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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting pissed off to reaction I get when I admit having ds is hard?

56 replies

BlingLoving · 02/08/2011 04:53

People are always so surprised and/or judge.

"refreshingly honest" said with A smirk

Or big surprise it could be hard for me. I am not the only woman struggling. But the way people act you would think I am the first woman not to find having a baby a breeze.

Why are people like this? And why don't more women admit publicallt how hard it is?

OP posts:
nojustificationneeded · 02/08/2011 05:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 02/08/2011 05:33

Babies/kids are a PITA.

I have to go wake up the baby to do the school run.

He will not be pleased, he will share this displeasure vocally.

PAIN. IN. THE. ARSE.

CheerfulYank · 02/08/2011 05:44

It is hard.

And DS is relatively easy, as kids go.

hairfullofsnakes · 02/08/2011 05:45

I know what you mean - I'm lucky to have quite a few good friends where we can be honest and say how bloody hard it is, but I do agree that a lot of people are very 'oh it's a breeze' and almost like to look down on you I'd you are honest.

It's their problem and insecurity if they do. Parenting is draining, exhausting and frustrating! You are not alone!

TillyIpswitch · 02/08/2011 06:58

I've had a tough day with my 1 and 2 year olds - nothing in particular, but I do find it bloody hard work quite a lot of the time. Really hard work - infinitely harder than I was expecting.

YANBU.

tawrag · 02/08/2011 07:05

YANBU. When DD3 was 4 my OH had to work away for a year, coming home every other weekend. DD3 was the only child at home and not difficult as kids go, but on the Saturdays when OH was at home, I'd ask him to "take her away" for a long outing. Being responsible for and looking after kids is hard work. People who say it isn't are in denial, don't put much into it, or don't do it at all.

WhollyGhost · 02/08/2011 07:10

YANBU

I think that is why parenting comes as a shock to so many of us - it feels like there is a conspiracy of silence about how hard it is. However - I had no real support aside from my DH, a birth which left me traumatised and a baby who mostly screamed for her first year and a half. Now I am loving having a mischevious toddler and parenting gets easier every day.

I knew women through my breastfeeding group who had both families vying to help out, and were dissapointed that their babies just slept all the time. It genuinely was a breeze for them, and I think they thought I was exaggerating, or making a meal of it.

Those same women are now talking about how hard having a toddler is, though they still have eager babysitters, while I can't believe how relatively easy it is.

sleepdodger · 02/08/2011 07:12

YANBU.... I totally get it
I have a very sleep adverse baby, and sleep deprivation makes everything seem a little more challenging, yet if it comes up in conversation with other mums who's babies 'don't sleep' I get a grilling and it's only at the end if the conversation that it transpires my no sleep is just that, whereas theirs is 'only' 4 hour blocks at night & 2 day naps, that I then get an understanding look
I'm not after sympathy etc but just want them to understand why I find it seemingly harder & also get NOTHING else done ever (whole other topic on how that can make you feel!!)
I'm sure if I had a 12 hrs night + 3 naps a day baby I'd find it all a doddle tooHmm.

singarainbow · 02/08/2011 07:12

I think some people are scared to be up front and honest that it's bloody hard, in case others judge them...so they just look like they are judging us honest ones. I am so glad I work full time, I wouldn't be able to cope otherwise, and I love my 3 kids to bits but can't cope being around them all the time

TillyIpswitch · 02/08/2011 07:15

WhollyGhost, I relate to pretty much all of what you say, and had a very similar experience. I find my 2 YO soooo much easier than my turning-1-next-week year old.

it has got so much easier, and I expect the baptism by fire, as hair-raising as it was at the time, made this so!

Whatmeworry · 02/08/2011 07:30

It is damn hard especially when you have more than 1 under 3 yrs old, and anyone who says it isn't is either smoking/drinking/snorting something or has impossibly good babies.

lancashirewife · 02/08/2011 07:35

my 3 are driving me up the bloody wall now its the holidays. bickering and moaning. have 3 5 and under and i feel like walking out the house and leaving. middle child can't do what he's told if his life depended on it. he's been up half an hour and already been a huge pain! baby is up at 5.30 so am wrecked and fed up 5 weeks til school starts.....

lancashirewife · 02/08/2011 07:36

Anyone that says its easy must be lying.....perhaps they're just surprised with your honesty.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/08/2011 07:38

YABU because no-one likes to hear other people's whinges. My SIL does this all the time and, frankly, she's getting boring. If you've a specific problem, seek help. But if you're just moaning... best keep it to yourself.

