To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

[Piggyleroux]

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP-what was the point of you going if baby was going to wake as usual as surely they would still have heard this?

Why is she in a seperate room?

Is it so that husband can get his sleep?

If so, surely they might as well try her in their room as she may settle better & he may get more sleep.

I would be very grateful if you were my SIL!

Additionally, all the Official Bumpf you get as a new mum (in this area anyway) absolutely scares you witless about co-sleeping - had I known more about it I may have tried it with DS, but as it was I spent hours and hours rigidly sitting bolt upright on the end of the bed petrified to fall asleep with baby in arms - to the point where I had nightmares and would wake up stripping the bed clothes off to try and find DS because I was convinced I'd fallen asleep with him.

If she's got the same material and message from HCP's then she was perhaps understandably freaked?

Yes I agree Eviltwins.

Wilson, it's not the same.

Feeding and sleeping, well, similar but not the same. As I said you can create an irreversible situation with formula and a breastfed baby.

Not so with sleep - most sleep training programs don't even start till 6 months or a year.

I think the thing we need to understand is what exactly the SIL were expecting to happen. They seemed to expect someone else to give up an entire night's sleep to promote whatever system they have in place (and are not succeeding with)

that in itself needs a bit of boundary establishing
why on earth did it seem a reasonable idea?

They clearly didn't expect their child to sleep through, so knew OP would be awake all night if she did it their way

OP didn't think it through and agreed to it probably thinking 'well that baby will sleep if I do it the way I know' or something

it was unfair of them and it was thoughtless of her

so no one is to blame. However I suspect it will be very difficult to get past for all parties. I remember going round t see next doors new puppy when I was about 11, I had never held a puppy, I dropped it when it wriggled, like a cat - only it wasn't a cat.

It was fine but the shock on the kids' faces was palpable.
We never got over it. It was their puppy and I'd dropped it.

OP-I wouldn´t apologise-they asked you to give them a break from another sleepless night-you did.

I think you did a really nice thing for them. And ergo, that she was being ungrateful.

I don't understand how a new mother managed to not hear her baby cry during the night - did she wear earplugs or what?

I also agree with whoever said she was being unreasonable for not trying to breastfeed a lactose-intolerant baby. Okay, so I am pro-breastfeeding (not that I've done it yet), but I think if someone said to me your baby is lactose-intolerant and losing weight, I would at least have tried it.

I co-slept with all of mine. Have been co-sleeping for years now. However, with a very young baby, I don't think I'd be happy with anybody else co-sleeping since as a mother, nobody else would wake up to my DC like me. You are also a co-sleeper so it may be a little different, but nonetheless I can understand their upset.
Your intentions, as good as they were, were not welcomed and you need to respect that.

You did what you thought was right in the circumstance. And you did it from the kindness of your heart.
But it wasn't right for the Parents'.
Agree to differ in your parenting.
The older I get, the more I realise that there is no right or wrong way.
Don't make an arguement. Swallow your pride; life's too short.

FWIW sleep-training a 6 week old baby I think is very, very cruel. and utterly pointless.

You are right that the baby probably just needed warmth and comfort, but there's not an awful lot you can do about it

I didn't intend to co sleep, the baby screamed every time I tried to put her in the cot. Bil and sil said that they haven't had more than 2 hours of unbroken sleep in 6 weeks. The reason is that the baby needs to be near another human being to feel secure and sleep.

Walking every 2 hours isn't uncommon for such young babies though really is it? Also I agree it is odd that baby has its own room against every guideline going but is weird about co-sleeping. I would never co-sleep bcause I feel its dangerous but dd at 6.5 months still sleeps right next to me in her cot as she has since day 1.

Lying what is wrong with the co-sleeping term.

If you sleep with your child in the bed, it's co-sleeping.

Co- as a prefix means together.

It is correct to call it co-sleeping.

"But it wasn't right for the Parents'."

They asked OP to help so that they could sleep-they did!

How would this have happened without baby sleeping is what I would like to know?

Don't think you should apologise for 'helping them'. If you feel sorry has to be said I would just say "sorry that they were so upset and that clearly was not your intention".
You did do them a massive favour and hopefully they will realise that soon.
Good luck with 'family relations' and DON'T blame yourself for SIL's tired over reaction to your kindness.

