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AIBU?

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Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:
Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 17:12

Pulp, they invited themselves as they are holidaying in south wales and we live in mid wales. TBH, I would much rather be on holiday with DH on a last pre baby holiday next week, but that's a whole other matter, not for te forum Wink.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/08/2011 17:12

As diddl has said, it is your bil's intention to take over your house and relegate your dh and you to the summerhouse.

Where is your dh in this? Hasn't he fielded any calls from your unreasonable twunt of a bil?

Given that the arrival of the guests from hell inconsiderates is imminent, either you or your dh need to urgenty grow some and tell them tonight that:

  1. The only accomodation you have available for them is your summerhouse - it'll be a bit of a squash for them but they're welcome to use it for 2 nights.
  1. If that does not suit them, tell them that they can either book into (find a local b&b) for their stay or forego the visit.

If you haven't got the balls to spell it out to them, either yourself or your dh will have to call off the proposed visit tonight due to unexpected change of plan, illness in the family etc. What a shame - never mind, hope to see them next time, blah, blah.

Don't lose any sleep in your own bed over this; I have no doubt your overbearing bil will have no problem in dictating terms to another family member/friend.

acatcalledfelix · 12/08/2011 17:13

Can you clarify why they are coming? I'm really curious, as it seems as though you don't have any room for them at all, and possibly don't like them very much.....!

Ephiny · 12/08/2011 17:13

I agree children on their own in the summer house may not be ideal - it would be a different matter if he's said that and asked if there was any way of working out another arrangement for them. Just insisting that the OP give up her bed is not on though.

If there's no way of accommodating them all in the house without turfing the OP out of her bed, then they need to find a B&B, it's that simple.

rookiemater · 12/08/2011 17:14

Well whilst I think your BIL is being unreasonable for insisting that you give up your bedroom I'm still not clear on where you thought they would sleep and after all they do have a 4 yr old 2 yr old and a 6 month baby.

if you don't think the summer house is big enough and you didn't want them in the nursery then it sounds like you don't really have accomodation on offer which is perhaps why BIL is asking the question about where they are going to sleep.

rookiemater · 12/08/2011 17:14

Ah ok cross posted, I didn't see the bit where they asked themselves, ok all bets are off if they asked themselves then they can work out their own sleeping arrangements.

plupervert · 12/08/2011 17:15

"TBH, I would much rather be on holiday with DH on a last pre baby holiday next week"

So tell BIL you don't think this is going to work, then go away yourselves. It's up to you whether you let the other family stay while you're away.

ilovesooty · 12/08/2011 17:15

It would be much better to spell it out clearly. If you make up an excuse they'll know you're lying and you still won't have got your point across.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 17:16

I appreciate all the good advice given I promise - not trying to ignore it, so please don't think your words are wasted. I am taking it all on board. - I'm just trying to get over this strange mental block with myself and accordingly with DH. DH has tried so I don't blame him.... I'm assertive in work, too.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 12/08/2011 17:17

They 'invited themselves', are coming anyway although you don't want them to, and by doing so are preventing you and your DH from having the holiday you actually wanted? Shock You really need to learn to stand up to these people. The issue of the bed sounds like a good place to start!

etyksm · 12/08/2011 17:23

Hi, We volunteered to give up our bedroom to DH sis & BIL when they came when I was 5 months pregnant.

It was my idea and my choice as I felt it would be easier all round. We slept in the spare room with DS (2) and they slept in our room with their 2 DDs (3yrs and 6 months old).

However it did convince us that we needed to replace the old sofa bed in the spare room, as it wasn't a very comfortable nights sleep! :-)

YANBU - its your house, your decision, and no-one has the right to tell you where you sleep in your own home!

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 17:29

I guess there is a bigger subtext to this in that BIL feels that DH doesn't give him enough attention and told him so in an emotive email. It's quite childish IMO, but DH feels caught in the middle I think....A bag of laughs {not} Hmm

OP posts:
Ephiny · 12/08/2011 17:49

Your BIL sounds very odd!

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 12/08/2011 17:53

Tell your DH not to give in to emotional blackmail and to put his pregnant wife first. It's that simple.

lisad123 · 12/08/2011 17:56

I would set SIL and youngest in nursery with double airbed and travel cot and send BIL and eldest to the summer house.

takethisonehereforastart · 12/08/2011 17:57

I remember your other thread, sorry this still hasn't worked out.

I think it's time for one of you to be brave (and it really should be your OH).

Big deep breath and say "sorry but I am/lightsandshapes is seven months pregnant and needs the bed. You can all sleep in the summerhouse and nursery or you can get yourselves a B&B. Or if you don't like that you can just pop over for the day and go back to your holiday accommodation in SW for the night. But you are NOT having our room or our bed."

evenlessnarkypuffin · 12/08/2011 18:02

I'd find some lovely hotels online and request brochures. To be sent to their address.

skybluepearl · 12/08/2011 18:07

DH needs to email back and say the most important thing is putting my wifes needs first particularly as she is 7 months pregnant and already uncomfortable. Do come and visit though as i would love to spend some quality time with you - will have the nursery and summer house ready

Gastonladybird · 12/08/2011 18:08

No is a complete sentence.
Also you clearly dont have late pregnancy rage issues Like I got as would have relished a situation like this to rant . Yanbu

pranma · 12/08/2011 18:14

Please dont give up your bed-offer a combination of summer house in garden,airbed in living room and nursery but be absoluely definite that you are keeping your bed even if the Queen comes never mind your s-i-l.

warthog · 12/08/2011 18:16

your dh doesn't give him enough attention??????

what is he? 3?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 12/08/2011 18:22

Are they coming to see you or are they coming to stay in your house because it's a nice way to extend their holiday for free?

Because it sounds to me like the latter...

FakePlasticTrees · 12/08/2011 18:28

call your SIL (assuming she's more sane than her husband) - tell her you aren't prepared to give up your bed no matter what BIL says - so you will sleep in it and everyone else will have to organise themselves. Suggest if she and BIL really aren't happy with those arrangements, you'll understand if they want to stay at a hotel and you'll see them for lunch.

Say that you don't want to fall out over this, but you're hormonal and short tempered ("you do understand having done this 3 times yourself" etc) and you will give him a piece of your mind if he tries to evict you out of your own bed.

Lucyinthepie · 12/08/2011 18:28

Would you and DH stop TRYING to deal with this and just deal with it? Don't email, don't text - because he can say he didn't get them. Just pick up the phone and tell him. Say at 7 months pregnant you are having enough problems sleeping as it is (whether or not that is true) and therefore there is no question of you giving up your bed. Whatever he says, just repeat variations of that sentence until he shuts up. If he gets obnoxious then move to stage 2, which is to say that this planned visit is causing too much stress and bad feeling and you are cancelling it. Ideally, your DH needs to do that. But one of you needs to do it NOW, because the longer you leave it, the more reason you give them to complain at the late notice.

However, late notice or not, if this inconsiderate twat had taken any notice of what he'd been told earlier, there wouldn't be any last-minute problems or cancellation, so don't go on a guilt trip about that. Just get it sorted asap.
Put it this way, you're either going to upset them now, or when they are with you, because no way is this visit going to go well. He plans to come into your house and basically shove you out of it. How's that going to play out? So you may as well deal with it on the phone rather than face to face hadn't you?

Could your DH read this please and strap some on...

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/08/2011 18:36
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