My five year old was abandoned at an organised party

[KattyB]

My husband took our five year old boy to a birthday party for two of his school friends in the local sports hall yesterday and when he came back to collect him, (five minutes late) all of his friends and their parents had left. There was another party going on afterwards, but my child was, well, abandoned. Not only that, but he actually managed to get outside the hall and was ?waiting for daddy? in the car park.

To say that I am angry is a little bit of an understatement and what could have happened doesn?t bear thinking about.

Don?t know the mums at all well and don?t have their phone numbers ?. Should I 'throw the book' at the venue???? What would you do?

I had DH on 'parent watch' on Saturday and DD's party to make sure that every child was collected by the correct parent as I'd asked when they dropped them off who was collecting them, and made sure they knew the correct time.

Rookiemater - Op's DH should have planned to be early?? I am obviously a very lax parent. From 5 my kids mostly get dropped off at parties unless with family friends when we all stay. I have even (shock horror) turned up 5 mins late for pick up. I have 3 other children to look after who aren't invited to the party in question so can't just hang around and invite them along.
This doesn't seem at all unusual round here. Some parents stay but most would go. I would say hi to the parents and make sure they knew my child was there and that they had a contact number and then I would go. I never ever thought this was anything other than normal.
We usually have big parties at home and I certainly wouldn't want most parents staying as we have no space. The one time I did want people to stay was when we had a party in the local park as there were too many exits to watch at once. I made it very clear on the invitations that an adult would need to be there to be responsible for the child and that therefore siblings were invited too.
As for leaving the child at the end of thr party- I really hope it was an oversight as there would be no excuse to ever do this after 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 days!

I have arrived at a venue and then not left my 5 year old before now. Village halls and sports halls are the worst for this, people wandering in and out, no-one manning the doors, I hate it. Playcentre parties are usually much better as they have a more secure system.

But then, I have been one of the only mum sitting there like a lemon joining in the party games when most have left. The party I stayed at was in a village hall and it was clear they didn't have enough adults, and clear that children could get out of the front/back.

At seven, I worry less, but at five sometimes you have to stay if it doesn't seem very secure or parents are quite disorganized.

How awful op, even if your dh was v v late (which I aren't saying he was) you would not expect the party parents to leave him.

some odd answers. here.

op I would be furious, even if it were my 7 yr old, never mind 5 yr old.

Inexcusable for the party givers to leave him until he had been collected. OK, dh should not have been late, but sometimes these things happen. They could have had a go at him for being late if they wanted, or could have smiled politely and not said anything. But they should not at all have left your ds alone. Really outrageous.

i don't think it's anything to do with the venue.

Have you called the parents? I would, and be having strong words with them. They had responsibility for your ds, and if anything had happened to him, they would have been responsible.

I don't care how late the OP's husband was, I don't care if/that he didn't call to say he was late, I don't care if they hadn't double-checked all logistics beforehand, done a 'handover' or made sure they had contact details, I don't care about the debate of whether five is too young to leave your child at a party. You do not drive off with your own kids and leave a five-year-old child on his or her own. Is that not just stating the obvious? It's first and foremost the host parents' responsibility to make sure all children are picked up, but I'm also appalled that in what was presumably quite a large group of adults NOT ONE PERSON saw the kid on his own and thought 'I might just check that he's with someone'.

OP, it sounds as if your son was quite calm and OK about it ? I hope he is all right?

rookiemater I would not have seen it as my fault if we didn't clock the departure arrangements for each and every single child.

Really? Jesus, I hope my children never have an invite to a party of yours!

If you are incapable of making sure every child leaves with a parent then you should be throwing parties in the first place, incredibly irresponsible, and I can't believe you say it so blithely, like it doesn't matter if EVERY child is safe, just the majority!

LadyClariceCannockMonty I don't care how late the OP's husband was, I don't care if/that he didn't call to say he was late, I don't care if they hadn't double-checked all logistics beforehand, done a 'handover' or made sure they had contact details, I don't care about the debate of whether five is too young to leave your child at a party. You do not drive off with your own kids and leave a five-year-old child on his or her own. Is that not just stating the obvious?

Exactly! So much on MN lately I am seeing people COMPLETELY miss the point!

OP Your child = your responsibility.

Yes, but it may well be that the child wasn't standing there when they left, they may have been in the toilet for example. It would be incredibly neglectful to drive off leaving them behind, but you don't know that's what they did, do you?

Oh the irony of this thread popping up just a few days after the whole 'helicopter parents at parties' one. There seem to be more parents on this thread saying they wouldn't dream of leaving their child with strangers. The 'we just dump and run' parents seem to be staying away - I wonder why!

OP I would be fuming with the parents and I would definitely contact them for an explanation and an apology! However, I would not leave a 5 yo at a party by themselves and if the hosts tried to insist that I couldn't stay then he wouldn't be going! Parents are always welcome at our parties and at any of the parties I've been to.

