To feel a little bitter towards people who get everything handed to them on a plate?

[EternalPie]

My cousin is a great example. He got married at 18 and whilst most people would have to find a 1/2 bedroom flat too rent until they had built up savings - his mum decided to GIVE him her 3 bedroomed house and moved out into a flat.

My other cousin was the same, he got involved with someone, struggled slightly to pay the bills at first (like we all do) so his mum moved out of her 4 BEDROOMED HOUSE in one of the best areas of the city and rented it to him for £300 a month.

A bloke I'm seeing at the moment - Every car he's ever had has been bought for him by mother. Now he currently has a Rover and has been telling me for weeks that he's working extra hours and saving like mad to buy a Picanto - he then let it slip last night that actually his dad puts away so much money into a car fund for him every month so that this time next year, he'll be able to buy a brand new car.

I know you'll say there is much satisfaction in knowing that you've earnt everything yourself but I do feel rather bitter when people go on about how wel my cousins are doing to have their own houses at such a young age - well yeah it's easy when you get given the buggers!!

And when this bloke I'm seeing will come down going on about how great his new car is and how I should really think about upgrading - well its all well and good when your dad BUYS you a brand new car whenever you want one.

I'm probably been unreasonable and I do intend to earn all this stuff myself eventually. But I do feel bitter when I see other people just getting given all the stuff it will take me years to earn.

(also, AIBU to find this slightly offputting about the bloke I've been seeing? don't know why but I do)

This thread reminds me of a work colleague. She is young, single, no kids. Her parents paid for her to go to university, they still do her shopping for her, even though she is working and has a professional job. She let slip that her dad paid for the deposit on her house.
I was passing a comment about how my 3 dcs would struggle to go to university what with the increase in fees etc and she blatently said "Oh they can pay it back when they are working, I don't know why you are so concerned." Everyone else in the room was like, yeah seeing as though have never had to pay for YOUR education eh.
She has also said that in her opinion people like her should receive benefits. Perhaps when you are handed things on a plate you lose touch with reality.

Some parents are just luckey to be in a position to help their kids out..... my brothers ex wives parents still pay his which subscription ffs (he's still their honorary son ) Before that they paid their sky bill. They're also taking his dd to Florida and offered to take him too, some people are just like that. If they can afford it, I don't see the problem.

YANBU. I hate it when everybody else gets everything for free and you have to keep hearing about it. My nan used to introduce my sister as "the one at uni" (my parents paid for her to go and not me or my bro) and it was so annoying. nearly everyone I know has had help towards houses, cars and everything in between. I've worked my arse off in (depressing) factory jobs and paid for Everything I've ever had myself. I am bitter and twisted though so I'm probably not the best person to listen to..........

I used to feel like this, it particularly used to grate with the house deposit thing, we are pretty much the only ones who did it ourselves in our group of friends, everyone else got £25k cash handout from the bank of mum and dad . Also the childcare bit, seeing friends with babies go away for weekends wit their partners every few weeks whilst me and dh had to beg for a couple of hours really twisted the knife. And seeing student nurses I mentored as a senior nurse now being a grade above by being "acted up" into posts etc. ie through nepotism when clinically I know i'm way above them really used to hurt.

But you know what? I don't care anymore, I bought my first flat on a nurses salary all by myself. Every job I've got is because of how good I was at interview and my skills not because of who I'm in with or whether "my face fits".As for the childcare thing, we've had an honest conversation with our parents and now it's a lot better. And it's made me self-sufficient resilient and organised.

If grown up children have the mindset that it doesn't matter because their parents "help" them at every opportunity when will they ever learn essential life skills and how to manage independently? Even if you have the cash it's not healthy to go dishing it out to your adult children everytime they "need" it.

I've got savings accounts for dcs so we can pay for them through Uni (if they choose) and maybe a bit towards buying a house but after that they'll be pretty much on their own. Won't be buying either of them cars either. I don't think it's mean, the best way you can help your children is by creating them as independent resourceful beings.

