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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask: How did you disappoint your parent/s?

228 replies

Countingwiththecount · 30/07/2011 17:06

I dropped out of uni after a year to 'reconsider'. My mum was so upset she declared the previous twenty years 'an utter failure' and held me personally responsible for gender inequality. To this day we are still nowhere near as close as before. Fortunately I have reached a stage in my life where I can accept this but I'd be v interested to hear other MNers experiences!

OP posts:
OnEdge · 30/07/2011 22:08

I went round to a neighbour and borrowed 11p to buy a creme egg. I was made to feel guilty all my life, and Mum told me last week when she was little she nicked a sweet out of a shop. I now feel a lot better after years of guilt, at least I had the decency to pay for mine !

OnEdge · 30/07/2011 22:09

I wasn't a Doctor

OnEdge · 30/07/2011 22:09

I packed in Violin

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 30/07/2011 22:12

Well I never got pregnant as a teenager, never did drugs or rolled in at 4am drunk, never had any involvement with the police, passed all my exams with good grades and never caused her a moments worry due to my behaviour.

But I'm still the cause of all her problems now because I moved out at 16 and so she missed out on my child benefit and any wages I earned. Therefore her current financial situation is my fault, nothing to do with the fact she has no financial management skills what so ever.

UndiscoveredApprentice · 30/07/2011 22:22

I am no longer a practicising Catholic, which I am suire deep down disappoints my parents.

bonnieslilsister · 30/07/2011 22:22

I stopped being a nun

bonnieslilsister · 30/07/2011 22:23

Ha Ha undiscovered I went one better than you!

rhetorician · 30/07/2011 22:26

turned out to be gay, failed to produce any genetically related grandchildren, wear 'unattractive' shoes, like to eat more than one chocolate, virtually everything about me seemingly...

pizzadelivery · 30/07/2011 22:28

By generally turning out to be one of life's underachievers, except in the field of fucking things up, in which I excel.
CRS

CRS, that's me to a tee.
My sister is perfect, wish we could swap.She is special and lovely all of the time, I hope if/when she has kids they love me as much as ds loves her!
Will be the bestest auntie ever!

fedupwithdeployment · 30/07/2011 22:36

25 years ago my mother said my O level results were the biggest disappointment of her life. I got 3As and 6Bs. I have never forgotten this, and nor has my brother who got slightly worse results (and failed woodwork!) She was really proud of him...Hmm

She was a bit odd and now I know a bit more about her life, it does explain things...but also tells me that my O level results were pretty unexciting compared with other things! She died about 15 years ago...I wonder from time to time how things would be if she were around but life goes on. And for the record, despite the O level results, it hasnt turned out too badly.

bonnieslilsister · 30/07/2011 22:40

fedupwithdeployment your results were very good you should be proud!

BuckBuckMcFate · 30/07/2011 22:40

Luckily I don't feel like I've disappointed my mum, if I have she has hidden it very well, she tells me a lot how fab I am Smile though I know she hates the smoking.

My dad, however, I think I first disappointed him when he realised that I knew more about the state of their marriage than he thought I should, when I was about 6.

When I was 12 they had a meeting with the school and were told how clever I was and I was an Oxbridge candidate in their opinion. Their marriage finally started to fall apart at that time too and the last thing I was concerned with was school. I rebelled tremendously and I look back on the girl that i was with a certain amount of pride because I was pretty fearless though self destructive at the same time.

I refused to tow the line with regards to my dads girlfriend, she was catholic, 20+ years younger than him and they told her family he'd never been married or had children and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy with thatHmm

When I told him I was pregnant with ds1 he said, I suppose congratulations are in order then.

He is an arse. I find it really hard to balance encouraging my dc with pressurising them and worry that I will make them feel that they're not good enough.

UndiscoveredApprentice · 30/07/2011 22:42

lol bonnie so you did ... none of my siblings are practicign either (from v churchy family) so at least I share the load.

bonnieslilsister · 30/07/2011 22:59

same here undiscovered.....mum told me once she was so sad she would be in heaven and all her children would be in hell.....doesn't sound very heavenish to me!

londoner01 · 30/07/2011 23:01

As much as i love my mum and am fortunate to have a good realtionship with her. she is an amazing, free babysitter, always desperate to come round and clean my house.

My mum was disappointed I wasn't the loud, confident, trendy, fashionable and star pupil type. From an early age she tried to get me into this mould by critisising, if not directly my every move..
from my appearance to my actions to comparing me with other children who she would say how wonderful they were.

I was a fairly attractive but very shy child whos confidence was so low it showed in my appearance and behaviour and in everything I did. My mum shoed clear frustration of this. - It was a cycle as this didnt help/caused my shyness...

She didnt realise her subtle comments and actions built up to what felt like a long supressing constant wish that I was the model daughter in her mind.
once I got through my 'awkward' teen years, got a bit more fashion sense and into boys, parties and alcohol, and got a lot more confidence and self belief in myself, i stood up to her and she showed a lot more pride and no longer crushed me so much.

I envy families where I see a mother who shows endless pride and love for her child and outwardly lets that child know how perfect and beautiful they are to her. I hope I am this mother to my girls and try my best.

O my mums disappointment did emerge when I changed my career plans during uni and didn't start off as a respectable primary teacher as I'd always said i wanted to be but started down the route of children's law and advocacy... I soon realised this chosen route wasnt for me and went back to primary teaching..so maybe mum was right!

