To believe this about working/staying at home?

[WriterofDreams]

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

What's with these twatty posts today? OP, You clearly don't live in the real world as the vast vast majority of the women in this country cannot afford to have what you have, ie a choice. They're too busy doing their bit to keep the roof over their heads and the bills paid. I am not one of these people, but nonetheless I choose to work. My mother did too and I turned out just fine. As will my children. Not sure what you were aiming for in your post but it comes across as utter drivel.

I'm 46. And I feel ancient!

I feel better when I am exercising too. But I can't seem to get back to it. Everything hurts I am using a TENS for my back as the chiro can't sort it out it seems. I have ongoing tendonitis in my left foot and residual pain from a break in my right foot. And a twingeing hip where I had bursitis a few years back. I hate feeling like a wreck but the pain when I run is too much. I am trying to compensate by going on long irritable walks with the dog

I work full time (or at least I will when I go back to work after my 8 weeks of maternity leave).
My DF is a full time dad. He loves it, I'd go insane. I still managed to see DS's first steps, was there when he tried food for the first time etc.
Yes, I have to work if we want small things like food or a place to live, but I don't really understand why the OP seems to be pitying me for it. Sometimes I enjoy my job...

EvenLessNarkyPuffin - is that a PomBear???

Also one of the joys of working is you get to miss sports day. I would pay good money to miss sports day. I realise this makes me a Bad Parent, but frankly I didn't spend nearly two decades in full-time education dodging sports day to start going now.

Yup.

hah hah, motherinferior. We used to spend sports day drinking on the back field. Yes, I also dread it. Fortunately DH loves it so he will compensate for me.

I bloody hate sports day too though this year discovered it can be improved by having a small glass of wine beforehand. Then when ds gets stuck in a hoop its bloody hilarious. Am sure the christmas play can be improved in a similar fashion. You have to have just the right amount though - too much would obviously be a Bad Thing.

Oh and the poster who said that all the sahm she knows have partners who work incredibly long hours and do nowt round the house - thats my experience too.

The OP makes me want to shield DS away from women like her when he's older. I dont want him to get a decent job only to meet somebody who believes she deserves a man that can earn enough to allow her to not work and have everything paid for her.

Whilst I work less hours than DH to allow for some school runs, friends over etc I cant imagine not contributing anything to the finances and I wouldnt be happy to live off another adult and see them working hard whilst I stayed home all day every day.

kungfupannda
As most working mothers your are simply ignoring most important milestones, even when you clearly see them. For example, the first time you let the baby go in the bath, etc.
And whatever wohms say, they do miss many precious moments, that as a sahm, I treasure dearly - the first time I was covered in explosive poo, the first time dc vomited on my kingsize bed, the first time he flyed from the toilet seat head first on the tiled floor, and many many more.

On another note - those of you who go to work cause they see the financial side as a partnership - surely, this only works if you both earn the same. You are not equal otherwise

This topic again...........yawn.

I agree with kungfu that there isn't a lightbulb moment where suddenly they walk / talk etc for the first time. And actually, even if there was, would it matter so much if I saw the third step instead of the first? Not really.

In many ways I think life would be simpler to revert to the 1960's where loads of women didn't work, but spent their time looking after children, cooking delicious meals, tidying the house and chatting to their pals over the garden fence. My MIL intended to return to work after her children grew up but didn't because she was having so much fun. Sounds idyllic. I might have loved to do it myself if all my friends were doing the same.

However, it was a bummer for those who were trapped in violent / unhappy relationships and couldn't leave because they had no money of their own, or unmarried women who lived with their parents for their entire adult life, etc.

Women fought hard for some pretence of equality. I want to set an example of being able to stand on my own two feet. I think it's healthy for children to see that you should earn your own keep and not rely on a partner to support you financially

(takes cover and waits to be flamed..........)

Gawd, I took half day unpaid to go to Sports Day, I am not being a very good WOHM
Though wearing a tight dress that day made running in the Mom's race impossible. Damn.

My mum was bored and unhappy with two kids in the 1960s. (Despite the utter deliciousness of her meals.)

Our school plays (the ones in the evening) do a roaring trade at the bar . All my favourite parents (and I have many, I'm in that minority of apparent perverts who likes the school gate) were clutching at least one bottle of beer. We were a most appreciative and over participative audience.

The concept of genuine choice is a misnomer I think. By genuine choice I mean the choice between SAHM and enjoying it, and WOH at a career you are passionate about, with no financial impact either way...

I suspect most people, even those who can financially manage on the income of one parent alone, fit their life choices around their circumstances. I doubt there are many who sit there and think, ''now then am I going to be a SAHM or a WOHM?" without the practicalities having huge influence. There are so many factors at play (SN, career one enjoys, access to free childcare from family, a DH with a demanding or flexible job, location, personality etc etc). It's rarely that cut and dry.

