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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big row with DH - feel I am being a bit U but wouldn't you be?

58 replies

TheGoddessBlossom · 08/08/2011 08:29

DS2's 5th birthday today. I have shopped for, bought and wrapped all presents, arranged party, party bags, invites, etc etc etc.

Which I don't mind doing.

DS2 obviously very excited, up at 6am, sent kindly back to bed for 30 mins until DS1 wakes up, then it's drinks with big bag of pressies to open. DH is grumpy, moody, snappy at DS1 who is sulking that DS2 has presents, as you would expect, I am trying to lift mood, DH refuses to get batteries for DS2's new toy, makes snidy comment about more noise in the morning from DS2's new cd player which he is chuffed to bits with...generally being a grumpy fuck.

Culminates in DH telling DS2 to stop shouting - he is excited for fuck's sake, it's his birthday. I say quiently, "come on DH, it's his birthday, he is allowed to shout and be excited on his birthday".

Cue rant from DH, "you are always undermining me in front of the kids, I never do that to you, I can't stand it"

Now I have to be fair, sometimes, when he is being grumpy, or I feel overly harsh with the boys, I do, I can't help it, I step in and try and diffuse, I know I shouldn't and at all other times fully support DH and we try and maintain a united front as I know it is important. But he can be SUCH a fucking grumpy arse, so bad tempered, can't he just make an effort on the boy's birthday to override not being a morning person, I can!

He then deliberately in a loud voice said "Yes DS1 you can play DS2's new DS game, yes I know Mummy said you couldn't but I am overriding her, and I give you permission - there you go DW, that's what you do to me all the time". I said that was premeditated and called it "vile".

He is livid, says I think I am never in the wrong, that I undermine him all the time and he is sick of it.

I think he is grumpy and ruins wonderful family occasions that are supposed to be special but refusing to make an effort and homing in on my supposed unsupportive behaviour to avoid admitting he is in the wrong.

Phew.

If you have read this far thankyou. Will now have a day of not speaking and step around each other at DS2's party this afternoon. Great. Sad

OP posts:
ledkr · 08/08/2011 08:32

Sorry but how old is he?He sounds more jealous than ds1.Tell him to fuck off whilst you all have anice day or just crack on and ignore him,but certainly dont step around him.Just give the kids a nice day,he is unimportant today.

SarahStratton · 08/08/2011 08:35

Kick him hard up the arse next time he turns round. Wanker.

UpsyDozy · 08/08/2011 08:35

Oh God I'm so sorry. He sounds like a right pain.
My DH can be like this, he isn't there half the time because he's working and then will come out with outrageous statements or punishments to 'assert his authority'. "Right DD, no more TV EVER in the morning!" Hmm

When I ask him just how exactly we are going to follow through on that he gives me much the same grief as you are getting from your DH!

I think at some point you two need to sit down and actually talk this through. Explain how you feel exactly as you have in this thread! Try to sit with a beer/glass of wine and do it calmly, if it starts getting loud/shouty then pull back and try again.

He does sound like a miserable git FWIW! Grin

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/08/2011 08:37

Well, YABU to undermine him in front of the DC. BUT, he sounds like he's being an arse for no reason. I'd be undermining my DH too if he was ruining my DS's birthday for the sake of it.

Rowgtfc72 · 08/08/2011 08:38

My dh is not a morning person either and we parent totally differently, He shouts and I reason. Sometimes I want to step in because I think hes being mean. I dont since he drove twenty miles home to shout at dd who was having a paddy and he heard it on the phone. He made me feel very small, so I can see how I would make him feel. I think sometimes you have to agree to disagree but I would be fuming in your position too ! Think you just have to make up and get through today and sort stuff when the kids arent around, thats what we do. Hope you all have a good birthday

corriefan · 08/08/2011 08:39

YANBU. Bit leave it for now, try your hardest to have fun on ds's special day and talk once he's chilled out. Is he just grumpy in the morning?

