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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask: How did you disappoint your parent/s?

228 replies

Countingwiththecount · 30/07/2011 17:06

I dropped out of uni after a year to 'reconsider'. My mum was so upset she declared the previous twenty years 'an utter failure' and held me personally responsible for gender inequality. To this day we are still nowhere near as close as before. Fortunately I have reached a stage in my life where I can accept this but I'd be v interested to hear other MNers experiences!

OP posts:
huffythethreadslayer · 31/07/2011 11:19

I was born. That was enough. Being the last of 6 my mum assumed I was the menopause and was gutted to find I was another mouth to feed. Now I'm grown up I can see it from her point of view...years of grinding misery and poverty being surrounded by kids and never having chance to be an adult herself. She made me feel less than worthless all my young life. I was lucky to be a bit more academic than the rest of the family and managed to turn things around, though I'm sure I could have achieved so much more with a bit of familial support and encouragement. For that reason, dd is praised often and is probably what I would have been...a bit full of herself and rightly so:)

GwendolineMaryLacey · 31/07/2011 11:26

I feel bad now. I should have added that, despite me disappointing my mother because I'm fat, we do have a lovely relationship, are very close, speak every day and get on really well. I wouldn't change her for the world...as long as we don't talk about weight :o

melika · 31/07/2011 11:45

Although, my mom was overweight, she always told me off for eating anything like a cake. She used to say 'thought you were on a diet, you don't want to get like me'.

Also she always had a love/hatehate relationship with DH, who did the most for her in her old age. She always said nasty things to him even though he was kind to her. It hurt me. I guess he wasn't what she had in mind for me.

Been married 21 years now (been together 26), I think she was wrong!Smile

BlueArmyGirl · 31/07/2011 12:43

Ok, to put this in context I actually have a pretty good relationship with all my parents (including the step-parents!) However, I do disappoint my mother by:

  • losing weight. She has battled with weight for years and now always has to say something about what size I am, sugesting that it's unhealthy!
  • not agreeing with everything she says - it's like you're criticising her personally if you have a different point of view
  • for not living close enough
  • for 'allowing the children to speak to you like that' (apparently she would never have tolerated that from her children) but in the same breath for being too strict Hmm.
  • for being just like my Dad - they divorced when I was young. What she fails to see, and hates it when my dh points it out is that actually I am sooo like her!!!!!! (I hate this about myself too, it's a work in progress to change :0 )

I used to disappoint my dad because I met a man a fair few (5) years older than me between finishing GCSEs and starting A levels. Not only that but he wasn't a graduate, in fact he didn't even have a job! But I think he's kind of got over this now - especially since we've been a couple (including getting married and having kids) ever since. Though I'm sure he still thinks that I shouldn't have to work unless I want to because my dh should earn enough to keep me in the level of comfort I grew up in.

chipmonkey · 31/07/2011 14:48

Didn't become a doctor
Didn't marry a doctor.
Don't go to every party my relative throw.
Don't go to every funeral of people I only vaguely knew.

littletreesmum · 31/07/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

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HPonEverything · 31/07/2011 15:12

I've spent my whole life trying to please my parents and totally failed.

I did well at school and did the uni and career thing more because that's what they wanted rather than what I wanted, but then at some point they decided among themselves that I should now abandon career and everything I'd worked for to produce grandchildren for them. That's been their campaign since I got married 4 years ago and they couldn't care less how I'm doing at work or if I'm good at it (they actually don't know what I do).

Now I'm about to produce GC1 and upon telling them I was pg my mother's response was "when are you having a second one". It doesn't matter what I do, it's somehow never enough.

I've always been the 'good child' (easy and compliant) as opposed to my brother, but instead of accepting me for who I am they just continually want to let me know that everything I do is not enough.

I live 250 miles away now as a result, and like MummyDoIt that's a major disappointment. Ever since I've lived away I've had "but when you have children we'll never see them", they're not too bothered whether they see ME or not.

HeadfirstForHalos · 31/07/2011 15:23

I'm another "by being born".

My mum is and has always been a complete narcissist. She left my dad and I when I was 4 years old for another woman, I saw her once at 16, then when I was 20 she got in touch to show off her new fiancee. Realising dh and I were getting married too she forwarded the date to before ours.

She did come to our wedding, made a HUGE deal out of being the "brides mother", slagged off my dad to everyone (who raised me alone and penniless), then when we saw the wedding video found she had been making faces at me when I thanked the people who helped and handed out gifts (best man was crap so i ended up welcoming the guests etc).

I naively tried to get in contact after the honeymoon, even posted her one of the proffessional wedding pics of the two of us, but she ignored my calls.

Fastforward 10 years and I haven't seen her since, she has never met any of our dc (I have 4), not even when I nearly died with my dc1 and I know she knew through other family.

I don't know why somepeople have children.

ezzie21 · 31/07/2011 15:36

by being born...result of a 'lets try again' after my fathers affair

she now lives in a granny flat attached to my house [twitch]

i have perfected the art of getting out the back door with out her seeing me

i can go weeks without seeing her...i do blackmail send teenagers up to check on her every now and then - shes quite fit/healthy, just a misery who pours cold water on any joyous moment Angry

borderslass · 31/07/2011 15:38

moved in with 'my boyfriend' I was nearly 17 he was 43

2old2beamum · 31/07/2011 16:24

You lovely people I will adopt you all and you will be loved and treasured what ever you have or have not done. My deepest concern is how many children are dealing with the same problems?

bubbub · 31/07/2011 16:53

i wasnt great at school, excelled in arty farty subjects which mother equated to "being a bum" insisted on me doing busness at college which i had no interest in, was vry upset when i eventually quit.
i moved out at 16 after she beat me up.
after 2 weeks of begging i returned homw to be told i was a disapointment and i had to change. i left again that night.
i disapointed her by working in butlins for 3 years, living there, she would tell people i was travelling.
she was terribly and vocally disapointed when she stayed a week of my due date to meet dd2 and i didnt go into labour. apparently i didnt put enough effort into going into labour and did it to spite her as she lives far away (wonder why)
i am very fat, she would mention "doing something about your weight" all the time, when i told her i had pnd 1 month after dd2 birth she sent a bundle of slimming mags to me to cheer me up- lol. (that was a good one) but when last year i lost 4st she would call every 2 weeks and when i said "hello?" she would bark "how much have you lost this week?" if the answer was that i had lost more she would be bitter and cross, and tell me its in our genes to be fat, and that i would put it all back on again (i did. she was right and is now seemingly much happier).... i could go on....

