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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think sometimes adults should have nicer food to children?

284 replies

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 11:40

Something on another thread made me think of this.

I was one of a very big family. My mum always cooked lovely home made meals.

Occasionally my dad (and sometimes my mum) would have different food to us. For example, they might have chops, when we'd have sausages. We loved sausages but we would have loved the chops, too. But when you have a very large family, how can you afford lamb chops for everyone? Half of my siblings were boys and ate a lot, too, so you'd be talking about three chops vs three sausages.

I never felt deprived because my dad had chops when I couldn't. It wouldn't have occurred to me. Similarly if he had Stilton and wouldn't let us taste it, I didn't feel deprived. Envious for quarter of an hour, maybe, but not deprived.

Now in my own family there are some things I like, eg fresh anchovies, which on the one hand I'm lucky my children won't eat anyway, but on the other I wouldn't want to pay for for all of us.

Obviously this is a financial issue. Given the money, my mum would have fed us all organic lamb chops morning, noon and night.

But if money is an issue, is it wrong (as many suggested on the bacon thread) that the children shouldn't eat what the parents eat? Shouldn't there be some privileges for being adult? (And of course I'm not suggesting children go hungry!)

OP posts:
Ormirian · 01/08/2011 11:55

"when children were served last, and dad first"

But why dad first? I think that is really odd. Why does dad need food more or is more important than anyone else? Unless he is doing a hard physical job he needs to be fed no more than anyone else, less so in fact than children who are growing.

rockinhippy · 01/08/2011 11:55

I too find it a bizarre view point, though perhaps more so as I had the opposite as a kid - not from a big family though, but after briefly splitting with my Dad & being short of funds my Mum often went without in favour of me & my brother having a good balanced meal - I distinctly remember not eating all my fish, so that some was left over for my Mum.

I can't ever imagine eating anything good that I can't also give to DD, though I do sometimes cook different meals, but thats down to us wanting a curry etc & her not - IMHO she is still growing & needs the best we can give her, so if it came down to it, I don't doubt both DH & I would go without so that she could have what she needs nutritionally - though with a big family I can see why that might be difficult

Interesting thread though, I was just talking with DD last night about how in the olden days, if families were poor & only men worked, then the men took the best food to have the stamina to work & earn - this was brought on by DD complaining that DH had taken the last cake for his work pack upGrin

CaptainNancy · 01/08/2011 11:55

YABU- it should be the other way round!

I think it's far more important to scrimp on adult meals if necessary than those of growing, developing children- they only get one chance at this, adults are already fully grown.

Sadly my parents frequently went without meals or ate the broth but no meat while ensuring we children had a balanced, healthy as possible diet... and this wasn't exactly the austere post-war age!

cjbartlett · 01/08/2011 11:55

harks back to the times when men did manual work

so if the bloke was down a mine all day he got his tea first and got lots of it

belgo · 01/08/2011 11:56

Ormirion - my mother does that as well - adults get served first - and it is so impractical because it means my food is on the plate getting cold while I serve the children's food.

I also serve the children first because of this. I want my food hot, the children want their food not so hot.

FourThousandHoles · 01/08/2011 11:56

Mine would definitely prefer sausages to steak, whereas dp and I would def prefer the steak

But if we were eating together (we don't always as dp finishes work too late) we'd all have sausages and the steak would be reserved for when dp and I were eating on our own

I'm not one for cooking different foods for different family members. I really can't be arsed.

Original poster
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 11:58

grumpypants I think that's what I was getting at, that the children shouldn't have a sense of entitlement.

fourthousandholes if you have nine children, it's obviously not as cheap to all have sausages one week and all have chops the next. There's very little difference in cost if just one or two adults have chops. I wouldn't want to buy chops for 11 people, would you?

And someone mentioned ice cream. I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream - if I buy it for myself I will make it last, or rather if I buy it once a week I'll eat it on one night but won't expect any more for a week. If small children saw that and wanted it, would you think it was reasonable to give it to them, or would you prefer to bring out the Walls Neopolitan, which they could have every night of the week?

OP posts:
JeelyPiece · 01/08/2011 11:58

The best food available is not the same as luxury food though - there is nothing wrong with cheddar cheese but it's cheaper than Stilton because Stilton takes longer to produce and there's less of it about. As an adult you can appreciate that aspect of it and enjoy the luxury. Even if children would eat Stilton, they probably wouldn't appreciate it so what's wrong with them just having cheddar? Nothing stopping them having a taste though.

I don't mean that you should have two levels of food at every meal or give your children substandard bland rubbish, but why shouldn't parents have the odd treat?

No way should adults forgo luxuries so that children can have them instead. That is not the same as saying you should lie around eating Haagen Dazs and pate while your child has Farmfoods cheapo burgers.

Original poster
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 11:59

I'm not talking about children starving whilst adults eat.

I'm asking whether children should feel entitled to the same food as the adults, regardless of cost. (Sometimes, not all the time.)

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 01/08/2011 12:00

I think it is important for the DCs to have a healthy diet first and foremost. Anything after that is really down to different views for different people. From my perspective I would rather my DCs ate what I ate as I want their palates to develop and would rather not cook two meals. It would feel odd to me that we were eating separate meals and if money was the issue I would lower the cost of the whole meal not just the DCs bit. I think it is a myth that children won't like "adult" food. My DN likes lobster, duck, mussels, etc and he is only 4.

