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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's sad to request "no flowers" at a funeral

111 replies

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 18:00

It's my cousin's funeral on Monday Sad She was 53 and never married or had dc so her father and siblings have made all arrangements. They have requested no flowers but donations in lieu ... I will comply with their wishes but can't help thinking that it's sad not to give someone a send off with flowers.

What do you think?

OP posts:
altinkum · 03/08/2011 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum · 03/08/2011 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scurryfunge · 03/08/2011 18:03

Some family flowers are nice but flowers are blinking expensive. Much better to donate to a cause. Sorry for your loss.

BahHumPug · 03/08/2011 18:03

Flowers die. I know it's harsh but a lot of the time, the family is left with lots of bouquets to worry about when they really aren't up to it. They end up being a burden and a waste of money. It's therefore sensible to spend this money on a charity close to the family's heart.

I am really very sorry for your loss :( Could you ask if you could contribute a wreath to put on the coffin? A lot of the time the family have sorted this anyway, so the person does get flowers in their send off. They just don't want to be inundated.

Kladdkaka · 03/08/2011 18:03

Depends on the person. My nan always thought flowers were completely pointless, ornimental nonsense which made her sneeze. She'd have come back and haunted us if we'd had flowers at her funeral.

plantsitter · 03/08/2011 18:03

I'm sorry about your cousin. I see your point but when you think about how much flowers cost for an item that lasts a few days at most, and compare that to how much a charity could use the same amount for (flowers are expensive), it does seem the most responsible decision. Is it a charity your cousin would've supported?

redskyatnight · 03/08/2011 18:03

Don't see why it is sad either ... donation much better use of money than spending a small fortune (in total) being spent on flowers that won't last for long.

Original poster
gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 18:04

Thank you. I just think it looks nice to see a cortege bedecked with flowers.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/08/2011 18:06

If there are going to be a lot of people attending, it is quite normal to say "family flowers only" and have a donation to a preferred charity. I did this for both my parents.

You could always ask if it would be ok to make a donation AND take some flowers, and I am sure they would say that is ok unless they have very specific reasons for not wanting any flowers.

ajandjjmum · 03/08/2011 18:08

You know gail, I sort of understand where you're coming from.

We just had family flowers for my Dad, but my Mum adores flowers and I can't imagine doing the same for her. I've got a hundred years to make that decision though! [grin[

Birdsgottafly · 03/08/2011 18:09

My FIL passed last year and the family requested donations, only family flowers, they were very upset when flowers arrived, because they would rather the money have gone into research what he died from, you have to go with their wishes.

I have already organised my own eco funeral for all you know she may have let her wishes be known before her death.

Sassybeast · 03/08/2011 18:10

I think it's increasingly common for the person themselves to request no flowers when planning their own funeral - I know if i had the opportunity I'd request no flowers - I do think it's a real waste of money. IME it's also common for the immediate family members to have at least one floral tribute.
Sorry about your cousin.

MrsTumbles · 03/08/2011 18:14

With all my family we have followed their requests and they have all been for money to go to the charity related to what they died of. If it wasn't specifically requested by them then we would have let people bring flowers happily.

My DH knows that there are to be no flowers at my funeral for the sheer misery they cause me in life

woolleybear · 03/08/2011 18:14

Sorry to hear of your loss. My dh's friend died recently and they asked for a contribution toward funeral costs which we went along with. It is a very expensive time and the family and already lost another son less than 6 months earlier.

LadyThumb · 03/08/2011 18:19

When we cremated my Gran, we went back in the afternoon to get some of the flowers. All but 1 wreath/bouquet had disappeared. Turned out the town Vicar had snaffled them all for his vicarage. We went and banged on their door and demanded them back. Boy, was the Vicar's wife embarrassed!

jetgirl · 03/08/2011 18:20

Sorry about your loss gailpotter.

At my granny's funeral we had one bouquet, and my granny would have felt that excessive, but the money was far better spent going to the British Heart Foundation in lieu of other bouquets. Both my mum and uncle were given rose bushes by my great uncle which flourish in their gardens. I always think of my granny when I see them. Maybe if you want a more long-lasting floral tribute you could do something similar.

cruelladepoppins · 03/08/2011 18:21

It is a lovely tribute to the deceased to have lots of flowers - particularly if there is a grave (rather than a cremation) as they can be displayed on the grave for a few days. I found it quite comforting in the days after my DF's funeral, when visiting the grave with my DM.

On the other hand, I know a lot of families wouldn't want people spending loads of money on something as ephemeral as flowers. So YANBU (but then again neither are your rellies).

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Northernlurker · 03/08/2011 18:23

Why don't you contact the family and ask to bring a posy as well as making a donation? Generally in my family though we ask for donations and have one big wreath from the family on top of the coffin. Maybe they are doing the same?

Sirzy · 03/08/2011 18:26

Sorry for your loss op.

Personally I hate seeing loads of flowers on a coffin, i would much rather one or two small displays and money to charity.

It's a situation where there is no right or wrong approach and families have to do what they think they would have wanted. I do think it's an important thing to discuss with family though, my nan always said she would come back and haunt us if her coffin had "mum" in flowers!

emptyshell · 03/08/2011 18:35

Family friend died recently and we had no flowers at his funeral - donations went to set up a trust fund for young people in the city he loved (and bloody ran himself ragged serving) - was a more fitting way to remember him tbh.

Mind you - his funeral cortege and coffin down the aisle was led by a New Orleans jazz band so the whole funeral was somewhat unconventional (the jazz band just was him to an absolute T - you could imagine him grinning at it and laughing at how it had changed the tone from pompous to fun).

I just find there's nothing as depressing as a half-dead bouquet a few days down the line - wouldn't want flowers at my own funeral.

Snapespeare · 03/08/2011 19:10

i think family flowers - I'd want them from my children and very best friends and i wouldn't want them on show, I'd want them with me - so cremated with them on the coffin (if at all possible...) but my son is very green fingered and I'd like flowers from his garden, presuming he has one.

i think it's poignant though - the frailty of life, passing - circles etc. I'd hope my son would take seeds from the flowers and grow them - we have a family honeysuckle bush that has lasted generations. :) I'd prefer charity donations from everyone else.

i think you have to respect the immediate families wishes. buy a plant, make it grow for your cousin. :)

Mitmoo · 03/08/2011 19:17

Each to their own, there is a lot of sense in sending donations in lieu of flowers to charity, it will help fewer people dying of the disease in the future. Flowers are a waste of money.

I'd rather people made home made cards to put on mine (shudders at spooky thoughts) and gave the money to charity. They'd have put the effort in to the cards and that would mean more.

CMOTdibbler · 03/08/2011 19:17

I've never been to a funeral where there has been more than 2 wreaths tbh - but everyone has been cremated. For several relatives the wreath was a poppy one that was then taken to the war memorial which they'd have liked.

A lasting tribute to the person such as a tree, bench etc is much nicer than flowers imo

exoticfruits · 03/08/2011 19:19

I think that you need one lot of flowers on top of the coffin but I absolutely hate to see more than that-especially elaborate wreaths-it is such a waste when a charity could benefit.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 19:20

I don't think it is sad at all. Far better the money goes to a charity of the deceased choice.