not to want to give up my bed???

[lightsandshapes]

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

Thanks Shouty - that's exactly what I needed to hear. I will be having words about this. That 'cross to bear' is exactly what I don't want.

Oh FFS I typed a long reply and lost it.

In short - you need to be prepared for another nasty incident when they are back, and this time you need to know what you are going to do about it. I would go into instant meltdown in your shoes. Something about "How dare you speak to me like that in my own home? Obviously your apology last night meant nothing. Don't speak to me, I have had enough. I'm going to bed and in the morning I expect you to be packed and leaving". Then out of the room and refuse to engage. Repeat as required, but don't enter into discussion, and be ready to demand that DH supports you.

I would get your DH to say that what he said last night was utterly unacceptable. He puts ONE foot wrong for the rest of the stay and they are out. As others have said this comes from you AND HIM.

(I'd then pray he's a tosser again and he's out ASAP).

Yes, what Lucy and Shouty said.

In fact, I'm still seething at 'maybe you should reconsider having a child' to a man whose wife is six months pregnant.

Please, OP, talk to your DH, draw some boundaries, practise the broken record thing and get these horrible people out of your house.

Yes Tortoise that comment doesn't really reconcile in my head with a good religious person, which from what OP has said is how he holds himself out.

OP, your husband is really getting on my nerves

Oh, and while they're out, put a few grains of sand in the bottom of BIL's bed.

So they were all jolly this morning then?

If you have to talk to BIL at all until they go - short, clipped answers. Make it clear that you're pissed off. If he says anything, say that after the shocking way he spoke to you last night you'd rather not make conversation and in fact can't wait for them to leave. And that if he wants feedback of the kind he so generously provided for you, you feel it fair to tell him that after his very dysfunctional performance, he needs to be careful that his kids don't get mixed messages about having manners whilst being a guest in someone's house.

What rude comments about your relationship . DP and I often sleep in separate beds, and I don't see the problem with it. The pertinent word is sleep - the way I see it, it's not as though we're going to be talking or having intimacy or cuddling (and we do in fact do plenty of all those things!) while asleep anyway, so surely better to have whatever arrangment suits you best and helps you get a good night's sleep!

Maybe not everyone agrees - but whatever your personal opinion it's very rude to make comments like that, it's really none of their business! As for 'reconsider having a child' .

I said it right near the start - your BIL sounds a very strange person. It just isn't normal to make comments like that to other people, or to get upset with your adult siblings about not giving you enough 'attention' or to order pregnant women to give up their bed in their own home. He doesn't see to have any awareness of normal social interactions.

Agree your DH should be standing up for you more and not allowing this!

He is as you have said being nasty and belittling as part of his mixed feelings about your dh.

You know this so you need to not take it personally (easy to say but difficult to do I know) but also to take power from it. So set up a buzzword bingo and list all the nasty things that you think he might say or do and slot yourself a treat for each one he says. Be it a massage, glass of wine, new handbag, dh making supper for a week or whatever you fancy. Make sure you tell your dh about it so by the end of it you will be willing your bil to say something so you get another treat. Which of course your dh will be providing for you as it is his bro that is being horrid.

Then as well as this you need to practise lauding and looking pityingly at him whenever he makes a comment like this. And have a stock phrase or two to use at the same time, like 'are you really so insecure on your own relationship/life/etc that you can only make yourself feel good about yourself by being horrible to anybody who does anything different to you. Hardly a very Christian approach; I'd watch out as in the end it's your actions that make you a good man not the fact you go to church'. and 'methinks you doth protest too much - youre just projecting your own insecurities'.

If he repeats the comment about dysfunctional families then just tell him that your bringing children into your strong loving family to make up for his dysfunctional nature.

Likewise about the separate beds- if he's not secure in his marriage to be able to sleep apart from his heavily pregnant wife so that you can both sleep properly then he is the one that has problems... It's actually very loving of your dh to sleep separately so you can get some sleep and not put his own needs first.

Basically anything that he uses to criticise you or your family turn it back on him as a criticism of him and his petty insecurity. it's not rude because he started it by being nasty to you, if he can't take it then he shouldn't dish it out.

And don't pretend to be asleep in your room, be perfectly honest that you are not hanging around to be insulted again, you prefer your own company to being around bil. Have you got a tv in your room or could you take the one from downstairs to watch so that they are put out they can all catch up with each other while you get to enjoy your favourite programmed uninterrupted...

Your brother in law is a cock.

Tonight the film to be shown must be a girly romance. All the way through it, whenever there is a public display of affection, you must say "Oh jesus, I hate it when people behave like that... it's so forced. Then again, some people have to make a real effort to make you believe thay are in love! Hahahahaha."

After the film, say "So what are you lot up to tomorrow, only I have an atheist meeting here and we'll be be sitting around on your liloes eating cake and swearing. Probably won't finish up til late so be sure to have supper out before you come back".

Then when they are in bed, go outside with his car keys and fart in his glove-box.

Make that a PRIZE cock.

at fart in his glove box. Dh and i had rampant sex today on their liloes when they were out. That'll teach them. Not that they'll ever know.

Yay for you! And for rampant sex! Have been reading this thread with face - what a prize twunt! Cannot believe how monstrously foot-in-mouth BIL is - what a hateful man, feel v sorry for his kids. Your DC, on the other hand, will clearly have lovely parents .

Christ, I couldn't have gotten on or off a lilo at 7 months pregnant, let alone get shagged on one!!!!!!!

You actually shagged your DH after the twat he's been. I wouldn't have given him it.

A1980 - rage shags can be great. Either that or it was accidental as they both struggled to get off the lilo.