HipHopOpotomus · 02/08/2011 07:39

For me it's important to keep a positive attitude - I'd drown in constant negativity. Yes it can be hard and I will admit that, but I don't linger there. It is also a breeze a lot of the time esp if I am organised, give myself a break re expectations, and can get out and about as we live in small flat (DD's 3.8 years and 3 months).

I guess for me, attitude is everything and I make big effort to stay on the sunnyside.

scrappydappydoo · 02/08/2011 07:42

It's just part and parcel of the whole competitive parenting thing. Some people find being pg a breeze and tell the world how radiant they feel - for others its a nightmare. Then you're onto who had the most natural birth and then whole bf/ff debate etc etc it just goes on. Parents are made to feel like failures if they don't conform to this ideal so admitting its hard is like admitting failure.

I remember when dd1 was a couple of months old I went to mother and baby group and all these mums were waxing lyrical about wonderful mummydom was and I just said that actually I found it really hard they looked at me aghast like I had revealed some kind of horrific secret. Anyway awhile later I went to the loo and another mum followed and whispered (!) a thank you because she was struggling too and thought she was the only one. I did not return to that group

Overcooked · 02/08/2011 07:43

I think Sleepdodger has hit the nail on the head really, sleep plays a huge part in it. If you have a baby that sleeps and you can therefore get some sleep then you can face a lot more the following day. Lack of sleep makes the most simple things difficult and frustrating.

That and support, especially from your partner.

I am sure I must be one of those annoying people that found DD's very early days a doddle but that is simply becuase she has always loved to sleep and I have a fantastic DH who helped me in whatever way I asked without questioning how I wanted things to be done.

WhollyGhost · 02/08/2011 07:44

There is a difference between whinging or constant negativity, and explaining. You can't really connect with people if you act like Pollyanna, never being honest about having a hard time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/08/2011 07:48

Everyone knows motherhood is difficult. But most of us don't mention it unless we're genuinely struggling, have been asked for advice or we're empathising with a friend.

WhollyGhost · 02/08/2011 07:53

Indeed - the OP is genuinely struggling, I was genuinely struggling, it is not unusual.

Pancakeflipper · 02/08/2011 07:54

My first baby was a breeze. My second has been the hardest bloody work in the world ( apart from yours OP). I love him to pieces and he's got the biggest personality I have ever known. But tied in with medical issue and the only sleeping for 20 mins at a time until 18 months old it's been a very hard 2 years.

But you are providing a good service there OP - you are allowing other mummies to either feel "I am not the only one then finding it hard going at times.." or they get to feel highly superior.

WhollyGhost · 02/08/2011 07:55

Being honest means that you can get empathy and/or useful advice. When you are extremely sleep deprived you can't see the wood for the trees.

ZonkedOut · 02/08/2011 07:59

It is hard, YANBU. It's the responsibility and relentlessness of it that gets me. Not to mention the sleep deprivation. And my 2 are not unusually challenging either.

Catslikehats · 02/08/2011 07:59

Honestly I am suprised how many woman are not more positive about motherhood.

All I ever hear from 99% of mums is how hard/awful/tiring/draining it is.

The other day I was asked how I found having DC4 and I said something about her being an absolute joy. Now try saying that and getting treated like you are sane Grin

And no I am not lying nor haven't been drinking/smoking/snorting anything.

Overcooked · 02/08/2011 08:05

It is so true about super mummies though, they're the ones who would raise eyebrows at people who find it hard. Some of the people that I have come accross at baby groups are like robots. Their children are pristine as are their houses but I always wonder at what cost. There doesn't seem to be any personality left behind the fixed smile and boden wear.

If everyone was a little more honest and a little less concerned about what others thought of them then new mothers could share information a little more easily without being judged for percieved shortcomings.

I may have had an easy DD but my house would have been a tip if not for DH and I was a walking tip but then I've never really given a monkey's what other people think of me.

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