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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my son shouldn't be denied food? :(

146 replies

LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 18:13

Background to this is that I used to have a pretty awful eating disorder. With very little help, especially professional help, I have overcome this in the most part. However I do still really struggle to eat around other people. I am getting better at this, about this time last year I just couldn't eat in company at all, I thought I would choke and the thought of it made me panic completely. Now I can as long as I feel safe to which is pretty much determined by the food being easy to eat and familiar and being around people who don't know about the eating disorder, or if they do, that they make it feel okay. I am trying to get over this, I don't enjoy not being able to eat socially with ease.

Second bit of background is that it is only my bestfriend (and a few 'virtual friends' I met on 'pro ana' sites) who know the full extent of the eating disorder and the crap stuff in my life that kind of went with it. The best friend has generally been pretty amazing and supportive and put up with me sometimes being a real moron due to the weird way my head works.

Last night we both went out with another friend to Cafe Rouge. Her husband very kindly baby sat for my two. I ate about 2/3s of a bowl of chips before they went cold anyway. Chips are safe for me to eat and it was fine. We also had 2 bottles of wine between the 3 of us, my best friend only had one glass as she was driving, so I did have quite a bit to drink and was drunk but not stupidly so. Had a lovely evening anyway. In the car going back to her house she was asking if I set out to get drunk having only eaten 'a few chips'. I had got a little more drunk than I intended, but I wasn't OTT I don't think!

I slept over at the bestfriend's house and today it was her DH's birthday. We were going to leave before his family arrived but he DH very kindly said he would like us to stay.

First issue with food was this morning when I asked if DS and DD could have some breakfast, and a big issue was made about it being normal to have breakfast and how I should and I just felt totally got at.

Then bestfriend's DH's family arrived and we all went to the beach, both of my children swam and got quite cold. On the way back I bought chocolate and drinks for my two and her two children, as well as 8 beers, and bread and dips as my contribution to the food (all in all costing about £15 and being a bit of a mission around 3 different badly-stocked shops!).

All the adults were eating first, I didn't feel at ease at all for no real reason, so I just had a few crisps. Then people had cake and although the children hadn't eaten DD had two slices of cake. I asked if DS (aged 9) could have something to eat and my friend just said that he could have some cake, but he didn't want it because it had cream on it which makes him ill. So she said "Well, he can eat with you when you get home". I was so pissed off that I left immediately. On the way out I told her that was really mean to not let him have anything to eat, and she said it wasn't mean, and that she has been trying to get me to eat normally for ages. That may be so, and I do feel guilty for leaving her DH's birthday in a minor strop, but it seems totally unfair that DS was denied any food. As soon as we got in the car he said he was hungry and I am at home feeding him now, feeling bad that I seemingly pissed off my best friend, but also pissed off that DS was punished for something that I did, and that I struggle with.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:
MonsterBookOfTysons · 15/08/2011 18:52

I certainly think your friend owes you an apology.
It is possible your eating habits have made her upset and stressed with worry about you, but it is not ok for her to take that out on dc.
It is like she has punished your ds for not wanting to eat cake. Strange thinking on her behalf.

diddl · 15/08/2011 18:52

So your children missed the food because they were swimming?

Why didn´t you ask for some to be left out?

MegBusset · 15/08/2011 18:54

Oh, well if they didn't offer the same food to your kids as their own then that IS rude, and I would be cross too!

cjbartlett · 15/08/2011 18:57
Sad it sounds like you still have loads of issues around food Your friend was perhaps haphazardly trying to help Most people would have thought nothing of getting a bread roll for their son but all your attitudes to food are heightened. Perhaps be aware of this next time so you can make sure you don't strop off , not being mean but if you think to yourself 'and breathe' it's ok etc etc Have you spoken to her since?
BabyDubsEverywhere · 15/08/2011 18:57

Blimey STEALTH much?

Last post makes it seem very unreasonable.....but i do think leaving over a bit of bread is OTT....why didnt you just make a sandwich, surely that is what most people would do?

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 19:05

Diddl, they were swimming ages before at the beach, this was back at her house.

I have ended up apologising to her for being unreasonable even though I don't think I was in wanting some food for DS when the others were eating, but I don't want to lose her :(

I do still have lots of issues around food that are not exactly an eating disorder in the way they used to be, but I am on edge about what is normal and what would be okay to do, which is kind of why I apologised, perhaps I could have just said something different but it was all getting a bit much :(

OP posts:
MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 15/08/2011 19:08

Maybe she was concerned that your DS refusing cake was a sign that he was picking up on your issues (not that he is!) and her concern was because of that?

My DCs wouldn't eat cake with cream on either, and we get odd looks and remarks because of it (because, you know, it's CAKE and therefore all children should like it Hmm) and we don't have any background food issues to muddy things further.

I think she was out of order, but I do think you over-reacted although quite understandably. I think you need to talk to her, if she's been supportive in the past then hopefully this is just a big misunderstanding. Please don't let this set you back.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 15/08/2011 19:10

My DS has issues around food, so I travel with a picnic, or a lunchbox with food he likes. That way he can experiment with food when we are out or with friends without us facing the pressure of an Aspie meltdown because he's a starving teenager.
If you know that there is going to be a problem, plan ahead.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 19:12

Thanks MrsDmitri. Yeah - DS ends up feeling sick if he eats anything with cream.

