Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's sad to request "no flowers" at a funeral

111 replies

gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 18:00

It's my cousin's funeral on Monday Sad She was 53 and never married or had dc so her father and siblings have made all arrangements. They have requested no flowers but donations in lieu ... I will comply with their wishes but can't help thinking that it's sad not to give someone a send off with flowers.

What do you think?

OP posts:
2littlegreenmonkeys · 03/08/2011 20:48

Sorry to hear about your cousin xx

I don't think that it is necessarily sad to not have flowers at a funeral. My mum and dad have told me that they don't want any flowers at their funeral and I don't want any at mine.

If you feel sad about it, could you not take just a single rose for your cousin and still make a donation?

HipHopOpotomus · 03/08/2011 20:49

I'd like lots of flowers please! I know they die but I'll be dead too, and I love love love lots of flowers Grin

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/08/2011 20:49

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. So young Sad

We had lots and lots and lots and lots of flowers at DD's funeral and I appreciated them and they were beautiful.

But I was distressed at leaving them at the crem. I knew they would be chucked away the next day. It really upset me. I took as many home as I could but I couldnt really take the wreath type ones as it was inpractical.

My friends OH collected the notes and cards for me.

It was also very strange on the morning of the funeral to have all these flowers delivered to my house. I was confused and didnt really understand what was going on. It was like a wedding.

So I do understand why people dont want flowers and would much rather the money went to good use.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 03/08/2011 20:50

I'm sorry you've lost your cousin. Is there going to be a family wreath? All the funerals I've been to have been family flowers only and donations to x charity. Both for burials and cremations.

PirateDinosaur · 03/08/2011 20:56

It's not (generally) as if there are no flowers at all -- close family flowers tend to provide enough for a good send-off. I've been to two funerals in the last couple of weeks, both immediate family flowers only. There were enough flowers to make an impact and satisfy your qualms about unemployment in the floristry trade, and non-immediate family made donations to the preferred charities which keeps research scientists in employment and will ultimately do something about the conditions the dead people died from.

Maybe sending flowers that have been grown in hazardous conditions by exploited workers who tend to themselves die early from the chemicals they are exposed to (unless you've specified free trade flowers) and that will die within 24 hours to a family who have specifically asked you not to send them in memory of a person who didn't want them is a nice thing to do for the sake of it, but only for a given value of nice. And I can't help thinking that helping to find a cure for cancer, or diabetes, or heart disease, or to make the lives of dying people and their families easier, is by default nicer.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2011 21:00

Sorry for your loss, GailPotter.

I can't believe the number of posters here who have suggested contacting the family, or just taking a 'little bunch'... just how selfish can you be? If 'no flowers' is the request then show some respect for goodness sakes and don't send flowers. The family's wishes and those of the deceased trump your own floral sensibilities. Hell really is other people sometimes. Angry

midori1999 · 03/08/2011 21:00

I am sorry about the loss of your cousin.

The only flowers at the funeral of our twin baby daughters were two pink cala lillies on their coffin. Flowers just didn't seem appropriate for the funeral of babies to me and my DH and we felt the money would be much better spent donating to the NICU that tried to save our girls and would then hopefully help save someone else's baby instead of people spending money on flowers which would die.

2old2beamum · 03/08/2011 21:09

sorry about your sad news, but can go with the family about no flowers. They are so expensive and only the florists benefit. When our darling son died 13 we said no flowers but bring a balloon and donate to charity, he loved balloons (he had a latex allergy) and we raised nearly £1000 for a childrens' charity.Much better than floral tributes.
Hope things go ok
'

YellowDaffodil · 03/08/2011 21:10

We sent flowers when my aunt died as it was family flowers. We also donated to the hospice. I would have walked over hot coals for her to be alive you YABU to give a shit about flowers one way or the other when your cousin just died. Does it really matter?

LolaRennt · 03/08/2011 21:17

yabu, I'm sorry about you cousin

Original poster
gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 21:19

Thank you for your condolences and hugs to all who have lost loved ones, especially their darling children Sad

My cousin and I had a great time working abroad together when we were in our 20s, I was her younger cousin and she was very protective of me. Sadly alcoholism blighted her life and, together with the cigs, ended it.