NeedToSleepZZZ · 31/07/2011 17:44

My DM is great and always has been but i am and always have been a constant disappointment to my father in everything I do and am. I told him a few home truths a couple of weeks ago (about what a selfish man he is) and have since cut him out of my life. Sad really as he'll never know his amazing grandson but that's his making. I really think he didn't want children so nothing my DB and I could do would've made him proud. C'est la vie.

Helenagrace · 31/07/2011 17:49

Well to start with I'm not my brother.

I took time out of my career when my children were small. I now run my own businesses so I can flex my work around them. Aparently I haven't just let her down but the entire feminist movement. This, apparently, is not what she and others fought for in the sixties and seventies. I have the right to have a career and therefore I should have one.

I married a southerner. I live in the North (she lives in the middle and I should live just around the corner from her).

I wear jeans (apparently proper ladies don't - it's common)

I bake. (I shouldn't have time for that - I should be working instead)

I changed my first and middle names from the ones she gave me. I'm not quite sure what she expected when she called me Maria and then repeatedly sang "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" to me.

I have a joint account with DH (really letting the sisterhood down now).

Smallbrownbird · 31/07/2011 18:50

Oooh, I've always disappointed my mother, but it didn't stop her moving 200 miles to live near to me so I could disappoint her at closer quarters! I, too, come from a long line of mad matriarchs but I don't have children of my own. I have two fantastic step-daughters instead and I know I'm a better step-mother to them than I might have been if I hadn't had to struggle with my own mother. DH's father was disappointed in him, too, so we've always tried to show the girls that we're not disappointed in anything they do, but it didn't stop one of them going through her teenage years feeling that she'd let us down in some way. Is it just the way things are?

youarekidding · 31/07/2011 18:59

Oh many ways, many times.

It's been hard because she always treats me as the lower DD, (have a younger sister). However she completely refuses to accept, or ignores the fact my sister was, and in some ways still is a bully. She idolises her.

I have lost count of the number of times I've met people from my old school, so not friends as such, and they don't know who I am but if I say I'm X's sister they all remember her - and not in a good way.

It's nothing concrete, shes a very cleverly subtle woman, but it's the vibes of disappointment she can give.

Nothing as bad as most people here though.

DawnTiggaFashionGoddess · 31/07/2011 19:11

By breathing.

NotEveryoneHasHalfwayToReasonableParentsTiggaxx

pointydog · 31/07/2011 19:17

Disappointed my dad by:

  1. getting married
  2. getting pregnant soon afterwards
nightingale452 · 31/07/2011 19:25

I think I'll always be a disappointment to my mum. As the middle of 3 sisters I was the least academic, in a family where academic success was expected.

My older sister and I were quite into music/drama/dance etc, and Mum would only come to watch us if it was something she was interested in (i.e. she never saw me dance in a pantomime because she hated panto). When you came out saying excitedly 'did you enjoy it?', as you do when you're a kid, I'd get the reply 'you were....fine...no really, you were ok'. Needless to say I'm in the front row to watch my DDs being 2nd sheep or whatever in the school nativity and gushing over their performances.

To my mother anything less than perfect is a failure, I remember ringing my mum to hear an exam result I was away for and there was a pause then 'you only got a B' delivered as if I'd failed (I was quite pleased with the B!) I got distinction for a grade 8 music exam once (that's the highest mark you can get in the top exam) and it's about the only time I got praise, in fact she bragged about it to anyone who would listen. It's made me desperate to achieve throughout my life, which may of course be a good thing, but it's hard to please someone who considers 2nd place to be a failure.

DegreesCelcius · 31/07/2011 19:30

I don't think I ever disappointed my parents (as far as I know) but I do know that they never liked my husband (probably still don't)
I don't think they liked any of my sisters husbands either.
I suppose it's a case of nobody being good enough for their daughters.(in their opinion)

KeepingUpWithTheCojones · 31/07/2011 19:35

getting a first class degree Hmm apparently my average wasn't high enough.

I think that's the moment I realised nothing would ever be good enough for my father.

pointydog · 31/07/2011 19:39

oh lordy, celsius, that's familiar

Choccyhol10 · 31/07/2011 19:40

never spoke for 17 years. Never knew my father and was thrwon out for going to find him. She died a couple of years ago instructing my 7 brothers and sisters not to allow me to attend her funeral

janelikesjam · 31/07/2011 20:01

I don't think I was a disappointment to my mother - as she never had any expectations.

That might seem like a good thing. But the source of it is really a lack of interest, a lack of feeling, a lack of foresight as well as a lack of support.

I am amazed when middle class (or working class) parents put themselves out emotionally or financially for their teenage or older children as it is something completely alien to me; I was on my own in the world and living away from home by the age of 16.

disneystar1 · 31/07/2011 20:05

zukiecat im the same as you being born was my mistake they hated me then and despise me now sadly i was born 43 years ago as she tells me when i speak to her every 5 years now i was in the age of non abortions or she would have done it in a heartbeat............

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