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AIBU?

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Original poster

... to want to get a word in??

73 replies

CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 15:56

Friendship/conversation is a two way thing, right?

So what is it with people who CONSTANTLY interrupt/butt in/talk over you?

A friend of mine. Nice enough woman. Heart in the right place and all that. But I recently spent a day with her and jeeezus - I wanted to kill her by the end.

Whenever I start a sentence, I get about 4 words in and she's off. Either she's reminded of something similar that happened to HER, or one of her family, and she goes on and on and on and on.

Even if she's actually ASKED me a question, she won't let me answer.

EG:

Her: So, did you buy that bike in the end?

Me: Yes, the one we ordered online wasn't any good so we sent it ba.........

Her: Oh, my cousin ordered one online and [blah blah blah blah for a good 5 minutes]

Me (after waiting patiently for her to finish): ... oh, really? Yes, well anyway, it was all scratched and....

Her: Did I tell you about that car we went to look at the other week? Blah blah blah blah blah [goes on at length again].

It is CONSTANT.

The thing is, I'm not sure why she bothers meeting up; she clearly isn't the slightest bit interested in me or what I've been doing or what I have to say. I suspect that what she wants is an audience, not a two way conversation. But I think she'd be devastated if I cooled contact; I think she's lonely. But then I suspect the reason she doesn't have many friends is because they're sick of being expected to sit and listen to her without being allowed to join in!

So - what can I say? It has got to the stage where I'm struggling to keep smiling, so I am going to have to say something

But I don't want to hurt her feelings :(

I'm especially interested to hear from those of you who are butter-inners/interruptors - why do you do it, do you realise how rude it is, and what could a friend say to you to shut you up without upsetting you too much?

Honestly, I've asked about this before (not on here though I don't think) but it's now beyond a joke. It really IS crunch time. I can't stand it any more.

OP posts:
Quenelle · 12/08/2011 16:32

I know when I've done it but can't always help myself. I think I get overexcited.

Pendeen · 12/08/2011 16:32

Your thread has struck a chord with me. I spent most of this morning listening to a self-obsessed property developer wittering on, giving me the benefit of his opinions on politics and the riots and the state of the economy and so on

Every so often he would pause, ask me a question related to the project and then interrupt after a few seconds. My blood really began to bubble when he started lecturing me on good design (talking asbolute rubbish). I'm supposed to be the bloody Architect, not him!

But he is a client not a friend so I was in a difficult position.

I really think, OP, that if it is "crunch time" then there is no easy way round the problem - you just have to be brave and tell her she is being inconsiderate.

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:33

Nail on the head.

See, I refuse to believe that they don't realise they're doing it. This is what pisses me off most. Therefore, they are not interested in what you've got to say. Insulting, yes?

OP posts:
Claw3 · 12/08/2011 16:36

You say you think she is lonely, perhaps she wants you to feel you have lots in common and lots to talk about, hence the she has already been there, done that and why she talks constantly.

Only advice is dont pause when you are talking or carry on talking loudly over the top of her when she interrupts Grin

or simply say 'can i finish' if she is driving you that mad.

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:37

Claw I tried that - she just kept getting louder and I had to back down Grin

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 12/08/2011 16:40

I have a friend like this as well and I just can't understand why she's never got the hint. Natandjacob is it really that hard to read the social runes? I mean, surely if someone is still speaking then its self-evident that you wait for them to finish? I don't really understand how one can not be aware of it?

Choconellie · 12/08/2011 16:40

Doesn't sound like you're getting much from this friendship. If it were me I'd cool it off for a while, rather than confront her.

Claw3 · 12/08/2011 16:45

Perhaps you could buy her one of those S&M ball gags, do you think she might take the hint? Second thoughts, she might take the wrong hint Grin

Just tell her straight if you are feeling brave, how it makes you feel ie she isnt interested in anything you have to say. If you value her friendship you have nothing to lose, as you would just start to avoid her anyway if she continues?

I think if i was becoming a pain in the arse, i would appreciate it if a friend told me, in a nice way of course, wouldnt you?

Pandemoniaa · 12/08/2011 16:50

I've got a friend like this. She is the world expert on any topic. I've learnt, over the years, that people like this don't respond to the normal signals and as a result, you are wasting your time with the sort of reasoned, polite requests to get a word in yourself. Nowadays I just ask her to please, shut the fuck up for a moment! She doesn't seem at all insulted. But then actually, for the sake of my own sanity, I've significantly reduced the amount of time with her.

As you say, OP, you will also probably end up seeing less of your friend because anger is fairly incompatible with friendship.

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 16:52

jeckadeck - that's exactly how I feel; how can any functioning adult NOT know that it is rude to butt in when someone is talking? Especially doing it a lot? Hmm

Choconellie - difficult one. I do like her, and care about her enough to not want to hurt her feelings by cooling off too obviously.

Claw - yes, I would.