I have a friend who's never wanted for anything her parents bail her out each and every time and she's royally screwed up because of it, and actually has shockingly low self-esteem.

im just glad when i pop off my kids will have plenty to see them quite well off

I get where you are coming from. My sil is like this. Her dad just gave her 40 grand. I am jealous, my dad died in debt and my mum will be the same. I don't think it would be so hard if she wasn't so smug about it and she looks down on me which is also hard. We have kids the same age and I struggle with not being able to give my dc as much as she can.

EternalPie Don't let bitterness get a hold on you . If the people you envy lost everything tomorrow it wouldn't make your financial position any better. Why waste so much energy resenting that other's have good fortune? It's pointless and not a very pleasant way to live. Life can be very unfair but I've never wasted time on jealousy and envy, life's too short!

I haven't had any financial help from my family at all. I even paid for my own Uni through having good grades (which in Spain mean you get free credits the following year). I emigrated to the Uk without any financial help from family. I then emigrated to New Zealand, again paying for it on my own. I have a house and car which I paid entirely on my own (well, the house together with my DP).

And the best of all is, my family would have been happy to help had I wanted them to. I have actually a huge pride in NOT requiring financial help. I would never have a DP who relied in his family for handouts. The result of being independent is that you learn to appreciate the value of your own stuff. One of my cousins is not over 30 and has never worked or moved a finger in his life, as my auntie paid him for everything. As a result, now he is completely dependent on her and on his girlfriends. He is a man-child, with no job history whatsoever, and who will struggle all his life, especially when my auntie is gone. He does not deserve jealousy, but pity.

So when I hear someone talking about their house or car that his/her parents paid for, I only feel a bit of pity, and I can't help but being happy I am not them. They seem immature to me, like adults who haven't learn how to be truly independent. The happiness they may feel by owning a new car is nothing compared to my pride in REALLY owning my second-hand one.

The best part? You owe nothing to anyone. No one can tell me that what I have is "thanks to them". People who are dependent on others will hear this all their lives.

"is not over 30" should have read "is already over 30"...

This is why this country is like it is atm .Huge sense of entitlement and envy. If you want all those things so badly you will have to win the lottery or work your butt off and stop being resentful

So what if they are helped by their parents, I wish my parents were in better financial position to help us, but they are not, and I am not going to go around resenting people, more fortunate then myself.
Advice, jealousy is a very counterproductive emotion, don't let it consume you.
Seriously, it will make you ill, give you stomach ulcers, thin you hair etc.
I am sure you have lot going for you, as it is, and perfectly capable to achieve all of those things by yourself.

I don't think it follows that to be irked by people like this = bitter jealousy, or sense of entitlement.

IME, it's the people who have had everything given to them who tend to have a sense of entitlement, combined with a limited understanding of how fortunate they are; and that can make them difficult to deal with.

A relative of DP's is like this, always had far more help (financial and practical) from her folks than her two siblings, mainly because she demanded it and her siblings did not. So her parents got into the habit of thinking she needed them more and they always jumped to help. We do not see her any more but AFAIK it never made her happy; the more they did for her, the more she seemed to complain and feel hard done by, somehow, it was really odd.

I wasn't jealous or bitter, nor was DP. But I did used to find it maddening how she pressured her family to run rings around her and forfeit their own needs in favour of her, despite the fact she treated them quite badly.

I have a friend who is supported solely by her parents. She is in her 40's. I don't feel envious at all.
She has no respect for her parents, rather she dislikes them intensely.
She lives hand to mouth, waiting for the next handout.
She is also terrified of what will happen when her parents, who are not very well at all, are not around anymore. She has no contingency plans as to how to support herself should her parents pass away.
Her parents don't have much money, but they can't see her starve.

In my friend's case, I just think it is a terrible situation for all involved, my friend because she has the constant fear that her parents will outlive her, and her parents for having such a huge burden.

I think everyone feels this way. People hate working hard to see others get things handed to them. It's a very common feeling, that's why people look down on food stamp participants. Same concept. Yes, life is unfair but it doesn't make it right. Unfortunately you can't do anything about it so keep working on you. The world will be a different place is everyone had the same opportunities.