Still as long as the diet is healthy and filing I think that is all that matters. After that I guess different people will have different ways of doing things.

Original poster
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 12:00

Exactly, JeelyPiece - that's exactly what I meant!

OP posts:
DamselInDisarray · 01/08/2011 12:02

I'd be horrified if DH expected to be served 'better' food than the rest of us. I honestly can't imagine cooking up a cheap meal for me and the kids and then serving DH some steak or other more 'premium' food.

  1. it's madness to cook multiple different meals if you're all going to sit down and eat together. Anyone who doesn't want what's on the menu (upon which they are consulted every week)
  2. DH does not deserve better food than me (and your dad did not deserve better than your mum)

(note: I only do all the cooking in our family because I'm good at it and because DH does all the crappy tasks washing up, etc.)

CaptainNancy · 01/08/2011 12:03

I think this is more prevalent in families where the breadwinners were doing manual work then?

Tbh if me and DH want to have something different to the children, it's usually because we're after something not so healthy, and we just eat after they're in bed. Very easy to do when they're young, will be more difficult when they're older I suspect! Grin

Ormirian · 01/08/2011 12:03

No they shouldn't always have the same food. Stilton, an example used by someone ealier, coffee, wine, dark chocolate, smoked salmon, very hot spicy food, are often an acquired taste. So not in the slightest bit unreasonable for adults to have and children not to have. But when it comes to expensive versions of food that children do like - I think that is different. Maybe it comes down to adults becoming infantilised - when I was a child adults tended not to eat ice-cream or sweets (for example) as they were seen as childish foods so having a tub of Haagen Das in the freezer wouldn't happen.

allhailtheaubergine · 01/08/2011 12:04

Erm, no. Sorry OP. I am sure you didn't resent it, but I think I would have done. We all eat the same. If all we have is rice and dal, that's what we all eat.

Original poster
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 12:05

OK well picture yourselves with 9 children and 2 parents.

Sausages = 20p each (or whatever)
Chops = £1 each

Two sausages each for the children would cost £3.60
Two chops for each of the adults would cost £4
Total cost: £7.60

Two chops for everyone would cost £22

Two sausages for everyone would cost £4.40

Can you see why there would never be a situation where you could all have chops? Does this mean you would pick and choose which child had them? Does this mean the parents (who, with 9 children, are working as hard as anyone can work) should never have a chop? What, never?

Bear in mind the children have already had a hot cooked school lunch, which my parents had to pay for. (No free school meals if you were working, then.)

And of course it's not an issue of preferring a sausage to a chop, just as it's not an issue of eating whilst your child starves to death.

OP posts:
belgo · 01/08/2011 12:05

oRmirion - do you really think adults used to not eat sweets/ice cream etc? My mother always did. Maybe they did have the tub of Haagen Daz (or whatever expensive treat) in the freezer but it was kept well away from the children?

CaptainNancy · 01/08/2011 12:06

Yes- I think children should be entitled to have same luxuries as an adult- they are still people, and no less equal just because of their age.

Original poster
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 12:06

Damsel, my mum did eat what my dad ate, usually.

OP posts:
zukiecat · 01/08/2011 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worldgonecrazy · 01/08/2011 12:08

I'm far too lazy to cook two meals, so DD gets exactly the same as me and DH. If we're having a treat, we all have the treat too. My DD loves all the foods that we like, including those presumed to be an acquired taste - olives, spices, coffee, strong cheese.

I can understand that many families have tight budgets, but it's possible to eat good food and budget too.

belgo · 01/08/2011 12:08

Imperial - I agree with your explanation about the ice cream - my children eat ice cream most days during the summer - there is no way I could afford Haagen Das every day (notice I say Haagen Daz, I don't agree that Ben and Jerry's is a posh/luxury ice cream Grin). So I buy the Haagen Daz for myself every now and again.

FourThousandHoles · 01/08/2011 12:09

I don't think I'd forgo a luxury food for the dc's. If we can afford for everyone to have it, we have it. If we can't, we don't. If the dc's don't like it and/or wouldn't appreciate it, we eat it when they aren't around. They have things I don't like or wouldn't appreciate sometimes (slush puppies and olives spring to mind blee blee blee).

If I had nine children then my principle would be the same - sausages for all apart from when we could afford chops for everyone who wanted them, even if it was only a couple of times a year. ( oh and if someone would prefer a sausage, then fair enough, they could have a sausage. )

grumpypants · 01/08/2011 12:09

imperial i think i am thining the same as you.
ime it wasn't/ isn't the scarcity of food, purely a kind of 'manners' type thing.
TBH now, i do feel that a lot of children have a sense of being on the same or superior level to adults, and do answer back/ swear at you/do or say things that would have been considered cheeky when i was a kid.
so maybe i am off tangent in this debate. when i was a single parent, dd got fed and if there was spare money or food i did.

catgirl1976 · 01/08/2011 12:09

If some foods are an acquired taste, surely children need to start trying them as early as possible in order to acquire the taste? Although I would leave wine and coffee out of the equation..........