Big row with DH - feel I am being a bit U but wouldn't you be?

[TheGoddessBlossom]

DS2's 5th birthday today. I have shopped for, bought and wrapped all presents, arranged party, party bags, invites, etc etc etc.

Which I don't mind doing.

DS2 obviously very excited, up at 6am, sent kindly back to bed for 30 mins until DS1 wakes up, then it's drinks with big bag of pressies to open. DH is grumpy, moody, snappy at DS1 who is sulking that DS2 has presents, as you would expect, I am trying to lift mood, DH refuses to get batteries for DS2's new toy, makes snidy comment about more noise in the morning from DS2's new cd player which he is chuffed to bits with...generally being a grumpy fuck.

Culminates in DH telling DS2 to stop shouting - he is excited for fuck's sake, it's his birthday. I say quiently, "come on DH, it's his birthday, he is allowed to shout and be excited on his birthday".

Cue rant from DH, "you are always undermining me in front of the kids, I never do that to you, I can't stand it"

Now I have to be fair, sometimes, when he is being grumpy, or I feel overly harsh with the boys, I do, I can't help it, I step in and try and diffuse, I know I shouldn't and at all other times fully support DH and we try and maintain a united front as I know it is important. But he can be SUCH a fucking grumpy arse, so bad tempered, can't he just make an effort on the boy's birthday to override not being a morning person, I can!

He then deliberately in a loud voice said "Yes DS1 you can play DS2's new DS game, yes I know Mummy said you couldn't but I am overriding her, and I give you permission - there you go DW, that's what you do to me all the time". I said that was premeditated and called it "vile".

He is livid, says I think I am never in the wrong, that I undermine him all the time and he is sick of it.

I think he is grumpy and ruins wonderful family occasions that are supposed to be special but refusing to make an effort and homing in on my supposed unsupportive behaviour to avoid admitting he is in the wrong.

Phew.

If you have read this far thankyou. Will now have a day of not speaking and step around each other at DS2's party this afternoon. Great.

Look, I don't care how damaged people are - this, from a damaged person myself. If someone is 'damaged' they need boundaries tighter than usual to keep them/us on the straight and narrow.

Sorry to sound impatient - but re his half-cocked 'apologies': "It might not come in the words of a traditional sorry, but I will recognise it and accept it. He will then try and rescue some of his damaged pride .." kind of pissed me off. Why the morse code when it comes to an apology? Why do you 'recognise and accept' a crap half-apology (about which he has to salvage his pride by following it up with a bit of passive-aggressive 'banter')? If he took the trouble to make an almighty and disgraceful fuss, then he can take the trouble to make an almighty, crystal clear, apology. Otherwise the whole things go round and round, you have to keep an eye on him all. the. time. Plus your children have to make sense of double standards - one thing for him, another for them. And have their birthdays destroyed. Sorry to lay the boot in.

Plenty of us have been fucked up, it's not new, and he's not the only damaged person on the planet. He's got a wife and family for a start - many don't achieve that they're so fucked up. He's lucky he's got you - he could start with that.

Zero tolerance my dear.

Well I can´t see anything wrong with asking a child not to shout at 6.30 in the morning-even on their b/day tbh.

And if I was still tired, what you said would be like a red rag to a bull.

That said, there are times when you have to get over yourself for the sake of the children, aren´t there?

Springdaffs - (and by the way I am just grateful you are posting with your opinion, you can be as impatient as you like and I love your zero tolerance suggestion ) - because if I don't we stalemate. As as much as I can give as good as I get I hate rows and I know he doesn't mean to be such a cock, and I want to move on.

As it happens, it was a real apology, not a morse code one, and earlier than I expected: "I am sorry for being such a grouch, and I understand if you don't want me to come to DS2's party later, I don't want to ruin his day. I just didn't like your choice of words"

I agree damaged people need more not less boundaries - he does you are right, and in calmer moments admits it.

Thankyou so much for all your replies, you have really helped me today.

Takeaways:

Insist DH gets more involved with birthday planning and prep so i don't have underlying resentment that I didn't really know was there
Set scene night before that it's going to be a loud early one and just deal
Pull him up on grumpiness more so that he checks himself a bit

Thankyou for the birthday wishes and for whoever said I am a good mum, I am doing my level best!

xx

Would your DH be willing to go to counselling? From what you've said it does sound like he genuinely wants to change and recognises that he's not the father he wants to be. But recognising it and doing nothing about it isn't really going to help.

I totally disagree with united front parenting - if one of you is being an arsehole the other needs to step in for the sake of fairness. If you are both reasonable adults it will balance out well and noone will be undermined. If one of you is a twat then they will be.

I wish my DM had stepped in with my DF more, I really do. i will not tolerate DH overstepping the grumpy arse mark with DC. He is more damaged than anyone else I know but he is now an adult and can learn to deal or be upset - DC need protection more than him.

Way to go with the takeaways OP!

HOpe the day was splendid and his maj behaved himself and your boy had a brilliant time

no, I can't help it, got to say it... I loved your takeaways but I would just edit the 'a bit' bit. he needs less of the baby steps, more of the man strides. God bless im

Hope your day worked out in the end and your son had a good birthday :)

Thanks all - DS2 had a top birthday and DH has been contrite in the extreme - I think he even embrassed himself with actually getting the dictionary TO LOOK UP THE WORD!!!!