I had said to dh earlier in the day, 'can I get something off my chest. I feel like you didn't defend me'. We discussed the turn of events. Turns out while I was out on my beach get away from it walk, he had stood up for me, and also listened as sil told bil off for his comments. Once they told bil to come and apologise, dh got a few further things off his chest to sil, including the email bil sent dh a while back, and his aggressive attitude, which hopefully will get fed back to bil. So I believe he did defend me, I just wasn't in the house at the time. Dh also only heard what bil had said later after the event.

That'll teach them. Not that they'll ever know.

I've kind of lost a very small perecentage of sympathy for you. Your BIL while a total bastard at least is straight up and says it to your face, while you resort to petty revenge they wont even know about. It's pretty gross actually.

Why don't you just grow a pair and tell him to fuck right off.......

So I believe he did defend me, I just wasn't in the house at the time.

You also don't know for sure as you weren't there. He could tell you he say anythnig and you'd have no way to know.

I hope their kids dont play on the lilo's too or that you wiped them down: boak.

A1980 dh is not one to lie. I know him very well in that sense.

Oh, and we weren't really on the lilos, just had my knee on a corner or something (tmi). It wasn't as revenge at all, I just said that as joke on here. May not have come across.

I think bil has now been told his comments were out of order, by sil, dh and me.

Mog - thank you!

Oh FFS A1980, stop creating drama where there is none.

Lights, I'm really glad you and DH had that conversation. I assume the dynamic between him and his brother has been there all his life, and it's easy enough for us to say well he should stand up for you but if you've spent your entire life with a screwed-up family dynamic and a bully of a sibling it's not so easy. I think he's done well, and you two obviously communicate well, and good luck with the rest of the pregnancy!

LightsandShapes you and DH sound like you're really turning this around and doing well. It can be so easy in front of a computer reading things when in actual fact families are messy, there's love, history, learnt behaviours etc. that have gone on for years... I know what I'd love to do about my family a lot of the time, never do, just silently whistle into the wind (except the Christmas when I lost the plot and shouted at everyone!)

Has BiL actually had the decency to apologise to you yet?

True Senorita! Glad it's sort of sorted now OP!
FWIW DH and me sleep in seperate beds most nights because I can't sleep with his snoring and I sleep better on my own (so does he!) Doesnt mean our relationship is on the rocks.

how's the atmosphere now? Hope all is still well

Sorry, but I too just wouldn't have let that explanation by your DH cut it, I'm afraid.

When your BIL was actually insulting you to your face, in your home - 'Well, you could be more solid' etc., what was your DH doing? Just sitting there, head down? He was being insulted by his PRICK of a brother too, right? Did he just smile and nod and watch you well up? Make a few 'oooh now hang on' pathetic little noises?

I would be really really angry. And - sorry - but you are NOT. You are meek. Politely asking if you can just point out that he didn't stand up for you... and then taking it completely at face value when he then launches into a big description of how when you weren't there, he did?

That isn't good enough. I think you know that although I'm sure your DH did speak to your SIL, it will have been just as meek and conciliatory a conversation as yours with him. And that is not what is needed. WHY did he not speak to his brother DIRECTLY, as in - 'You've really upset us both, I am PISSED OFF with you and your RIDICULOUS attitide - it'll be a long time before we repeat this invitation'.

There's no way any sex would have been happening in that aftermath, let me tell you! And I think that that totally sent out the wrong message to your DH - that essentially you are fine with things, which you aren't.

I hope I don't sound harsh, it's just that the progression of events here has shown me EXACTLY WHY this situation happened. You really, really need to let yourself show to your DH that when you are pissed off, you actually ARE pissed off. You need to stand up for yourself more. Having a peaceful, non-volatile relationship is obvously really good, but that can go too far in that if you are both pretty passive, what happens is that when there's outside conflict afoot, such as Arse Bil, it's easier and nicer for your DH to let you down than let down/upset the other person - because he knows that you will sit there and take it, and that if you get upset, you will still do that from a point of not blaming him - you may cry, but you will let him comfort you. You will talk it through, but you won't make life hard for him. And the basics - sex etc. - are all still there.

There has been NO COMEBACK for your DH here. And as he seems an equally passive person - ok, a bit spineless, at least as far as his brother is concerned - then this won't have been solved. Your DH is sat firmly on the fence, I'm afraid. If you'd heard that conversation, I'm sure you wouldn't have felt stuck up for at all. I'm sure it was full of 'I'm sorry, but it is a little bit upsetting for lightsandshapes at the moment, she is feeling very sensitive...'

So far on this trip, you have been insulted and upset and BIL has felt no comeback, I can assure you. There will have been no indication from your DH that they are now not welcome to visit, and the moment will have been lost. So next time? Well, they want to come and see the baby, don't they? and spend a nice few days with BIL telling you everything you're doing wrong and then next summer, well, baby's first summer so let's get the kids together, yes? and they can swan in and spend a week upsetting you while you have a small child to look after

So right now, I would be saying VERY PLAINLY to your DH - 'So, right, you stuck up for me. So I take it that means that they know that for us it isn't going to work having them to stay again, yes?' And if he hmms and harrs about that, then you say pleasantly, 'Well, this isn't happening again in my home, so I want you to speak to BIL and make it clear that this hasn't worked, and if they wish to visit again, they will be staying elsewhere and making a day visit only.'

I'd like to see your DH's face at that point.

I agree with shoutyhamster .

Between you and your DH you need to start being honest with your family and each other about exactly how you want things to operate in your home. Because in , ooh , 6 weeks or so, your families are going to start dictating to you when and where they are staying in your house ready for the arrival of the baby. You need to make damn sure you are presenting a united front when you are knackered from the birth and sleepless nights.