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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask why you hate mum & toddler groups?

172 replies

nomdeploom · 02/08/2011 14:59

I am a sahm to to two dc (a 2yo and a 5mo). The toddler group I go to is on 4 mornngs a week and without it I would go slightly mad. I have noticed a few comments on here by people saying that they hate them and never go and I just wondered why really.

OP posts:
alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 02/08/2011 15:25

They were a life saver with dd1, although a bit competitive.

With dd2 I avoid toddler groups like the plague, (but due to dd2s delays and behavioural issues), dd2 can't cope with crowded places.

FreudianSlipper · 02/08/2011 15:27

boring i would rather sit at home listening to dido that is how awful i find them

i have been to ones in posher areas and not so posh areas. they both pitied me when they found out i was a single mum i got the fake sympathy tip of the head poor you don't worry one day you will be as lucky as me while of course wanting all the juicy gossip and to join in slagging my ex off, when i did neither of these i was shunted out, thankfully. i have no interest in talking about nappies, washing powder, hearing competitive parents compete over their children, buggy talk, new kitchens or worse over their partners or swapping organic recipies for tofu and mung bean frittata

myself and two friend i made had our little group and we stuck to that and still meet up now in the park away from others

upahill · 02/08/2011 15:28

The creche was at the council's sports centre.
It was fab. THe gym was next door to the creche so if there was a problem they would come and get you.

I used to swim, go to aerobics, go to the gym or have a sauna nearly every day.
They creche closed a month before DS2 started school so it was good timing for me but a shame for all the other mums who had signed up to the gym.

You could have 1 and 59 minutes for £2.50!

itisnearlysummer · 02/08/2011 15:59

I went to 3 mother and baby groups on 3 separate occasions.

One woman approached me and said I looked like the sort of person she'd have been friends with before she had children. I agreed. We stopped going and just met up together.

Other than that, same as others have said. Competitive parenting, neglectful parenting, sneering, patronising, ignoring, boring.

Awful awful places.

But then I never went to ante natal and I've never bought/read a parenting book/magazine.

I thought I'd probably be able to manage on my own instincts and listen to my children rather than an 'expert' who's never met them. It's worked out pretty well so far!

YouDoTheMath · 02/08/2011 16:02

I find the people at ours surprisingly hard to talk to. You make the effort with them, and it's not reciprocated. They just want to be with their babies.

Plus when they do talk, all they want to talk about is babies.

Sirzy · 02/08/2011 16:08

I go to one at the library which is great. I went to another one once but hated how the parents were to busy chatting to pay any attention to what there little angels were doing.

Continuum · 02/08/2011 16:08

Standard of conversation is appalling!!

smearedinfood · 02/08/2011 16:09

All seems a bit harsh, and it comes across that some of you may not like people. I love baby groups, it adds a bit of structure to my day and it's good for DS. Ok some are cliquey some are competitive, but some are absolutely lovely. Just keep trying... and some people might find it refreshing to talk about something other than oooh how old...oooh how much sleep haven't I had. Try it.

Flame on baby, flame on.

crazycatlady · 02/08/2011 16:12

I've only been to one toddler group a handful of times. It was actually quite good as it was well organised with lots for the kids to do, but I hated every minute and probably won't go back.

For the same reasons I hate soft play: Other People's Children. Most of whom are left to run riot and misbehave. If my toddler hits another child I would do something about it, but apparently in Toddler Group Land this isn't reciprocated Hmm.

upahill · 02/08/2011 16:12

Not flaming smearedbut I love people, I love my friends and their company.
I guess mum and baby groups weren't for me just as much a whist drive or line dancing club isn't my thing!

youngwomanwholivesinashoe · 02/08/2011 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smearedinfood · 02/08/2011 16:17

I had an early walker, other peoples houses used to incur sharp intake of breath, nice baby safe place for them to wear themselves out in...ahhhh

SuburbanDream · 02/08/2011 16:18

I think it really does depend on the people who go, and the people who run them. I've been to lots of different groups, some where no-one spoke to me or where I just didn't seem to fit in somehow. The two best ones were totally different: one was in a dusty old church hall, grubby old toys with no batteries working etc, but a lovely group of mums and dads and really caring organisers. The other was a toy library that had brilliant facilities, clean toys that worked, and wonderful helpers. These two were in an inner city area with a wide mix of parents from all social/cultural groups but they just seemed to work well. I would really have been lost without them. Also agree that if your local sports centre has a creche that can be a life saver! Ours had creche for under 5s on Mondays and Thursdays and discounted gym/swim during the same time period so you could work out (or spend two hours in the cafe Grin) for less than a fiver.

manicbmc · 02/08/2011 16:20

I went to a mother and baby group and was immediately the odd one out because I had twins, my pushchair was second hand etc. They were generally discussing which school to send their 7 month olds to Hmm and much of their conversation revolved around how advanced their progeny were. It was boring. The people there were tedious. And they were aghast with horror when I told them I'd be sending my kids to the nearest primary or home educating.

