To feel a little bitter towards people who get everything handed to them on a plate?

[EternalPie]

My cousin is a great example. He got married at 18 and whilst most people would have to find a 1/2 bedroom flat too rent until they had built up savings - his mum decided to GIVE him her 3 bedroomed house and moved out into a flat.

My other cousin was the same, he got involved with someone, struggled slightly to pay the bills at first (like we all do) so his mum moved out of her 4 BEDROOMED HOUSE in one of the best areas of the city and rented it to him for £300 a month.

A bloke I'm seeing at the moment - Every car he's ever had has been bought for him by mother. Now he currently has a Rover and has been telling me for weeks that he's working extra hours and saving like mad to buy a Picanto - he then let it slip last night that actually his dad puts away so much money into a car fund for him every month so that this time next year, he'll be able to buy a brand new car.

I know you'll say there is much satisfaction in knowing that you've earnt everything yourself but I do feel rather bitter when people go on about how wel my cousins are doing to have their own houses at such a young age - well yeah it's easy when you get given the buggers!!

And when this bloke I'm seeing will come down going on about how great his new car is and how I should really think about upgrading - well its all well and good when your dad BUYS you a brand new car whenever you want one.

I'm probably been unreasonable and I do intend to earn all this stuff myself eventually. But I do feel bitter when I see other people just getting given all the stuff it will take me years to earn.

(also, AIBU to find this slightly offputting about the bloke I've been seeing? don't know why but I do)

And on the whole, it doesn't bother me, that others get everything handed to them on a plate. Only when they get themselves into positions where they dictate to everyone else how to live their lives when they don't have a clue since they've never had to work for anything in their lives (DC, Clegg, Osborne).

I don't think you sound horrid.

It's not good to dwell on others having more than you but I think it's ok occasionally to wonder why you have to work so damned hard when others just have it fall in their lap - it does seem unjust sometimes. Just don't let it become the focal point in your life.

Remember, there's a whole lot more pride to be had in receiving something you slogged your guts out for than something just shoved your way.

Bathykolpian - your post of Mon 15-Aug-11 09:42:30 was truly magnificent.

OP- please take note.

I don't think YABU.

Both my partner and I come from poor backgrounds, but have went to university and mix with lots of people from a more middle class background. It amazes me how many people get financial help. I don't know anyone who has been given a house in the way you describe, but I do know lots of people who are given financial help or inherit money.

I think it is natural to be envious. Of course being given money makes your life easier.

My partner is being made redundant and my job is very insecure. I know my parents would happily buy us groceries for example, but the reality if we both lose our jobs is that things will be very very tough financially.

Its hard when facing tough times to see people going on holiday or making improvements to their house with the aid of money from family. Both myself and my partner have always worked hard, while friends who get money from family have chosen to go part time or take lower paid less stressful jobs as they are backed up by money from family.

But other posters are right in thinking that you need to try and forget this. Most people don't come from well off families and many many people struggle financially day to day. Try and be proud of what you have achieved.

I personally would not want to shag a man who was still so reliant on his dad at 37. It is so not a sexy look :o

YANBU, OP. I wish I could be given everything I needed and wanted.
Sadly not everyone can.

You're not beingt horrid. I get big jealousy pangs and my dad and DHs parents have helped us out on occasion - we got loads of old furniture from DHs parents when we moved in together for eg, without which we'd've been sleeping and eating on the floor!

You have to let it go if it will eat you up, and possibly avoid people in their 30s who are still behaving like this

Why do people find it so weird to assist your children financially? Thats quite normal in some cultures within our society. Asians, and the entire extended family collectively ensure young people starting out in life are set up in business (if they so desire). It's normal to ensure your offspring are best placed and provided for. Thats what we are programmed to do to ensure our genetic code is passed on.

I can see setting your kids up. But this guy is almost 40.

You do need to let it go for your own sake - envy is corrosive, I agree with what most other people on the thread have said on that.

But, I do think it's fair enough for you to find your current boyfriend's attitude unattractive. I've worked for what I have and yes I DO take some pride in that. I don't think that it's wrong to help out your kids and look forward to helping out mine. But, at 37, I think I'd be a bit disappointed in my DD if I saw her, working, solvent and grown up, dropping hints for me to pay for a holiday for her just because she didn't fancy saving and cutting her cloth herself.

You hit it on the head when you say that what disappoints you and makes you is his attitude - he lied to you, presumably because it made him look just a little less spoilt and entitled! I'm not that surprised that a man approaching forty whose daddy still keeps a 'car fund' for him thinks that this is the way to get results in life - bat your eyes and tell a few wee porkies.

Nothing wrong with family HELPING each other out, but being given new cars when you're a working, solvent 37 year old? No, that's infantilising and spoiling. Entitled attitudes are often called to task on this forum - and that's where some of them come from! I'd find it hard to respect this guy.

troisgarcons - yes, assisting fine - I'd have no issue with e.g. this guy's dad bankrolling a new business. That might be a very sensible option and as you say, investment in the family which is great. But new cars? Holidays? No, that just seems a great way to not teach your child the value of hard work and the value of money itself!

