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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little bitter towards people who get everything handed to them on a plate?

109 replies

EternalPie · 15/08/2011 09:30

My cousin is a great example. He got married at 18 and whilst most people would have to find a 1/2 bedroom flat too rent until they had built up savings - his mum decided to GIVE him her 3 bedroomed house and moved out into a flat.

My other cousin was the same, he got involved with someone, struggled slightly to pay the bills at first (like we all do) so his mum moved out of her 4 BEDROOMED HOUSE in one of the best areas of the city and rented it to him for £300 a month.

A bloke I'm seeing at the moment - Every car he's ever had has been bought for him by mother. Now he currently has a Rover and has been telling me for weeks that he's working extra hours and saving like mad to buy a Picanto - he then let it slip last night that actually his dad puts away so much money into a car fund for him every month so that this time next year, he'll be able to buy a brand new car.

I know you'll say there is much satisfaction in knowing that you've earnt everything yourself but I do feel rather bitter when people go on about how wel my cousins are doing to have their own houses at such a young age - well yeah it's easy when you get given the buggers!!

And when this bloke I'm seeing will come down going on about how great his new car is and how I should really think about upgrading - well its all well and good when your dad BUYS you a brand new car whenever you want one.

I'm probably been unreasonable and I do intend to earn all this stuff myself eventually. But I do feel bitter when I see other people just getting given all the stuff it will take me years to earn.

(also, AIBU to find this slightly offputting about the bloke I've been seeing? don't know why but I do)

OP posts:
cory · 15/08/2011 09:47

You never know what other people's lives are like: chances are enough rain will fall into every life at one stage or another. Some people get things bought for them, others get emotional support or good parenting, others again get good genes. Have never seen such a thing as a charmed life.

But would give immature men a wide berth.

pointydog · 15/08/2011 09:48

You need to lose the jealousy. Makes life so much happier, really.

seasidesister · 15/08/2011 09:48

Actually, scratch my last post. DONT compare. Thats the way to happiness.

TrillianAstra · 15/08/2011 09:49

x-post

Forget the cousin, not important and nothing you can do.

A man lying to you about money? Not a good sign.

ChristinedePizan · 15/08/2011 09:51

There are always going to be people in life who have more material wealth than you. It's a silly thing to feel bitter and jealous about.

I would however be very concerned about an able bodied man who was nearly 40 accepting handouts from his dad unless he had either a) gone through a very difficult period in his younger life for which he was still paying or b) had some kind of SN.

I'd be particularly wary of someone who lies to you about saving up money when he isn't.

Original poster
EternalPie · 15/08/2011 09:51

See another thing about this man was we were discussing holidays and I was trying to work out if it was finantially doable for me to take the kids to Greece for a week next year. This man then said "I don't think I'll be able to afford a holiday next year, but to be honest I'm considering dropping hints to my dad and then he'll probably pay for it he he" Hmm

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 15/08/2011 09:52

It could be the fathers way of moving money about to resolve inheritance tax issues.

It is quite legal to give your child £5K per annum tax free - and both parents can do that thus avoiding gift tax.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/Taxes/BeginnersGuideToTax/InheritanceTaxEstatesAndTrusts/InheritanceTaxwhenpassingonmoneyorproperty/DG_179336

ChristinedePizan · 15/08/2011 09:52

ETA: and the fact that his dad is putting cash away for him suggests that it is not easy financially for his dad to pay for the car, he is having to save on his son's behalf.

Bandwithering · 15/08/2011 09:52

Rightly or wrongly I believe that when I finally get a place (as in own one) I will appreciate it more, value more than just its worth, get more satisfaction out of it.

Luckily though I only really care about what I have. I don't obsessively dwell on what other people have because it actually makes no difference. I still want the same things and that goal is still the same distance away.

littlemisssarcastic · 15/08/2011 09:53

So your b/f is 37 and he has never sorted himself out with a car??
He has let his parents buy him every car he has ever had, and they still have a 'savings account' that they put money into for him, so he can have a new car???
Every year???

Am I right to say that b/f was quite happy for you to believe he was scrimping and saving to buy a new car, when in actual fact, all the hard work of saving is being done by his parents??

How long have you been seeing this man?

troisgarcons · 15/08/2011 09:55

Curious, is he an only child?

drcrab · 15/08/2011 09:55

I would have an issue with the boyfriend who's 37 and gets bought a car. Especially if you intend for this to be a long term relationship... ! if his family going to constantly help him out (in which case perhaps they'll pay for a £20,000 wedding?!?!) then I guess you'll need to see if you can accept that or not.

I think it might depend on the culture/background they come from - by that I mean what sort of family values they have. I have Italian friends who live in the UK. They've just had a 2nd baby. Her parents (both in their 70s) arrived 2 weeks before, started cooking up a storm and helping out with childcare, food, household stuff... essentially came over to help. His mother (American) flew over a week before baby was born, was essentially around because she was an OB/GYN and so could possibly help with the birth etc if things went tits up. She's now gone back to the US (she was here for 2 weeks and was definitely not of the cook/clean brigade).

My parents flew in for 3 weeks when I had baby 2. They were part of the cook/clean brigade... and whenever we go visit, they'll pay for meals (they are in their 70s too - so no income), buy cereals, do the shopping... everything. My ILs wouldn't do the same by any measurement.

Tanif · 15/08/2011 09:55

YABU to be seeing a man who considers a Picanto to be an upgrade from a Rover.

I HATE seeing men in little, girly cars, makes me feel unsettled, like I just caught a flash of their girlfriend's thong above the waistband of their trousers.

BertieBotts · 15/08/2011 09:56

I think if it really bothers you about your new bloke, it's probably best if you stop seeing him.

I do sort of know what you mean. I think it's because there isn't a lot of money in my family, and the ones who do have money don't seem to want to share it - which is fine, it's their money after all! And I never understood why people would start businesses and get rich and then keep on pushing and pushing profits once they were already comfortable. But DP's family is really different, I spoke to him once about not understanding the keeping making money thing and he looked at me like I was strange and said "But then you'd want to make money to support all your family, and their families, and their families, and it's true that that's how it works for them - they all help each other out and support each other and his sister keeps hinting that she wants to buy us a house, and I feel quite uncomfortable about it, because I'd rather we earned and saved to buy our own, and I felt it would take all the excitement out of going to look around and choosing our first house and all those things. But then I thought about it and I thought FFS, I should stop being so ungrateful. If someone wants to buy us a house, we can't really say no. And it might not even happen anyway and then we'd get to do the whole looking and choosing thing for ourselves.

I think it's okay if people don't take it for granted. If they just expect it then I would probably think they are a bit spoiled.

FreudianSlipper · 15/08/2011 09:58

i wish helping out was what parents do, either of mine have at all

but i will, i have learnt from their selfishness that i will not be the same and if i could buy ds a house at 20 i would happily do so

only time i find it annoying is when it is not appreciated,my friend loves to bash those who have got in debt or having problems paying their bills but she was still living at home at 28, always had a home to return to and her parents gave her £150k for her house and jsut paid for a new kitchen all i think is great jsut her attitude towards others stinks at times

PinotsKittens · 15/08/2011 09:59

I don't think you sound horrid at all and hope you're not hurt by the comment.

I think it is unfair that some people struggle & others seem to float. Life is unfair - but that doesn't mean you're a nasty person for having noticed the inequality.

Like others have said, let it go as best you can and find positivity in your life to focus on.

littlemisssarcastic · 15/08/2011 09:59

Does your b/f have a low paid job or is he unemployed?

Does he live with his parents?

If he has a reasonably paid job, I'm wondering what he does spend his money on?

FreudianSlipper · 15/08/2011 09:59

i meant neither have mine at all

Tanith · 15/08/2011 10:01

I don't like at all what you say about your bf - and I think you're uneasy about him, too.

Others being given stuff wouldn't worry me, but being told to aspire to them would definitely irritate!

So, on the whole, I think YANBU.

DandyGilver · 15/08/2011 10:02

It only does my head in when these sorts of people are in government/positions of power and see fit to lecture the normal population who have to work for everything they have on austerity etc.

My friend's sister married very well. Their house was given to them by the in laws. School fees paid also. She was quite happy to tell me that if we stopped going on foreign holidays we could have a bigger house /send DH to private school. If people who have move money than sense could just keep quiet it would all be fine.

Having said that, I aspire to having more money than sense.

Dozer · 15/08/2011 10:02

The bloke sounds like a loser.

Andrewofgg · 15/08/2011 10:10

Pure envy.

Gincognito · 15/08/2011 10:21

Hmm, we have received help from dh's parents, including a very generous gift towards buying a house. They are from a culture which expects to do such things. Gifts for weddings, birthdays etc are always cash in (special, very pretty!) envelopes.

You know what though, we are expected to (and will) do the same for our children when they are older. Their parents did it for them too, of course. It's just a different way of doing things. Is that wrong?

lachesis · 15/08/2011 10:26

Do you really want to go out with an adult who lives off his mother? LOSER.

kickingking · 15/08/2011 10:31

I don't think you sound horrid either.

This kind of thing frustrates me as well - I currently work with a few people (younger than me) whose parents bought their cars, gave them a huge deposit for their houses, etc. and now they have loads of money left to spend on their hair and clothes. At their age I had no finanical help from anyone, and was actually supporting my partner through his degree. It winds me up when I think about it Blush

However, life isn't fair. And there are more unjust things than this around. Why do some people get pregnant easily and some people don't? Why do some people enjoy perfect health and others don't?

This man you're seeing omitting details about his finances - I think he's embarrassed that his dad is giving him money at his age. As well he should be.