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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off that DP has gone camping with 2 other girls and NOT been in touch?

162 replies

throwhimtothepanther · 27/07/2011 10:07

So... DP is a teacher and has commenced his six week holidays, he asked me if he could go camping with 2 of his FEMALE colleagues from work that he's only known for only one (academic) year. One girl I have never met and one I barely know! I reluctantly agreed. They even set up an (exclusive- no invite for me) facebook group to arrange said camping trip! So I left for work yesterday morning, no word from him, I text him at 3pm to ask if he'd set off yet. An hour and a half later he text me back to say he had no signal earlier (fair enough) but that he is switching his phone off so that he can call me later. Half past 9 at night and still no response. I had just returned from tea at my grandad's to find that he had even taken the only tube of toothpaste and left me without any! The house was in a mess (why do Men think it's ok to not do ANY housework? He's a teacher, he works less hours than I do, lives five minutes away from his place of work whilst I have to commute 40 mile round trip and still thinks that cooking tea is the be all and end of all of the housework, even though he's currently on holiday!). So (still no word) I text him this morning to say I hope for his sake he's been eaten by a black panther and that if I don't hear from him soon I'm going to start auctioning his things on ebay! So... Was I BU?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 27/07/2011 10:53

Going away on a camping trip doesn't necessarily mean he is doing anything untoward. He has probably just thought that you are at work and he has a couple of weeks to fill before you both go on holiday.

I would be very angry at him just fucking off and leaving the house in a state. He knows it won't be like that when he gets back, so is aware that you will be cleaning up after him and he is clearly okay with that. It's selfish and inconsiderate and would make me want to murder him.

When he gets back, the two of you need to sort out some ground rules as to what constitutes acceptable behaviour. I also think that when you are in a relationship, the time has come to stop going on holiday with friends as if you were still single. It would have been nice for you if he'd been there when you got in from work, to spend the evenings with you. It's a bit hurtful that he would sooner be away on holiday.

AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 10:54

Harriet, most of our younger staff communicate all the time through FB.

harrietthespook · 27/07/2011 10:56

(I was being semi-fecetious. Semi.)

CinnabarRed · 27/07/2011 10:56

Woah, BEAUTIFUL. You're making a huge number of assumptions.

We have no idea whether the OP and her DP are planning on getting married, or whether he's really concerned that he hasn't been able to get a message through to OP, or whether the women he's with are themselves in commited relationships, or what the tent/sleeping arrangements are, or whether he's naturally a slob and hasn't yet adjusted to living with someone.

It's way too early for people to be calling for the OP to leave him.

He asked OP if he could go away. She said yes. His only actual transgression, that we know of so far, is that he left their home in a shit state. (I'm letting the toothpaste go.) That should be dealt with on his return. Everything else is just conjecture.

MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 10:58

Beautiful is your post a wind up? Do you really think it's wrong to live with somebody without being married .

Ladyflump IMO it's not about trust; it's about priorities and commitment. My DH only gets very limited paid holiday every year. Therefore we plan his holidays around school holidays and try to make sure we can get the most family time out of them - because we're a family and have made a commitment to each other and our DC, and family time is precious little enough when you (both) have to work. I thought that was what most 'grown ups' did. Sadly the OP's P doesn't sound very committed, or very 'grown up'.

CinnabarRed · 27/07/2011 11:02

But MooMooFarm, they're about to go on a 4 week holiday to Asia. That doesn't sound uncommitted or childish.

I can really see it from the DP's perspective. He's got 2 weeks free that he can't spend with the OP. He doesn't want to mooch around on his own all day. He had the offer of a very cheap holiday with friends. He asked OP whether it was OK for him to go. Absolutely nothing round with any of that IMO.

I do get the point that it might have been nice for OP to see him in the evenings. Perhaps she's like me, and secretly quite relishes some time alone to do stuff just for her (particularly just before a long holiday when I know I'll have to work late to get everthing done). If it really mattered to her for him to be there of an evening then she should have said so.

Original poster

throwhimtothepanther · 27/07/2011 11:03

@bruxeur You sound exactly like my boyfriend, who during a discussion where I accused him of being patronising he looked at me over the top of his glasses and said 'I'm being condescending, not patronising'

Capilatising of words is PARAMOUNT to adding at least some depth to the loss of tone in text. You are correct however that paragraphs do NOT cause cancer, that said neither does letting off some steam in the form of a rant, which to my mind is not an academic essay and therefore has no real need to be grammatically correct. But hey everyone is allowed an opinion.

