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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's sad to request "no flowers" at a funeral

111 replies

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 18:00

It's my cousin's funeral on Monday Sad She was 53 and never married or had dc so her father and siblings have made all arrangements. They have requested no flowers but donations in lieu ... I will comply with their wishes but can't help thinking that it's sad not to give someone a send off with flowers.

What do you think?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 03/08/2011 19:21

I certainly would request family flowers only at any funeral in my family and be very annoyed if people ignored it. I would have a good cause instead.
If the person is elderly it makes more sense to send them some lovely flowers now-so they can enjoy them.

bananasplitz · 03/08/2011 19:29

i dont want flowers, they are so so expensive and i wont get to see them, save your money

zukiecat · 03/08/2011 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgie22 · 03/08/2011 19:30

Sorry for the loss of your cousin. I hate that so much money is wasted on floral tributes. I'd want flowers from close family only and then donations to charity from everyone else. I work for a local charity and know how vital these donations are, and the huge difference they make. A family we know went to the crematorium the day after their loved one's funeral to look at the flowers and they had been incinerated less than 24 hours later. What a waste of money.

grottielottie · 03/08/2011 19:31

My dear nan always said she didn't want flowers as she would prefer to have them in life. I took her a small bunch each time I visited, which was frequently.

Predictably those who didn't bother to visit her sent huge ostentatious displays to her funeral. I think the best thing you can do to honor someone is respect their wishes.

InstantAtom · 03/08/2011 19:32

YANBU. Flowers are a wonderful way to celebrate the life someone has lived. I don't see it as any more "wasteful" than quite a lot of things.

It's the same kind of "bah humbug" approach to considering Christmas cards a waste of money. Why don't people sacrifice one of their own daily treats to make a charity donation, instead of someone else's funeral flowers or Christmas card?

It also reminds me of the woman in the Bible who poured expensive perfume on Jesus. The discipes thought it was wasteful and it should have been sold and the money given to the poor. However Jesus said "?Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing". To me that is the same as funeral flowers being a beautiful gesture.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 03/08/2011 19:35

I'm sorry about your cousin and I agree with you. Donations are all well and good but flowers are traditional and it annoys me a bit when everything at the moment comes down to value for money, or whether the money could have been better spent. Sometimes things are nice to do for the sake of it and bugger the money.

Each to their own but I can see a time when people who really would like flowers start to request none because of the reactions they think flowers will get.

FessaEst · 03/08/2011 19:38

Sorry for your loss, YANBU to feel sad, but your relatives ANBU either.

I personally think cut flowers are a bit of a waste. We had balloons at our wedding instead (can see that might not work for a funeral). It is v usual for their to be family flowers only. I'm not sure they add a lot to a funeral, and it would be a mistake to think that the deceased person's worth was being demonstrated in floral tributes. If you feel strongly, you could ask if they object to you sending flowers as well as a donation.

wompoopigeon · 03/08/2011 19:38

I am sorry for your loss.
We spent £100 on a basic arrangement of flowers on my dad's coffin, and requested no flowers please, donations instead to charities for people in financial distress.
I would say that the flowers were displayed for 1.5 hrs tops and then incinerated. The ashes internment wasn't for 2 weeks so there was nowhere to put them after the cremation. We just left them at the crematorium, along with literally thousands of £ worth of other flowers from other cremations which had taken place earlier that day.
All I could think was, what a monumental waste. And my dad was a very frugal Scot so he would definitely not have been impressed!

AuntiePickleBottom · 03/08/2011 19:41

it's a waste of money...... the flowers will die but the monies could be used to fund treatment to save another life

Mandy2003 · 03/08/2011 19:50

I'm pretty sure that all the individual letters that make up the words Mum, Dad, Nan etc cost £75 each. Think what a difference a donation of that amount would make to a Hospice or a charity the deceased cared about?

Original poster
gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 20:11

Mandy - cousin's family have requested donations to the hospice which cared for her and I'm more than happy to write a cheque.

