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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:

fairyqueen · 17/08/2011 08:02

You say everyone treats your house as a holiday home. Next summer, why not use this to your advantage and have a house swap holiday with someone in an equally lovely area? I've got friends who've done this and have had an excellent holiday for next to nothing. I'm sure a bit of googling would quickly find a site for meeting suitable swaps.

honeymom · 17/08/2011 08:09

I don't know about this. If it was me I'd suggest the 3 children go in the nursery. And bil and his partner stayed in the lounge. We just had mil and her partner and 3 step children staying and it was cramped. But I'd never give up my own room. I needed somewhere to escape to when it all got too much.

MidnightHag · 17/08/2011 08:16

'are you sure about having a baby, there are plenty of dysfunctional families in the world already'.

He sounds a bit like my BIL who, when I'd had a failed IVF attempt and then finally become pg after a course of acupuncture pontificated that he didn't agree with acupuncture on religious grounds. Made me feel like I was carrying the devil's seed!
SIL wouldn't let their DC read Harry Potter either...

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 17/08/2011 08:19

I think OP meant she couldn't throw him out because he is the brother of her DH and DH owns the house with her. I must admit it took me a few reads to get it.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 17/08/2011 08:22

BIL is an oaf.

However, do you mean that you sleep in one double bed by yourself and dh sleeps in another by himself?

Totally understand that is no one else's business but can understand why BIL suggested you could perhaps sleep together just for the duration of their visit (especially if it was their 'family' home - he would feel more entitled to interfere, not that he has a right to)

Perhaps he saw your reluctance as a sign that your relationship is in trouble and had a very hamfisted 'go' at couples counselling?

Finallygotaroundtoit · 17/08/2011 08:31

ps Does DH have master bedroom and you have the spare/guest room?

warthog · 17/08/2011 08:48

what a moron.

MigratingCoconuts · 17/08/2011 08:51

Does it matter which bed(s) op and dh sleep in? The bottom line is that no one can invite themselves to stay in your home....especially when you are 7 monthe pregnant.

I really feel for you op. I would be inclined to say (in front of all the adults) something like 'In future, if you wish to stay in my house, you need to show me some respect. Passing comment on my relationship is hurtful and will not be tolerated. I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing to you."

hope it goes well

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 17/08/2011 08:51

Finallygot, dh has been staying in loft bed directly above me. We said one of the kids could stay there but they refused so no one else wanted loft.

God this is awkward this morning. Everyone chirpy this morning like nothing happened. Me with puffy eyes. Fucking bastards.

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 17/08/2011 08:54

put it out there op, don't let it fester!

btw, is there anyone you can go and 'visit' today?

ClaireDeLoon · 17/08/2011 08:57

What has your DH said to you since last night? I really do think your DH should be asking them to leave not sitting chummily watching a film withbthem.

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 17/08/2011 08:59

Claire couldnt agree more. Feel like odd one out. We've chatted it over over a cuddle in bed this am (shock horror bil), but still want them out.

OP posts:

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 17/08/2011 09:04

Fairy queen, great idea, will look into that.

Midnight, sounds like a right twonk too.

OP posts:

ClaireDeLoon · 17/08/2011 09:06

I really hope they don't stay until Friday. If they do remember they are never to stay in your home again! The horrid things they have said about your relationship and 'bringing a baby into another dysfunctional family' crap. Your BIL is vile and clearly enjoys saying things to hurt you, why expose yourself to that.

Lucyinthepie · 17/08/2011 09:07

Are you saying that both you and your husband want them gone? If you do, then BOTH of you, refer back to the broken record stuff, decide on your script, and get them gone.
This could be a big and useful lesson in standing up for yourself. So, what do you and your DH want to do about it now? If you don't know, ask him if he can come and talk to you for a couple of minutes and go to your room to talk about it. He's being a bloody wimp (tell him!), he should be getting his brother outside and telling him that if he is rude to you again he will be asked to leave.

pommedechocolat · 17/08/2011 09:11

Op - Dh and I quite often sleep in different beds and we definitely did for the last few weeks of pregnancy and the newborn stage. Totally normal imo.

There does seem to be a judgement on society from this though which I fail to understand.

Dh does need to stand up for you though. Sometimes when it is their own family though it is hard. Dh and I have had to learn that the hard way with his parents.

Toobluntforboss · 17/08/2011 09:21

Have just caught up with this thread and hope you are feeling better today Op. Your Bil sounds horrendous and I'm hoping you put him in his place before telling him to leave YOUR home! Good luck!

pineapple70 · 17/08/2011 09:36

How dare this guest think it's ok to make judgements on your relationship. It sounds like he is in an unhappy relationship himself and that he is deeply insecure. I'm always wary of people who go on about how great their relationships are. I also thought it was normal to have separate beds when you're that preg.
You have to say something as a couple. DH has to back you up. Bil can't be allowed to get away with this. Has he always felt the need to put DH down?

diddl · 17/08/2011 10:10

I think commenting on someones relationship-unless asked by them directly is really rude.

I think you must ask them to go and never visit again and stay somewhere else in the future.

It´s a lot to put up five extra for a week.

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 17/08/2011 11:10

Ahh, they've gone out for the day. My lovely, peaceful, tranquil, lovely house. Did I say how quiet my house is? . Deep breathing about the fact they have put the dishwasher on some weird setting that is so hot a dish just disintegrated as I tried to take it out. Oh and loaded it so badly, the plates are all still boiling but dirty [breathe].

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 17/08/2011 11:20

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 17/08/2011 11:22

Seriously, OP, no one should talk to you like that in your house and get away with it. If I were you I'd ask them to leave and explain why. Although BIL must already know what he said was out of order, seeing as he apologised. Doesn't matter that it's your DP's house too; he upset you, and you're one of the people who lives there. Going out for the day to avoid them, hoping they go out, fuming to yourself about their housework skills etc is not healthy. Sorry if I sound harsh. I am on your side but I think you need to assert yourself and take back your house.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/08/2011 11:24

Well, on the bright side, they have been sufficiently awful so you can tell your DH tonight that you will not accept them visiting overnight again. How he manages that is his problem. This will therefore be the last time you have to deal with them in your home.

Now, doesn't that thought cheer you up?

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 17/08/2011 11:29

FakePlasticTrees I like that silver lining!

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 17/08/2011 12:22

I'd be pretty disappointed in your DH too. I really hope you've told him that, because quite frankly your BIL has been way, way out of line right from the start of this and the overall SILENCE from your DH's end of the table has been quite deafening.

If I were you, I'd pretty much ignore them for the rest of their stay. They're out for the day? Get yourself sorted with food and entertainment and be in bed by the time they return. Make it clear you don't want to spend time with them. Yes, it's rude - that's the intention, really.

This is for your DH's benefit too, you see. He needs to be SHOWN - while they are here - that it isn't an option for him to sit on the fence and mutely wag his tail at BIL, because you won't go along with being insulted in your own home. Fucking angry actually - if my DH hadn't stood up for me when this was going on, there's no way I'd be up for mutual cuddles the next morning. Splinters up his arse or what?! 'Oh darling, I'm on your side really - err, except when I have to stand up and be counted.' Fuck cuddles, my question would be 'And where was MY HUSBAND last night when I was being insulted and upset?!'

And I'd be telling him - and expecting him to make it clear to them - that BOTH OF YOU didn't want them to stay again.

If you don't, going by your DHs behaviour so far, this is shaping up to become your cross to bear - periodically having to put up with this arrogant twat in your home because your DH is too much of a coward to put him straight. Don't let it happen - it will corrode your respect for your DH.

He's not coming out of this well at all. Sorry you're having to go through this.

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