Big row with DH - feel I am being a bit U but wouldn't you be?

[TheGoddessBlossom]

DS2's 5th birthday today. I have shopped for, bought and wrapped all presents, arranged party, party bags, invites, etc etc etc.

Which I don't mind doing.

DS2 obviously very excited, up at 6am, sent kindly back to bed for 30 mins until DS1 wakes up, then it's drinks with big bag of pressies to open. DH is grumpy, moody, snappy at DS1 who is sulking that DS2 has presents, as you would expect, I am trying to lift mood, DH refuses to get batteries for DS2's new toy, makes snidy comment about more noise in the morning from DS2's new cd player which he is chuffed to bits with...generally being a grumpy fuck.

Culminates in DH telling DS2 to stop shouting - he is excited for fuck's sake, it's his birthday. I say quiently, "come on DH, it's his birthday, he is allowed to shout and be excited on his birthday".

Cue rant from DH, "you are always undermining me in front of the kids, I never do that to you, I can't stand it"

Now I have to be fair, sometimes, when he is being grumpy, or I feel overly harsh with the boys, I do, I can't help it, I step in and try and diffuse, I know I shouldn't and at all other times fully support DH and we try and maintain a united front as I know it is important. But he can be SUCH a fucking grumpy arse, so bad tempered, can't he just make an effort on the boy's birthday to override not being a morning person, I can!

He then deliberately in a loud voice said "Yes DS1 you can play DS2's new DS game, yes I know Mummy said you couldn't but I am overriding her, and I give you permission - there you go DW, that's what you do to me all the time". I said that was premeditated and called it "vile".

He is livid, says I think I am never in the wrong, that I undermine him all the time and he is sick of it.

I think he is grumpy and ruins wonderful family occasions that are supposed to be special but refusing to make an effort and homing in on my supposed unsupportive behaviour to avoid admitting he is in the wrong.

Phew.

If you have read this far thankyou. Will now have a day of not speaking and step around each other at DS2's party this afternoon. Great.

My husband gets stressy in the mornings. He has his routine and can't really deviate from it. That said, I don't try to.

I think there's a fine line between diffusing a situation and undermining; they look very alike. I agree that this is supposed to be a joyous occasion, celebrating your son's birthday and that your husband shouldn't be 'holding you to ransom or he'll spoil it'. Same goes for DS1 actually.

I think in your position, I'd have a word with DH tonight and tell him that however annoyed he is with you, he is not to spoil the birthday. You can say that although it appears that he has the upper hand now as you will do what it takes to ensure DS has a nice birthday, if he can't act in the best interests of his children, things will be very different in future (what that entails is up to you).

I'd also speak to DS1 and remind him that it's his brother's birthday. He will also have a birthday and the attention will be on him. Tell him that you expect him to be kind and let DS2 have attention today, to be his big brother and not act like a spoiled child. I think I've missed how old your sons are, OP? If they're both very young then maybe a bit of attention on both birthdays for both would be more suitable?

On the undermining issue... if you can say, hand on heart, that you wouldn't feel bad if your husband were to do the same as you do, on each instance, then fair enough. I wouldn't accept the instance that you gave about DS2's toy though, that brought DS2 into the equation and he didn't deserve to be there.

We can all be grumpy sometimes but I really think that if a parent does nothing except sap the joy and energy out of a child's occasion, they'd be better off getting out of it. Keep a stock of batteries at home and just tell DH that either he rises to the occasion or he removes himself from it. You both decided to have these children, it means that there are certain sacrifices and standards of behaviour.

Good luck for today, say what you mean and mean what you say - and think carefully about it beforehand so that it comes out just right.

Hope DS2 has a nice birthday.

I was just thinking as well that a 'birthday plan' might be in order for future. Everybody plans (with or without birthday person) what they will do/want to do on the day. That should hopefully bring hom to your DH that he has responsibilities too. I know you enjoy doing the 'niceties' OP, I do too, but do you think it might get DH in the mood a bit more were he to do some of those as well as any chores you need?

So DH has just come back from work and I tried to sort it out, and he now has a massive cob on that I used the word "vile" and did I know that is how peadophiles are described and went and looked it up in the dictionary. I am married to a psycho. Talk about diverting the argument away from him.

Are you married to my DH?

I have a similar problem, my DH is my 5th child and according to reliable friends my biggest problem when it comes to discipline, consistancy and family harmony.

Unfortunately my DS's have various combinations of ADHD/ASD. These are hereditary conditions usually carried down the male line. You can see where I am going with this...

I'm not suggesting that this is the case in your family but I understand how difficult an unreasonable parent can make things. My DH has a lot of good points and is largely devoted to our family but is very misguided about day to day things.

For example he will turn a blind eye to some outrageous behaviour/allow ridiculous things but then explode and come down like a ton of bricks on trivial stuff.

Having spent many years trying to work out what causes this inconsistancy I think it is his inability to think in the 2nd person i.e put himself in someone elses shoes (a very ASD thing and something he admits he can't do) and his sensory issues. This leads to situations where he allows a 10yr old to stay up until 1.30am playing xbox but will scream, shout and send a DC to their bedroom for laughing at the dinner table.