You are not horrid at all because i dont think myself as horrid either!
In see exactly where this post is coming from, someone has just had a baby with my other halfs family (despite her literarily going with him for a year behind his gfs and they had children together). This girl i dont like for them obvious reasons but she is the same, now she's had a baby her mother has given her a house, her daddy bought her a new car and she looks down on the family like you wouldn't believe. She even has the cheek to stop her kid from seeing thier half sisters her words are they are 'common" and she wants better for her precious kid.

I wish she would get brought down a peg or two.... I would love nothing more than to see her go through what other people have to to have a house and car and everything Else she gets on a plate. I am slightly bitter although i do have my own place and by anyone's standards its nice, i dont have the latest car but its still a good car for someone my age (rent my home and the brought the car myself). YANBU

Also.... If im being honest it would put me off the guy, for the obvious reason but also because he lied..... hate lies, no matter how big or small

I don't think I could date someone who had always had their cars bought by their parents.

Or I could date them, but I am not sure I would do well moving past the dating stage.

I wouldn't be able to trust that they'd behave sensibly with money, and that's a big requirement for me.

If it turned out that they had lied to me about saving money when in fact they were being given money, they'd be dumped.

It might be considered a bit woo on here, OP but I'd suggest you read up on the Laws of Attraction. Your jealousy and negative attitude is likely to keep you struggling, whereas a more gracious and grateful attitude will reap rewards.

Haha

I shall rephrase as "I agree with myself in the past".

Always nice to find out that you're consistent :o

I agree. I'm a bit bitter too - I've had to scrimp and save to get everything I want. Nothing has been easy for me. And I see others in my friend and family circles get everything handed to them. But I view it as an achievement. What I have means 100 x more than someone who gets shit handed to them.

You're jealous, you resent them for it and you resent you have to work for it. Honestly that's no way to live, because the only person it damages is you. The only person it makes unhappy is you.

As s previous poster said, there will always be those better off than you. And those with less.

However on saying that I am not sure I'd be keen on a 37 year old man who is reliant on hand outs from his dad. I'd think he was a bit of a loser. Personally I prefer a man with enough self respect to pay his own way and not sponge off his parents...hinting he wants a holiday to get him to pay? A new car when he fancies it? That's not helping out your offspring in need, that's just a grabby taker.

What Trills said. I remember back when I was married to my ex. A hiking partner and I were talking. She was in her mid-30s, a bit older than I was, she was talking about this guy she was dating and how she'd ditched him - we all knew him and he was a bit of a clown. 'He's in his 40s and still taking money from his parents, what a loser!' She had the measure of him.

Zombie Thread. I wonder if the OP stayed with that bloke and now also gets a new car every year

I'd not want to date an adult that relied on others, be it parent or the state, to provide for them.

Parents helping children get on the property ladder has always been common, whether they do it whilst alive or through inheritance.

I "get" this.

I know a man who's parents paid 33% of his house and so did his brother. First child was on the way, parents gifted them the 33% of their house that they owned, plus bought them an £80,000 car. Second child on its way, the parents bought the 33% of the house that brother owned, then gave it to them. Wife got a 4X4.

I thought it was absolutely lovely for them, until he walked into my rented property and said, well I don't suppose you'll ever get on the property ladder.

This is the same wanker who has been handed every single luxury he has right from his parents. At the age of 33 he has been given everything, houses, cars, a job he wouldn't have any other way.

That's one instance that I am somewhat jealous and begrudging, because he uses the help he has been given to beat those who haven't had the same opportunity.

I bought everything myself. Cars, travel, university tuition, postgrad study, house (jointly with husband) etc.
After growing up with very little (free school meals, all clothes second hand) I'm now comfortable, and I'm so glad I did it all myself.
I have the pride of having worked hard, plus I know how to support myself, I don't have to rely on anyone. I'd take that anyday over being given everything. But good luck to people who do have that. I'd just worry it doesn't give them the drive to get things for themselves.