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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want DH to not be "catching up on podcasts" while out with 1yo DS

73 replies

marimo · 27/07/2011 13:38

DH just left house with D'S to give me a break - hurrah!, v grateful, etc - but then he popped back in to get his headphones and my heart sank a bit. DS has outward facing pram and presumably it's just for when DH is pushing it but when I'm out with DS I'm interruptible and always kind of "tuned in" to DS. Can't work out whether I'm just jealous DH has found a way to keep up with his interests since DS and I absolutely haven't or whether it's my gut instinct telling me it's slightly unfair on DS to have his dad zoned into football...stuff.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 14:08

YABU. Sorry I agree with some others that you sound a bit PFB.

Children don't need entertainment/interaction 24 hours a day you know. Your PFB won't wither away from just sitting back and taking the world in without a running commentary for a while Smile

Original poster
marimo · 27/07/2011 14:09

I suppose it feels a bit insulting because the subtext is "oh, all that paying-full-attention to the DS you do...so unnecessary! Just get on with your life!"

HAS it been unnecessary, all along? It comes down to balance, no doubt.

Micro-parenting? Moi?

OP posts:
HorridCold · 27/07/2011 14:10

YANBU

I can't imagine listening to music/Ipod when I'm out with DD in the pushchair. I suppose it depends on the age of the child but now she's talking and wanting to tell me what she's looking at ("car Mummy, car Mummy, more car Mummy, car, car, car, car MUMMY") Wink, I would feel awful if I thought she was talking to me and I was ignoring her.

But I am surprised that some people think it's Ok, since even when you're walking your dogs, dog trainers insist that you mustn't listen to music etc and that you need to give your dogs full attention to get them to behave and (no offence to dog owners - as I have two), but I would suggest that your DC certainly deserve AT LEAST the same consideration.

I would find it very odd... But maybe I'm a bit funny about it because I only get 3 days a week with my DD because I work full-time so I find those times really important - maybe even moreso than she does...

Ephiny · 27/07/2011 14:10

I probably wouldn't do this, but don't see that it's a massive problem really - would just let him get on with it!

I would however be Shock if someone came out for lunch with me and then just sat and read a book, that is very rude IMO and quite an odd way to behave. Though I don't even like people using mobile phones etc at the table.

squeaver · 27/07/2011 14:13

I wish I could put headphones on when I'm out with my 6yo dd, that's for bloody sure.

MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 14:16

marimo yes it's all about balance IMO. If a DC gets used to being 'entertained' by a parent 24/7 then they will find it very hard to entertain themselves, I think, which can be a real pain as they get older - ie 'muuuuum, I'm boooooooored' 100 times a day....

My DC are (usually) ok about going off and finding things to do. When they were very young, they had to do that sometimes because they are all close in age so couldn't have my 100% full attention, particularly as I was BFing and that would sometimes take ages.

I have friends (one in particular) who always made sure her DC had an organised activity or one to one attention pretty much constantly from day one. Her DC is the same age as my youngest, and the difference in their abilities to amuse themselves is striking.

Sorry if I sound smug - I don't mean to Smile

MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 14:18

BTW having said all that, I wouldn't be listening to an mp3 when I was out walking with my DC, because they would more than likely be trying to talk to me at some point! But with a baby in a pram I don't think it hurts now and again - assuming he's not got it blasting so loudly that he can't hear if DC calls him...

DogsBestFriend · 27/07/2011 14:20

:o @ squeaver. Ditto my teenagers!

"oh, all that paying-full-attention to the DS you do...so unnecessary! Just get on with your life!"

I can see that point, tbh. No-one's advocating neglect but 100% attention in every situation towards a 1 yo is... well, so unnecessary!

(And thank you, btw, for reminding me to download some more podcasts, I'd forgotten to do that. :) ).

BeeBread · 27/07/2011 14:21

DH does this but has only one earphone in so he can hear both the cricket and DS.

Ta da!

Original poster
marimo · 27/07/2011 14:23

Haha, Squeaver!

This is the thing: DS is BRILLIANT at entertaining himself. Which is why I see going out, mealtimes, etc, as an opportunity to be a bit more interactive. In the day I generally put out a few toys for him and he either plays with them (or gets on with opening drawers, ripping up tissues, taking all books off all shelves, etc).

I TOTALLY understand all PFB comments. But it's more that thing of...dunno...wanting to get everything right that I can. Because why not? But I see how this can end up in smothery motheryness which is, well, no good for anyone, either.

Oh, every bloody thing comes down to balance...!

OP posts:
Camerondiazepam · 27/07/2011 14:23

I think you're getting a hard time of it here and I think YANBU.