Puffykins · 30/07/2011 23:10

I didn't read Maths or anything science-related at university (fortunately my younger sister did, so my father got over that one.)
I didn't marry Prince William (this disappointed my Grandmother more.)
I didn't marry anyone with a title (ditto.)
I only breastfed for three months (my mother was somewhat disappointed - she has selective amnesia and genuinely believes that we never had bottles, even though there are several photographs in evidence to disprove this!)
I have occasionally let DS sleep in my bed with me - he went through a two month period when he didn't want to sleep in his cot at all (my mother was horrified for the duration of this, and finally came to stay and sleep trained him into his cot herself. Perfect!)
We live in a flat in central London rather than a house with a garden (apparently DS is 'deprived'. My mother doesn't understand, apparently, about London property prices, and every time she comes to stay points out 5 million plus houses which 'look lovely, darling.')
My hair is blonde and my mother thinks that I should go back to my original colour and stop having highlights. My hair is naturally the same colour as my mother's. She is blonde, due to having highlights . . . . .
I use real medicine, rather than crystals, to 'heal' myself and DS. (Again, selective amnesia on my mother's part. And I get it much easier than my sister, who is a vet.)

RufusTFirefly · 30/07/2011 23:30

I disappointed my mother by being born at all. She hadn't wanted a second child.

By being born female - "If I had to have another child at all, I wanted a boy. I don't like girls." She was always asking me why I couldn't be more like my brother, instead of being "peCULiar" (that's how she said it).

By being a poor replacement for my dead sister, born two years before me (she only lived a couple of hours after birth). When I found out about her, I was thirteen. I found her death certificate in a drawer. When I cried for my unknown sister, mum sneered "I don't know what you are crying about. If she'd lived you wouldn't be here."

For being too like my father. She hated him, and she hated me. She thrived on chaos and uproar, and beat me because she enjoyed beating and I was too small to hit back.

For not giving a fuck about a clean house (still don't).

For not wanting to give her grandchildren to boast about. (I was married to the wrong man and had grave doubts about my ability as a mother. Also it turned out I have bipolar disorder. I think my decision was right.)

Even on her death bed she could squeeze out a word or two for the nurses, and a word or three for my brother. All I ever got was "Grrrrrrr". I was the one who'd propped her up, run around, listened to her whinging about everyone.......

I loved my dad but he disappointed me by not stopping my mother's abuse.

NotJustKangaskhan · 30/07/2011 23:40

This thread is really sad, but also makes me a bit happy knowing my parents aren't the only ones like this. I've known I was a disappointment to them as long as I can remember, nothing I do will make up for that image they built up in their heads that I didn't live up to, they seem to find more and more things to be disappointed in until I couldn't take it any more and cut off contact.

The most ridiculous was my mother being disappointed that I don't drink or smoke pot. To her, this is a personal insult on the way she enjoys herself and a sign I'm not right in the head if I'm worried about becoming an alcoholic just because she enjoys a drink (regardless that both of my siblings already had problems with alcohol before reaching legal age).

giraffesCantZumba · 30/07/2011 23:47
  • When I became anorexic
  • leaving uni half way through 3rd year so only got BA degree not B.Ed
DioneTheDiabolist · 30/07/2011 23:56

I didn't go to Uni after school, saying I didn't know what I wanted, but I could go back when I was older. Cue much eye rolling & disappointment.
Leaving my ExH. Cue much nagging & disappointment.
Now I'm older, getting a divorce, unemployed single mum, living in a council house in a rough neighbourhood.

But I am studying. And she is now proud and quite helpful, offering me money/to do my ironing/to decorate my DS's bedroom.

Weird.Confused

PerryCombover · 31/07/2011 00:04

not a barrister

hardcolin · 31/07/2011 00:06

I dropped out of Uni in my twenties, then met and travelled with a guy I fell in love with. My Dad has told me a few times he was disappointed in me for not seeing my true potential (I don?t know if that meant the studies or the guy, who I have since made a life with).

I now have a dd who is the apple of my father?s eye. I?m not sure if that has cancelled out any previous disappointment.
My mum has recently been through cancer surgery - I tell her and my Dad how much I love them every chance I get.

I'm Sad for those who don?t have a close bond with one or both parents. As independent as I am, I would be lost without mine especially my Mum.

Jynxed · 31/07/2011 00:12

Don't find the time to make my own replacement sofa covers, cranberry sauce, marmalade, clothes etc. etc. Don't keep the garden immacculate or the car spotlessly clean (or clean at all). Don't have any hobbies such as embroidery or flower arranging. I have 3DCs and a full time job, but my mum just cannot understand that I don't have any free time at all. She thinks I am just not good at managing my time, and I really could reupholster the chairs if I organised myself better. She also had 3 DCs and always had a full cooked meal put on the table for my father at 6pm every evening. The fact that we were at boarding school and she didn't work seems to have slipped her memory.

hardcolin · 31/07/2011 00:21

Just re-reading the posts...some are so Sad. I'm sorry.

My Grandmother - she is disappointed with me. I'm not anything like her, nor do I dress like her. Looking back I remember it always being this way. She used to tut at me a lot even though I've been quite happy just to be me.
Giving her a great-granddaughter hasn't changed her although she has mellowed with age.
I learnt early on that the first grandchild isn't always the favourite.

Ungratefulchild · 31/07/2011 00:22

I'm not thin enough (I'm a size 10).

I'm not a lawyer or doctor.

I don't agree with everything she says.

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