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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to want to get a word in??

73 replies

CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 15:56

Friendship/conversation is a two way thing, right?

So what is it with people who CONSTANTLY interrupt/butt in/talk over you?

A friend of mine. Nice enough woman. Heart in the right place and all that. But I recently spent a day with her and jeeezus - I wanted to kill her by the end.

Whenever I start a sentence, I get about 4 words in and she's off. Either she's reminded of something similar that happened to HER, or one of her family, and she goes on and on and on and on.

Even if she's actually ASKED me a question, she won't let me answer.

EG:

Her: So, did you buy that bike in the end?

Me: Yes, the one we ordered online wasn't any good so we sent it ba.........

Her: Oh, my cousin ordered one online and [blah blah blah blah for a good 5 minutes]

Me (after waiting patiently for her to finish): ... oh, really? Yes, well anyway, it was all scratched and....

Her: Did I tell you about that car we went to look at the other week? Blah blah blah blah blah [goes on at length again].

It is CONSTANT.

The thing is, I'm not sure why she bothers meeting up; she clearly isn't the slightest bit interested in me or what I've been doing or what I have to say. I suspect that what she wants is an audience, not a two way conversation. But I think she'd be devastated if I cooled contact; I think she's lonely. But then I suspect the reason she doesn't have many friends is because they're sick of being expected to sit and listen to her without being allowed to join in!

So - what can I say? It has got to the stage where I'm struggling to keep smiling, so I am going to have to say something

But I don't want to hurt her feelings :(

I'm especially interested to hear from those of you who are butter-inners/interruptors - why do you do it, do you realise how rude it is, and what could a friend say to you to shut you up without upsetting you too much?

Honestly, I've asked about this before (not on here though I don't think) but it's now beyond a joke. It really IS crunch time. I can't stand it any more.

OP posts:
Bulmers · 12/08/2011 15:57

Turn away and feign interest in something else when she butts in then when she tails off turn around and say. "Oh are you finished now?"

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2011 15:58

Have you tried the pointed "as I was saying..." and "if you'll just let me finish..."

natandjacob · 12/08/2011 16:00

im a self confessed butter inner and the only way to get me to stop is as simple as saying "stop f*cking butting in!"
dont think im as bad as your friend though, she sounds rather over the top

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:02

Sort of, SPB.

I've taken to not taking too much interest in what she butts in with, and just sort of gazing at her levelly until she stops, then saying briskly "Anyway.....!" and carrying on, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

I need a totally non-confrontational (even "If you'd just let me finish" would be a tad harsh for softy me) thing to say....

OP posts:
EuphemiaMcGonagall · 12/08/2011 16:02

I just keep on talking, more and more loudly!

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:04

Do you not notice you're doing it then, natandjacob?

Because if anyone ever had to tell me to "stop fucking butting in", I'd be MORTIFIED and never, ever do it again.

Is it that what your friends are talking about bores you?
Do you think that what you have to say is more important?
Are you worried you'll forget what you wanted to say, if you wait for the other person to finish?

It genuinely fascinates me how/why people do this. It's SOOOOOO rude and insulting!

OP posts:
Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:05

Tried that, Euphemia. She just got louder until it was farcical - we were both bellowing at each other at the same time, about two different subjects. I had to back down. I just couldn't carry it on Hmm

OP posts:
natandjacob · 12/08/2011 16:06

i have a "friend" who actually sounds exactly like your friend, we've had numerous talks with her about the way she is wanting every conversation to be about her and talking over everyone else with stories about herself but she doesnt seem able to take it in for more than a week.

i think thats just what some people are like and there's not much you can do to stop them. i know its hard but sometimes it is worth being a bit confrontational. you could just say it in a jokey way that she never shuts up, maybe she'll get the hint after a while

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2011 16:07

you could have a talking stick, or whatever they are called :o

natandjacob · 12/08/2011 16:08

calamity i have no idea im doing it most of the time! something just pops in my head and i say it out loud regardless of whether someone is speaking. i know its rude but thats why i dont mind people telling me to shut up cos i know i deserve it. like i said though, im not as bad as your friend...honest!

