to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

[Anapit]

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

I would truly look judgementally at a SAH Mother who didn't support her spouse in any way, shape or form too

a working woman, a working man, a PT worker, a lady/lord of leisure, a tramp/ess living on the street, a fucking squillionaire/squillionaress who employed an army of domestic staff whatever

this is not a gender issue

it is not a money issue

why do people keep harping back to that ?

although those practical things are now bothering OP because she is making herself ill trying to be/do everything

and why have people missed that she has consulted a doctor about it, who couldn't find a physical reason for her utter exhaustion

do some people really believe she should carry on in the same vein, supporting this lazy man, who can't even bring himself to show her some concern when her beloved mother died ?

really ?

Would have to agree with those saying that the OP's issues with her not-very-'D'P go far deeper than his failure to contribute financially. Lots of couples have agreements that involve one of the partners making little or no financial contribution and often long past the time when there are children who need full-time care. There are certainly enough 'kept women' out there, who are little more than arm candy or trophies in a relationship, spending money on hair, make-up, clothes etc and farming housework and childcare out to staff. That's a personal matter for the couple and not an issue IF there is love in the relationship. The only problem is that the non-earning partner is very much reliant on the 'goodwill' of the earning partner and in your case, Anapit, your goodwill towards your DP has clearly run out.

Although you appreciate his importance for your DCs as a father and want to keep him involved in their lives as much as possible, which is great, you basically don't like or love him as a person anymore. He is probably picking up on that lack of regard and will be retrenching a bit as a result, feeling defensive etc.

If you want out of the relationship, just discuss that with him, come to an agreement over finances, as you seem happy to do, and then move on, rather than torturing yourself with the whys and wherefores.

Another thing is that you have been generous but always in the form of 'i pay for your kit/hol' rather than 'we can spend x on this..'

It seems to me that you made sure you have kept property and bussiness yours and choosen to not marry him and been giving him cash while he was doing the childcare.

Is this because you knew deep down that you dont love him and respect him enough and one day you will seperate? Would you be the same if you were with someone that you madly love? Or do you prefer to have your own assets?

Anapit - not all lawyers are the same. If you do decide to split mediation might be a better route for you. I think you mentioned you're in Scotland, where it's possibly less common, but the Law Society should be able to give you a list who specialise in mediation.

Like some people have said he has been the main carer to your 3 children and you currently work 2 days a week. He may think he has done the hard work (ie bringing up the children) and that as you earn so much and work so little there would be no point in him working. Sounds like you both have a great lifestyle. Why not pay for a cleaner and start enjoying your free time together while kids at school???

Oh balls to the lawyers (not meant in a derogatory way to lawyers as such-they are extremely important), but why the hell should you go down that route? You aren't married. If you want to give him a pay off out of the goodness of your heart, go ahead-up to you (no judgement here) seek advice by all means (very wise to get advice) THEN, and only then, if he wishes to take it further, let him; how is he going to afford lawyers' fees if he has no money to pay?
Thought legal aid was only for criminal cases (?)

Wamster - I think the OP is in Scotland - so think it is quite possible that P could get legal aid (although I don't know for certain) to try and claim some share in house/ challenge residency etc and generally make life difficult. In any case, I do really think OP needs to get properly advised as to her position - and law in Scotland is quite different to England/Wales.

I think you were extremely lucky to have his support as a SAHD whilst you developed your v successful business - this is how many relationships work, no?
Without him you couldn't have had your 3 children and amazing career.
Surely he would see it as now you're both in yur 50s, you're 'winding down'? His uni was a hobby. You only do 2 days. He still picks younger kid up from school, helps out a bit around house like you. You're evens.

"You're evens"

But she doesn't want to be with him any more

Roxy, why are trying to guilt-trip the OP ?

People have a right to end a relationship they no longer want to be in

Have you read the whole thread ?

MoreBeta - that long list is not the same for any SAHM!

I'm a SAHM and DH has not paid off my debts, I had property and savings when we got married, I worked until we had the children and I will work again. I deal with everything at home, certainly don't spend 2 days a week on a hobby (not even MN and my house is clean and tidy.

Anapit - your DP is a lazy bum. I'm a SAHP and I deal with everything to do with the house and the kids because I see that as my job. DH will be financing my re-training at some point, but rather than continue to be a SAHP after that I plan to go and earn good money for our retirement.
Ignore people who are trying to flip your situation gender-wise, because that is not the issue. The issue is that he has not worked hard at any area of your joint life.

