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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:
Debs75 · 12/08/2011 16:43

Do not let them push you over on this. If he won't take any gentle hints and it gets to bedtime point him to the summer house. If he puts the kids in your bed then get dh to carry them down so you can get in.
Failing that if you know sil will puit the dc's up at say 7 then feign extreme tiredness and get into your bed at 6.45 saying you have a migraine and need your sleep.
Failing that have a super pregnancy induced tantrum and burst into tears then complain of nagging pains in your bump.

acatcalledfelix · 12/08/2011 16:43

I second everyone else and tell them f* right off. Why are they coming? Was it clear when it was arranged what the sleeping arrangements would be?
I ask because I'm having 2 x BIL and SIL's plus 2 children coming to stay in my (small) flat in a few weeks for the night. When I sent the message out saying they could stay (so they don't have to pay for hotels) I stated very very clearly that I was NOT giving up my bedroom (I'll be 8 months pg then), they know how much space we have, and it's up to them to work out amongst themselves how they'll fit in. I wanted to make sure there was no misunderstanding or misplaced expectations from the start!

Chestnutx3 · 12/08/2011 16:43

How come you have a family of 5 with a baby coming to stay in a tiny house when you are 7 months pregnant - who arranged all of this?

I would just go and stay with a friend/relative for the weekend and let your DH deal with it.

Pandemoniaa · 12/08/2011 16:45

We do give up our bedroom occasionally - it's very big and useful if people have suitcases and stuff so when my Australian cousin and her husband stayed for a week last year it gave them a nice little sanctuary and plenty of room to chill out in and spread their stuff. Since they were on a massive tour of Europe, there was masses of stuff!

But having said this, it is always our choice whether we give up our bedroom, not something foisted on us by over-demanding guests and of course, I'm not pregnant.

Nobody shifts someone who is 7 months pg out of their room. Like nobody. So you really do have to say that you need your room and your bed and this is absolutely not-negotiable. If the summerhouse is good enough for you to be relegated to then it is certainly fine for your BIL's wife and children.

Also, if this oik is your BIL, why is your DH not standing up to him and supporting you in what is a totally reasonable wish?

Catslikehats · 12/08/2011 16:47

Why are they coming to stay and why can't you cancel?

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2011 16:47

children will be fine sleeping in the summerhouse in August!
Didn't we all camp in the pouring rain as children?

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:49

susie you're right - my DH has tried to have a conversation with BIL, but he's not taking it on board. DH even said, well we could pop down at xmas hols to see you instead and BIL said 'eugh you'll have a crying baby then' (even though they are bring three). So angry!!!!! Angry It seems they will come EVEN if we say no.

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 12/08/2011 16:50

One other thing to consider - they have children? a six month old baby? when your sil was 7 months pregnant, do you think your bil would have got her to give up her bed for you? Or do you think he would have said that she is pregnant so has GOT to have the bed...

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. You are bending over and taking it up the arse. It's not good for you.

Ephiny · 12/08/2011 16:50

YANBU! It's very rude of BIL to even ask you to give up your bed, never mind being pushy/insistent about it! It would be one thing if you offered, but it's not for him to tell you to!

Is this your DHs brother? He should be standing up for you and telling him to back off (or find somewhere else to stay).

You're not an idiot - it's hard sometimes to be assertive with people like this, because you don't want to be rude or unpleasant. But they are the ones being rude by putting you in this situation with their outrageous demands!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 12/08/2011 16:53

'tried' to have a conversation?

Forgive me, but NO is a very short, very clear and easily understood word. How can someone not take "NO" on board?

You don't HAVE to have them to stay. You don't HAVE to give up your room.

I look forward to your next thread, when they are here, and you are asking if you are being unreasonable to be cross because they are demanding you wait on them hand and foot and aren't lifting a finger. And you'll tell us how you're running around after them all.

If I'm right, you owe me a curly-wurly.

acatcalledfelix · 12/08/2011 16:58

OP if I hear that you have given in and given them their bed I'm going to be very mad with you, and you won't like that!!!!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 12/08/2011 16:58

Fuck's sake.

I don't know why you're having them to stay at all, but if you still are, you need to say 'You will sleep where we put you. If you cannot deal with that then you will have to stay elsewhere.' And your partner needs to 'try' harder at talking to his brother too. Please, don't put up with this.

hopenglory · 12/08/2011 16:59

Send them a list of local B&Bs that they can choose from if what they are being offered in your house doesn't suit them

rookiemater · 12/08/2011 17:00

Sorry I still don't know what the arrangements are if you don't give up your room. Will the summer house fit all of them including the baby? Why won't you let them sleep in the nursery if you aren't sleeping there?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/08/2011 17:02

Seriously - grow a backbone, or at least one between you!

It is your house, therefore you set the rules. Your DH needs to have the conversation.

Zippylovesgeorge · 12/08/2011 17:03

Either say no or cancel - they sound a right pain. Surely you've forgotten to tell them you are now on 'bed rest' or something??? ;)

diddl · 12/08/2011 17:04

I would be tempted to let SIL & baby have the nursery if she is still feeding at night.

Surely BIL can be in the summer house with his other children?

herbietea · 12/08/2011 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lotkinsgonecurly · 12/08/2011 17:05

Simples, one adult and the 2 older children in the summer house / sitting room and the adult and baby in the nursery.

Or everyone in the sitting room or a tent in the garden. Or hotel round the corner......

Pg and own house trumps wife and kids!!!

neolara · 12/08/2011 17:07

I'm going to go against the grain. I'm not sure I would be happy about my dc's sleeping in a summer house, which is presumably somewhere in the garden, by themselves. It would be fine if I was there as well, but presumably your BIL wants to put the kids to bed and then have supper / chat with you and your DH. So there would be a period of a few hours when the kids are out in the garden by themselves. I would be concerned that my kids would be frightened and that they would try to get out and come to find me. I wouldn't want a 2 year old wandering around a garden by themselves. If the summer house is the only alternative you are offering them, then I think you are being unreasonable. Sorry.

DogsBestFriend · 12/08/2011 17:07

"It seems they will come EVEN if we say no."

They'd look fucking stupid standing on the doorstep and banging on the door for hours if they behaved like that to me!

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but this is time to show some backbone.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 17:08

rookie - not sure if the summerhouse is big enough - don't think so tbh. I am will let them sleep in the nursery (not on the new blinking cot matress though) but I don't like having to (have defend the nest pregnancy hormones running throuh my veins!!)

OP posts:
plupervert · 12/08/2011 17:09

I can't remember whether you invited them. Why are they coming?

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 17:10

I agree with comments to show some backbone etc. I'm confounded with myself why I am not. But really, you'd have to meet these people.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 12/08/2011 17:10

I agree with DogsBestFriend

Just say no. It's your house: how hard can it be? At the very least tell your husband to stop being so wet and to man up and be assertive with his family.