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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 09:20

Lucy! I wish I were that assertive!

I need to get into the habit of this for inlaws. Not just saying no though, but generally sticking up for myself. I can never get the sentance right though at the time, it's only later once I've thought about it. Sometimes the things they do just stun me and I can come up with no words. Is it just practice? Is there a book?

clam · 13/08/2011 09:45

You said your BIL just needs to "prove to himself he comes first."

Hmm

But he doesn't come first. Why would he, to your DH, who has a wife who is 7MONTHS PREGNANT, FFS!!!!!!!

I don't get why they're coming to stay at all, actually. You clearly don't have room to put up a family of 5 in a 2-bed house. And you're pregnant. And they're bloody rude.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 11:46

You said your BIL just needs to "prove to himself he comes first."

Yeah why does he say that?! What has been the issue between them?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2011 12:55

I agree that you shouldn't make excuses, OP. It's simply your house and they are guests and therefore they sleep where they're put. Even if you weren't pregnant and didn't have any particular needs, that would be the case. I am not pregnant but if anyone invited themselves to my house and told me they'd be having my and DP's bedroom I'd tell them very firmly where to go (first of all literally, to the sofabed in the living room, then in more metaphorical terms Smile).

Good luck anyway and stick to your guns. The 'broken record' approach is a very good one, as is 'Did you hear what I just said?/Do you understand what I'm saying?' Get a response out of him so that you're both clear on what the situation is.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 13/08/2011 12:59

Gosh, I love mumsnet for this reason. Thank you for the advice and support.
Lucy, I love that script and your tips from assertiveness training, which I WILL be deploying. Thanks for positive vibes of folks. Good idea not to lie, as it weakens the argument, and the truth is enough. I did a 'dealing with conflict course a while ago and it's reminded me of those principles. I've also done a PG Cert in personal and business coaching so I should know this stuff like the back of my hand. Amazing how relatives can really test you though!

I now just have to stay calm, and not feel like I'm about to go into battle!

Glasto girl - oh yes, I think I know what you mean about late pregnancy rage - I think that too is about needing people to respect your boundaries when you need to carve out space and time for yourself for what's about to come (1st DC for me btw, so no idea what's about to come!)

Clam and whose - no idea where this sibling rivalry comes from. The SIL who stayed with her side of the family a couple of weeks ago (which was nice and not stressed!) said that she thinks BIL has this idealised sense f what a brother relationship should be like, and he doesn't think he gets it. Obviously he has ishhoooos. DHs mum visited recently too - but she was very respectful, bought us a takeaway and stayed in a B+B.

I think I will be putting my foot down and saying to DH no more visitors after this until the baby comes. I need to put my feet up and prepare self (whatever that involves)! Confused

OP posts:
clam · 13/08/2011 13:10

I actually don't think this is just about you being pregnant, either. That exacerbates it, certainly, but your BIL is behaving rudely and way overstepping the mark. When you (or your DH) are putting him straight, you don't even need to say that your bedroom is unavailable because you are pregnant, just that it's not happening. End of debate.

Journey · 13/08/2011 13:25

I agree with clam.

I don't understand the need to go into detail. All you need to say to your BIl is if you want to come and stay there is only one room free (the nursery) in your house. If that doesn't suit then you'll need to stay in a B&B or hotel if you still want to come. If he starts protesting then say "it's unfortunate you don't like the arrangements but that is all we can offer".

It's not up for discussion or debate.

HeyYouJimmy · 13/08/2011 15:59

Grin @ pregnancy rage. Best use it to your advantage. If your BIL starts up about sleeping arrangements, tell remind him (in madwoman pregnancy rage) that they weren't invited to stay with you in the first place and that they had actually invited themselves. Don't forget to state very clearly that YOU WILL NOT BE GIVING UP YOUR BED TO ANYONE. If he doesn't like where they are to sleep, give him a list of B&B/Travelodge/Hotel numbers to ring for accommodation.

Would your BIL be likely to chuck a childish hissy fit if he doesn't get his way?

Gastonladybird · 13/08/2011 17:22

Even if he does throw a childish hissy fir so what? Just makes him look even more of an arse than he already does

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 13/08/2011 19:36

hahah, just had a phone call msg from the SIL asking what food would be in or if they need to bring some. The sense of entitlement of some people. I took the opportunity to leave a return message saying 'not much food in at the moment, so if you could bring some that would be great'. I also added, have made bed in nursery for girls and can you bring blow up matress for summer house for boys. I'm learning!