Alibaba - you do agree that is the list for many SAHM though? The flipping the gender issue is a big one.

A man who dumped his wife after 15 yrs of looking after the kids while he built his business (but now she was no use to him) would get absolutely hammered on here and I would join in.

To be absolutely honest, the OP sounds like she runs her life like she runs her business. Her DP was and is just another employee who is now expected to pay his own way as he has completed the task of producing and raising 3 children. Fine, end the relationship but don't blame it all on him.

Sorry but I really resent and am quite shocked that people on MN of all places should think a SAHP can just walk back into a job the minute their children reach age 10. It is only being said because he is a man and a man without a job outside the home is of course bound to be a waster.

How very 1950s. There would be outrage if I came on here saying SAHM with secondary school age children are all wasters who should get out to work.

You are making sense to me MoreBeta.
I agree that the DP sounds like a slacker, but I have read and not commented on a lot of threads where I have thought the same of a female poster who is complaining that her partner works full time and long hours and she still expects him to get up with children at weekends and complains about him not sharing the housework when he's home.
No point in posting on the threads, because the responses would be very predictable. I think there is huge gender inequality in cases like this and it irritates me.

'To be absolutely honest, the OP sounds like she runs her life like she runs her business'.

Snap Beta!

MB, you make fair points

but you are just not listening to the OP

I recommend you also do an advanced search on her user name and read about how he treated her when her mother died

nobody on here is making generalised comments about "wasters"

personally, I am restricting my comments to his behaviour

it's quite insulting to say that people are making sweeping statements, when they are actually not

OK, let's flip genders -

It's a world where women earn more than men, occupy all but a negligible number of high ranking positions, own vastly more of the private property. Rates of sexual abuse of men are high, but rates of conviction are so low that it is as good as legal to force something up a drunken man's arse. Men are bought and sold for women's sexual titillation, and pictures of naked men are used to sell all the things women buy with the money they earn.

Oh yes, and men get pregnant and carry children. And breastfeed them too.

Because if all this it always seems to be "convenient" for men to make themselves dependent on women when they have children. Historically it is the case that men are responsible for looking after children, and even before children come along men do far more than half of household chores.

This poor man gave up work he loved to look after the OP's children because that is what they agreed between them. He has kept home and hearth together by raising children and keeping the home nice. As the children have grown he has taken on voluntary roles and is very involved with the children's schooling. He doesn't have much time to himself, but has recently taken up running to shed the baby weight he hasn't had time to lose until recently

This is the gender reverse. If it were the case, then the OP would be being unfair. But it's not.

can I spell out a few things ( have mentioned them all before I think) just to answer a couple of points raised.

I had my business long before I met him. He did NOT contribute in the slightest to me building it .

I had my house long before I met him.

I have worked 2-3 days a week since the kids were small. THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE IS THE MAIN CARER. It means I did/ do most of the looking after 4-5 days a week. Does that make sense?

and making comments about "how she runs her life" is yuk

if you can't offer support, why are you posting ?

she sounds like a strong woman, and he sounds like a weak man

good on her, I say, I wish there were more like her who don't fulfil the stereotype of fawning woman who must always have her man's best interests at heart, even though he is a selfish shit and makes her ill

that way, madness lies

giddypickle please read the thread.
the devil is in the detail. Thanks.

Money isn't the issue. This isn't a partnership. Partners support each other emotionally and financially and find their balance. There is no balance here.

The thing that really made me was that the house is a mess and he is off scuba diving most days. If that is your dynamic and you are balanced elsewhere then that's fine but you're not. It's all one way and I think if the genders were reversed I would feel exactly the same.

He is not a partner he is a freeloader.

So what made you fall in love with him, keep him for 15 years unlike the previous two marriages and have children with him?
It doesn't sound as if he has changed at all, you are the one who is no longer happy.
How do your children feel about him? Do they think he's a waste of space?

as for me running my life like I run my business, where have I mentioned anywhere how I run my business? How do you know how I run my business? Or my life?

oh, I forgot

he also has a penis, so his needs must always be catered to

even though he doesn't give a flying fuck about hers

gender flip ? not at all relevant

a shit is a shit is a shit