OP posts:
Claw3 · 12/08/2011 16:58

So what are you going to do, have a word with her or avoid her?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 12/08/2011 17:04

I think my dad who does this has ADD as he can't pay attention to what anyone else is saying for longer then a few seconds so just starts speaking.

I do it when I haven't seen other adults for a while and am going loopy.

Original poster
CalamityKate · 12/08/2011 17:10

Claw I might try the hand up in the air move... I'm thinking that, when she interrupts, I'll put my hand up in a tentative and humourous way, and when she asks "Why have you put your hand up?" I'll go "Can I finish please?" with a smile.

That might be enough, but if it doesn't work I'll move up a gear and just tell her.

OP posts:
PenguinPatter · 12/08/2011 17:14

I'm not usually a talker and have very good listening skills but have occasionally caught myself doing this - like WhoseGotMyEyebrows it when I've been without adult company for a while and I seem to get desperate to talk.

I've always realised and been mortified afterwards.

I've had a 'friend' who did this - or worse any topic was turned round to be about her. It was a relief when she went back to work and drop me like something unpleasant as I was no longer needed - in that case it was more about her needs than friendship.

Spamspamspam · 12/08/2011 17:14

My husband does this to me all the time and usually about something I wasn't even talking about, what really infuriates me is that he has asked me to tell him something in the first bloody place. It goes something like this:-

Him: Hi how was your night out

Me: Great thanks

Him: Any gossip

Me: Not especially

Him: Ahh come on there must have been something

Me: Okay well you know A? She was telling us all that a friend of her's went on holiday to cyprus and loved it so was going to book a really big villa that....

Him: Did you get milk at the shops today only daughter needs some for her breakfast in the morning.

I used to answer his question and then carry on but he would constantly do it so then I tried answering his question and not continuing, he would say go on tell me the story and I would refuse, but eventually he weedled it out of me. For the last year or so I just keep talking quite loudly until I have finished and complete ignore the question he has asked. He looked really puzzled for ages but I think he is getting the hint because I haven't had to do it for a while. Oh and I never get to the end of my story and ask him to repeat his question....never...he has to ask again Grin

Claw3 · 12/08/2011 17:14

Good for you, glad you decided to do something other than just avoid her. If she doesnt have many friends because of behaviour, perhaps no one has pointed it out to her before.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 12/08/2011 17:22

If she still doesn't get it, you could try DH's tactic with people who interrupt: "No, this is the part where I talk, and you listen." Said quite angrily. Grin

Andrewofgg · 12/08/2011 17:56

MIL had a friend like that, now dead; FIL had to go out into the garden or for a walk when she visited because it was so awful. MIL explained that she put up with it because "she had no other friends" - and she deserved none.

Chipsycheese · 12/08/2011 19:38

I had a friend who was like that, she was a lovely girl but the bla bla bla was annoying. It used to drive us all mad.
She would constantly interrupt and talk over people. Always about herself. She would never ask about us. She seemed like she didn't give a shit about us or what was going on with anyone else and never seemed like she was listening.
We once went out for the night with her, her husband and quite a few other people.
When she was getting us a drink her husband mentioned how much she loved us and how she always told him what good friends we were and how she would love telling him all about us and what was going on with us. She must have listened to everything we said after all.

Needless to say we all felt like cows.
When we got to know her better we realised she was actually quite an insecure person.

chipmonkey · 12/08/2011 19:49

I used to do this but after I was pulled up on it by a college friend, I managed to stop myself. I think it's because my family has a lot of ADD/ASD traits because my Mum and sister still do it. My sis doesn't talk about herself, as such, just whatever has just popped into her head!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 12/08/2011 19:52

Have you tried the very simple "I really hate it when you interrupt me when I am speaking. It makes me feel you aren't interested in what I am saying."

She's your friend. If you can't be honest with your 'friend' - can you really call her that?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 12/08/2011 19:54

Oh, and I am a terrible interrupter btw. I am very aware of it and when I notice I have done it, I always apologise and ask the other person to please continue.

skinnymuffin · 12/08/2011 20:10

Hi, my name is skinnymuffin and I am an interrupter.

I don't always realise I'm doing it, I know it's worse if I've had wine though. It also takes me ages to tell as story, drives my dh mad, to the point that he will tell me to hurry up (even in front of friends, which I hate but probably deserve...)

I actually would really like a talking stick, I'm sure it would help me... and maybe an egg timer :o

Sorry for interrupting. As you were.

Schulte · 12/08/2011 20:24

I am an interrupter too. You see, sometimes I get so excited about what I want to say that I just can't stop myself. Sorry Sad

nomdeploom · 12/08/2011 20:27

I am a terrible interrupter. Like chipsy's friend, I do hear what everyone has said tho and would agree it is most probaly insecurity, maybe 'trying too hard' coupled with a short attention span.

Maybe you could have a gentle word and let her know how it makes you feel? You wont necessarily upset her. I would say you would need to be honest as she isnt going to take the hints and in the long run she will be grateful.

Agree with skinny I would like a talking stick too Grin

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