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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think there's a sudden tendency in AIBU...

462 replies

woollyideas · 05/08/2011 08:46

... for some people to accuse others of 'bullying' or 'attacking' when they have their views disagreed with?

I've noticed a few threads on here in the last couple of days where anyone putting across a contrary view to the OP gets accused of being mean/bullying/personally attacking. I don't like it. Aren't people allowed to disagree anymore?

More to the point, I've noticed that some of the people complaining about 'bullies' are ganging up with each other to 'tell someone off' which comes across as a bit... well... bullying.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 05/08/2011 16:02

they should be sceptical,we all should.after all anonymous,online and not corroborated id expect some scepticism. but its the sport of do publicly trying to catch someone out,searched posts and are you newbie.gathering a wee audience to show off to.

if you feel sus,contact mnhq

Original poster
woollyideas · 05/08/2011 16:05

Addressbook: As the OP, I'd be interested to know why you are referring to 'the thread that triggered this one...?' Are you clairvoyant?

I posted this because I'd noticed it happening on several threads - not a single particular thread - and was a little bothered by (a) the accusations of bullying where I only saw disagreement and (b) the way the accusers ganged up against the accused...

OP posts:
addressbook · 05/08/2011 16:05

didn't see that thread GetOrf. scottishmummy those exact things happened on that thread.

Look I am not expecting mass agreement over this. I have had some right pastings on AIBU. Probably deserved at times. But I still think at times some posters step over the line with their bitching and piss taking

addressbook · 05/08/2011 16:10

woollyideas I don't understand what you are getting at. I am referring to the security light thread, which I presumed (maybe wrongly) triggered this one?

Yes I made an accusation of bullying and yes I typically was accused of being a bully because I made those accusations Confused

It wasn't against those that disagreed with the OP. It was those that were trying to pick holes in her posts as if she was making it up, being rude and collectively bitching at her

ShirleyKnot · 05/08/2011 16:10

And that's fine to say that addressbook! But I really think that calling it bullying is a misnomer and does no one any favours.

My son encounters bullying at school, and it has spilled onto FB as well, and it's horrible and awful. What happens on MN is catergorically - in the main - NOT that.

Oh and I also totally diagree that when a thread de-rails and becomes a bunch of mucking about? I truly cannot see how that is bullying behaviour either. It's often a way of defusing a "hot" thread.

glitterkitten · 05/08/2011 16:13

Eyebrows, I called you a bully to highlight the ridiculousness of you using that term in that context.

Original poster
woollyideas · 05/08/2011 16:13

Addressbook: "...But I still think at times posters step over the line with their bitching and piss taking..."

I think you've his the nail on the head there. Where you think a line has been crossed, others obviously haven't. Maybe it's just a question of perception/a difference in taste or humour.

I'm quite happy, for example, for a friend to say 'Fuck off, Woolly' and wouldn't be remotely offended as long as it was said in a pleasant enough tone, whereas some people would probably be mortally offended if a friend spoke to them like that.

The thing with thinking people are 'stepping over the line' is who is going to determine where that imaginary line should be drawn?

OP posts:
addressbook · 05/08/2011 16:16

you mean addressbook? Moi?

You may deem it ridiculous, I think it was mean and unduly ubrupt at times. I just couldn't get onto someone like that even if I disagreed with them. And bullies like to accuse their victim of being the bully when they are finally goaded into a response.

Ormirian · 05/08/2011 16:19

getorf - I remember the vicar thread Sad That was totally awful

Original poster
woollyideas · 05/08/2011 16:19

Addressbook (your post at 16.10) - no this thread wasn't inspired by the security light thread in particular, although that was one of the ones that I read and thought "oh for pity's sake..." when I saw the references to bullying. There were about four others though in the space of about twenty four hours and it rang alarm bells with me because I felt there was an attempt to stifle anyone who dared to disagree with the OP. Like Shirleyknot I've had some first hand experience of bullying and seen what some of my teenage DD's friends do on facebook, etc., but what I see on MN is nothing like that!