I think what would hack me off is not the things that the people have but the negative comparisons with myself, working for it all. My brother works really long hours and has just moved to a better house. Fair enough, he's earned it. But to have it constantly rubbed in how fab these people are because of what they have when you know they were just given it is difficult.

troisgarcons - Lots of families don't have spare cash to help each other out. As I said my parents would happily buy me groceries if I was struggling or help with an electric bill. And my parents help out my brother and his family in this way.

But lots and lots of people have very little money and don't have money to help each other out in larger financial ways.

Part of the reason that you earn your way is so you can provide for your family (in whatever way and to whatever age you wish). That is what the parents are doing in this case - just because it's a generation older doesn't make it essentially different. The outcomes of parenting vary hugely irrespective of resources, and lazy tossers can be found from all sorts of backgrounds.

If you are not happy with an individual's attitude to life, then don't share your life with them.

But for your own happiness, look to the person; not how well or otherwise their parents have worked and accumulated (or not) material resources and chosen how to distribute them.

i understand how you feel, eternalpie.

i have family members(ils) who get given tens of thousands of pounds to help with their deposits/decorating.

i do feel a bit jealous, not much but a little bit, as it will take us ages to save up. dh is especially jealous as he has no family in the financial position to help him. we will get there eventually but it does grate when you see people getting handed over on a silver platter.

i can't be bitter though as we will do what we can to help our children onto the propery ladder etc.

I think you have a very good point op.

I don't think you are horrid, nobody has ever given us anything either (bitter, jealous emoticon!!!!!)
My dh even challenged his mother when she stayed with sil for a week, cooking and cleaning for her when she had dn. Did she do the same for us, er no.
As to your boyfriend I don't think he has the right to tell you to upgrade your car, when he only has what he has due to other people.

Another here that does not think you sound horrid, at all. It's very human to be envious, especially if you're expected to doff your cap to these 'successful' people.

I've never had anything handed to me either and am very unlikely to in the future, and it IS hard to wait and wait for things because you're saving so hard, while others sail on by getting what you want/need before you and without having had to make any sacrifices.

My dilemma is what to do with my own children (if/when I hopefully have them). Part of me would love to give them what I never had and support them through the big expensive things (university, buying a house etc). But my worry is that they will turn into these 37-year old manchildren and won't learn the true value of money/hard work.

If parents want to help out their children then thats their business. Sometimes though they can do more harm than good. My dad has 2 other brothers in the family business. My siblings and I as and one set of cousins, as teenagers and through uni all had to work in the summer etc. We were paid a wage same as everyone else. The 3rd set of cousins were handed everything. Guess who are the most successful now and the most grounded. Now my parents did help us out with buying first house, but we will always appreciate that. That is different than just being handed things. Likewise dh and I are always mindful of this for our dc in the future. We have 2 rental properties that we couldnt get rented for a while. We could have sold up but we struggled through as we intend to hold onto them for the dc when they're older. I think most parents if they could try to help out

get over it

some are rich, some are poor/ c'est la vie

I thought that this post was going to be about people getting benefit for doing naff all so it makes a change to read about people who are actually getting gifts of earnt money.
People can do what they want with their own money cant they? If they want to donate to help their families its up to them.
You sound rather jealous IMO.

I had nothing when I was growing up as my parents were hardworking but poor. I worked hard to get a good education and decent job and will happily help out my children when they're older.
There have always been poor people and rich people - its the luck of the draw unfortunately. Be grateful that you live in a country where you get free healthcare and free education - millions dont - to those people we seem extremely rich.

Meh.

OP, I think your feelings are quite natural. We are somewhere in the middle, we have had some money from parents (not a whole house!) and would like to help our kids in the future if we can.

However - "I don't think I'll be able to afford a holiday next year, but to be honest I'm considering dropping hints to my dad and then he'll probably pay for it he he". That's just awful. No way would I ever do that (not that mine or DH's parents are loaded, as his dad must be) and there's no way I'd do that for my kids when they're 37, however much money we had. That's dependency gone mad.

Life is inherently unfair - your genes, your parents, your opportunities, your general good fortune or lack of it - all beyond our control.

Something we can influence is how happy we are in our lives - if it makes you feel unhappy to dwell on your cousins' good fortune then actively try no to.

Hmmm... I think it's the 'look how well x is doing' comments that would annoy me the most. Followed by your boyfriend's glib assumption that you should 'upgrade' your car etc.

It is annoying when you're being patronised by people who haven't worked for what they've got.

You've already said you know it's not nice to be envious etc so I won't dwell on that bit!

Enjoy what you have.

And feel happy that other people have what they have.

I always look at people who have less than I have to draw a comparision.