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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask: How did you disappoint your parent/s?

228 replies

Countingwiththecount · 30/07/2011 17:06

I dropped out of uni after a year to 'reconsider'. My mum was so upset she declared the previous twenty years 'an utter failure' and held me personally responsible for gender inequality. To this day we are still nowhere near as close as before. Fortunately I have reached a stage in my life where I can accept this but I'd be v interested to hear other MNers experiences!

OP posts:
allhailtheaubergine · 30/07/2011 20:29

I am dull, sensible Saffy to my mother and father's Edina.

DontCallMePeanut · 30/07/2011 20:46

Dropped out of university after realising I hateded everything the course stood for. Luckily, I'm now back at university, so they've forgiven me, it seems.

Got diagnosed with depression. Mum dismissed this as me being "silly", despite the fact it was common in our family.

Suffer from trichotillomania, so used to seeing a wave of disgust over my mother's face everytime I pull a hair out.

chose to breastfeed DS, against Mum's wishes. She still hasn't forgiven me for that...

Must be more... a lot more...

Oooh, high school, I was an undiagnosed dyspraxic. Instead of being offered help in managing homework, I was just shouted at and grounded for not doing it on time, or taking the wrong books to lessons.

GeraldineAubergine · 30/07/2011 21:04

I feel like a disappointment to my mum all the time because I could never be half the person she was when when alive. She died when I was 23 and I don't think one day has gone by since she died where I have not regretted the time I wasted without her when she was here.

DontCallMePeanut · 30/07/2011 21:07

Geraldine, I'm sure that if she was here now, she'd tell you you were anything BUT a disappointment.

MissVerinder · 30/07/2011 21:09

Ran away from home at 18 with a man old enough to be my father. Older then my father in fact.

Had a couple of relationships she didn't approve of.

Left my husband and was pregnant by another man (my DP) within 3 months.

Didn't go to University (although I really really should have :()

However, she has never vocalised said disappointments, and she's pretty darn cool. Loves her DG to bits :) and is good to me.

TheDeathlyMarshmallows · 30/07/2011 21:12

I am a girl when my father wanted a boy - and I required looking after rather than being some sort of doll so my Mum's attentions weren't entirely on him.

He seemed to get over it by the time my sisters and brother were born and was OK with them.

Me - he beat and mentally abused until I moved out (to go to University). If I ever dared counter him telling me how shit I was by telling him that others liked me, he would always say "They only like you because they don't know you well enough to hate you yet"

Lovely man. Can't imagine why I have chosen not to see him since I moved out.

My Mum would rather I wasn't so fat and had a career rather than being a SAHM and my PIL would rather I was some kind of 1950's housewife/Stepford wife rather than having any opinions or life outside of housekeeping but they pale into insignificance in comparison.

otchayaniye · 30/07/2011 21:19

I disappointed my mother by getting into Oxford. I disappoint her now by not earning $$$$$

I disappointed my father by not getting a job at Goldman Sachs.

Bizarre as they were two hippies when they had me.

2old2beamum · 30/07/2011 21:20

PINKSCHMOO (can't do bold letters-too old) We all must survive for our children but thankyou, I can be a grumpy old cow!
OP thanks for opening a can of worms it has been cathartic. xx

Yama · 30/07/2011 21:20

Jesus Christ - there are some really shitty parents out there.

Can I balance by saying that it doesn't really matter what I or my sibling do/did in life, my parents will always be proud of us? I intend for my dc to feel this secure about my love for them.

Yama · 30/07/2011 21:21

siblings

HSMM · 30/07/2011 21:21

Only had one child ( I think I was supposed to have 6).

Cracked my skull open in a horse riding accident, when I was 'supposed' to go to Uni.

Jacked in my fantastic management role, to become a Childminder.

They still love me dearly, even though I evidently didn't reach my full potential. I was apparently the 'bright' sibling and destined to go far ..... (joined Mensa to keep them quiet).

thingamajig · 30/07/2011 21:30

I think it was when I realised she was disappointed in me for not finding a cure for AIDS (yes, really) that I stopped caring and started laughing. It still gets to me when I am low, but I try to tell myself that the disappointment is hers, and I am just me.

DontCallMePeanut · 30/07/2011 21:35

My mother can't tell any of us that she's proud of us individually. I only found out that she's proud of me today, after speaking to DSil, who said that whilst they were visiting her, Mum had been singing my praises. Dad is more open with his feelings.

Minshu · 30/07/2011 21:39

This thread is really sad.

I think I did disappoint them by changing universtities during my first year, but they never let on. My Mum has since passed on, but made it clear she was proud before she died. She always encouraged me and my brother to be our own people, rather than expecting us to fulfill any of her unrealised ambitions.

I intend to let my DD (and any future DCs) make her own decisions and know that I am proud of her whenever I can.