And, to be honest, a packet of cigs and a bottle of scotch placed on the casket would be more appropriate for my cousin - I think that would give her a celestial chuckle Smile

I don't see flowers as a waste of money, they're providing an income for the flower growers and florists. I remember reading Lauren Bacall's account of Humphrey Bogart's funeral. She had requested no flowers and, on the morning of Bogie's funeral, she received a telegram from the American Florist Association asking "Do we tell people not to go to Lauren Bacall moves?!" Grin

OP posts:
PerryCombover · 03/08/2011 20:20

sorry to hear about yer cousin but it's not like she will know or care about the flowers
always seemed a dreadful waste to me

lilyliz · 03/08/2011 20:27

sorry for the loss of your cousin.My DH was buried in the worst december for years and his family insisted upon buying flowers instead of a donation to the hospice which looked after him,next day the flowers were frozen stiff and I couldn't help but think of the wasted money that could have done some good.

mummymeister · 03/08/2011 20:30

If she/the family have specifically requested no flowers then you have to respect this i am afraid. personally, i want no flowers, no black and my ashes to go up in a firework! If you feel that you would like to do something lasting then why not have a tree planted in her memory or donate to a cause locally that she supported. if you cant find anything suitable that way then why not put something in a pot/in your own backgarden like a rose or a climber as a permenant reminder to you. have to agree with other posters, charitys are so grateful for donations and these make a lasting difference, flowers do not.

InstantAtom · 03/08/2011 20:31

If funeral flowers are a waste of money then so is anything that brings beauty or enjoyment but has no practical purpose.

All art, music, jewellery, hair colouring, alcoholic drinks, eating out, theatre, garden flowers, extra pairs of shoes, home accessories, perfume, birthday cards, postcards, competitive sport, fresh flowers sent as gifts, cinema and most TV programmes are a "waste of money". Should they be banned and the money sent to charity?

mummyosaurus · 03/08/2011 20:34

I am sorry for you loss.

I think flowers cheer everyone up a bit and it's lovely to put a personal message on the card, so I always do flowers unless they are totally banned.

Marne · 03/08/2011 20:34

So sorry for your loss.

Maybe close family have arranged for some flowers, i think often with younger people they have a lot more family and friends so they could end up with 100's of flowers which seems a waste of money, i'm sure there will be some flowers. Maybe you could put some flowers on her grave in a week or so (when all the other flowers have died)?

Meglet · 03/08/2011 20:35

We said no flowers at Dads funeral. I would have freaked if there was ££££ of wreaths sitting there instead of the money going to the hospice. My sister picked some flowers from dads garden for his coffin.

roisin · 03/08/2011 20:37

I think people like the idea of £100+++ being given in their name to a particular charity, and it is generally more "worthwhile" than flowers.

Once we knew of a funeral where the request was "please do bring flowers, everyone, bring cut flowers". The church was just like a meadow of flowers, with every possible hue and colour - it was fabulous.

Then the flowers were distributed to people around the parish, in nursing homes and so on. I loved that.

(I don't like wreaths at all.)

pranma · 03/08/2011 20:38

I want helium balloons at my funeral :)

Choufleur · 03/08/2011 20:40

Flowers die, are expensive and really serve no purpose. Donations could help people who are still alive. I'm glad people gave donations rather than floases when dad died. The money helped the hospice that helped care for him and make his last days as comfortable as possible. YABU

deemented · 03/08/2011 20:42

When i buried DS1 we requested family flowers only, then donations in lieu to the NICU that was saving DS2'S life.

Don't get me wrong, flowers are lovely... but they wither and die and need replacing. I'd much rather some good come from someones death and would happily give a donation.

PeppaIsBack · 03/08/2011 20:42

Another point of view : when my uncle died, my gran asked me not to send any flower (living very far so couldn't attend the service). Her reason was that she was struggling a lot already and didn't want to have to 'look after the flowers' too (Just taking a bouquet to the church looked too much for her)

HopeForTheBest · 03/08/2011 20:42

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