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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's sad to request "no flowers" at a funeral

111 replies

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 18:00

It's my cousin's funeral on Monday Sad She was 53 and never married or had dc so her father and siblings have made all arrangements. They have requested no flowers but donations in lieu ... I will comply with their wishes but can't help thinking that it's sad not to give someone a send off with flowers.

What do you think?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 08:59

There are some bizarre people about. I know someone who only puts up the Christmas cards she gets if they are 'tasteful' enough!

youngwomanwholivesinashoe · 04/08/2011 09:02

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Hevian · 04/08/2011 09:03

Why is it strange? I take pride in how I look, I take pride in how other things look. I wouldn't have bought flowers that I didn't like and put them on my dad's coffin so why would I put someone else's flowers there. I didn't even see them so have no idea what they were like. Our request was for no other flowers.

pinkytheshrinky · 04/08/2011 09:03

No I agree about shit flowers - I would rather not bother if there are not really nice. Op - I am so sorry about he loss of your cousin.

Personally I am going to have a HUGE arrangement of flowers on top of my expensive wicker coffin.... I know it is all pointless, I know it is a waste of money but not everything in life has to be good value for money.

My Mum's funeral was family flowers only and donations to a hospice which worked really well but I made sure that the flowers she had with her were beautiful and contained all her favourites. It meant a great deal to me, it was one last nice thoughtful thing I could do for her. Someone did ignore our request and sent a vile wreath, and I donated the flowers directly rather than have them with the coffin - they looked fucking awful and she would have hated them (they were also from a person who did fuck all for her when she was dying and made a big fuss after she died....)

Our local crematorium donate the flowers to the hospital and they are remade into vases and arrangements for the wards and corridors at the hospital and hospice

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 09:05

It sounds a good idea to actually use them. Sadly when my mother was in hospital recently they couldn't have flowers in the ward.

rubyrubyruby · 04/08/2011 09:07

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Mitmoo · 04/08/2011 09:10

Don't think it would be a good idea to recycle them to local hospitals. Not good to be reading the "With deepest sympathy" card as you are wheeled down for surgery. Wink

Our local hospital won't allow them in either.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 04/08/2011 09:11

Well quite apart from the obvious fact that someone may really want to send some but not be able to afford the money that your tasteful, elegant flowers cost, you are saying that you would ditch someone's tribute because you didn't like it. That's one of the most self centred, shockingly snotty things I've ever read on here and by God there's been some competition. That really is foul behaviour.

rubyrubyruby · 04/08/2011 09:13

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Scholes34 · 04/08/2011 09:13

A friend recently went to a funeral of her great uncle, who was a very keen gardner and had an allotment. The "floral" display on his coffin was actually made up of vegetables (think of the lovely colours you get from aubergines, peppers, caulis, carrots, cabbages, herbs) and those attending the funeral left with a bag of veg. Very useful.

My aunt recently died. I was torn between family flowers and a donation to the local renal unit at the hospital. I chose the latter and was pleased with this decision when everyone after the funeral was trying to decide what to do with the flowers that had been sent.

To have just a few family flowers makes those displays all the more poignant.

pinkytheshrinky · 04/08/2011 09:14

Ours used to have the flowers on the wards and now it is in corridors only... fucking daft imvho

but the hospice have them all over the place which I think is lovely and really cheering for people

I stand by my flowers snobbery - sorry if it offends but there it is - I wouldn't want the last view of my fabulously decadent coffin to be spoiled by the equivalent of service station flowers - no way

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 09:14

If you have family flowers only then you can have lovely ones on top of the coffin. If you have everyone sending flowers I don't think you can then vet them for taste! I personally hate anything done up with letters or shapes etc but people love them and spend a lot on them so it wouldn't be fair to ditch them. Much better to give the money to a good cause and have flowers of your choice.

Hevian · 04/08/2011 09:15

Gendoline - well I actually think it's rather foul behaviour for people to send flowers to a funeral when it's been specifically stated they shouldn't. I suggest you read my post again.

And yes, it was tasteful and elegant - just what my dad deserved.

Sirzy · 04/08/2011 09:15

Someone has gone to the trouble of sending them and to refuse them is wrong IMO.

We put flowers on my nan and grandad fortnightly alternating between relatives. My aunt lives abroad so arranges flowers from interflora every few months. Often not what we would put on but what she wanted so they go on.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 09:16

I was very sad about flower policy in hospital-it cheered me up no end when I was in and had them by the bed. They would have done my mother a world of good.

Hevian · 04/08/2011 09:17

Exotic flowers - I don't think any of dad's friends had THAT bad taste (name made up in flowers) however I wouldn't really know!

Hevian · 04/08/2011 09:19

Sirzy - you need to read the thread again. This is not about putting flowers on someone's grave.

rubyrubyruby · 04/08/2011 09:20

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Shutupanddrive · 04/08/2011 09:20

Op why not take some flowers to the grave in a week or two, when the family flowers will probably have been removed
Sorry for your loss

pinkytheshrinky · 04/08/2011 09:30

I would like to remind anyone who thinks I am a bitch for ditching tasteless flowers (from a bloody idiot) that we requested family flowers only. It is rude to decide you will do what you want despite a specific request.

Hevian has it completely right

sleepaholic · 04/08/2011 09:41

I personally don't mind flowers at funerals and would always respect the wishes of the family, though I do think it's sad that some people get more flowers when they die than when they are alive.

Sirzy · 04/08/2011 09:44

It's the same though about respecting other peoples though hevian. We could easily throw the flowers we don't like but wouldn't as that is selfish IMO

bananasplitz · 04/08/2011 09:45

All art, music, jewellery, hair colouring, alcoholic drinks, eating out, theatre, garden flowers, extra pairs of shoes, home accessories, perfume, birthday cards, postcards, competitive sport, fresh flowers sent as gifts, cinema and most TV programmes are a "waste of money". Should they be banned and the money sent to charity?

do you normally take the dead person to the cinema and shove them in front of the telly? Buy them extra shoes to take with them to the other side? surely the flowers are supposed to be for the dead person's benefit. I sincerely dont want them and want everyone to spend their money on a slap up meal for themselves

GwendolineMaryLacey · 04/08/2011 09:48

And if you read mine properly I'm agreeing that people shouldn't send flowers if it's been requested that they shouldn't.

Your post implied that the reason you didn't want flowers was that you didn't want anything inferior there.

And I never called anyone a bitch so don't get carried away.

rubyrubyruby · 04/08/2011 09:48

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