... to want to get a word in??

[CalamityKate]

Friendship/conversation is a two way thing, right?

So what is it with people who CONSTANTLY interrupt/butt in/talk over you?

A friend of mine. Nice enough woman. Heart in the right place and all that. But I recently spent a day with her and jeeezus - I wanted to kill her by the end.

Whenever I start a sentence, I get about 4 words in and she's off. Either she's reminded of something similar that happened to HER, or one of her family, and she goes on and on and on and on.

Even if she's actually ASKED me a question, she won't let me answer.

EG:

Her: So, did you buy that bike in the end?

Me: Yes, the one we ordered online wasn't any good so we sent it ba.........

Her: Oh, my cousin ordered one online and [blah blah blah blah for a good 5 minutes]

Me (after waiting patiently for her to finish): ... oh, really? Yes, well anyway, it was all scratched and....

Her: Did I tell you about that car we went to look at the other week? Blah blah blah blah blah [goes on at length again].


It is CONSTANT.

The thing is, I'm not sure why she bothers meeting up; she clearly isn't the slightest bit interested in me or what I've been doing or what I have to say. I suspect that what she wants is an audience, not a two way conversation. But I think she'd be devastated if I cooled contact; I think she's lonely. But then I suspect the reason she doesn't have many friends is because they're sick of being expected to sit and listen to her without being allowed to join in!

So - what can I say? It has got to the stage where I'm struggling to keep smiling, so I am going to have to say something

But I don't want to hurt her feelings :(

I'm especially interested to hear from those of you who are butter-inners/interruptors - why do you do it, do you realise how rude it is, and what could a friend say to you to shut you up without upsetting you too much?

Honestly, I've asked about this before (not on here though I don't think) but it's now beyond a joke. It really IS crunch time. I can't stand it any more.

[Pandemoniaa]

I think all of you self-confessed interrupters are both brave and not really a problem anyway, tbh. It's the interrupters that are blissfully unaware or don't really care anyway that are awfully difficult to cope with!

[Schulte]

Ah yes, it's definitely a short attention span thing too. Since having the dcs, I haven't managed to listen to anything for longer than half a minute. Poor DH.

[skinnymuffin]

Oh God Schulte I do that too! I interrupt, I take ages to finish what I'm saying and I can't concentrate on anything anyone else says so consequently I don't bloody listen.

So, to summarise, I need:

1. A talking stick
   
2. An egg timer
   
3. Ritalin
   

Oh dear me

[oldraver]

My Mum does this, it drives me mental, especially as the news is invariably about some person I dont know.

I now tend to say "AS I was saying before you interrupted me, actually I sometimes add the end bit as well. I also with my Mum tend to interupt her interupting me by saying "I havn't finished yet" and carry on saying what I was. I do get an "oh sorry at that". She is getting better.

When I'm actually in her company, I have dont the feign disinterest, let there be a silenceat the end of her sentence(doesnt happen often) and just say "oh where you talking". She does know she does it as I will pull her up about it and wasnt surprised when I told her once, I was ignoring you like you ignore me.

I think for me its irritating all the more as she will waffle on for hours about people I dont know and what they have bought and ate, but listens to very little as to what is going on in mine and DS's life

[LolaRennt]

My mother does this. I talk over her. If the person looks a bit confused or says something, just say "oh I never stopped talking" and look confused as to why she is interupting you

[Pippaandpolly]

I had a friend like this - we had known each other for years (since we were 5!) and I always put up with it. I moved away and we didn't see each other often but whenever I went back home we met up and each time I got more and more annoyed about her total lack of interest in my life, but forgave it as just her being socially clumsy. I would mention it occasionally and she'd apologise, try for about 5 minutes and then slip straight back into a monologue.

When I saw her for the first time about 3 months after my wedding she talked almost non-stop for an hour about herself and didn't once ask how DH was, or how our honeymoon had been, or, in fact, anything about our lives. I haven't seen her since - I just couldn't bear to spend time anymore with someone who didn't care AT ALL about me. Part of me still misses her in a funny way - we went back a long way after all - but being friends with her was too stressful in the end as I always ended up so angry!

How good friends are you?