Of course, I wouldn't dream of going against her family's wishes and I've already written a cheque to the fabulous hospice that cared for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
gailpottertilsleyplatt · 03/08/2011 21:22

YellowDaffodil Hmm

OP posts:
berylmuspratt · 03/08/2011 23:47

When my Dad died, immediate family bought flowers. We asked everyone else to donate money to the British Heart Foundation fund in lieu of flowers. He died from heart disease :(

We then had a plaque dedicated to my Dad after his funeral.

bakeyouhappy · 04/08/2011 01:41

Another thought...
My husbands brother died very young, at 20, he had many flowers at his funeral, most were brought to his parents home after. My mil hates flowers now. They remind her of the time around his funeral. She requested no flowers at my fil funeral because of this. When people sent her flowers anyway it added to her sadness.

coff33pot · 04/08/2011 02:03

I can see where you are coming from and am really sorry for your loss x

When a family member of mine passed away it was stated family flowers only. I was very close to this person and cousins are family. I quietly and gently asked permission to bring a single rose to put in the grave with her when I paid my last respects told them I respected there wishes but wanted to put a private token if I could and my request was allowed.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 07:25

My DH died very young. I had one lot of flowers, from me. It was instinctive to request no flowers-I raised a lot of money for charity instead. Seeing mounds of flowers is terribly sad-leave them growing.

Tarenath · 04/08/2011 07:40

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I think it comes down to what your cousin would have wanted. Would she have preferred flowers or donations?

When my Grandad passed away it was no contest that we would all arrange flowers. He had spent his entire life running a nursery and growing plants and flowers so it was only appropriate that we send him off with flowers too.

EdithWeston · 04/08/2011 07:43

I'm sorry for your loss, gailpotter.

But requests for "no flowers" should always be honoured. It's not about what people think looks nice, is appropriate, or want to spend their money on.

It is about your poor cousin. It is either her directly expressed wish, or something the immediate family organising the funeral believe is her wish. You might sadly (or vehemently) disagree with these wishes but her funeral is no place to express, by word or deed, any poor opinion of them.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 07:52

I agree EdithWeston. We had family flowers only for my father, but one lot sent some and it was a question of what to do with them-they looked out of place.

Einsty · 04/08/2011 08:23

My grandmother, now deceased, wanted no flowers. But she always said: 'you should put your flowers in the hands of the living'. I think she had a point - and thinking of her always makes me determined to do that ...

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 08:33

My thinking entirely Einsty. If you really want to send flowers why not send a bouquet to the bereaved person the following week, or a year later? Much nicer.

Hevian · 04/08/2011 08:44

There are other reasons for requesting "no flowers". When my dad died I had to arrange the flowers from my sister, my mum and myself. We agreed we didn't want anyone else's there. For me, personally, and I never spoke about this with my family, I wouldn't have liked for a cheap bouquet of red and white carnations or something like that to have been put on top of his casket (and everyone has different opinions on what looks nice).

We had stylish and elegant wreaths made up. One couple did disregard our request for no flowers and ( I know this sound awful) but a dreadful bunch of flowers arrived at the funeral directors. It was such a waste and we told the funeral directors that we just had to make it clear to the funeral directors that we didn't want any that people sent along.

lisianthus · 04/08/2011 08:50

I am very sorry for your loss. YANBU. I can see where you are coming from. roisin's story re the request for lots of flowers funeral was beautiful. I think it helps to make a funeral a celebration of a life to have flowers, music, candles, a wake and so on. It stops it seeming so very bleak. I give to charities when i am alive and will probably leave something to them in my will, but I want my funeral to have lots of happy things to comfort people who love me and have been left behind.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 04/08/2011 08:50

Wow, that takes the biscuit. I'm all for flowers as long as the deceased has not specified otherwise but flower snobbery is a new one on me...

Sirzy · 04/08/2011 08:56

I agree gwendoline I found that rather bizzare

Swipe left for the next trending thread