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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask: How did you disappoint your parent/s?

228 replies

Countingwiththecount · 30/07/2011 17:06

I dropped out of uni after a year to 'reconsider'. My mum was so upset she declared the previous twenty years 'an utter failure' and held me personally responsible for gender inequality. To this day we are still nowhere near as close as before. Fortunately I have reached a stage in my life where I can accept this but I'd be v interested to hear other MNers experiences!

OP posts:
Poweredbypepsi · 30/07/2011 17:07

wow, I think the worst i did was have children young (early 20s) instead of a career i dont have a very close relationship with my dad but dont know how much this affected it.

Poweredbypepsi · 30/07/2011 17:08

btw your mum was wrong there meant to add that after wow but somehow skipped it.

StealthPolarBear · 30/07/2011 17:09

messed around at university and did much worse than I could ahve done.
I wasn't mature enough, looking back, would have been better off working for a year

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 17:10

When my parents divorced I wouldn't take sides.

Awomancalledhorse · 30/07/2011 17:12

Not marrying a millionaire.
Mother refused to come to my wedding as she didn't approve of my choice of DH (she was only happy when I was dating rich men), we weren't really on speaking terms before & that was the final nail in the coffin.

MummyDoIt · 30/07/2011 17:12

I moved 250 miles away and have never really been forgiven for it. Instead of enjoying the times we do spend together, my mother spoils every occasion by being bitter about the fact that I don't live round the corner and we don't see each other every day. Her bitterness makes me less likely to want to visit so I spend less time with her which makes her more bitter. Vicious circle!

As a Yorkshire girl, I committed the heinous crime of marrying a Southerner. Mum never got on with DH and on the eve of our wedding she told me it wasn't too late to back out (we had two DSs by then!!). DH was a lovely man who worked hard and was devoted to his family - his only 'fault' was that he was southern!

CRS · 30/07/2011 17:12

By generally turning out to be one of life's underachievers, except in the field of fucking things up, in which I excel.

zukiecat · 30/07/2011 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mymumdom · 30/07/2011 17:16

My mother doesn't care that I went to uni, met a nice man, got married and produced grandchildren for her. I'm a disappointment to her because I'm fat. She considers it a personal insult as she spent many years trying to get me to diet/do exercise and lose weight.
Now I'm a double disappointment to her because I finally got sick of the abuse about my size and now only allow her written contact and I'm still fat. Wink

TattyDevine · 30/07/2011 17:20

I moved to the other side of the world and produced the only 2 grandchildren she was ever likely to have, until my brother recently announced he's having one (well his girlfriend is anyway) which we are all delighted about and hey it sort of takes the pressure off me (though he is a 5 hour flight away from her so not great)

I also dissapointed her by not reaching my "full predicted adult height" potential which was apparently going to be 6 foot 4 based on the fact that I was 3 foot 2 when I was 2 years old or something. Instead I am a rather humble 5 foot 5 Grin but I'm kinda glad about that truth be told!

AgentZigzag · 30/07/2011 17:20

I gave my mum my opinion when I knew she wouldn't like it.

Three years on without contact and she's only just got through the angry stage.

What a waste.

Original poster
Countingwiththecount · 30/07/2011 17:42

Oh Tatty, Jesus.... I forgot about that one. I only reached five foot three despite having predicted height of five nine.

Interesting reading everyone!

OP posts:
ragged · 30/07/2011 18:00

I didn't have a boyfriend at age 16.
As a teen or ever, really, I didn't care about clothes, makeup, parties or how I looked.
I didn't give them enough to brag about to their friends.
I didn't take sides in my parents' divorce (my mother objected to that).

But mostly by the age of 30 they were okay with me. Still bewildered but accepting. My dad is bummed that I moved 4500 miles away, but he would never pull a guilt trip about it.

Mandy2003 · 30/07/2011 18:00

Smoking.

My Dad's parents both smoked, his father died from emphysema. Smoking did not kill my grandmother but she was never 100% well.

I smoked from the age of 14 to 46, my mother never knew I gave up as she passed away in 2004. My Dad can't believe I gave up!

Same as Tatty and Counting - Dad 6'5", Mum 5'5" and I'm only 5'3" Grin

Geepers · 30/07/2011 18:02

I was one big disappointment. My mother made no secret of the fact that she wished she had never had children.

Spuddybean · 30/07/2011 18:02

The current disappointment in which i have ruined their lives is that my DP is allergic to animals. This means we cant go round there house which is covered in dog hair and rarely cleaned . My parents feel personally affronted by this. They love their animals so much, they refuse to believe anyone else wont or cant do so also.