TheOriginalFAB · 08/08/2011 08:41

YANBU. If you said it quietly the boys wouldn#t have heard and your H is being a dick. JUst ignore him.

corriefan · 08/08/2011 08:42

FWIW I happily interfere when I think my dh is starting to shout too much, because I know it really makes ds react badly and it escalates. I've told him to say something to me too if Im losing my rag.

PenguinArmy · 08/08/2011 08:43

Rowgtfc72 Shock that sounds messed up (sorry)

OP your DH sounds like he's being an arse but until he calms down and appraises his behaviour it's hard to fully judge one way of the other (i.e. depends if he thinks he was wrong after the fact or not)

SheCutOffTheirTails · 08/08/2011 08:45

It isn't undermining him to remind him that it's one morning in the year when maybe a bit of noise is OK.

I can't vouch for how cheerful I would be opening presents at half six in the morning, but if DH told me I was being a grumpy wagon I wouldn't feel undermined.

Undermining is where you make the other parent look like a dick by overriding something reasonable they've asked. Your DH made himself look like a dick by behaving like one.

The idea that you should back him up when he's being a twat is vvvvv U.

How insecure and bossy is he that he needs everyone to get on board with his morning grumpiness, instead of getting the fuck over himself?

This is what I would say to him now (under my breath):

You need to cop the fuck on and stop your childish strop before you ruin a 5 year old's party. You were out of order this morning, and you're not justifying it by turning into a battle with me. If you want this ridiculous row, we'll have it. But not now.

If you can't be pleasant and enjoy the day, fuck off and don't hurry back.

Thumbwitch · 08/08/2011 08:47

Your poor DS2! what a shame your selfish arse of a DH couldn't put someone else first for one day. :(

I agree it is bad form to undermine each other, of course it is - but trying to persuade him to lighten up a bit for the boy's birthday isn't the same as directly countermanding a comment/request/command. Perhaps you should have taken him aside, but with 2 young boys and one being very excited, even the minute that might have taken could have resulted in unsupervised mayhem - so point that out to him.

Perhaps you could have a code word for "lighten up you cock, you're ruining everyone else's day", like they did in Meet the Fockers - they used "muskrat", I seem to remember, but perhaps you could use Pumba (the warthog who kills atmosphere stone dead Wink)

Original poster
TheGoddessBlossom · 08/08/2011 08:48

Thanks all. I appreciate your POV.

It does seem to be a bug bear of his (that i undermine him), and he uses it to mask the things that he is doing wrong. And I am far from perfect believe me and I am sure that he thinks I am hard on them too alot of the time, but he says he would never step in like I do.

I try to make him see that it's instinctive, I certainly don't do it to make him look stupid, i am trying to protect the boys and their memories of things and their experience of their birthday. Hopefully DS2 didn't hear us rowing (prob not over new cd player Grin)

Dh has work now, flounced out of the house without speaking to me, I am really cross as I KNOW I will have to try to make peace as he won't and round we will go again.

He is very good at forgetting ANYTHING he has said that caused me to snap back, ANYTHING that he has done that has made me say he was being vile.

He will calm down though and we will reach a truce eventually. Just wish we could be more together on things like this.

OP posts:
Ealingkate · 08/08/2011 08:49

Do you an agreed birthday ritual in your house?? Is it always a first thing in the morning thing?? Does he disagree with amount spent on birthday presents?? Maybe have a chat about the whole thing - yes he was being a grumpy arse, but he may have a different point of view on the above and feel like it's not important or valued by you.

Catsmamma · 08/08/2011 08:49

Send dh and ds1 off together...sulky jealous pair!

and have a good day without their miserable faces!

Thumbwitch · 08/08/2011 08:51

od, what a manchild he is!! having a childish tantrum over it all. Poor you, having to "suck it up" and make it up with him.
Try not doing so - see how long it takes for him to crack.

Whatmeworry · 08/08/2011 08:58

DH was BU to be a grumpy arse
DS1 was BU to be jealoues of DS2 birthday
You were BU to undermine him...

