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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To believe this about working/staying at home?

417 replies

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 11:53

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
Rollmops · 26/07/2011 15:35

niceday, it comes down to what an individual values most - time with their children or career. Given they have a choice, granted.

jellybeans · 26/07/2011 15:36

YANBU
Good that you have found what is best for you/your DC.
I have both worked and stayed home. It was only after I had SAH for a while that I realised what i missed with DD1 but I don't regret it as it was right for us at the time. I know i am taking a gamble money/career/pension wise but to me it is worth it. I have changed as a person and become far less materialistic (not saying all WM are or even i was but my goal was always to get better 'things' for us-house, car, holidays etc.)

niceday · 26/07/2011 15:36

Grin I guess I just can't think people who write them are being serious, either side of the barricade

chaya5738 · 26/07/2011 15:37

The OP's (and others') posts about precious moments does seem a bit PFB tbh. I mean, do you think our ancestors who had 10 children and no washing machine sat around worrying about what precious moments they were missing? I fear we are somehow losing perspective.

MrsKravitz · 26/07/2011 15:38

I agree chaya

TandB · 26/07/2011 15:38

Oh well, it could have been worse. At first reading I thought you were suggesting I had let DS go under the water in the bath because I wasn't concentrating due to being a WOHM!

I had taken a big breath and my hands were hovering twitchily over the keyboard.....

Quenelle · 26/07/2011 15:38

If you ask me what the ideal set up is, I would say this - two parents, both working part time, both sharing everything - a career each, housework, spending time with children.

Hear hear ajaybaines And I know my DH would agree with you wholeheartedly too. Not all fathers like having to work long hours and miss seeing their children.

niceday · 26/07/2011 15:38

Rollmops Tue 26-Jul-11 15:35:17
niceday, it comes down to what an individual values most - time with their children or career. Given they have a choice, granted.

I just cannot imagine comparing work, even successful - leading to a career to children. These things are so different. For me, it's like comparing a tube station and a traktor and then choosing one.

bonkers20 · 26/07/2011 15:39

stillstanding may I ask what in what line of work you are in?
I am in science (not industry) and me working p/t has not been a problem at all. There are quite a few senior part time woman where I work.

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 15:40

I value my career and nice lunches more than explosive shits and toddler tantrums. Happy to hold my hand up to that one.

Rollmops · 26/07/2011 15:41

FannyintheGarden, you see, some of us value such 'guff', as you ever so eloquently put it, more than say, trips to Cartier, Tiffany or similar. And more than a career.
However, each their own.

pommedechocolat · 26/07/2011 15:43

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grubbalo · 26/07/2011 15:44

And, rollmops, some of us have had to weigh up whether it is better to rent a house and not go to work, or whether to go to work and have the security that a mortgage provides.
Don't be so bloody simplistic to assume that I go to work to have the designer clothes and jewellery. It couldn't be further from the truth. I don't assume all SAHM sit around talking about nappies all day or that they don't use their brains. Infact I try not to make judgements about them at all.

grubbalo · 26/07/2011 15:44

I am so angry about your post rollmops I just can't explain it in words. Thanks again for making me feel so great

chaya5738 · 26/07/2011 15:46

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pommedechocolat · 26/07/2011 15:47

I'm finding it quite amusing to think of all those WOHM's decked out in diamonds and swanning down bond street. heehee.

Rollmops · 26/07/2011 15:47

Oh, but I was only speaking for myself. I decided to stay home and have prohibited DH to buy any more trinkets etc from the abovementioned merchants.
One does like to keep the household costs down.
Hmm

Rollmops · 26/07/2011 15:49

Anyhow. If one is so thin skinned then one should avoid dishing out barely veiled venom towards SAHM.
I shall leave so you could continue your dance ad nauseam....

niceday · 26/07/2011 15:50

Rollmops - where's your self worth?!!!

maswera · 26/07/2011 15:51

Haven't had time to read the whole thread, but there does seem to be a lot of smuggery about being a SAHM round here at the moment. If it's that great, what y'all doing spending so much time on MN then eh? Grin

TandB · 26/07/2011 15:51

I suggest you sell a few of those precious moments and see if you can fund a bit of Cartier and Tiffanys, Rollmops.

It might provide a definitive answer on just how precious they are.

cornsilksy · 26/07/2011 15:54

what was your career before you became a SAHM rollmops?

chaya5738 · 26/07/2011 15:55

I don't think I have been dishing out venom against SAHM. I think I was writing that their worked needed to be more valued etc.
But that doesn't mean that the OP isn't also being smug and precious.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 26/07/2011 15:55

Wait a minute- I seem to be missing out on everything here- those precious moments refereeing between my squabbling children AND the trips to Cartier's and Tiffany! What is going on here??

TandB · 26/07/2011 15:56

Jooly - I am wondering about that too. Presumably there is some sort of WOHM benefit that we can apply for to fund essential purchases of shiny things?

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