[YouDoTheMath]

We have a new addition to our friend group who is like this. It's odd as everyone else is the type who listens to others/waits their turn whilst someone else is talking, so it's hard to cope with this new person who talks ALL the time and seems to think she is the only one anyone else is addressing (i.e. she's always the first to launch in with her response when someone else has finished speaking). Sort of feels like she's taking over and, in my experience, when you're the newest member of something, you fit in with everyone else, not the other way around.

I find her a little easier to handle after a few drinks.

And fortunately, when SHE'S had a few drinks, she tends to fall asleep - wherever she is. :)

[TidyDancer]

I've had workmates like this. I am not particularly quiet, but I am polite and let people talk, whereas I always seem to get talked over. I'm going back after ML soon, and I'm hoping things have changed!

[superjobee]

i do this but only with ppl who let me away with it my mum i will shout over, my best mate has it from me and her OH the poor thing but he's much much worse than me and is an im always right until i google and wiki his arse haha then he shuts his mush type of guy. she lets me away with it tho she does sometimes tell me to shut the hell up because i can be really me me me i get it from the mother i shout over i have the poofy bubble brain like chandon if i dont say it it'll go but i really dont mean to be rude!!

other ppl i glaze over till i can talk i am incredibly rude but again only ppl who let me so if i were you i'd just say ''listen im talking now if you're not interested perhaps i should go?'' that usually shames me into behaving

[pleasenap]

I interrupt too. I do notice I do it, and I do chastise myself afterwards. And I apologise at the time if I realise at the time (sometimes don't immediately). I only really do it with people I don't know too well or if I feel a bit intimidated by - and counter-intuitively I'm trying to make a good impression! I do it because I'm on edge in new company, trying too hard for them to like me (obviously butting in and looking like its all about MEEE helps LOADS with that!) and I'm nervous so trying to think of something to say as as a child/young adult I was incredibly shy and would really struggle to make any sort of conversation with new people. I'm not too bad these days shy-wise, but am still left over with the blurt out lightbulb moment of 'OOOH, I have something relevant to say' in new company. I know its rude and I know I shouldn't do it but its just a work in progress. It really, really isn't because I'm not interested in what the other person has to say.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Possible devices to use:

Break her concentration. When she interrupts, do something like stand up or lean over and place your hand on her arm/shoulder/knee/whatever you can reach. When she falters (as she is almost bound to do), it gives you an opportunity to quietly and kindly say "I wish you wouldn't always interrupt me when I speak, it makes me feel as if you aren't interested in me at all".

Or, should she ask you a question, look her in the eye and respond "Why do you ask, when you never listen to my answers? It hurts my feelings."

The idea is to stop her in her tracks and give her the opportunity to think.

[Kayano]

I had a colleague like this! She manage to turn every single thing into a long rant about her kids and she always had a story to out do yours....

Example 1:
Me: I have so much ironing to.....
Her: You have so much ironing to do?! Think about me! Me with two kids! I have so much more ironing than you.... goes off on one

I used to call her stub toe because of the next one...
I had stunned my toe the night before with drunk, had actually snapped he nail, tore all the skin off the top and it was gushing blood. Dp has just popped a sock on me so that wa welded to my foot the next morning... It was horrific

Me: I really stunned my toe last night... I think it might be broke....
Her: You think you have it bad just stubbing your toe? My kid dropped his knife yesterday and nearly 'chopped me toe off!!!' *que going off on one about knives and forks! She couldn't give a crap about anyone else

Uh huh.... Whatever. Do kindly f off now.

[Pawsnclaws]

I love my mum to bits, but she doesn't pause for breath. If she's on the phone to me, I can literally be doing twenty other things and she won't notice because she's mid-flow. We might be on the phone for 20 minutes and I'll say maybe 20 words? I sometimes put her on silent and talk to DH, only contributing the occasional "mm yes"; she never notices because she's not listening.

I don't think it's rude I think it's insecurity. She worries that she is boring and tries to fill the least gap in any conversation by babbling on.

[CalamityKate]

She worries that she is boring and tries to fill the least gap in any conversation by babbling on.


That bit I can understand.

But with people who interrupt, there WASN'T a gap to fill - someone was already filling it!

Some great suggestions from people - thank you. And thank you to those of you who confess to being interrupters - it does shed some light on maybe why she does it.

chipsycheese I have often wondered whether she could actually name my children In fact, she does occasionally say things that suggest she DOES listen to the odd snippets I manage to cram into our "conversations", so I suspect she might actually listen more than it appears.