Last week my dad said again (ongoing conversation now for 2 years!) 'when is DP going to sort this out and get it cured' i said he couldn't and in all possibility any dc's we have could also be allergic so they would have to get used to the idea of visiting us or meeting out, he went mad shouting 'thats nice for us isn't it - so we'll never see our gc's' and 'i cant believe how selfish you are by doing this to us' etc.

I try to point out there isn't a check list when you fall in love with someone and even if there were, 'not liking my parents dogs' would not be one of my dealbreakers!.

(they are narcissists by the way)

catgirl1976 · 30/07/2011 18:02

Erm.. AWFUL teenager, drugs, boys the lot. That was hard on them.

Then Uni. First off caused a god awful ruckus by going to York.

Then took 5 years and 3 different universities to actually get round to graduating.

We are fine now as I did grow up eventually.

reelingintheyears · 30/07/2011 18:05

I got expelled from boarding school for smoking.

My Dad never really forgave me.

Meh.

He smoked too,the old hypocrite.

emptyshell · 30/07/2011 18:08

I'm overweight - she's said to me from a very early age that "you'd be really pretty if you weren't so fat"
I went into teaching and not the political-admin type post she saw me in
I went to the university I wanted to go to, and I chose to live in halls and not at home
I don't let her in on my feelings, I keep her at arms length - because she'd use any knowledge to manipulate me - she sees that as a rejection of her and ingratitude for my gift of life
I moved away from the home town I hated to a place where I'm happy - she sees that as rejection of her and everything she stands for
I'm my own person - she really cannot deal with that, I was always the high-flier but never at the top (I was the 95% in a test kid and not the 100% - she was disappointed for that - she fined me for every C I got in my GCSEs) - and yet she's disappointed I'm anxious, scared to fail and highly strung as a consequence of the pressure put on me growing up.

Oh, and I can't produce the required grandchildren - therefore I'm just unworthy of existence. The definition of a worthy child in my family is one that makes cups of tea without being asked (I make a shit cuppa) and produces grandchildren - I failed utterly.

I can't blame her - her mother was a shit mother - the cycle of shit, manipulative and narcissistic parenting is passed down our incredibly toxic family - she even attempts to keep me and my brother distant from each other so we can't compare notes and clarify lies we were told growing up (thankfully she doesn't understand MSN muahahahah). For a good decade, until I met hubby, I vowed to break the cycle, to kill off the family tree and unhappiness and never to have kids - life looks like it took that choice for me in the end.

I've driven home from family visits in tears at why doesn't she love me several dozen times, yet at times she can be a lovely caring mum - you just never know which one you're going to get. I dread visits home - I'm closer to my mother-in-law than my own mother.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 30/07/2011 18:10

This thread is so Sad

AwesomePan · 30/07/2011 18:13

I gave up a 'nice job with prospects' that I was miserable doing, and started working in a hostel for the homeless, which was something that made me happy.

My father's repsonse was "But it isn't a proper job, is it?".

iamnotsuperwoman · 30/07/2011 18:15

I travelled, went to uni, settled down and had 2 wonderful, happy, well-balanced kids, am still married to their father and we both have good jobs.

I'm not sure why a mother wouldn't be happy with this but mine isn't. I think she is disappointed as I am not particularly 'needy' like my siblings and she has no power over me.
:(

Mothergrimm · 30/07/2011 18:16

Emptyshell your name says it all. Reading your post has made me feel really sad. Thank god for your mother in law.

TheFeministsWife · 30/07/2011 18:16

My is great really, I don't think I've ever disappointed her, or if I have she's never shown it.

My dad, well.... Going to 6th form to resit some of my GCSEs instead of getting a job the minute I left school. Getting with DH when he already had a child, moving in with DH when I was only 17, staying with DH as my dad sees him as a loser with no earning potential. Being fat. I think the one thing I've done that pleases him is give him grandchildren. And although he clearly shows him disappointment he still helps me out immensely.

CurlyBoy · 30/07/2011 18:20

More ways than I can count...

The one which made me realise they had no grasp of reality is when they threw a complete wobbler when I shaved off my sideburns at around 15. My hair was completely normal apart from that. I just thought sideburns were stupid. They reacted like I had gotten a purple mohawk or something!

What else? Going for an art degree. Not becoming a "business man". Having long hair. Not having a "proper" wedding. The list goes on and on.

I have reconciled with my mum, though it's pretty easy after I moved 4000 miles across the Atlantic. I haven't spoken to my dad since 1996.