And for the record, it is text and NOT texted... are you 100 years old?

;-)

OP posts:

thisfantasticvoyage · 27/07/2011 11:03

I am a bloke. I can't think of ANY other reason for wanting to go camping with two women unless I wanted to get into either one or both of them. Seriously.

thisfantasticvoyage · 27/07/2011 11:04

And btw stop all this frigging pedantry with the grammer. Who gives a fuck for fuck's sake???

LadyFlumpalot · 27/07/2011 11:05

I see what you mean MooMooFarm. I didn't look at it that way at all. I would be a bit hacked off if LordFlumpalot took some of his limited holiday and spent it without me.

MooMooFarm · 27/07/2011 11:07

thisfantastic I have to admit deep down I agree with you (but am not a bloke). And I don't have a low opinion of men, just a realistic one, I think.

I don't know if the fact that this man has lots more holiday than his P to 'use up' changes things a bit though. I think actually we don't know enough about the situation to judge. Eg, if they have children together, if they've been together long, if he just loves camping, etc....

piprabbit · 27/07/2011 11:07

So pleased that the grammar stuff is being tackled in full - shame that other posters' points haven't received a response though.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 27/07/2011 11:13

I think CinnabarRed is right here. He has gone away with 2 friends when they have holiday from work and you don't. Seems fair enough to me. Especially as he asked you if you'd mind if he went. I think the fact they are women is a red herring.

He has already said that he was struggling getting a phone signal and that he was trying to conserve his phone battery. This also sounds fair enough to me. Not that surprising as phone reception is worse away from urban areas which is where you tend to go camping. A bit rubbish that he wasn't able to phone when he said he would but could well be true.

Absolutely rubbish that he leaves the house in a tip. You need to talk to him about this. Unacceptable unless he is looking after pre-school age kids and it's their mess and he didn't have time to tidy it before he needed to leave.

Bramshott · 27/07/2011 11:13

Honestly? I don't think it would bother me at all (apart from the toothpaste obviously!) unless he didn't call/text at all during the whole trip. Is he a primary teacher? If so, I'd hazard a guess that almost all his colleagues are 'girls'. A friend of ours had almost all girls on his stag night for that very reason!! Also slightly confused as to why you thought they should have invited you to join the facebook group if you weren't going on the trip? If I had set up a FB group to plan a trip with friends, it wouldn't occur to me to include their partners too if they weren't coming. Basically it boils down to whether you trust him or not.

bruxeur · 27/07/2011 11:14

Love the fact that the grammar and spelling is what's really engaging the masses, rather than the lazy sexism.

Genders reversed? 200+ posts of "Burn him! BURN HIIIMMMM!!!"

No hypocrisy here, no sir.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/07/2011 11:16

throwhimtothepanther, if he's correcting your grammar then he perhaps he should do it from the garden, where he will be collecting all his stuff which is in bin bags on the lawn! It is a twatish thing to do.

PerryCombover · 27/07/2011 11:16

is this a joke?

JanMorrow · 27/07/2011 11:17

I for one don't think he's likely to be "getting into one of them", and quite frankly I'm flabbergasted by beautiful's highly amusing comments re marriage.. and all this grammar stuff, for God's sake grow up brux. (That's my summary of the thread so far, tadar!)

I do think you should give him a rocket for not cleaning up before he went and not contacting you when he said he would, but the actual camping with friends (who happen to be girls) is a non issue in my eyes. Unless you don't trust him and really do think something is going on?

The comment he made to you re being patronising would have been enough for me to start to dislike him though (if he was indeed being serious!). My first thought would have been "dick".

thisfantasticvoyage · 27/07/2011 11:17

It's not sexism bruxeur. It's realism.

AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 11:19

But that's what primary schools are like, one constant writhing orgy in the staffroom. I'm amazed that my male colleagues have the energy to stand, let alone teach after lunch.
Let alone all those extended PPA sessions.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/07/2011 11:19

bruxeur, the OP is upset. Now is not the time to focus on her grammar. That is why people are engaged in a discussion with you about it. It was an unkind thing for you to do, even if you think the OP is U.

thisfantasticvoyage · 27/07/2011 11:23

I had the misfortune to go out with a group of - mainly - teachers the other night. All they talk about is sex. They are depraved.

bruxeur · 27/07/2011 11:25

So sexism is OK if you're a bit miffed? Has someone informed dittany? This could rewrite feminism.

harrietthespook · 27/07/2011 11:28

(Maybe the Blair Witch got them.)

freybean · 27/07/2011 11:36

isn't there such things as pay phones????

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