OP posts:
addressbook · 05/08/2011 16:20

Yes it can be hard to define woolly. But by believing in my own definition and trusting when I feel uncomfortable, I have learnt to put up far healthier boundaries for myself. And also enough self esteem to not mind not being one of the group, when I feel it could be hurtful to others

scottishmummy · 05/08/2011 16:20

addressbook,you have an agenda and axe to grind thats permeating your posts on this threasd,and the fact is if disagreed with or no likey you're going to revert to default bully bullying position

as you have said your previous experiences have influenced your beliefs,and you cited example of your mn pal whom you feel aggrieved how she was treated as an example of mn bullying

addressbook · 05/08/2011 16:21

woolly ideas there was plain old disagreement yes. fine. but some posters were getting nasty and dissecting her words to try and discredit her story

addressbook · 05/08/2011 16:24

erm not really scottishmummy. you are disagreeing with me now but you aren't goading, bitching or sniping. Or trying to out me as a troll. I think you are entitled to disagree with me, of course. I would be a bit insane to expect everyone to agree with me!

scottishmummy · 05/08/2011 16:27

certain terms are overused on mn.
bully is one of them

addressbook · 05/08/2011 16:31

Lets agree to disagree then

p.s. It is sunny in scotland, I am going outside to make the most of it!

scottishmummy · 05/08/2011 16:37

yes,i can see it sunny.have to finish off some stuff though

MadameLupino · 05/08/2011 16:45

Are we done then? Cos I've found this lovely wolf necklace - too scary?

youarekidding · 05/08/2011 16:45

What have I missed. Confused

Been away for 5 days, comes back to this and cupcakes has changed her name. Shock.

trillian summed it up with this YABU to think it's sudden or new for people to try to accuse others of bullying when they disagree on page 1.

Spuddybean · 05/08/2011 16:47

I joined MN because i was finding it hard to find women to discuss issues with, whether they be serious or lighthearted. What i was looking for was a forum of intelligent women to have informed opinions back and forth where i needed guidance and expertise.

And for the most part i haven't been disappointed. However, there is an element of exclusivity which you get with all 'groups' whether internet or RL, and if you are new or different this becomes apparent and perhaps not entirely pleasant. I wouldn't call it bullying tho (a bit like when you temp and a group of colleagues are friends before you get there and they all have in jokes and don't invite you for lunch).

Personally my style of discussion tends to be dispassionate and a bit cold. I work in academia so am used to this style of information swapping and writing. All tends to be evidence based followed by interpretation. So with that in mind i have been Shock when i have offered an opoinion on a thread and another MNer (not the OP) has become aggressive or passionate - calling me an idiot or insane or something -and i must say it has upset me.

I understand that some people express themselves in this way and then can go on their merry way but i have had to toughen up and also now question whether i should join in on some threads with certain Mners on there too. (probably for the best!).

There isn't enough room or time to give all the details so it is often necessary to summarise, but then you get probed and called on details, which for reasons of brevity, you may have omitted.

I also find having names written more offensive somehow than someone saying it to me.

TwuntyBollocksBrigade · 05/08/2011 16:50

Someone call? Sorry, I was in the park.

Just for your benefit, there was an unpleasant disablist attention-seeking thread in AIBU. A few parents of children with SN were rather upset. A few complained and said thread was quickly deleted.

Then someone started a thread about the deleted thread, described the people who had complained as the 'Twunty Bollocks you are all Selfish Prats' brigade, using quotes to pretend that was the language being used by us bullies with children with SN. Obviously we are also the 'SN mafia' or have also been described at 'Professionally Offended.'

We decided we quite like Twunty Bollocks and have taken it for our own!

MmeLindor. · 05/08/2011 17:04

Spudy
I know that it may seem like this, but really most of us hardly know each other. I may "know" some posters a little better as they are fellow bloggers, or on twitter but for the main I agree with who I agree with and disagree with others. I cannot say that I don't notice the name, but it does not colour my response. Except perhaps if I knew from another thread that the poster was going through a hard time or had other problems.

And, yes, sometimes the language on MN is erm, robust. But that is what a lot of posters come here for. Because we dont have to pussyfoot around.

ThePosieParker · 05/08/2011 17:06

Some posters know that they are pretty much always on the wind up, best to avoid them.

scottishmummy · 05/08/2011 17:09

again its all subjective .one person perceived wind up, is riposrte and funny to someone else. but the funniest aibu are the ones where op gets harrumphy when no one agrees.and it descends into a name calling debacle

Original poster
woollyideas · 05/08/2011 17:09

I don't know anyone on here.
Sorry if someone perceives me as being part of a quiche but I really don't know who anyone is and can barely remember anyone's name from one post to the next...

OP posts: