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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want DH to not be "catching up on podcasts" while out with 1yo DS

73 replies

marimo · 27/07/2011 13:38

DH just left house with D'S to give me a break - hurrah!, v grateful, etc - but then he popped back in to get his headphones and my heart sank a bit. DS has outward facing pram and presumably it's just for when DH is pushing it but when I'm out with DS I'm interruptible and always kind of "tuned in" to DS. Can't work out whether I'm just jealous DH has found a way to keep up with his interests since DS and I absolutely haven't or whether it's my gut instinct telling me it's slightly unfair on DS to have his dad zoned into football...stuff.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/07/2011 13:40

YABU - outfacing pram so no eye contact going on anyway - as long as DS is safe and happy does it really matter what your DH is zoned into??

Unfair on DS?? Dont think he could care to be honest!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 13:41

YABU. DH is multitasking. Watch and learn?

Original poster

marimo · 27/07/2011 13:42

Ok, cool. And if it was a childminder, that would be okay,too?

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/07/2011 13:46

Why not?? I wouldnt have had a prob with cm pushing DS whilst listening to football. As long as he was safe and she was aware of traffic etc then what is the harm..........is he supposed to be reciting the alphabet or teaching DS mathematics then - what do you want him to do whilst pushing a pram.

Yep, he is just multi tasking and you are fed up you didnt think of it first...bet you are looking for your mp3 player right now arent you

Poweredbypepsi · 27/07/2011 13:47

i listen to music on my ipod while pushing the pram i dont see the problem if the child is settled and happy.

Butterbur · 27/07/2011 13:48

YANBU. How many mothers do this, while their child is awake? Not many I reckon. Why should it be different for fathers?

Children want to talk to their mother/father even when they're facing away, and I always talked to mine constantly about where we were going/what we could see. He's opting out of his responsibilities big time here.

Original poster

marimo · 27/07/2011 13:49

I have podcast envy, it's true. He's going on the bus, too, and - I dunno - I always feel like there are little snippets of socialisation that go on in these situations but clearly I am PFB to the max on this one...oh the shame!

OP posts:

vmcd28 · 27/07/2011 13:50

A childminder doesnt spend up to 24hrs a day with kids, so it's not the same thing. And tbh, it would actually be fine if it was a childminder taking them for a walk. Not in their house, as they should be keeping an eye on lots of kids.

genuine questions -
What do you think will happen when he's wearing headphones? Is it cos you think your DS might cry or something, and DH wouldnt hear him?
And why is it unfair on DS?
Is your DH meant to chat to him/engage with him every single second theyre together?

Youve got some peace, and he's being a nice dad. But it sounds a bit like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesnt.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 27/07/2011 13:52

YABU. Your DS doesn't need constant attention babies need some time to watch the world go by and just be.

eurochick · 27/07/2011 13:54

YABU. Why shouldn't he do this?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 13:56

Have you never chatted on your mobile whilst walking along with the pram? Been deep in conversation with a friend? Just been lost in your own thoughts, humming a tune or something?

VeronicaCake · 27/07/2011 13:56

YABU.

Assuming your DH is still safe to walk whilst listening to his ipod and assuming your ds is happy being pushed around I can't see what the problem is. Honestly he is sensible to make the most of this bit because once they start wanting to walk everywhere you won't know a minute's peace whilst out and about (though they get better at entertaining themselves at home so it balances out in the end).

I agree with you about the snippets of socialisation but unless your son is preternaturally well behaved I can't imagine your DH will manage to totally zone out whilst he is on the bus!

Original poster

marimo · 27/07/2011 13:57

I suppose I hate the thought that DS might want to be saying/communicating something and DH's mind might be elsewhere. And I don't think it's so much that that bothers me as the mentality that goes with it...that being with DS doesn't really need his full attention. Perhaps I feel a bit insulted by that, because it's like he can do plate spinning far better than I can. Or perhaps it's because it then puts more pressure on me when I'm with DS to be the always-tuned-in one. I think your comments about damned if he does/doesn't are very perceptive, vmcd28! I don't know...