Maybe remind your sil that babies, children and mothers have slept in the same room (often many children in the same room) since the begining and for the most part everyone seems to have been able to cut the cord. A 6 week old doesn't need to be independant

Annieversaire I disagree that it isn't the same... however I actually popped back to say OP, while I don't agree with your actions you are clearly a great parent and want to be a support to your SIL. Please tread carefully when you phone to smoothe things over - some people have suggested you should try and talk to your SIL about co-sleeping - but I think you have to mend some bridges first. If you steam in continue to put your point across she may well tell you to eff off - due to sleep deprivation and stress - and you could lose your chance to influence the situation positively.

I agree with 2Boys -I would not apologise.

The thin that strikes me is that while I wouldn't be too happy with someone who disregarded (intentionally - not by mistake) my parenting methods, I also wouldn't be too happy to have over my tiny baby to someone else for the night.

My system, my methods, my child...my responsibility when it won't fcking sleep. I'd want to be there.

I can't see why they felt so strongly about it but not strongly enough to be in reach of their own baby during the night.

The times I have handed mine over I have had to be fairly tolerant of the things that happen while I am not there.

It's huge having a small baby around to care for and expecting people to do it without recourse to their own natural instincts and methods and beliefs is a bit harsh

you have to give and take

I doubt they will ask anyone again unless it's someone very influencable that they are paying (nanny, teenage babysitter etc)

I'm curious. You obviously feel that because you co-sleep with your own baby that you would be able to successfully co-sleep with this baby. But what if you hadn't? What if, for some reason, you simply didn't wake for this baby as you do for your own? What if, god forbid, something bad HAD happened?

Could you have lived with that?

Not worth the risk, IMO.

I really think YWNBU. Firstly, you did what was best for DN and secondly, you'd not been asked not to.

But I wouldn't let SIL's reaction upset you. I am vile when I'm overtired.

But why, Wilson?

as someone else just said, you wouldn't hand over a bf baby without explaining about the feeding. However these people did just that. They said it has a cot, which you put it in.

They did NOT say, you must put it in the cot.
They didn't say she couldn't pick it up and carry it around to prevent it crying, which she did,

however this was untenable all night

If I was left in charge of a bf baby all night and couldn't settle it, I'd not be daft enough to give it formula but I might for example take it for a drive or something, I wouldn't just sit there while it screamed all night. You have to be resourceful.

I think you did a wonderful thing offering to go over and help out giving them a night's sleep but I do think that you should have checked if co-sleeping would be ok with the SIL.

I co-slept with my daughter after weighing up risks and reading up on it. However, I wouldn't DREAM of co-sleeping with somebody elses child! I am attuned to my daughter but wouldn't risk it with someone elses little one.

I am not surprised the SIL was angry if she is unhappy with sleeping like this with her child then the fact someone else has done it must have scared her witless especially when her little one is so young.

I think you should understand why she reacted the way she did. That sad, it sounds like she OVERREACTED and was incredibly rude. I think now she has calmed down, you should call and apologise and didn't realise it would upset her so much and frankly I think you are also owed an apology for her anger and rudeness. I would have been very unhappy if someone else had done this with my six week old but I don't think I would have been so unpleasent about it.

I also think you are right that the little one should be in the room with parents.

I´d also like to know what the parents thought that OP was expected to do for sleep all night.

Not sleep?

Accidentally fall asleep in a chair/on a sofa/in bed cuddling baby?

I think they needed to be clearer what they wanted out of the situation.

Did they want a break while OP carried the crying baby about all night for them (untenable and unfair)

did they want her to try her own tricks on the baby and get it to sleep in whatever way she could (clearly not)

None of it was very clear from the outset.

I also can't believe they just went to bed and left her there with a baby which historically never sleeps. It's senseless.

I think you were both BU.

You did a kind thing and to be frank as others have pointed out as she's ff I don't get the need to call in for reinforcement. The beauty of ff is the fact you can take it in turns.

I also agree with you and the fact she's too little to be in a separate room.If she had a moses basket up by the bed she could stroke her to sleep and she could hear mummy breathing.

On the other hand co-sleeping is a big no no for me due to the SIDS risk but dp who was amazingly hands on with all my 3(thank god)used to love it and frequently fed and slept with them.I went ballistic every time as he knew my fears.I understand your in laws anger.

However to expect you to sit up all night with a hollering baby is UR and they didn't say before they left "on no account co-sleep".They should have thanked you and politely requested it not happen again.I think they've been a bit ungrateful and rude to be frank.But you do need to apologise as co-sleeping is their risk to take.

Not co sleeping is NOT sleep training though. I am confused.

Waking every 2 hours is normal ime for a 6 week old baby bf or ff, cosleeping or not.