I think she was just pissed off with it all, but it is not like I am doing it to annoy her, and it was so unfair on DS.

OP posts:
ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 15/08/2011 19:13

Took one with us yesterday, didn't use it.
He's found out that he now likes prawn rice and calamari and he still hates mayonnaise and cucumber and rocket.
Doesn't trusting to luck increase your stress level?

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 19:17

DS doesn't have issues with food. It is only things with cream or lemons that make him feel unwell.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 15/08/2011 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strawbezza · 15/08/2011 19:22

Bit confused by the original story, but OP did someone ask why you were only having crisps? Did you answer that you were eating later? In which case your friend's remark was understandable, and she was right to be annoyed that you were asking for food for your DS.

Really can't think that your friend deliberately denied your DS any food.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 19:24

Yeah her DH's mum asked if I was on a diet but I just said that we went out last night for drinks and I was feeling a bit queasy so just having crisps.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 15/08/2011 19:26

Perhaps she just lost patience a little bit? It is very hard for the people who have to be around those with mh issues, sometimes. Obviously nowhere near as awful as for the person with the disorder, but still, it can be tough.

You still sound very obsessed about food and eating - unfortunately that is tiresome for those who have to witness it day in and day out. Much as she may love you and understand that you are struggling and would far rather not have these problems.

I think you possibly owe her an apology, rather than the other way round, sorry.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 19:27

Bibbitybobbityhat - you are quite right and I have apologised to her, although I am still a bit mad that DS was caught up in it all.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 15/08/2011 19:30

I don't get why some people on here think you need to apologise?! What she did to your son was MEAN and you should tell her that! And you paid for some of the food! Tell her she was mean.

ChristinedePizan · 15/08/2011 19:36

Presumably the cake was sandwiched with cream - couldn't you have cut that out?

I do sympathise but as someone who has grown up with a sister who struggles on and off with eating disorders since she was 14 (and we are now in our 40s) it does get bloody tiresome sometimes. I am very patient but she has most definitely passed her fucked up relationship with food onto her DC

squeakytoy · 15/08/2011 19:37

Have I got this right.. the kids were ALL having cake, and your son didnt want any. But the other kids were all having pastries afterwards.. so if you had waited instead of leaving immediately, would he have been offered a pastry?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2011 19:37

OP, could you not have broken off the bit with the cream on it and given the non-cream bit to your son?

I do feel for you but to me it sounds like you're waiting for your friend to stuff up her support of you. She wouldn't have not fed your son, you know this. You wouldn't have taken your DCs to an outing with a friend that would do this.

It sounds to me as if you're feeling 'weirded out' now because you know she's a good friend, you suspect you've overreacted, it was somebody's birthday and there's been a lot of unnecessary drama. You say that you didn't take up the non-eating issue with her because you 'don't want to lose her' but yet you don't do the normal thing that a mother would do of saying something like, "DS won't eat cake with cream on it, I'll give him a bit of bread and some dip and he'll be happy with that". That would have been the normal response.

I think you owe your friend a conversation, not necessarily an apology - or she you - but you need to tell her what was in your head that day. Perhaps for a while, where your DCs are concerned, you need to take their food with you so that you have control. I don't think the problems were about the cake but about the fact that you didn't have control of the food and the timetable.

I feel so very sad for you, OP; I have experience of what you've gone through and its a hard recovery, made harder by the fact that your illness made you so self-obsessed that it's hard going back to normal life where you focus on other people and what they're thinking/feeling sometimes.

Your friend sounds a gem, I'm sure she'll carry on supporting you and will listen to you if you tell her how you felt about the day, she can't know what it's like unless she's been there, so trust her and talk to her.

festi · 15/08/2011 19:37

did she know her dh had invited you to stay, maybe she thought you where over staying or something. In that her family where eating, you said you where eating later so she thought as it was her family meal time you should have perhaps left? I dont know, but seems a little confusing.

ChristinedePizan · 15/08/2011 19:46

Oh dear lord, the grammar in that post was shocking. Apologies

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 20:39

Squeaky - not a pastry - a pasty. And it was all weird and back to front anyway, I just wanted some food for him, it wasn't a case of eat something sweet so you will get something savoury!

Festi - She knew he had invited me.

Hairful - I think my behaviour can be weird and difficult, although I would still like an apology for DS, I am not going to push it, I have apologised and she said don't worry.

Christine & LyingWitch, thank you for your understanding.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 15/08/2011 20:45

I'm sorry i still dont understand the OP, and the responses are just even more confusing.
What is clear is that you STILL have food issues (and maybe do need some professional help), that you are oversensitve and overreact to food issues, and run the very real risk of passing these issues onto your children.
The other bits I dont get.

Original poster
LikeAndLove · 15/08/2011 21:01

MacDoodle - sorry, I'm probably a bit incoherent :-/
I do still have food issues and would like professional help, I have had counselling before but can't afford it now, and I am on prozac, but am supposed to be reducing my dose as part of a trial.

OP posts: