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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 18:44

(Wish I'd said what Lucy said)

Lucyinthepie · 12/08/2011 19:06
Blush

I get so cross on people's behalf sometimes...

Lucyinthepie · 12/08/2011 19:11

Oh, give me his number, I'll do it! Grin

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA · 12/08/2011 19:13

A grown man feels like his brother doesn't pay him enough attention.... for the love of god.

I couldn't live with your DH, what a wet blanket not being able to tell his brother 'NO, my pregnant wife is not giving up her bed, end of. If you want to stay you can stay in the summer house or find a local B&B' FFS I simply cannot believe either of you are even considering this.

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA · 12/08/2011 19:14

.... what lucy said....

LolaRennt · 12/08/2011 19:15

DH needs to grow a significantly larger pair. Thsi is bullshit you should never have to say no. He shouldn't ask and if he does DH should say no. To be insistant about it?? Who the fuck does he think he is. Uninvite him. He'll piss you off while he's there for sure!

lady007pink · 12/08/2011 19:15

Hmm, I'd be tempted to go on the holiday and not tell them, don't answer his phone calls - let BIL arrive at your house and not find you there. He deserves this as he's such an ignoramus (though the kids don't)

MadameCastafiore · 12/08/2011 19:16

He would get a lovely email with lots of hyperlinks to local hotels if he were a relation of mine.

Not getting enough attention what a cock - do grown ups actually say stuff like that?

ShoutyHamster · 12/08/2011 19:17

Time for a massive burst pipe, an unusable house, and a panicked last minute package deal for you and DH to somewhere sunny, for your last holiday as the two of you, because no-one can be there while the plumbing gets fixed.

Or - as others have said - lose your rag with him. You're pregnant, you'll get away with it, and he sorely needs it. Stand up to him now or this sets the tone for future summers - you know that, don't you? Because stroppy demanding Little Bil needs more attention from his brother and to prove to himself he comes first, yes, even before his brother's pregnant wife

(I'll eat my hat if that's not at the root of all this demanding and bullying - which is precisely WHY your DH needs to deal with this...)

MadameCastafiore · 12/08/2011 19:17

Or just be out at the time they are going to get there.

lady007pink · 12/08/2011 19:19

Ooh, I love ShoutyHamster's first suggestion.....

dutchyoriginal · 12/08/2011 19:20

Last year, we went to London to visit friends (first big trip with DS, 6mo at the time). He is DS's godfather. She was 6-7 months pregnant at the time and naturally we expected to sleep in the living room or in the study/guest room. However, they insisted we took their room, so that we would have more space with the baby. In the end, we accepted gratefully, although I still feel a bit guilty about it. The difference here is that BIL demands it! That is unbelievably shocking and beyond rude! YANBU to not want to move!

SchrodingersMew · 12/08/2011 19:32

I'm 8 months pregnant and totally refuse to sleep in any other bed.
My DP keeps asking me to stay at MIL's but I'm not having it as I need my sleep in my comfy bed.

Seriously, if anyone tried this with me they would be getting a 'glesga kiss'.

Please for the love of God, grow a backbone and tell them to bugger off. They are completely rude and taking the piss.

I hope it works out for the best for you OP.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 19:33

Shoutyhamster - love your first suggestion.
and you've hit the nail on the head - I think it is all about him proving to himself that he comes first - all his behaviour signals exactly this!

Lucy and others - you're right and unanimous in what you are saying.

And as another poster said, it's a cheap way to extend their hols as they are broke (funny how no one ever vists us in winter, then we get a sudden influx of visitors in August (we live by the sea).

{Makes mental note to have therapy or something to strengthen personal boundaries}.

OP posts:
Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 19:34

p.s thanks for good wishes, I will report back how this all unfolds Confused

OP posts:
waitofevidence · 12/08/2011 19:52

There is a useful technique for being assertive with someone who won't listen, called the broken record technique. Basically you just repeat your answer until they give in. May I suggest "fuck off, fuck off............" or even just "no I can't, no it's not convenient..........." Please?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 12/08/2011 19:55

What about "did you hear what I just said? What did I just say?"

Force him to repeat it. He can't pretend he didn't hear it if he repeated it!

Moobee · 12/08/2011 20:28

I second what Lucy said and also waitofevidence, the broken record technique is excellent. There's information on it here:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness

You may want to practice before speaking to them. So, you might contact them about the visit, and say, "since I'm 7 months pregnant, I'm going to need to sleep in my bed. You're welcome to sleep in the summer house or on the floor of the nursery. if you don't think there's enough room, we can recommend some B&Bs" (or whatever you are happy with - you could relegate them from the nursery to the living room if you like).

If they argue and say, well it would be easier for us to stay in the bedroom, just reply with a variation of the sentence above. So "I appreciate you think it would be easier for you, but I am 7 months pregnant and will need my bed. You are welcome to sleep in the summer house and nursery."

Basically, anything they say, answer with a variation of your chosen sentence. Best of luck (and pleeeasee don't give in - they are unbelievably cheeky).

mumeeee · 12/08/2011 20:35

YANBU. Your BIL is being very rude and childish. As others have said do not give up your bed . You are 7 months pregnant and need to sleeping your own bed . You should come first not your BIL

amicissima · 12/08/2011 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 12/08/2011 20:59

Erm midwife has pit you on bed rest and stay there till they have gone Grin

Shoutymomma · 12/08/2011 21:10

Say "Please do use our bedroom, but I'm afraid I haven't had time to change the linen since I shit the bed".

G1nger · 12/08/2011 21:23

Is it too late to plead ignorance, blended with incredulity ("I'm sorry, I don't understand. You don't actually expect me to give up my bed, do you? Ha ha ha, etc etc")?

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 12/08/2011 21:41

When they arrive just take their bags wherevr you want them to go, if they start to protest just turn smile and say that you assumed they had been joking as you are seven months pregnant.

Inertia · 12/08/2011 22:03

What's that Star Wars line ? Do or do not, there is no 'try'. Or something.

Don't 'try' to tell your BIL. Just tell him. You need your own bed.

If you are prepared to have them to stay then you have to be clear.

I agree with whoever said to take the summerhouse out of the equation, a 2 and 4 yo would not be safe with no adult there in the evening. I would suggest SIL and baby in the nursery, and BIl, 2 and 4yo on airbeds in front room. Adults evening in the kitchen.