Pippaandpolly - that's almost an identical situation to mine and hers. Friends since we could toddle, then lost touch for a while. Then got back in contact, which is when I really noticed the interrupting thing. Lost touch again, for longer this time - partly because of life, partly because of the interrupting - and then got back in touch about a year ago.

As I've said upthread, she does seem lacking in friends and quite lonely and she's said a couple of times how pleased she is that we're back in touch. And she is actually really entertaining at times (unless she's going on and on and on and on about the business her and her husband own, down to the tiniest detail of which vehicle needed what doing to it, and what part had to be replaced, and where they got the part from in the end and how long it took and how much it cost blah blah blah blah........), but I am going to say something next time, because I figure it will upset her less to be honest with her, than it will if I just phase her out and leave her wondering why.

Thanks all xxx

[pjmama]

Your friend sounds just like my MIL. I've known her for a long time now though, so I just doggedly continue and finish my sentence despite her trying to talk over me! She's not getting any better though, I think she's a lost cause! Her own daughter just tells her "Mum, I wasn't finished stop talking over me!" I don't think she realises she's doing it, just one of those people who gets a thought and has to immediately vocalise it regardless.

Tis very annoying.

[Fiendishlie]

Yes, Calamity. If you stop seeing her, you've lost her as a friend. If you sit down with her and firmly tell her the problem, you may lose her as a friend. or she realises what she does and it improves. You have to be firm: hold your hand up if she butts in, and tell her that you have had enough.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

CalamityKate she's going on and on and on and on about the business her and her husband own, down to the tiniest detail of which vehicle needed what doing to it, and what part had to be replaced, and where they got the part from in the end and how long it took and how much it cost blah blah blah blah

That sounds like a friend of mine. She gives SOOOOO much information. That and some other things are starting to make me think she might have SN.

[TheSkiingGardener]

My MIL does this. You get a very quizzical look if you carry on talking.

I did once just carry on, first came the quizzical look, this then turned into darting sideways glances, which turned into her stamping her foot and saying "BUT I'M TALKING"

I laughed. Very hard.

Fortunately we get on well.

[Tchootnika]

3 words: "LET ME FINISH!"

[auroraday]

I think I might do this. It's because I'm so interested in what you're saying and think I share a common experience, I can't wait to get it out and show that I understand. It probably doesn't come across that way :( so I do try to restrain myself!

[Tchootnika]

I know I do it, for exactly the same reasons - also I know I can simultaneously talk and listen, as can some old friends... We happily 'talk over' each other - except we're not, IYSWIM: we're actually listening and talking, and get twice as much communicated in half the time. That's quite a special skill, and calls for special relationships, though.
When I lapse into this mode in other company, and am pulled up on what is really a very bad habit, I'm sufficiently mortified to make sure I don't talk over anyone for at least a few days.
Embarrased as I am, I'm actually grateful to people who'll tell me off when I talk over them.

[LadyInPink]

Mil does this when i am having a conversation with Fil or DH or anyone. Someone will start relaying some story or other and MIL will just start talking over.It confused me at first as i didn't know which of them to look at but now i just keep looking at the person who originally spoke and she kind of gets the hint. This obviously doesn't work when there's only you and your friend OP but keep in mind if you go out with a group and she does it.

Have another friend who always finishes off my sentences - DRIVES ME BLOODY MAD - and quite often she doesn't even get it right and looks a fool but i feel awkward saying "what are you doing". I think it's a habit and she does it to everyone but it's so bizzare. Has anyone ever experienced that?

[CalamityKate]

Ohhh....

She called round earlier with her DH. It's my birthday tomorrow and she'd brought me a present and card (I forgot hers - we were on holiday and I completely lost track of what day it was ). She also brought two bulging bin bags full of clothes for the DS's - she's got two boys older than mine and often passes on clothes. They are always high quality and spotless. They are often brand new with the tags still on.

She also gave me a brand new Karen Millen handbag that she was going to Ebay but then thought I might like it. Wouldn't take anything for it.

BTW can you tell I have no issue with accepting second hand stuff?? LOL...

Anyway, we were chatting and at one point she said to me "Ooh, tell (her DH) what you were telling me about the bike..." so it would appear she DOES listen...

I feel a bit bad for moaning now :(