LittleWhiteWolf · 30/07/2011 21:42

I am too like her, apparently. And she loathes herself. I grew up with her telling me how I was so clever and so pretty and so wonderful, yet in the same breath she would take away any compliment or positive reinforcement by liking me to her and going on about what a fuck up she was. She was always very hard on me and I always felt like a failure so I stopped trying and felt like a failure anyway. I have talked to her about this since, but downplayed just how fucked up it made me. I dropped out of uni and cried for weeks before I even confessed to my mum that that was my intention.

Conversely my sister is a typical high-maintainance overachiever, most likely because my mother didn't worry about pushing her and focussed all her energy on me. Which lead to my sister resenting me for a long time. Even now if we talk about our childhood she hold every single fight or argument or cross word said in our house against me. So there, I disappointed my sister, too. Do I win?

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 30/07/2011 21:45

I was always billed as "Bright but a bit lax" when it came to school - At the parents evening previous to my GCSEs my parents were told I'd get straight As - cue results day, 2Bs, 6Cs and a D (Not tooooooo bad) - My Mum cried (Never seen this before) and went on to scream "I am more upset today than the day my father died"

I will without doubt never forget or forgive her for saying that, I had tried as hard as I could for the exams but it turned out my teachers had told most of the parents their daughters could get these results so that they would spur us on.

My brother went on to fail most of his GCSEs and was rewarded with a holiday abroad with his friends - He has now resat his Math FOUR times and still hasn't passed, we're not allowed to talk about it though - Just incase he gets upset [hates her brother emoticon]

fidelma · 30/07/2011 21:47

Very Sad thread.

I love my mum for who she is.(she is fantastic)

I moved to be close to her.

I hope to have the same relationship with all my 4dc

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 30/07/2011 21:47

We are very close now but she is still snide with her remarks regarding my weight, my house and my family - Everything she says is gospel and anyone who says different is always wrong - I probably shouldn't have opened this thread, I can feel a can of worms bubbling up from my insides ha ha

MrsBloomingTroll · 30/07/2011 21:51

I was an angel baby, high-achiever, Oxbridge graduate, good career, bought a house, got married, produced their only grandchildren, good pension and savings, own our own cars outright.

All very different to my younger sister: unambitious, prefers the quiet life, not getting married to long-term boyfriend, not having kids, questionable finances.

In spite of this, my parents can't seem to get over the fact that DH and I like to enjoy the fruits of our labour by a) living in a nice house with nice things and b) spending some of our money to have a good time as well as saving a good chunk of it. They simply have no concept of how much DH and I earn/have earned and must think we are deeply in debt to finance our (and partly their - holidays at least) lifestyle. Apparently we should be living in sackcloth and ashes. Our material success seems to make them deeply uncomfortable. So WTF was the point of pushing me to succeed academically?

ShellyBoobs · 30/07/2011 21:51

I disappointed my parents by not going straight to uni after A-levels. That would be a fair enough thing to be disappointed about had it been financially viable at the time but my parents were extremely poor and they had made it clear they couldn't help me. Confused

I went straight out to work after A-levels and worked full time while doing my degree, so I got there eventually and have been succesful in my career. That hasn't curbed my mother's disappointment, however, as I had friends/peers who she thought I should have 'out shone'.

Other than that, my parents have been pretty satisfied with my life, which is nice for them. Hmm

I feel quite lucky actually, having read some of the post sin this thread. Parents can be awfully cruel to their offspring. Sad

doncaster1 · 30/07/2011 21:55

I married someone mum didn't really approve of and tbh she was right. I am now starting to wish I had listened. Although I do have 3 lovely dc out of it so all is not lost.

happybubblebrain · 30/07/2011 21:57

Well, there was never any pleasing mine, at 39 I'm almost past caring, it's been a long hard road to get to this point though.

dontcallmenymphadora · 30/07/2011 21:59

I didn't become a doctor Sad

Ophuchi · 30/07/2011 22:03

I disappointed my mum by not staying in my town of birth, and NOT getting pregnant to a local lad at 16 (and giving resulting children chavvy names!)

She honestly is gutted that I have moved away, really doesn't like my DH and was disappointed that it took me until the (ancient) age of 27 to have our one and only child (so far). She is now, despite being utterly crap through my teenage years, a very supportive mother and loving granny :)

Firkytoodle · 30/07/2011 22:06

I am overweight and frumpy
I am a SAHM
I am not a domestic goddess
I have a degree in something I love rather than something 'useful' and I 'have never used it'.
I didn't push my DS enough as a baby and he was 'worryingly under stimulated'.
I let my DD be a tomboy and don't force her into skirts and princess costumes.
I don't ring my dad enough....wonder why that is.......

Luckily my mum and parents in law think that the sun shines out of my backside so more positives than negatives.