YouDoTheMath · 02/08/2011 16:21

No you've got a point there smeared - perhaps I'll try a few different ones. Would just be nice to meet ONE person I clicked with - that's all it takes! Plus it's for the benefits of the DCs.

hatwoman · 02/08/2011 16:25

I went to lots of toddler groups that suffered the usual stuff - cliquey, feral kids etc but the one that didn;t was brilliant - and there were two reasons why it worked well. If I ever ran a toddler group (which I won't) it would have these two simple features:

  • a list of jobs: make coffee, make drinks for kids, tidy up, run the craft table etc. everyone was asked to do a job: instantly you have to interact with people and they with you. if you're new you have to ask where the mugs are etc etc
  • it had no adult chairs that could be arranged into little closed circles for people to turn their back on kids and other people - it just had kids chairs so people perched at the activity tables and moved around.

and it had no-one much in charge, yes it had a secretary and treasurer and someone with keys to open and lock up but on a day-to-day basis there wasn't someone "running" it. we all did.

It was possibly self-selecting too. If you didn;t want to muck in, if you wanted to sit in the same place for 2 hours talking only to your friends and ignoring your kids it wasn't the group for you. (If you couldn;t muck in, because you had a two-week old baby we were all sufficiently muck-in interactive types that we realised that and did your share for you).

I loved that toddler group. whilst loathing many others.

dreamingbohemian · 02/08/2011 16:37

I was never bored enough to do the baby group thing. I spent most of my ML in a sleep-deprived haze and I was so happy to just hang out at home with DS, chilling out or doing the kind of projects one can do in one's pajamas Smile. Or if i was really ambitious I would just go for long walks around the city, to lovely parks I had never been to, that kind of thing. I had two friends with DC and sometimes we would meet up.

When I did get bored or frustrated I would arrange to meet up with friends on my own for a drink. I just didn't think hanging out with a bunch of strangers talking about our kids would alleviate my angst at all!

I think it depends on what kind of social animal you are. My two friends did lots of baby groups but they are also very extroverted, can't stand being at home all day, etc.

Firawla · 02/08/2011 16:48

OP i'm the same as you, i go most days and i like it. I find it more relaxing & less boring than staying in at home, and less effort than having to arrange meet ups in different areas get tube to visit friends etc which you dont want to be doing every day, but i think it depends on the group. I have been to some before which i didnt like but if you find a good one then they are great

TanyaBranning · 02/08/2011 16:59

I tried a few in the area I used to live in and hated them all. One was really cliquey and way too lentil-weaver-ey for my tastes, one was just a bunch of women sitting around not talking to each other while watching their children play (could've just sat in my garden and watched my kid play!) and the worst one was run by this weird, controlling Steiner-type woman who gave me violent urges, so it was leave the group or whack her one (I left Grin).

I did eventually find a half-decent group when we moved areas and I was expecting my second child, but then I went back to work.

I did find it quite hard going, really. I don't think they're for everyone. I craved long, gossipy one-to-one chats and maybe wine in the afternoon Shock Grin, not Nescafe in a church hall and endless wittering about breastfeeding...

BertieBotts · 02/08/2011 17:14

I'm a bit lentil-weavery/soft/AP/whatever other weird label you want to give it, and I find groups like the breastfeeding support group, slingmeet, la leche league etc tend to attract groups of like-minded mums, so I've made a few friends there. Other than that I used to go to a sure start group which had a mix of mums there - a group which are quite cliquey and "bitchy", but I bumped into one of them at the supermarket the other day and she asked if I was planning to come back and said it would be nice to see me there, so that was nice.

I did feel a real outsider the first few times I went to things but once you start going regularly you see a few of the same faces and can start to steer the conversation away from small talk. I don't really go to any now other than ones I know people who go to, but if you have no friends in an area they can be good for making friends IMO.

DogsBestFriend · 02/08/2011 17:27

God no! Other people's small children and other people talking about small children... not for me thank you.

I didn't go to M&T groups when my DC were little. Horses for courses and all that but even wild ones wouldn't have dragged me there!

superv1xen · 02/08/2011 18:01

i have only ever been to surestart run ones, and they are full of horrendous, patronising "workers" who hover round you talk to you like you're a)15 and b)stupid

it also feels like they are "watching" your parenting, my mate who i used to go with even got told off by one of the said "workers" for Not Interacting With Her Child Enough Hmm wtf, judgy bitch.

so we have never been back since. and never will.

LineRunner · 02/08/2011 18:04

Because they involve mums. And toddlers.

Adversecamber · 02/08/2011 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend · 02/08/2011 18:06
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