To be getting pissed off to reaction I get when I admit having ds is hard?

[BlingLoving]

People are always so surprised and/or judge.

"refreshingly honest" said with A smirk

Or big surprise it could be hard for me. I am not the only woman struggling. But the way people act you would think I am the first woman not to find having a baby a breeze.

Why are people like this? And why don't more women admit publicallt how hard it is?

There is a small group of MNs who scurry around the boards giving each other covert thumbs up signs.
We are the parents who find that teenagers are much easier to have and deal with than babies and toddlers. Many think that that is very strange.
YANBU, and the problem lies with others not you.

Yanbu. Some kids are so much harder work than others. Mums with calm children get to live in a lovely world of calmness. I always mutter about how hard work my children are, I don't sugar coat it.

I was chatting to a friend yesterday and telling her what a PITA mornings are with my pre-schoolers and mentioned that 2.10yo DD tends to undress herself once I've got her ready - she looked appalled! I thought that was normal toddler behaviour .

I find that moaning 'with a smile' works a treat... You get all of your frustration out of your system and can be as p'ed off as you like without becoming the negative person the world wants to avoid.

As for mumzilla supermum, don't believe it... !!!
The pinched expression and the over confident parenting hides a lot IMO.

YABU because no-one likes to hear other people's whinges. My SIL does this all the time and, frankly, she's getting boring. If you've a specific problem, seek help. But if you're just moaning... best keep it to yourself.

If I didn't feel able to whinge throughout the last year, i truly would have gone insane (rather than just have a bit of a breakdown and end up on ads!)

Being able to feel as though you can just admit to finding it all too much, is really important, IMO. A 'sunny attitude' is a great thing to try and have and sometimes necessary to get through the day, but being able to scream, and say,'I hate this' and not feel awful about it is also important.

I thought that I found it hard when I had 2 under 2 (dds are now 4 and 5), but pretty much always managed to paint a smile on my face. Then I had ds, and realised that a sunny attitude wasn't going to cut it. Thank god I have friends who don't seem to mind me having a whinge and a cry.

Oh and also thank god for mumsnet and my friends on here, it is the perfect place to vent.

My 5th baby is 6months and what you would call "a joy" sleeps well mostly and is content and happy.However,i still find early mornings hard or not having time to myself and not being at work. I miss my social and sex life and am still a bit podgy from the pg,like everything,parenting does have its ups and downs.
She had reflux as anew born and i was tearing out my hair.

I think there is a tendency, especially among first time parents, to think that because their baby sleeps or feeds well it is down to what they are doing rather than luck. So those who are struggling simply need to lighten up, or follow Gina Ford, or unconditional parenting, or co-sleeping or whatever works for the lucky ones.

So struggling is seen as a failure to put the right approach in place rather than unfortunate.

Wholly- that's it exactly. That's what I feel. I must be doing something wrong! Everyone else's babies nap and sleep and eat etc. Mine doesn't and I feel like it's my fault. Especially when people are surprised I find it hard. It's like the sub text us "if you were doing it right you wouldn't have this problem".

But ds just does not sleep. And I don't know how to fix it. (I am not talki g about long sleeps. I mean, he just doesn't sleep. I have one v reassuring book which says a later bedtime is normal and fine for fussy babies, but it doesn't say what to do if ds does not sleep at all between 4pm and 10pm).

YANBU. A little honesty would probably go a long way to helping those who are struggling not to feel that they are the only ones who aren't supermummy.

Some babies are easier than others but very few are a dream all of the time but there seems to be massive pressure to sail through the early days of motherhood as though it is one long party. I had the good luck to have a very easy baby, but I knew others who weren't so lucky and I got fairly adept at identifying the fixed rictus smile and high pitched "oh yes, it's wonderful" that actually meant "I am hanging on by a thread here but daren't admit it".

There is a big difference between being honest about the ups and downs, and whinging constantly. We have a family member who is quite happy to tell all and sundry that she would never have had the second one if she had known what it would be like, and that the early days with a baby are just unrelenting gloom and misery and so on. She does it so much that it doesn't seem like she takes any pleasure whatsoever in her children.

It is hard, YANBU. It's the responsibility and relentlessness of it that gets me. Not to mention the sleep deprivation. And my 2 are not unusually challenging either here here!!

My 3 have been the worlds crapest sleepers. Its very hard to be sunny and happy when you been up a zillion times a night for years on end.......in comparison to other kids i've seen at playgroups and schools, my kids are a breeze....but still hard work! I love dearly them of course and am very grateful to have them (crap pg history), but perhaps i should go back to work to get sometime out from them.....

The only 'mum friends' I met through having DS who have become 'proper friends' are the ones who were prepared to admit to finding things hard too! There are only a few of them. The rest of the mums I have met expend so much energy on maintaining the delusion of perfect contentment that I can't really cope with them for more than an hour or so at a time.

As long as you have one or two people who can be mutually supportive on your bad days your life gets a whole lot easier!

And i never, ever believe anyone that bleets on about how perfect their kids, dh, family, work, life is. I just don't buy it - like the over the top facebook status - they trying to convince themselves ??

Everyone has struggles in life, some bigger or smaller than others.....

.

BlingLoving, that is where Mumsnet is a lifesaver, at least on here you will find lots of people whose children also never sleep!

I remember meeting a mum at a singing group when dds were 1 and 2, she had the same hollow eyed slightly manic laugh as me, (and daughters the same age and with the same awful sleeping habits!)and we have been closest friends ever since.

You need allies!