For many/most it is about trying to achieve a healthy balance of variety in life and having enough money to finance the essentials (and the luxuries if you're lucky). This might mean PT work, taking 2-3 years as a SAHM before returning PT or FT, ditching an unfulfilling career and retraining, or going back FT when kids are young. I know parents who have done, and are doing, all of these things.

I went freelance a year before having kids in an attempt to set myself up with something flexible that meant I could still earn money. It sort of worked after the first child, but was very stressful with the huge peaks and troughs in workload. My plans to go back early after DC2 have been scuppered by his health. He needs physical therapy twice a week, daily exercises at home and has had many medical appointments. There is no time to work right now. Instead we are selling the house and moving to my mum's for a bit until we're able to relocate to the West Country. A huge lifestyle change, driven by circumstance rather than choice. Hell, I hated my job with every ounce of my soul anyway so it's a damn good opportunity for change...

Agree with whoever said 'yawn' about this subject but I would just repeat again how very difficult it is to get back into the job market. I enjoy my time as a SAHM (yes, I appreciate I am very lucky to have the 'choice') but now, in my early 50s (I was a late starter ) - I am finding it virtually impossible to get any job, let alone anything at the same sort of salary/level that I had before.

Circumstances can change, your marriage can end/your DH could be made redundant/die - I would never, ever recommend giving up work to any woman.

I have a few friends (in the Netherlands, not in the UK) who both work part-time. So each has a different day off in the week to spend with the children, then there's childcare for the other days.

To me that seems an excellent set-up, but it's not that well accepted in the UK for dads to work part-time. Here it always seems to be the woman who makes the choice be SAHM/go part-time and I think that's very much the problem with this debate. Women are the ones to make the choice and who are made to feel guilty regardless of what they do. What's the last research we've seen in the papers about the impact of working fathers?

Women are well aware they have the choice, but now fathers should be given that choice too.

niceday I see all the milestones I need to including going in the bath ... What's your point?

And I think most people see parenthood as being about an overall loveliness and don't need to experience every nappy / feed / babble etc to fully love and be loved by their children.

And 2 people contributing to the family income is equality in my view - it's not necessary for an equal partnership, one earner is fine if that's what makes that family happy, but why do 2 parents have to earn the same??? Draggin the bottom of the barrel for insults to hurl there aren't you?

Do you hold that same weight to fathers 'missing' milestones too? Because DH and I are equal parents ...

I started out loving being a SAHM ? best years of my life but we have had a lot happen to us ? DH has gone from 9-5 flexible work hours with 30 min walking commute to long hours, long commute lots of time away with no increase in pay.

There are now hurdles between me and getting back to work ? at times these seem insurmountable - the longer at home worse these seem to get. DH doesn't earn a huge amount and the compromises we've made to have me at home seem to grate more as the years pass.

Once youngest is at school I will get past them somehow ? in mean time being SAHP has started to seem less like a choice to be enjoyed and more like a trap.

< I'm only on here because after having a great morning out doing fanatic things with them I've had three hours of them being destructive little shits and I'm calming down before re-engaging with them>

I'm not saying do not enjoy being a SAHP - but perhaps a greater awareness of potential pitfalls as time passes wouldn't be amiss.

I can't really be bothered to get into this debate again, having done so many times, both as a SAHM, then p/t WOHM and now f/t WOHM- funnily enough, my views have never changed, despite my SAHM/WOHM changing.

Agree with kungfupanda about the milestones. Also feel a bit twitchy when I see people like the OP saying things like "I see children as a life experience" , presumably a life-experience for you? I see their childhood as a life-experience for them, and my watching them grow up (yes, shock, even as a WOHM!!) as good fun. To me, having children is not all about me. It all sounds a bit claustrophobic and slightly, well, overbearing to see their childhood as something for you. Whether you are there the first time they see a dog/ draw on the wall/ eat their own snot, the fact is that they still manage to achieve these things. Does it make it less of a milestone because you weren't able to witness it? My children's achievements are just that- their achievements.

exactly, niceday, why do 2 people have to earn the same? or even contribute in the same way? I mean if oneparent is putting in a financial contribution and the other childcare and everyone is happy with that then that is just perfect.

But hang on .. that's not your point, is it? Everyone has to put in money (regardless of whether an equal or not) and then that is equality ...

Sorry, not niceday but inflames

Ormirian you're only 2 years older than me!! And I'm not quite ready for the knacker's yard :o

I was always of the parents I knew who managed to both work part-time so they both had time at work and at home. The ones I knew seemed very happy and sorted - but then they were always older and more secure in their careers - the one I knew anyway.

Though some of them went through alot to have DC at all - which we were glad not to go through.