Ok having read all the rest of the posts I am changing my view somewhat. I deliberately picked a gated soft play with a signing in and out policy for DS's party so this sort of thing shouldn't happen and I suppose by default rather than anything else I have most parents mobile numbers or I know which children they play with.

But I would expect the attending parents to play their part as well. I would never leave a party without ensuring that either the arranging parents had my mobile and knew I was not staying ( I would not assume that they would remember a conversation that had been held with my spouse some time ago). I would also if I was late ring the parents or the venue as I would have those numbers to hand. What if the OP's child had been hurt or upset at the party, perfectly feasible at the age of 5, there should be a mobile number where a parent can be instantly contactable and I believe responsibility for having this sits with both sets of parents.

Parents arranging parties may be loco parentis but they have none of the training or perhaps inherent organisational ability of teachers etc therefore in my mind there is some responsibility with the drop off parent to ensure that the appropriate measures have been taken to ensure that their child is taken care of.

It's not missing the point to say they should have had a check in and out at a party. That would have meant that they would have noticed a child left over. My guess is that they didn't all load into the car and drive off with screeching tyres out of the car park, leaving a poor sobbing child. More like the child was hiding somewhere, playing a game, in the toilet, in the car park already (possible) and in the confusion of the party bags/pick ups and a lack of any system for checking who had left, they presumed everyone had gone.

OP Your child = your responsibility

WWHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTT!?! I mean seriously . . . WHAT?

So by that thinking then none of us can ever leave our child with anyone else, for a party, a play date, a trip to the pictures with a friends family because (by your thinking) the adult looking after them has no responsibility to make sure they are safe?! What about school? Do they have responsibility? Do you acutally have children? Are you . . . . (refraining from insults)

and breath.

I would ask the host parents what happened as for all you know some other parent attending may have offered to stay with him and then left him so host parents thought he was ok IYSWIM.

I think it is appalling that he was left alone but partly that is your responsibility to be there on time and as such I think your DH needs to take some of the blame.

Oooh look at the lovely ruckus you have caused with your first ever post on Mumsnet KattyB !

But you don't have to take a test to throw a party! It's nothing like school. You don't have to do a risk assessment or have qualifications. As a parent you make a decision to let your child go to a party alone based on your own children's savviness and how well you know the parents. I'm amazed parents let me have their children (but then I did throw excellent parties!), I'm afraid I wouldn't have known, especially at soft play parties, if a child had wandered out, gone to the toilet etc. In my defence, I knew every child invited so if a child had been left at the end I would have known he/she was 'one of mine' and certainly wouldn't have left them.

In this case, I think the hosts will be horrified at what has happened, and obviously there was a mix-up somewhere about who particularly was responsible for making sure everyone was off the premises. The fact that the parent was late is irrelevant.

but lockets it wasn't op who collected her child it was her dh, who probably didn't think at the time beyond pickign him up and raising an eyebrow that noone was waiting with him, let alone go inside and ask. Almost certainly the venue would have confirmed with the parents that they had removed all their belongings and children then settled up. Fact is whatever happened it is done now and I'm not sure a confrontation will help other than to to draw it to the parents' attention for future.

I agree with WhoseGotMyEyebrows and the many, many people on this thread who do not feel that lateness, be it 5 or 35 minutes, justifies a young child being abandoned in a public place.

If a parent doesn't show up after a party you as the adult in charge WAIT, and WAIT and WAIT SOME MORE - or call the police if you don't fancy that - not just piss off.

OP - I can only hope it was a big mix up, not intentional. Yes, you guys should have been on time or called but they should have checked.

If they told you not to attend it was definitely their responsiblilty whether your husband was late or not. I would have been upset too. I also hate when you are kind of forced to leave your child when you don't really know the parents (with a child aged 5 anyway).

At the same time, why did he arrive late when you didn't know the hosts, surely would have been more senisble to arrive 15 mins early and wait in the car?

Sorry that post was to tothemoonandback

I genuinely can't believe a parent would knowlingly leave someone else's child behind unless it was a major oversight or someone thought he had been collected already. If I were OP I would ascertain details before going great guns at the party hosts. If they DID know he was there on his own and left anyway, then I think the YANBUs are pretty unanimous.

I have left my son only once and I left my mobile number and turned up 5 mins early to collect. Not to leave your mobile number AND have THEIR mobile number is not on. Picking up 5 mins late is sometimes unavoidable and a margin either side of the end time is to be expected for this.

However, personally I don't leave my 5 year old at parties unless explicitly instructed to. This is simply because I feel sorry for the poor host Mum who is up to her ears in pass the parcel and I don't think it's fair to give her sole charge of my DS whilst hosting her DC's party. Just as I wouldn't leave him with a childminder who was in sole charge of 20 kids. You only have one pair of eyes.

BarbarianMum Wow someone agrees with me!?