Last week I went out, when I came home he had sent DS age 4 to bed in disgrace because he had helped himself and eaten a whole box of chocolates. Sounds reasonable but when I probed further it seems that it had got to 7pm and DH had 'forgotten' to make any tea for DS. He struggled to make a connection between these two events!

Sometimes I understand and sympathise as to what makes him like this (after all it is the same difficulties that my DC have and I do everything I can to help them) but sometimes I just feel like he is a massive twat and should grow the fuck up.

I end up undermining him a lot, which he hates, but because he is such a child if I didn't the DC would be subject to a lot more inconsistant crap and poor role modelling.

Sorry for the ramble, I clearly feel quite strongly about this stuff! I don't have any helpful advice for the OP either other than do what you can to protect your DC from twatish adult behaviour- whatever the root cause.

ah yes, sorry I got so heated there OP . Just brought back memories of a totally unreasonable dad and my mum saying nothing but showing a 'united front' in front of us kids. She needed to protect us from him - and I think you are in a similar position. I feel very cross with your DH that he behaved so badly on your son's birthday - again, my stuff.

However, I can't help thinking that "pack it in you miserable git" wouldn't go amiss in a situation like that. Yes, in front of the children - they need to know what reality is. ie tell him off. The kids are told off when they're naughty, perhaps they could do with knowing that parents can be naughty too: "Naughty daddy". You could cajole him, make a joke of it: "Daddy gets jealous when it isn't his birthday - how silly". As you say, he is undermining himself in front of your kids all on his own, you may as well call it what it is.

I happen to be blessed with a son who always adored his siblings birthdays (wow!!). But the others weren't quite so sanguine, to put it mildly. I'm so glad to hear you don't pander to DS1's jealousy about his brother's birthday. I hope the day pans out better than the start of it OP!

Your dh is being a dick. Talk about acting like a toddler.

He needs pulling up on this, seriously.

Tell him from me - he was vile. NOt a paedophile, just vile. Don;t let him put you off your stroke OP. Literally ignore when he goes off on a tangent, bring it straight back to the point, don't even acknowledge his diversion.

getting a bit prescriptive here - sorry

He sounds a bit like a dickhead to be honest. It's his son's birthday - doesn't he realise that he's being very unfair on him.

Never mind the fact he's being a twat to you as well.

Hope your little man has a lovely day and I hope his dad grows up a bit and apologises.

Is he always this unpleasant and unreasonable? He sounds like hard work and like you have a third child to deal with- bit like my XP which is one of the reasons why he is my XP.

YANBU, you sound like a really good mum- firm and fair.

Sadly my DH does a lot of this at the moment. He is away a lot, and when he is here he does the 'exerting his authority' thing. However, I will NEVER let him act unfairly towards the DSs. If he goes overboard, I will pull him up on it. If parents are acting like twats then their children have the right to have others pull them up on it, and to see it too. Unified front, my ass!

It does cause a lot of tensions, but if he can't deal with it, then that's his problem. I won't let him bully them (because effectively that's what it becomes, sometimes) and I don't care how upset that makes him, the DSs deserve that from me.

We are trying to work it out, but TBH if it was a choice between letting the marriage fail or allowing him to bully the DSs, then he can bloody well leave.

oh good grief. Talk about escaping any level of responsibility. You are married to a teenager, so sorry. :(

Dh is a mardy arse too. It makes me so cross.

I have called him on it numerous times but he always comes up with a reason for this particular occasion, and then tells me off for undermining him and being too soft on the kids. Part of the problem with miserable people is that you avoid tackling them because they are always in such a bad mood.

I have just stopped taking ADs and after a few months of hell I am starting to come out of it and feel normal. I have realised that part of the reason for my depression was him and his fucking miserable gitness! I always had to the the family jester to make up for him being the misery! And it took it's toll. I told him (very calmly) at the weekend that we had all noticed that he saved his jolly, good old boy personality for the pub and his mates, and the miserable sour-faced one for home. he said 'you might be right'

Let me know if you find a solution - other than divorce - please.

He was being vile, A big vile toddler.
aagree with springydaffs..
Stick to your guns and don't allow him to cntrol the mood of the rest of your sons day.

OP I do not think yabu.

I don't get this present a united front at all costs things.

I totally agree with springdaffs.

Why should someone be allowed to be a grumpy, unreasonable twat and spoil a childs birthday just because he happens to be the other parent? I wouldn't want my kids growing up lumping me in with that kind of thing and mark my words it will be remembered by the OP's ds, just because I sat there like a lemon and didn't say anything for the sake of not "undermining" a petulant adult. Kids need to know that someone will say something if they are being frightened or upset. Its your job as their parent and that doesn't change because the one doing it is the OTHER parent. Obviously in most cases its best not to do it front of the kids but sometimes it cant be avoided.

I think you did the right thing OP and I think your DH sounds like a big sulky baby. If his grumpiness is affecting your family life as much as it seems to be from what you say in your posts then it sounds bloody miserable to me and he needs telling.

Men who are shits to their family and not to those outside of it are abusing them - FACT!

There I said the big "A" word! .

And I am proud to say that if DH tried to do that with one of my children - deliberately undermine me - they would stare at him in disgust and walk away. That is one advantage of being the 'happy' parent - they love me a hell of a lot more (and yes I do know that).

Video the scene next time he behaves like this. When you play back your video of a 'happy family occasion', without comment, maybe he will see himself as you see him.

akaemmafrost... I agree with you, my dad was like this. Miserable and disruptive at home and sweetness and light and such an understanding person to anybody outside the home.... who didn't know him. Once they did, he stayed away from them. It is abuse.

So sorry you have to put up with this sort of immature, selfish shite from your partner. You already have two DSs, and he seems to want to be your third!

Am laughing (in a not particularly nice way) at him thinking the word 'vile' is exclusively used to describe paedophiles. Fool. And out of a large pool of words you could use to describe his behaviour, I'd have thought Vile was one of the milder ones...

OMG don't know wher eto start responding. Thankyou.

Vile - I use it quite alot - "That shirt/soup/colour is vile" - I told him in this context it meant mean and spiteful; which it was. He said it was the equivalent of him calling me a cunt. I disagreed - one is a swear word, a vile one at that, ha ha, and the other is not.

I agree that a united front at all costs is ridiculous. I have said this morning I do not mean to undermine him or his relationship with the boys, but where I do it it is instinctive and designed to protect my children from his bad temper and I would do it again. And probably will. He said that he will do it to me then, when he feels I am being too harsh, and I suppose I have no retort to that other than to feel that him biding his time and waiting for a tit for tat opportunity is hardly the same thing as me spontaneously trying to diffuse a situation.

I think there are several problems here, a few I can only say because I don't know you all:

DH is a quite a damaged person, and very sensitive. He over thinks things, massively overreacts often, and quite regularly goes off on the complete wrong tangent in situations like these. Is very easily offended, sees imagined slights, get very bothered about things that I don't even notice.

He desparately wants to be a great dad, and is starting to do better having been lost in the baby years a bit. But as someone has said on here, I am the parent the boys come to, I spend the most time, I make the most effort and I am loved the most by my boys. I just am. I'm not happy about that particularly it's just the facts. But they are still small and there is still lots of time for DH to come into his own.

DH will stew on this all day, eventually come full circle, will inwardly admit that I am 85% in the right and will offer a stumbling apology. It might not come in the words of a traditional sorry, but I will recognise it and accept it. He will then try and rescue some of his damaged pride by referring back to the "vile" I expect in a "jokey" way and that will be that. Till the next time.

DH is hard working, can be very thoughtful when he chooses to be and gets that parenting is a shared activity (most of the time). The only thin we ever row about is parenting approaches, and we have been together a very long time and know each other well. But I am a mum, and they are my priority and I will do anything to protect them, even from their Dad and that's just that. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic.

I agree with akaemmafrost, I don't see why we should always put up a united front.

My dp is usually fine but has his moments and can't see how it's him who is causing the rows and bad attitudes. If my 10 year needs pulling up on something he finds it hard to start off by simply telling him what's expected, then being a bit firmer. He has a tendency to launch into a tirade of "why is it always you", "why don't you ever listen to me", "why can't you ...". He finds it hard to stick to the actual issue and not start up personal attacks. It's usually teamed with a ridiculous aggressive face, similar to a cartoon.Then he wonders why the 10 year old does have a bad attitude with him and gets defensive the with him and doesn't talk nicely ??!! Then dp goes "calm calm CALM CAARLM calm" without taking a breath, I think you should say calm in a calm manner, works better that way

DP also thinks that's it's amusing to TAlK VERY SLOOWLY AND LOUDLY if he is required to repeat himself. Then is can't fathom why already wound up 10 year old cries that he's not stupid!!

DP is slowly getting better, I'm fed up of telling him in private, I don't think he realizes what he's doing, but I have no problems telling him to stop it, or to behave himself in front of the kids. I've said to him that if he someone spoke to him like that at work he'd probably deck them! That seemed to sink in bit, especially when 10 year old pipes up "thank you!". I am not going to sit there in a restaurant whilst dp starts some stupid loud argument, for the sake of unity.

Your dp was being vile and childish. One day a year he can't get out of bed to get some batteries? Next year suggest he gets all the toys ready the night before, then wrap then.

Can't top anything that hasn't already been said here, but particularly agree with akaemmafrost on the "not necessarily having to present a united front at all times." And if your DH can't see the difference between you trying to diffuse a tense situation on your son's birthday and him deliberately (and spitefully) telling one son the opposite of what you'd just said then he's a twat. Sorry.

Happy birthday to your DS! It's my son's birthday today as well, and DD's tomorrow. Busy days.

doesn't supernanny say that its pointless telling off a child when they are in the middle of a paddy, maybe try this technique with your child, oops I mean husband?

I don't think either of you covered yourself in glory tbh

But he is now compounding it by being a total arsehole aboout it. Especially his reaction to the word vile FFS! Perhaps you should have called him grumpy arsehole - then at least you would have had the satisfaction of calling it like it is when he subsequently sulks