...to want DH to not be "catching up on podcasts" while out with 1yo DS

[marimo]

DH just left house with D'S to give me a break - hurrah!, v grateful, etc - but then he popped back in to get his headphones and my heart sank a bit. DS has outward facing pram and presumably it's just for when DH is pushing it but when I'm out with DS I'm interruptible and always kind of "tuned in" to DS. Can't work out whether I'm just jealous DH has found a way to keep up with his interests since DS and I absolutely haven't or whether it's my gut instinct telling me it's slightly unfair on DS to have his dad zoned into football...stuff.

I don't think you are being totally unreasonable and you are doing a good job of taking the criticisms on the chin here, so you can't be terribly highly strung.

I don't see a problem with a parent doing this occasionally if they spend a lot of time with their child. But I think I would feel a bit miffed if they have very little time together and that time was spent plugged into a podcast.

Marimo, I have the same internal dialogue. My daughter is 2 and a half now and she talks constantly, and DH is quite good at tuning her out, and it drives me completely bonkers. I do know, on some level, that she doesn't need me to listen and respond to every single insane thing that comes out of her mouth, but the idea of not being mentally there for her all the time just seems wrong. And I wouldn't ignore an adult that was talking to me, would I?

So it annoys me when DH does ignore her. I know she talks constantly. I know a lot of it is repetitive. I know that she gets sufficient interaction from us both that she doesn't need 100% all the time. But...it's so rude! You wouldn't go out for a walk with an adult and listen to an iPod, would you? So why is it alright when it's a child?

I'm sure I'm unreasonable as well. But you're not alone!

YANBU. I don't like this either. It just says you've tuned everyone else out and aren't interested. And I say this as someone who spent the first 30 years of her life with earphones stuck in her ears.

YANBU. This is why we always kept the buggy rear facing unless we were somewhere like the zoo. I like to chat to my babies as I walk with them.

I am not a parent who constantly moves their child from one activity to another and we have plenty if downtime, but once a child is awake in the pushchair then you should be 'mentally there' as you call it.
DS1 is brilliant at amusing himself, he can play alone for an hour or more aged just 3. His language is also fantastic.

I agree entirely with what you say about DH being tuned out meaning you need to be more tuned in. I get annoyed when DH uses TV too much when he's in charge at weekends, because it makes me feel more pressure to keep the amount DS1 watches right down during the week - which is harder when there is only one of you in the house and there are jobs to be done.
He doesn't do it that often any longer because he has come round to my way of thinking

I think this has been quite interesting.

Thing is, as others have picked up on, I have not really been great at letting DH parent in his own way (although thinking about it, it's very helpfully similar to my way) so when it comes to little niggly things like this I never know whether it's fair for me to "suggest" (!!) he changes things (hence my first foray into AIBU).

Thinking about it now, it does seem a daft thing to really put my foot down about anyway. I mean, how many minutes of DS's life are we talking about here?

BUT, having said that, I think in any case it's more what was underlying DH's headphone thingy that worried me ie: am I the only one thinking about these things (speech development, socialisation, etc). I think a lot of mothers have that head-doing feeling that the buck always stops with them, no matter how involved or brilliant their DP/DH is. My DH definitely seems to have this sheen of "yeah, just a dad now, cool, tra la la" and it perhaps hides how much he is really thinking about DS and I should give him more credit. And, yes, learn from him and relax a bit myself!

I think there would be other areas that I'd see as more clean cut - like if DH always had the TV on around DS, never read him a book, never played with him, etc. Still would rather he didn't put his headphones in, either, but I reckon he'll, ahem, grow out of it in a few months anyway as DS becomes more toddlerish.

Thank you all for your comments.

My main concern would be that your DH couldn't hear what was going on around him. This goes for when anyone is wandering around with earphones, not just people with prams. It annoys me at running races when people can't hear you coming so don't move aside.

Helpful tip: if you have the volume low enough, you can still hear the word(s) and babbling, and you can see the little arm flung out to point at things - so you just say 'Yes, I know!' or a spontaneous 'Look DS, a bus!' etc. means you've got both bases covered.

It's not at all the same as wearing headphones with an adult as they would know; toddlers/babies are in blissful ignorance. Plus, for me, it was a bit of a reconnect with my pre-DCs life to listen to a choon or two, and it meant I could do a good half-hour yomp and get some exercise. I tend to walk faster to music.

I'm not sure you're right about 'a lot of mothers' being worried about the buck stopping with them. My DS's dad is a totally different person to me. If listening to headphones whilst pushing a pram makes you this bloke would make your hair curl, I promise :) Think 'Jeremy Clarkson but not quite so sensible'. But, funnily enough, all the mad antics are just part of who he is and part of why DS is like he is.... genetically as well as developmentally. I stand back, bite my tongue, sit on my hands, or whatever the right action is.... have plenty of sticking plasters at the ready (for dad rather than DS), resist the temptation to shout 'BE CAREFUL' every 10 seconds, and so far everyone's still alive and has a great relationship.

Glad you're learning to relax. It's the only way, really :)

Fair enough if the child is asleep but if they are awake i personally think that your DH should be talking/interacting with the child - pointing out things they see, counting red cars etc! That's just my opinion and I would be mad with my DH for even contemplating this!!

think ur bu - ur not in charge of how he takes his son for a walk... its good that parents are not carbon copies of each other but do things differently.. re last poster - yep babies need to be interacted with but not continuously - they need to be left to sit and look around too...

YANBU. I noticed this when my son was very small and I would take him to the park. Often, when "dads" were there, they would be doing something on their Ipods or constantly on their mobiles, basically anything to avoid giving attention or even noticing their child/children. I guessed that these fathers were doing the minority of the childcare and still couldn't take an interest, which was depressing to me anyway. So, I understand, OP, where you are coming from. I think the posters, by the way, calling you uptight are being incredibly rude and insensitive. You are just "tuned" into your child/ren, which is a very positive thing, and find it hard to imagine why your husband is tuning out.

