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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:
Original poster
lightsandshapes · 16/08/2011 22:31

Thanks cathy, maybe the is some Freudian bed thing there, in his simple head. A bed issue disorder. Hmm

OP posts:
lisad123 · 16/08/2011 22:31

A week!!! madness imo. I used to make dh leave early everytime we went to stay with PIL, as cant stand being in someone elses house for more than 2-3 days (if they are there of course)

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 16/08/2011 22:37

I agree lisad123, that thing about guests being like fish and smelling after 3 days is so true. I too, don't like staying at others' houses longer than that.

OP posts:
DinahRod · 16/08/2011 22:39

BIL sounds the sort that has to knock others down in order to make himself feel better which really shows how insecure and inadequate he must be.

Know a couple who are almost held together by their disdain of others and but have bugger all else in common. Did once ask "Do you ever say anything nice about people?" and got a v defensive, stuttery reply, some comments about "shheesh some people can't take a joke" and now thankfully v rarely see them.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 16/08/2011 22:49

Going to have a shower and try to ease my headachy head to sleep soon. Keep messages coming tho, they are keeping me sane. Love you all xx

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 16/08/2011 22:53

I'm the exact same Lisa123, my DP wanted to go to his parents for the whole Easter break but I managed to bargain him down to turning up on the Saturday and leaving on the Monday. I just don't feel comfortable staying too long in other people's homes. OK, it didn't help that I hadn't met them before and was worried about how that would go. It turned out that they were very nice but I'll still be angling for arriving on Christmas Eve and leaving on Boxing day.

NunOnTheRun · 16/08/2011 22:57

with apologies for not reading entire thread

but.... BIL has children of his own.

Would HE have said yes to a relative [in similar circumstances] seeking to banish his DW to the summerhouse?

A1980 · 16/08/2011 22:59

OMFG

I would not have retreated to my bedroom and cried, I would have told them to get out of my house RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!! My god you are too tolerant for your own good.

I think you should tell him you have not accpeted his apology.

hairfullofsnakes · 16/08/2011 22:59

OMG! Your bil is a complete fucking wanker twat! Op, please please ignore him - do you really believe or respect the utter gobshite that comes out of his mouth?! You should feel sorry for him as he is a prick. We all know this, you know this and I bet many many people he comes into contact with know this. What he says has no bearing or validity so really the best thing u could do (and believe me, this would PISS him off as he is the type to try and make people feel small) is LAUGH at his observations. Go on, do it next time he says sometime stupid (u won't have to wait long) and when he asks why you laughing just laugh again an shake your head and say, it's just funny, and leave it at that - it will INFURIATE him, believe me

Do it and report back - please! Have fun!

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 16/08/2011 23:04

A1980 believe me if it was just my house I would. But it's dh's brother and dhs house as well so I can't Sad

OP posts:
NunOnTheRun · 16/08/2011 23:07

There were no complaints. Have been much more assertive and have said so something if I didn't agree with something. Result has been that they have been much, much more respectful of boundaries.

Well done L&S

x

Smile
Original poster
lightsandshapes · 16/08/2011 23:08

Nun on the run, until now!

OP posts:
A1980 · 16/08/2011 23:10

But it's dh's brother and dhs house as well so I can't

But you live there. He still has no right speaking to you like in the place where you live: your home. I don't have time to read the whole thread but what's the set up with it?

I would still tell him you haven't and wont forgive him for what he said. Your DH should kick his arse too.

QueenStromba · 16/08/2011 23:13

First of all if it's your DH's house then it's your house too. If your BIL owns half of it then that explains (but doesn't excuse) his behaviour, in fact it just makes him even more of a cock for trying to hold the fact that he owns half of your home over you. What is your arrangement with him? If you pay him rent for his half of the house then you have a right to quiet enjoyment of the property. Even if you don't pay rent that doesn't give him the right to home into your home and speak to you like that.

Inertia · 16/08/2011 23:21

Lights, your BIL is talking absolute bollocks, probably designed to be hurtful towards you as revenge for not letting him have his way over sleeping arrangements. Either that or he is the world's most thick-skinned, self-centred man.

On the plus side, at least you don't have to live with him. In fact I'd have been tempted to respond with that when he was spouting bile about the family you were bringing your child into. His wife and children have to live with that crap all the time.

Hope you are feeling better after your shower and virtual strokes of support from MN. And I hope you feel up to going back down and having a hug with your DH, with a response ready if BIL comes out with anything else.

NunOnTheRun · 16/08/2011 23:21

Nun on the run, until now!
God, sorry L&S [have finally caught up Blush]

all I can say is ... after Friday never let this eejit darken your doorstep again.

Sad
BBQFrenzy · 16/08/2011 23:32

OP Does your DH have a sense of humour? If yes I suggest you and he spend this evening or even better, tomorrow morning, locked in the bedroom jumping up and down on the bed making the noisiest slurpiest revoltingest sex noises you can manage, well within earshot, to reappear looking a little crumpled/flushed (do be careful with your bump jumping!) to say wistfully something along the lines of "phew, absence really does make the heart fonder doesn't it?"

Twat. If he does apologise I'd feel tempted to read about projection on wikipedia and say no no I do realise how it must make you feel when you see me and DH together and then there's you and your wife, I really do, it must be hard for you. Maybe it's best not to stay at one another's houses if it's going to lead to those kind of outbursts.

cluelessnchaos · 17/08/2011 07:13

What a bastard, don't sink to his level. He is like a petulant child hitting out. Do not pretend he hasn't offended you and if he starts getting arsey again ask him iv he gets a kick out of making pregnant women cry.

diddl · 17/08/2011 07:23

So BIL owns part of the house as well?

No wonder he feels so entitled.

What are you intending to do about that situation?

I´m disgusted that your husband didn´t tell him to leave there & then.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 17/08/2011 07:29

No didl, bil has no share in the house whatsoever, except in his mind as some kind of holiday home.

Yes, I feel a bit let down by dh too.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/08/2011 07:39

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood this:
"But it's dh's brother and dhs house as well so I can't"

I think you would be well within your rights-for want of a better word-to ask him to leave.

It´s your home & he has been bloody insulting.

Willabywallaby · 17/08/2011 07:41

Sorry I haven't read all the thread, but really feel for you over what BIL said last night, go get your massage and some 'me time', I hope you get the chance to speak to your DH and get more support from him on this. Take care.

Debs75 · 17/08/2011 07:42

OP I see you are up early. How about rousing the unwelcome visitors with a loud bell or alarm and then you can pack them off for the day to the beach. Then you go out to meet friend for the day with the only set of keys and don't come back until about 6pm

Willabywallaby · 17/08/2011 07:46

Cups of tea all round?

plupervert · 17/08/2011 08:01

What do you mean about BIL's having "no share in the house whatsoever", after you said it was both of theirs?

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