Oh also lots of people on here recommend the Elisabeth Pantley 'no cry sleep solution' books, they are great if only for the fact that they make you feel like less like a freak if you have a dc who sleeps badly to the point that having 3 children in bed with you seems like a good idea!

I am not sure what you want people to say in response? sympathy /agreement seems to descend into competition (I have it harder than you because...)
I am not necessarily sure it is due to how easy the baby is or not - it is hard to be sympathetic to someone complaining about lack of sleep when you realise they have more than you for example - what is hard for you might not be hard for someone else and vice versa.
I don't think its lack of honesty or desire to be seen as a good mother - I think most people find aspects of it difficult but not necessarily all the time so maybe they just don't agree at that point of time

YANBU, I have said this on many occasions. I have two DD's and they are both relatively easy, both sleep well, play well on their own and together etc.

Still I am exhausted by the constantness (is that even a word) of it all. I would love another but I really do not think my mental and physical health would cope.

they are ace, I am just shit. Not cut out to be a mum I think

I hate the attitude that others must be lying.

I found my first baby easy (shoot me) , he was very easy baby, i didn't have toddlers to look after aswell and my mum was here. The second and third time was much harder for many reasons. I've got a friend with 3 who finds it 'a breeze'.

I cannot bake a cake for occasion , others can bake 10 different cakes and find it easy.

What do you expect from others to say?

The other problem with the non-sleepers is that there are some people that simply do make a rod for their own back and give their child such mixed messages about what is accetable at night-time that the child really does know what to do. They have not really figured out that night-time is for sleeping all night because if they wake in the night then someone will get up with them for a couple of hours until they are tired again - that is just crazy.

So if someone gets a good sleeper and are consitent with they bedtime and nighttime rountine, then they just think all bad sleepers are like that becuase of something mum has or has not done when that is not always the case.

Again though, this is becuase people are not honest about parenthood - not one person told me that bf was hard before I had DD - it was only later on here that I found people being honest about it.

what is it exactly you find difficult OP?

I'm one of those mothers that people seem to think is finding it all quite easy. I'm not. I moan more than as much as anyone else, but despite moaning and talking a lot in order to find the best solution to things, I manage to get things done. As long as you cover the important bases, how easy or hard you find it should only really matter to you.

I totally agree that sleep is the main factor. Older DD didn't sleep at all. She was prem, we were grieving for her twin sister, she had reflux, we were renovating and had moved to a new area etc. when she was a baby. I struggled a lot more then than now. Little DD sleeps. (I now understand that question "is she a good baby?") Some babies sleep well. Get yourself one of those and you'll be fine. Tough if you don't.

What bugs me is how people perceive maternity leave/parenting as dossing about with your feet up, watching Jeremy Kyle and drinking mugs of tea.

Someone said to me once: "But what do you do all day?"

I'm about to go on maternity leave for the second time, and I've only been back at work since April. Some colleagues will barely acknowledge me in the corridor, as if they think I'm feeling all smug that I'm only working for a few more months and then off again - but, er, I'm about to rear another human being!!!

But do you know what? When I was "ill" the other week (only a cold, but not a nice one), given that the options were to either stay at home with a one year old or come into work, I chose the latter as being by far the easier option!

I think the level of support makes a HUGE difference. Where I live now I used to feel very second rate to a couple of friends of mine who were brilliant mums, had reasonable clean houses, cooked brilliant snacks as well as meals, went out regularly, had a social life etc and seemed to generally enjoy life.

I felt so tired just trying to cover the basics with my daughter, and then I realised that unlike me, they had large houses, so plenty of space, parents and parents-in-law on hand to either babysit or just to go to and get a meal and crash for a bit, friends they knew well that would also babysit or spend odd mornings together so as to share the toddlers, partners home reasonably early so as to help with evening meal and/or morning routine.

When I realised that part of my struggles were due toinsufficient accomodation, no family support and due to moving a lot a lack of deep friendship networks and a husband that works away a lot I felt less personally that I was a failure but I do still have to battle feelings of jealousy occasionally!

It surprises me that people are surprised when you say parenting is hard. I don't have kids yet but everyone I know several of my friends do have kids and all I ever hear is people telling them how hard it must be, however do they manage etc. I don't know if that's because they're 'young' parents though.

YANBU but I don't think everyone finds it hard and some babies are easier than others.

We have an angel of a baby, always smiling and laughing, we can take him out for tea and at 20 months he will sit up on an adult chair and just natter away and feed himself and entertain any passers by with his cheeky grin and expressive "wow!'s" and "uh ohs!". He is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant and others are always commenting on how well-behaved he is....

UNTIL

night-time comes.

Putting him down to bed takes hours. He screams like a banshee, like nothing I have ever heard before. He hits us, spits at us, thrashes about the cot, tries to bite us, begs us to pick him up. We have tried every possible solution from holding and rocking him to controlled crying etc. I find it unbearably hard sometimes, perhaps even more so because he is such a sunny happy child the rest of the time. He is like a different child. The decibel levels are extreme and from about 5 o'clock we are both dreading it. We have no time for eachother as a couple and no hobbies because we are both loath to let the other person handle it for a night.

It's an awful thing to say but it takes so much good of our lives that we can't crack this. Seems such a simple thing but we get worn down from it so quickly.. and yet it seems so ungrateful because he really is such a joy and I cherish him beyond all measure. I just wish he would, in the words of the book, GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

I want another baby but I am NOT having one until we sort this craziness out.

Emsies, your words are very true. We are in a similar situation. You just can't compare. Support really does make a huge difference.