PFB. If you were so concerned with social interaction with your DS he would be in a rear-facing buggy.
"uninterruptible and tuned into DS" really? You need a break, and maybe DS needs some less intense time.

Okay maybe that was a bit harsh of me, but DS will benefit from relaxed time with his dad. On the plus side at least dad is taking him out headphones or not to give you a break. Enjoy the time alone, have a bath, pamper yourself for an hour.

Blimey, I know it's AIBU, but why is there so much harsh and/or rude posting going on these days? Why can't people make their point without having a go or getting personal?

I have posted before about 'phonesitting' - term my DH came up with - to describe the phenomenon you see of dads who are out at the park etc with the kids but clearly feel they've made all the effort needed simply by being there, and then spend the whole time chatting/playing games on their iPhones. Regardless of all the 'I'm hard, me' posts here from mothers who claim to have their own headphones on all the time, it is mostly men you see doing this, ie tuning out from the kids, and women who are talking to them and paying close attention. Why is this accepted as being fine for dads when mums in general clearly don't feel it's fine for them? Janelikesjam totally agree with you!

Lots of assumptions made by the harsher posts here too that the OP's child 'needs more relaxed time' (ie being ignored) without any evidence that he does. So, with that in mind, I'd like to ask the OP: who spends more time with your son, overall? Do you both work full-time, or are you a SAHM, or something else? Because I could be wrong, but this sounds to me like it would be less of a problem if your DH spent plenty of the rest of his time with DS fully interacting with him. I suspect that you are annoyed by this because it feels as if this is the main bit of time that your DH has one-on-one with your DS, and rather than concentrating 'properly', he is doing something else. Am I right? I'm quite prepared to be corrected. And as if you hadn't guessed, I think YANBU.

What are you supposed to do when your children are at the park EightiesChick? Follow them around, shouting encouragement?

I always wore headphone when I was pushing DS around when he was a baby. I listen to the radio in the car when I'm driving. I do turn it down if he says something but often he's zoned out staring out of the window. I'm sure if your DS wants to attract your DH's attention, he will be able to. You can turn ipods off fairly easily.

YANBU I think. If you had posted saying that this was the norm for both of you as parents, I think you'd be hearing lots of wailing about speech delay and social skills. Obviously if both parents always plugged in and ignored the baby when out and about, it would be a different story. So how come DH gets to do it as standard?
It feels like DH has used up all the plugged in allowance and you're resenting that he wastes his time with DS by using the headphones, and that if he does, on some level you can't, IYSWIM.

Argh, this thread is really winding me up. Not the OP so much - you've taken criticism well! - but the gist of lots of the posts.

Pfb to the max!

Parenting is tough enough, without over-attentive, helicopter-hovering over babies and toddlers, never giving self permission to zone out or - heaven forbid - do something for yourself while kid is conscious. Surely it's the way to madness!

Also the "buck stops with me", mother-knows-better-than-father philosophy. Too much pressure on woman, loss of self etc, and undermining for the blokes.

Maybe the seemingly inattentive, "phone-sitting" dads have it right! maybe they've been up since 4am. And so what if, at that moment, they just can't be arsed? Smug couples will observe and judge them and pat selves on back for their superior high-intensity parenting skills?

Is like those old (70s?) Shirley Hughes books - kids left to own devices while mum talks to friends / dad reads paper.

I do agree though that general inattentiveness is not ideal. And I didn't listen to headphones when am out because of safety ( had a couple of near misses on roads when dd1 was tiny and was sleep-deprived).

I don't think it's so much the listening to something else. As I said above, I was glued to my walkman/iPod for most of my life. It's what it represents. It shows a complete detachment from the outside world and when that outside world includes your young child, whom you have responsibility for at that moment, it's not a good look. It's not about what's actually playing in your ears.

I remember being told off my my parents for wearing the earphones even when the music was switched off, because it looked rude to whoever we were with.

" once a child is awake in the pushchair then you should be 'mentally there'.....DS1 is brilliant at amusing himself, he can play alone for an hour or more aged just 3. His language is also fantastic."

Seriously?!

What do you mean - seriously?

That was largely in response to people who were suggesting that toddlers wouldn't learn to amuse themselves if you engage with them all the time when you are pushing them along.

wow, i always listen to podcasts when i'm pushing dd (6 months) around the village! SHe's watching the world go by and then will hopefully sleep, i get some time to myself (well, sort of).

I don't when i have ds as well because he's 3 and obviously i need to play with him.

I recommend Simon mayo and Mark kermode's film review podcast. Ver, ver funny

I wouldn't do this and would be if DH did it. Assuming this is one of the few times DH has with DS alone, it would be nice to think they were interacting, or at the very least that the potential to interact was there. Not expecting them to be discussing Shakespeare or anything but saying the odd thing and being able to hear a response.

Plus, not sure anyone has yet mentioned the safety aspect - just this morning I was pushing DS in his pram down a street and heard a motor bike coming out very fast from a driveway exit which was obscured by a big bush. If I'd had earphones in I'm not sure I would have seen it in time.

Safety aspect? If the dad is listening to a football pod-cast (speech commentary, bit of cheering) it's not like he's got Black Sabbath pumping into his ears to the exclusion of all else.

I still can't get over the comments about listening on headphones being somehow disrespectful when walking your dog

I wouldnt worry about it, he may end up not listening much, like when my dh took my kids to playgroup with a couple of computer magazines under his arm, after I had surgery. He didnt get to read them!