cheesesarnie · 12/08/2011 16:09

start singing/humming the national anthem very loudly.then carry on talking from where she interupted you.gets them every time.hmm hmmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmm

cheesesarnie · 12/08/2011 16:10

oh or put your hand up when you want to talk,if she interupts say my hand is up so im talking now.

stealth-i need a talking stick for my childrenGrin

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:10

I've actually got another friend who is the same, only not so bad. In fact I used to grumble when SHE did it, but now I see the friend in the OP more regularly, Other Friend seems positively mute.

I did consider maybe mentioning friend B to friend A (the one in the OP), sort of like "Oh, I saw Friend B the other day - god she never lets you get a word in edgeways! You start a sentence and she butts in! It's like she isn't interested in what you've got to say AT ALL! I'll have to get you two together one day! That would be funny - you'd both be yelling at each other and talking over each other! Haha!"

OP posts:
LineRunner · 12/08/2011 16:11

It could be, counter-intuitively, caused by a lack of self-confidence.

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:11

Oh that's a good idea cheesesarnie!! I like that! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:13

LineRunner I suspect you might be right, which is partly why I'm dreading mentioning it, because I don't want to upset her!

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/08/2011 16:18

I do it a bit! Not really butting in but I talk too much and talk about similar things that have happened to me. I do notice when I've butted in though and always say "sorry go on you were saying". The weird thing is that I know loads of people who do that so maybe it is survival!

My dad does it LOADS but he is unaware he is doing it.

Fooffy · 12/08/2011 16:21

Well, you could try the idea you mentioned but let's face it I think it's highly likely you will get as far as "Oh, I saw friend..." and she'll butt in Grin

Sorry, not constructive.

Chandon · 12/08/2011 16:22

Hi OP,

I sometimes do this, but I am aware of it and try to stop it.

I have a sort of birdbrain, and if I don't say the thought when I think it, it will go and be gone. If I let the other person finish, my response will have already left my brain.

I am interested in other people though, but my thoughts are like bubbles, up up out and away. poof. Saying it (ie butting in) stops me from losing my train of thought.

That's the best I can explain it.

Now, what were you saying again? Wink

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:22

See, I think we ALL do it a bit.

I know I do.

For example a friend will be saying something and it will remind me of something I meant to tell her, so I'll go "Ooooh - sorry, that's just reminded me I saw X in town, I'll tell you about it in a minute - sorry, go on, what were you saying?"

That's different. That doesn't annoy me at ALL if it's done to me.

It's absolutely not the same as the constant, oblivious rudeness in the OP though.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:23

LOL Fooffy you obviously know her too! Grin

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/08/2011 16:24

I'm really laughing at you introducing friend A to friend B Grin

I know people like this too, luckily I'm not much of a talker so it's a relief to leave them to it sometimes Grin

It does get irritating when one of them yawns/turns away/starts talking to someone else when I'm saying something to them, if they do, I just stop talking and go off to do somethng else. It is pissing me off though now I've noticed them doing it.

Choconellie · 12/08/2011 16:26

Perhaps she doesn't have a lot of adult company / conversation and feels she has to 'fit' as much in as possible when she meets up with you

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:28

I think that's also a good point, Choconellie.

The fact remains though that if she keeps it up, she's going to see even less of me, because I'm going to end up getting angry and not wanting to see her at all.

OP posts:
IggyPup · 12/08/2011 16:31

Oh I've got one of those friends.

She has a cartload of good points but has an under developed ability to listen. I suspect she may have a form of attention deficit thingy. I take a deep breath and stop talking when she interrupts. If I do manage to get a few words in she tries to finish my sentences.

I have considered punching her lights out but I fear this may affect our friendship. She even volunteers what she thinks my opinion is to what her idea of a discussions is. Her idea of a discussion is my idea of a monologue.

Fuck it, I will give her a punch in her gob. If I catch her and she gets a smack, I'll let you know if it stops her interrupting

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