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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little bitter towards people who get everything handed to them on a plate?

109 replies

EternalPie · 15/08/2011 09:30

My cousin is a great example. He got married at 18 and whilst most people would have to find a 1/2 bedroom flat too rent until they had built up savings - his mum decided to GIVE him her 3 bedroomed house and moved out into a flat.

My other cousin was the same, he got involved with someone, struggled slightly to pay the bills at first (like we all do) so his mum moved out of her 4 BEDROOMED HOUSE in one of the best areas of the city and rented it to him for £300 a month.

A bloke I'm seeing at the moment - Every car he's ever had has been bought for him by mother. Now he currently has a Rover and has been telling me for weeks that he's working extra hours and saving like mad to buy a Picanto - he then let it slip last night that actually his dad puts away so much money into a car fund for him every month so that this time next year, he'll be able to buy a brand new car.

I know you'll say there is much satisfaction in knowing that you've earnt everything yourself but I do feel rather bitter when people go on about how wel my cousins are doing to have their own houses at such a young age - well yeah it's easy when you get given the buggers!!

And when this bloke I'm seeing will come down going on about how great his new car is and how I should really think about upgrading - well its all well and good when your dad BUYS you a brand new car whenever you want one.

I'm probably been unreasonable and I do intend to earn all this stuff myself eventually. But I do feel bitter when I see other people just getting given all the stuff it will take me years to earn.

(also, AIBU to find this slightly offputting about the bloke I've been seeing? don't know why but I do)

OP posts:
raspberryroop · 15/08/2011 09:34

Honestly - you sound horrid

AuntieMonica · 15/08/2011 09:37

if these people aren't taking things away from you, honestly, why does it matter?

people are free to use their cash wherever they like, if it's to help their offspring, bloody good for them i say!

it can be frustrating to work hard for things only to see others having them given without much effort, but to let it get to this?

tbh, you sound bitter and jealous. neither are very endearing qualities IMO.

prettyfly1 · 15/08/2011 09:37

Hiya

I dont think you sound horrid - I have to work for everything I have too and its very hard indeed and yes, when people tell me they have been given things I would love to own but cannot I do feel very envious. But that is what it is - envy. You dont have that so its pointless comparing really. They are lucky, you arent. End of story.

BeStillMyBeatingFart · 15/08/2011 09:38

My parents help me out still.

Little things like school uniform, curtains and the odd meal out with them they'll pay. They also bought me a new washing machine when mine died and I really couldn't afford a new one.

My dad also helps with most of my DIY stuff and is always on the phone with advice.

Is what parents do.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2011 09:39

YABU... Why is it so hard to look at someone else's good fortune or generous relatives and think 'good for them'? Bragging isn't a good trait, so if they're bragging about their new car or whatever you can nip that in the bud. But try not to be bitter because it'll only spoil your day, not theirs.

AbsDuCroissant · 15/08/2011 09:40

Yes, YABU. You don't know everything that's going on - it could be that they feel beholden to their parents, and they never feel the satisfaction of doing something for themselves. There might be all sorts of conditions attached.

To make yourself bitter over something you have no control over is a bit daft, TBH

Original poster
EternalPie · 15/08/2011 09:41

It is bitter and jealousy, I recognise that! Grin

I just find it so frustrating, like with the car thing we were both talking about how long it will take us to save for a new car and all along he knew full well that he wouldn't have to save a penny as his dad was doing it for him, so why lie?

And it kind of gets to me when people come down saying "oh so and so is 5 years younger than you are and look at his lovely house" Hmm

OP posts:
Ormirian · 15/08/2011 09:42

Re the married 18yr old moving into his mum's house - I'd do that in her place if I was able to (assuming I was living alone).

Apart from that I think you need to find some more friends and relations! Grin Honestly they are not in the majority. Most people I know have had to work for what they have.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 15/08/2011 09:42

You cannot go through life like this.

There will always be people who have more than you. Who are given stuff. You cannot let yourself get eaten up with jealousy about it. It will just turn you into a horrible person.

And you should never want to take away from what other people have. There is nothing wrong with using what other people have to motivate you to work hard in your own life to try to get what you want. But don't hate other people just because they are more fortunate than you. It will just turn you into a bitter person who nobody wants to be around.

Let it go. Other people have more than you. Other people have less than you. Some earn it, some don't.

You cannot split people into those who you feel deserve to have what they've got and those who don't.

It won't improve your life one little bit.

TheRealTillyMinto · 15/08/2011 09:42

i dont think you sound horrid. i would not like a relationship with a 'grown up' who gets things from their mum. he should be looking after her - he is not a child anymore. you sound sensible to me.

i think you should remind yourself that they are just getting a shortcut but once they get used to having these things, they wont appreciate them & mummy wont have anything left to give them.

the skill you use to get things will stay with you and grow.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 15/08/2011 09:43

x-post.