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2011 19:37

Well at least she asked if she needed to bring food. Good for you about the bed in the nursery and blow-up mattresses!

Gastonladybird · 13/08/2011 19:43

But have you actually said our bed is for us? This does seem to need spelling out - not via indirect voice mail

rookiemater · 13/08/2011 19:57

Maybe you should call off the visit OP. It's not really unnatural for a mother of 3 to ring up to check what the food arrangements are, so I suspect that you will be on tenterhooks all visit for anything vaguely offensive that BIL or SIL might say or do and as such the visit is not going to enhance family relationships.

YellowDinosaur · 13/08/2011 20:36

Do you know what I think bil has been a twat in his presumption about beds but there was nothing at all wrong with sil message and I am sure you wouldn't have read anything into it if it wasn't for the back story.

She asked if she needed to bring any food - I don't read any sense of entitlement into that, just that she was asking. It would be wierd to show up wih loads of food if you had it all planned. I bet she turns up with loads or at least plans to get a takeaway.

Sounds as though she is not the unreasonable one (and may know nothing about the sleeping arrangements conversation) and this is all about bil and his wierd relationship with his brother.

You have spelt out now where they will be sleeping so I would just let it lie. Do the broken recordthing iff needed when they arrive if the message hasn't sunk in but no need to do anything else in advance now imho except chill out about the food as sil will be bringing it. Result!

Ephiny · 13/08/2011 20:36

Yes it doesn't seem unreasonable for her to phone and ask if there's anything she can bring, I'd probably have done the same! Confused

spilttheteaagain · 13/08/2011 20:39

Is it tomorrow they are coming?

Greatdomestic · 13/08/2011 20:51

OP, post an update puleeeeeez.

auroraday · 13/08/2011 20:59

YANBU in the slightest. Totally bloody rude this BIL of yours.
And I tend to take your side on the food question - nice of her to offer to bring food but less so asking "what food will be in". I wouldn't be amused if a guest called and asked me that to be honest. The offer is a nice one but less so on the back of "what will be in"!

blaaahh · 13/08/2011 21:04

your house. your rules. simple.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 13/08/2011 21:13

I agree auroraday - "do you want us to bring anything" is one thing.... "what food will be in" is another. It sounded like the latter! Logging off for the eve folks, but will post an update sun / monday!

Thank you again, you are all lifesavers. x

OP posts:
TooImmature2BDumbledore · 13/08/2011 21:23

Has anything else happened yet? [nosey]

Fwiw, a couple of years ago we had DH's brother and SIL to stay, with year-old son, at the same time as PIL. We had a 2 bed house but BIL, SIL & nephew were sleeping in the dining room in blow-up bed and travel cot. Nephew had a cold, as did FIL. Halfway through 5-day visit SIL kicked up so much fuss about nephew being downstairs next to the living room when the rest of us were talking (he was ill so needed his sleep, you see) that PIL offered to swap rooms. This meant that we had to go no, no, we'll swap, you can't have people in their late 50s sleeping on an airbed. I was so pissed off, and I wasn't even pregnant!

I was even more pissed off when they couldn't work out how to turn off the ridiculously expensive electric heater at night so opened the window instead. But I digress.

PinkSchmoo · 13/08/2011 21:33

I love Lucy.

Brilliant advice to which I will add nothing.

Lucyinthepie · 13/08/2011 21:42

Op, you're learning, but you still avoided the elephant in the room. Ring back and either speak or leave a message saying "I realise I didn't tell you where you will be sleeping. DH and I will be staying in our bed and you will be sleeping... ".

Here's some interesting reading on assertiveness and the broken record technique, if anyone's interested www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2998551

There is lots about it on the Net if you Google, but some is better than others. For example, I found a couple that use the word "sorry", and as I said above, never apologise for something that you aren't sorry about.

Simple and fun:

Read up on the technique, then pair up with a friend to practise. Friend asks you do do something unreasonable, or that you don't want to, and you practise the BRT by persistently refusing. The swap round and you demand something of her/him. Then... try using the BRT to get your way about something. So for example "DH, could you do the washing up before you go to the football please?" and as he refuses, practise saying exactly the same thing using the BRT until he gives in. Grin

cluelessnchaos · 13/08/2011 22:25

I think sil was being a bit cheeky and could have at least worded it better. Sounds like the pair of them have a superiority complex, or that because you are family they don't have to remember their manners

unsuspectingclodpate · 13/08/2011 22:56

Lovely lovely light and shapes please do not give up your precious bed for such an ignorant relative. You and your babe need to be pampered right now. Put yourself first. I dare you!