To be honest (and I am well aware of how pfb this sounds) my gut feel is it's a bit rude and disrespectful to your DC. I wouldn't walk along with my DH while I was on the phone or listening to my ipod so I wouldn't do it with my DC either. Wouldn't you want to chat to them? I mean, not non-stop, but often enough that you wouldn't want to be pulling your headphones off every time. I just don't really understand why your DH would want to do that.

DogsBestFriend · 27/07/2011 14:24

HorridCold there's a difference between a dog who might run off/eat horse poo/fall down a foxhole and a 1 yo DC who is strapped into a pram and can't go anywhere!

Mumwithadragontattoo · 27/07/2011 14:25

You see I think YANBU. Your DH won't be fully engaging with your son as his attention would be distracted. Maybe OK if the child is asleep but if they are awake I think they deserve their parents' attention. What if DS was crying because he'd hurt himself and DH couldn't hear?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 14:28

"wanting to get everything right that I can."

It's a mistake to think there is a 'right'. The reason kids do better the more positive adult influences they have is because everyone has a different parenting approach and they benefit from them all. My DS is particularly close to his granddad and, from a very young age, has enjoyed just sitting on his lap quietly watching cricket together, saying nothing at all. Grandma, on the other hand, is a perpetual motion machine, always wanting to be 'doing' something. He finds her a bit overwhelming (we all do, in fact) but she's not 'wrong', she just has a different style.

Original poster
marimo · 27/07/2011 14:29

Good point, Camerondiazepam. I had thought of that aspect, too. Certainly one year down the line it would be weird if DH had his headphones lodged in. I suppose DS is at a borderline stage. He's only saying single words but (WARNING, serious PFB statement coming up) I want to hear as many of them as I can! And nod, and smile, and say yes, a dog, yes, a cat, yes, a cat etc etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
marimo · 27/07/2011 14:30

VERY wise, Cogito.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 27/07/2011 14:32

I wouldn't use headphones while walking my dog, as I like to interact and play with him when we're out, and also keep my attention on him so I notice quickly if anything 'interesting' has caught his eye or he's up to anything he shouldn't be. And to keep an eye on what's going on, look out for other dogs etc. So don't want the distraction of music or podcast.

It's a bit different if you have a baby in a pram, as obviously they can't go anywhere, aren't going to be having a conversation with you, and might well be asleep anyway.

With a slightly older child (i.e. walking) it's probably similar to the dog situation! And also with an older child capable of having conversations, it's a bit rude to put headphones on (just as it would be if you were out for a walk with another adult) and doesn't set a very good example for them.

Original poster
marimo · 27/07/2011 14:35

But he's more like the, um, dog in that sense, no? He doesn't ever sleep in his pram and does "talk" in that he points out cars, lorries, dogs, etc...

OP posts:
HSMM · 27/07/2011 14:44

I know where you're coming from. I used to get cross with my DH when he went out with DD in the car, put a DVD on for her and listened to the radio himself. I had so many arguments deep and meaningful conversations, nursery rhyme singing, spotting animals, etc with her in the car, that I felt he should be doing the same.

She is 12 now and absolutely fine, having a special/different relationship with each of us. Just make the most of the time you have and let him parent in his own way.

Original poster
marimo · 27/07/2011 14:46

Yeah, the let him parent in his own way bit I am crap at. I should. You are right.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 27/07/2011 14:53

I see what you mean marimo, and like I said it's not something I'd do either. Just not sure whether it's worth nagging/arguing about it, and maybe better to just let him get on with doing things in his own way, as long as it's not actually dangerous/harmful.

VeronicaCake · 27/07/2011 15:02

The flip side of letting him parent in his own way is that it means your way is OK too. You like to chat to DS in the pram - that is great. Your partner likes to grab a chance to listen to his ipod whilst DS points at cats, giggles at dogs and shouts at lorries - that is great too.

Since I went back to work DH and I have shared childcare 50/50. It has been an eye-opener and we would row all the time if we weren't able to accept that there is more than one way to skin a cat/raise a daughter.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 15:03

Let DH parent his own way and you do your thing. Think about your own relationship with your parents. Were they identical? Or (more likely) do you look back at your childhood and remember special but different things about each of them?

HopeForTheBest · 27/07/2011 15:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

Whelk · 27/07/2011 15:09

I don't think you are being particularly PFB or Unreasonable tbh.
I've never done this and neither has dh, purely for the reasons you say, such as being aware of ds, what's around and chatting to him, pointing stuff out etc.

When my dds were asleep in the pram, then it was a totally different matter - magazine/ newspaper, drink, choclolate, park bench!! Me time!