Honestly, I can't say it enough. Bitterness and jealousy are two things that you CANNOT allow yourself to succumb to.

Just let it go.

Be happy for them.

littlemisssarcastic · 15/08/2011 09:44

EternalPie How old is this man you are seeing?

I think I would definitely be put off dating a man who relied on his parents, year in, year out, to provide him with transport, a roof over his head etc.

I would have no issue with anyone who needed a helping hand every now and then, most people do, but to depend on your parents and to watch your parents downsize to give you what they themselves have probably worked all their lives for, well I wouldn't want to get seriously involved with anyone who did that.

Sounds like this man you're seeing may know deep down that it's not on because he lied about it.

Morloth · 15/08/2011 09:44

Life isn't fair.

Being bitter is pointless.

But going out with some tosser who goes on about cars that his parents are have bought and are buying him, is something you can change...

ChaosTrulyReigns · 15/08/2011 09:44

I think continuing with this line of thinking is fruitless, benegicial to no-one especially not yourself.

Don't let dwelling on the inequalities in life demoralise you, otherwise you may start to become bitter and twisted.

LithaR · 15/08/2011 09:45

If i had the money I'd buy my son a car every year too.

And give him a house :Pney I'd buy my son a car every year too.

And give him a house :P

drcrab · 15/08/2011 09:45

it doesn't sound fair does it? but then again, life isn't fair. I dont' think you are being very reasonable...but I can see where you're coming from. we don't get handouts from my ILs either because they think that we're the most well-off of all the offspring (steps and biologicals)...it doesn't help that we live down south, and everyone is up north, within 5 min walking distance of each others' houses.

I don't think we are well-off at all; we just seem to spend the money on things like music class, swim classes and gym class - all for the kids. Their offspring down. So perhaps they think we are being PFB (and PSB)... ?

Their son (my DH) has just been made redundant...and there has been no offer of any financial help or anything. the stepson (SMIL's son) on the other hand, when he thought of buying a house 2 doors away from them, got given the deposit, and was bought a flat-screen tv as a housewarming (when it was first trendy to have a flat-screen). Our flat-screen arrived last christmas (about 5 years 'late'), and only because they came over to visit for a day, and FIL wondered how we could watch tv from that tiny tv that we had. we didn't get a house-warming present when we bought our house 8 years ago.

Hopefully, your cousins and new boyfriend will 'pay back' when their parents are older and need help (whatever that may be).

ninedragons · 15/08/2011 09:45

Jealousy is very corrosive.

You need to get over it or it will really damage your life. Seriously.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2011 09:45

The response to 'look at his lovely house' is... 'he's very lucky'. And then you have to look at what you have and what you can do e.g. save up for a new car, look at people with far less than you and think 'I am very lucky'. It's all relative.

ThePosieParker · 15/08/2011 09:46

I completely understand how you feel but it serves little purpose and can only make you angry/sad.

The thing to do is to volunteer or get yourself happy, I've never met a very happy and jealous person. Smile

blackeyedsusan · 15/08/2011 09:46

it is hard to see other people getting things handed to them on a plate, especially when you then have to put up with hearing about how well they are doing, implying you are not. I would have a niggle about the bloke who gets his cars bought, it depends on his attitude to this though. if he is grateful and thinks he is a lucky so and so or does he feel entitled?

seasidesister · 15/08/2011 09:46

Compare down NOT up. Look at all the things you have, its the way to happiness.

ninjasquirrel · 15/08/2011 09:47

Well I think YANBU to be a bit jealous of people in this situation (but should probably try not to think about it too much, definitely not good for you to dwell on this sort of thing). I also think I would find it offputting about someone if they take it for granted that their parents give them luxuries like free cars and don't understand that it isn't like that for everyone. Definitely offputting if he were to come down and criticise your car as not being as good as his.

Original poster
EternalPie · 15/08/2011 09:47

He's 37.

I know I should just get on with it and be happy for people and to be fair, my cousin is now on the brink of divorce and the major concern for his wife is not the loss of their marriage - but who gets to keep the house so I know this material stuff does not bring happiness. (I'm not saying I'm happy about this before anyone lynches me btw!)

I suppose my major gripe is with the car and I think most of that is because he lied to me and made out that it would be difficult and a challenge for both of us when in reality, it won't cost him a penny.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 15/08/2011 09:47

If the man you've been seeing has never saved up for anything himself and has never had to manage his own money then I can see how you might be wary about getting into a proper relationship.

Other people being given houses. Life's not fair, it doesn't affect you.

ninjasquirrel · 15/08/2011 09:47

What I think I'm trying to say is it's not about being lucky but about the attitude that comes with it.

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