....sounds like any family across the land with small kids up early, get some breakfast and coffee and you'll all cheer up :)

msbuggywinkle · 08/08/2011 08:59

I happily 'undermine' DP if he is being a nob. He sometimes expects far more of them than is reasonable for their ages (5 and 2) and gets ratty when they can't do it. Sounds like your DH was expecting more of DS2 than he could manage given his age and that it is his birthday too.

Original poster
TheGoddessBlossom · 08/08/2011 09:03

Msbuggywinkle - he deffo expects too much. I think women are around more kids of the same age than men and just get what is normal. Then DH looks back on video when they were younger and says himself, gosh they were so little and I think think himself he was asking too much of them at that age. Doesn't stop him doing it now though!

Whatmeworry - agreed, all pretty normal I am sure, still annoying. Grin

Thumbwitch - think I will. thanks.

OP posts:
youarekidding · 08/08/2011 09:05

YANBU. You have admitted that sometimes you undermine him - expect we all do it unintentionally at times. BUT he deliberately ruined your DS special morning. I remember DS turning 5yo being a big deal to him, he is also Aug baby but birthday in a few weeks, because he was no longer 4yo and felt grown up like the other children at school.

As for the DS game, I'm all for sharing but DS should have a chance to play his game first, DS1 will have his birthday and I expect he'd want the attention on him for that.

Does it usually turn out DH taking DS1 side and you defending DS2?

Original poster
TheGoddessBlossom · 08/08/2011 09:10

youarekidding - not really - he was just using that as an example he could think of to undermine me in front of the children. Nice eh. i would never ever ever do that. Deliberately involving the kids to prove a point. I think it was nasty and vile and I told him so. Poor DS1's face he didn't know what to do! Didn't go for the game though to his credit. I think Dh is doing irreparable damage in these small incidents to his credibility with our children.

OP posts:
youarekidding · 08/08/2011 09:12

Bless DS2 for not taking the game. Sounds more mature than his father. Grin

springydaffs · 08/08/2011 09:16

Well, I for one so wish my mum had stood up to my totally unreasonable dad, in front of us, when we were children. He was a git and my mum used to say nothing. Completely messed up my head tbh.

What a shocking way to behave. But, as he is behaving like a toddler, you may need to programme him before the event, as one does with toddlers. I would guess you've had enough experience of this shocking behaviour to be able to predict when it may come up - therefore, prepare him re "In the morning, I expect you to behave like an adult join in the celebrations, not encourage DS1 to sulk and be as childish as you, but to encourage him to share and celebrate on DS2's special day". Etc

I would also ban the toddlers DH and DS1 to their bedrooms if they can't join in the celebrations. I mean it here! As for him bringing the spat out into the open by vindictively going for you in front of the kids - shocking and a disgrace. btw you say that DS1 sulking was fair enough - er, no! It is not fair enough imo.

msbuggywinkle · 08/08/2011 09:17

Blossom I agree, I think it is amplified if you are a SAHM as you're around the children so much more than they are. I still think it is ridiculous though!

Mitmoo · 08/08/2011 09:20

He's being a miserable git and spoiling his child's birthday. Plonker.

Original poster
TheGoddessBlossom · 08/08/2011 09:23

Springydaffs - I agree that I need to set the scene for DH in the way you suggest. He would have been surprised and a tad annoyed it i had done so last night but it would have avoided this morning's scene and would have been worth it.

DS1 is 6. I don't think you get born knowing to sit quietly being happy for others when they are opening mounds of presents and you have nothing. You have to be taught it and learn it. DS1 is still going through that process. I don't encourage the sulking I praise him when he collects the paper or offers to open the cards, but he is not allowed to sulk and if it gets to a point where he is whinging and reminders that his birthday is soon aren't working, he would be sent to him room. But being a bit sulky is natural and i am not going to bollock him for it unless it threatens to ruin DS2's day.

I am not a SAHM I work full time - but from home on some days allowing me to enjoy such special family days as these. Ahem. And I just think women see more other women with their kids - SAHM or not - don't they?

OP posts:
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