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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:
Kayano · 12/08/2011 22:11

If he was my BIL he would be told to f off. I think I would actually laugh in his face. But I'm northern and admittedly 'rough' lol

I am shocked at all this. My DH is hard as nails but not where his brother is concerned for some reason but I know if I told him I wasn't happy he would sort it.

BIL dared sit in the front seat of my car without me offering once... I usually do offer but I hadn't had the chance to. It pissed me right off. Told DH of my displeasure that night... Has never happened again.

Your DH is the one who needs to grow a backbone not you.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 22:11

first little victory... just said to DH, I have ben thinking about sleeping arrangements and we can offer them 'any combination of nursery, summerhouse, lounge, loft, their van on the drive... or Youth Hostel down the road'. 'I'm having my bed as I'm 7 months preganant'. He said 'I'm fine with that' and we looked at where we would make up temp beds for them. I'll just make up beds for them tomorrow and will repeat the above parrot fashion in broken record style as posters have suggested. Thanks for everyone's validating comments and perspectives, will report back soon!

OP posts:
Kayano · 12/08/2011 22:14

YES! Go DH! Go!

You tell him I said that. Still keep us updated though. I feel I need to know BILs reaction!

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 22:16

don't worry Kayno, won't be able to help myself post BILs reaction! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 22:17

Kayano, I mean...

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/08/2011 22:17

If your brand new cot is set up in the nursery, I would suggest you hide it away even if that means dismantling it.

Any chance you can fix a lock on your bedroom door before the overbearing twnd his family arrive?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/08/2011 22:18

twnd!!! I thought I typed twunt.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 22:18

thanks Izzy, it's loaded with stuff so they would have to be really brazen to take that all out!

OP posts:
Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 22:19

out of the cot, I mean.... lock sounds tempting Wink

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 12/08/2011 22:31

At least take the mattress out and put it in your room

Yama · 12/08/2011 22:36

Well done. Pleased don't get stressed about this. Just be resolute in your mind that you will be sleeping in your bed while they stay. No debating in your mind, no running through arguments - nothing.

You will be sleeping in your bed.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 12/08/2011 22:36

Agree with Izzy and myBOYS. At least the mattress can be taken out.

Kayano · 12/08/2011 22:37

I bet there is an instance of 'oh Dw and child are tired... They have just gone to have a lie down on your bed'

And then make you feel UR for then removing them come bed time. This thread... I love it so much x

TubbyDuffs · 12/08/2011 22:40

Cheeky bugger! I think all the advice has been given, but stick to it, and remember YOU ARE 7 MONTHS PREGNANT and therefore YOU are the priority!

(Yes, I am shouting)

Lucyinthepie · 12/08/2011 22:55

Good, but be ready for a scene and if it does kick off then be firm and hand them some B+B phone numbers.
A long time ago when I was a trainer I used to run assertiveness courses. We always practised the broken record technique. Rule one though is - don't lie. Don't make up excuses and never say sorry. You aren't sorry and you have nothing to apologise for. One of my pet hates is "I'm sorry, but..." because they aren't sorry at all!
So:
BIL: I thought you said we could sleep in your room.
DH: No, we didn't. We said that LSS is seven months pregnant and needs to sleep in her own bed. So you can use the space we've sorted out for you.
BIL: You didn't say that, you agreed, I insist that we sleep in your room.
DH: As I said before, LSS is seven months pregnant and needs to sleep in her own bed. We have sorted space out for you.
BIL: This is a fucking joke! You've got a cheek springing this on us now! It was all arranged. I told you we would be sleeping in your room.
DH: We didn't agree to you sleeping in our room. As I said, LSS is seven months pregnant and needs to sleep in her own room. We have space sorted out for you.

They very seldom continue beyond the third repetition, or even the second come to that. Often they back down. A complete prat like this bloke with a history of getting his own way might then take a guilt trip tactic:

BIL: I've never been treated so badly! My own brother! Obviously we're not welcome here so we're not bloody staying!
DH: You're very welcome to stay here. However LSS is... (get the picture?).
However, if you would prefer to stay somewhere else that is your choice. Would you like me to find you some B+B numbers?

You'd better print this for DH before tomorrow. Grin
Notice, I've left it all to him. This is power play between him and his brother. He has to deal with it, and he has to stand up for you. In fact, at the first sign of trouble you maybe have to just go off somewhere. Try to avoid chipping in certainly if you can.

notlettingthefearshow · 12/08/2011 22:56

YANBU. It's rude to demand where to sleep as a guest, unless they have some particular reason to request your room - even so, they cannot 'insist' as you are not a hotel! You are absolutely right to worry about setting a precendent. Do ask your DH to have a word to explain how tough nights are for you at the moment, and say they can sleep wherever they want apart from your room.

I sympathise you with needing to keep your bed and the bathroom. I'm only 20 weeks and I need both those things. I've always been a light sleeper and get up several times a night, struggling to sleep on my side so often have very disturbed nights. I can only assume that if you are a good, heavy sleeper, you have no idea what it's like to get no sleep. I'm going to stay with a friend in a few weeks and she's already got sniffy when I said I'd rather take the sofa than share her double. It's as much for her benefit as mine - no one in their right mind would want to share with a restless, clumsy, sleeptalking pregnant lady!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/08/2011 23:48

Lucy speaks with wise tongue!

Do not use the word 'sorry' - it's such an inappropriately overused word that constructing a sentence which avoids any mention of 'sorry' can be a valuable aid to keeping calm when endeavouring to be assertive.

As for Lucy's suggestion that at the first sign of trouble you maybe have to just go off somewhere make that somewhere your bed Grin

In fact, in your situation, I'd be greeting the asshole guests from the comfort of my own bed where I'd been advised to spend as much time as possible until the advent of pfb - and I wouldn't be leaving it unless they were out of the house.

FabbyChic · 12/08/2011 23:59

Can you email him and say something just confirming the sleeping arrangements you will sleep in the summerhouse and on the sofa or in the nursery. If he don't like it he can fuck off.

Seriously you are pregnant why are you giving your bed up to a pig?

smalltownshame · 13/08/2011 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

biscuitmad · 13/08/2011 00:21

Text BIL and say Ive been to the hospital and they have told me to be careful and stay stress free. If you still want to come down to see us then thats okay. However you wont be able to stay at our house as I need to sleep and be relaxed. I cannot do this if Im running around looking after everyone else. My unborn baby comes first!!!

He cant argue with that if he does then not only is he a total prick but you will be able to say something like, what the fuck? Your not staying here. Message will then understood.

Family are a right pain in the arse at times, if you dont stand your ground they will walk all over you.

rockinhippy · 13/08/2011 00:26

Throw a complete wobbly & refuse point blank- make sure you look like insane woman from hell - you can always blame your hormones later - after they've made themselves comfy in the summer house

I'm outraged at the cheek of the manShock

plupervert · 13/08/2011 06:55

I imagine the SIL would be mortified at the BIL's behaviour, so hope it won't be as bad when they come and he is exposed to the consequences of his actions from your/DH's side and hers!

After all, once it becomes clear that she will be sleeping in a summerhouse/on an airbed with their 6mo and her husband had been told this but she hadn't been warned, she can give him a few more uncomfortable nights when they get home!

With his moaning about the emotional baggage of the relationship with his brother (DH), it's fairly clear that he's not been thinking of her and his family. Another oversight on his part.... He's going to be dealing with the consequences of this for years!

YellowDinosaur · 13/08/2011 07:49

I don't think you should be making any excuses / lie about why they can't have your room. This isn't just about the bed, its also about your dh relationship with his brother and some kind of wierd powerplay.

So lie if you want but you will find yourself in the same situation next time as bil asks for increasingly more unreasonable things to see how much he can control his brother.

Do Lucy's technique. Spot on.

Or alternatively you said you actually wanted to go away rather than stay at home with them. So you could call bil and say 'how can we arrange to get you our keys?'. And when he asks what you are on about say 'with you going on and on about me and dh having to get out of the house to accommodate you we had presumed that you just wanted to use our house and not see us so we have booked a week away' Grin

Debs75 · 13/08/2011 08:50

Lucy you are very assertive and that is really good advice. I am saving your username to ask you for help in the futureSmile

OP let us know how it went

Lucyinthepie · 13/08/2011 08:53

Well, I'm going to mark this thread and send you and DH positive vibes!

Some people are still suggesting making excuses or avoiding this in some way. That is absolutely the wrong thing to do. The reason why they can't have the room is completely valid and reasonable, so that is the reason to use when refusing BIL's demands. Honesty is always the right policy in these situations. Start to make up stories and the broken record technique won't work as people inevitably start to embroider their tall tales and stray from the script.

The other reason for complete honesty and assertiveness in this case is that it is not just about one visit and one bed. This situation has a whole background involving the unequal relationship between the two brothers and the manipulative way that one brother behaves. The line in the sand needs to be drawn, and when something like this comes up that is so clearly unreasonable it's a really good place to do that.