OP posts:

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 27/07/2011 13:59

Sorry but you do sound a bit PFB.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 14:00

Unless your 1yo is very unusual, the only 'communication' in the pram will involve a bit of random smiling and gurgling, probably followed by a long sleep. When you say you're expected to be 'always tuned in' ... do you feel pressurised in some way to respond to his every move?

BertyBurlington · 27/07/2011 14:01

half the people i see with buggies etc are glued to their mobile phones anyway and oblivious of if the kid is ok or not

one i saw the other day couldnt even stop blabbing on phone long enough to steer the buggy across a very busy road, she tried to do it one handed and it nearly tipped over

hayleysd · 27/07/2011 14:03

I am a Childminder and have kids for 24 hours a day 7 days a week, I work 12 hour days 5 of them then still have my own kids so some do have them 24 hours a day! I wouldn't feel safe pushing the pram with headphones on as you couldn't hear anything around you, I followed a bike the other day and the rider had headphones on luckily I spotted he had as he just pulled out in front of me over the road as I was turning the corner, I don't get a break to do stuff like that til my kids are in bed and by then I'm too tired to watch tv!!

IvyAndGold · 27/07/2011 14:04

YANBU I don't think. I will only put my headphones in if DD is asleep while we're on the bus. I would hate it if she was trying to talk to me or get my attention, and I'm too busy listening to music looking out of the window. I find it more infuriating that if we all go out for lunch, DP insists on bringing his book and just sits silently and reads

vmcd28 · 27/07/2011 14:04

I'm not sure why it's insulting to you if he does this - different parenting styles, thats all it is. It doesnt mean he cares about your DS less.
And if youre like us, you WILL always be the one who has to be more tuned in etc. My DH does some bloody stupid things at times, and I do sometimes feel like I have 3 kids, not 2 kids and a DH.... I know this is my experience, tho, I'm not saying all DHs are the same! Just that there has to be a compromise - there will be things you end up ALWAYS doing (in my case it's getting school uniform/pack lunches ready etc), and DH wouldnt think to help. There are other things that he always does. It doesnt mean one of us is doing it better ir worse than the other. Although my DH is definitely damned if he does or doesnt some days.

Original poster

marimo · 27/07/2011 14:05

Oh, how I wish he'd have a long sleep in a pram! No, I don't feel pressurised to respond to his every move. But I do feel pressurised to be ummm always THERE, mentally. I'd be very glad to have this way of thinking challenged...

OP posts:

whackamole · 27/07/2011 14:06

YABU. And you would probably have chased me with a stick last week when I went for a walk in the park with DTS in the buggy. They were asleep, I was reading my Kindle. Naughty.

If DH was taking him out in the car would you not allow him to have a radio on? Is he not allowed the TV on when DS is in the room? Everything is a potential distraction.

vmcd28 · 27/07/2011 14:06

"so some do have them 24 hours a day!"
Hayley, sorry I didnt mean that childminders had an easy life. I more meant that sometimes a parent needs to chill for a bit, whether the child is with them or not.

eurochick · 27/07/2011 14:06

You sound like you could do with taking a leaf out of your husband's book and chilling out a bid. You sound rather...uptight.

DogsBestFriend · 27/07/2011 14:06

Your son is ONE for goodness sakes! He's hardly likely to be discussing the state of the economy with his father and I'm sure that his own dad is capable of responding if DS is upset/hungry/whatever.

It's not as if his father is an absent parent who only sees DS for an hour a week. The man has plently of opportunity to interact with his son, doing so when the child has his back to dad and is watching the world go by is not necessary!

And yes, this mother would and has done the same and would have no issue with a childminder/grandparent/anyone else doing it either.

whackamole · 27/07/2011 14:08

And hayleysd that is the reason if I was to be listening to my iPod I wouldn't have the sound all the way up. I'm not a teenager anymore either, I'd like to keep my eardrums intact.

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