to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

[Anapit]

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

Add message | Report | Message poster Anapit Tue 19-Jul-11 00:01:11
Here's his take :
there is not a woman in the land who would stand for being in the insecure position he is in - not married , no rights , no property share ( I owned my home outright before I met him , he lived between his mum and girlfriend )
and yet he is main carer, he could get turfed out at any point and THAT is why the relationship is crap - my refusal to commit ( read - sign over some of my assets to him so he is ok in th event of a split )

He's right about that.

You have major major problems and the pair of you nee to sort them out. Did you discuss beforehand how long he'd been a sahd? How come he "can't" work?

Laquitar
Now there is not much need for childcare but also not much need for work either. Plus OP now is working 2 days (but has good income and no mortgage). A loving couple would have a ball now, the time of their life.

That is so true - sounds like resentment had build up so much that its eroded the relationship.

We have been in positions where people have feed resentment - for me being a SAHP despite me bringing the money to the marriage.

But when bad things have happened - twice to DH I was the one there with physical and emotional support - not all these other people. I don't think that been the case for the OP.

I would have thought with DC involved, as opposed to OP previous marriages, a good solicitor advice would be invaluable - to protect their interests as well as OP even though OP is not married to her DP rather than a bunch of strangers who at best could quote for a general situations or worse talk rubbish.

Thank you all so much. I am in tears reading all of this. Yes AF the lack of support over mum was final straw . I think he is emotionally stunted. Often angry . I always wonder what mood he will be in.
Bizarrely he thinks he has had a Raw deal in life and hates it when anyone expresses envy for his lifestyle. To clarify also , I am far from loaded ! I just worked very very hard from leaving school at 15 and was obsessed with paying off my mortgage ASAP which I did prior to meeting dp.
I apologise if I seem down on lawyers. The one I visited - I was clear I wanted advice only , to clarify my understanding of the law- my understanding was correct but she was more of the " let me at him" mentality which is absolutely the last thing I want.
And yes, he does not have PR but that is irrelevant as I would never stop him seeing kids as much as he wanted.
Yes we have talked about all this but he just gets angry.

I think he detects a change in me now though. I am disengaging ( learned about that on MN!)

Hairy, hr isn't right about that. Why on earth should I commit legally / financially to someone who was a lovely bloke but had definite workshy tendencies and kept getting into debt? You really think I shd have married him/ named him
On the house to boost his ego and make him feel secure?

Also as for him being main carer because I work. That's a joke. He is the main carer on the two days I work. I am the main one the other five

Those saying its not really about him not working are right to a point. But that is the thing that has really begun to bother me

Actually, there are plenty of women who do accept being in this very insecure position and, frankly, we've not done any of these women any favours by being all P.C. and saying s**t like: 'you don't have to be married etc'. Well, no, I admit that emotionally it may make no difference but it most definitely does make a difference from a legal view.

Anapit I absolutely agree with you and, in all fairness, I think you would think it fair that he were wanting your cash if you were married (after all, you'd have signed the form) but as cohabitees you made the choice to remain single and the law should keep its beak out.

It amuses me, though, because I know if you were a bloke saying what you're saying the majority would not agree with you at all .

He says he applies for lots of jobs but gets nowhere. Hr won't do anything he considers beneath him. I don't expect him
To do a low paid job he hates. But cleaning the loos/ doing the laundry at home / while he searches for a job would be a good start

have you ever just turned to him and said - what am I getting out of this relationship do you think?

Thanks Wamster. You do seem to get it.

Oldredeyes he would grab his car keys and storm off if I said that

Was he a Sahd when the children were younger?
Did he look after the children while the OP worked?

I can't see that it says that.

so - what are you waiting for?

you want him to go, he is not the main carer for your children, he doesn't add financially -

(usually Sahms are the main carers, or at least organise that care.)

what are you after? why do you hesitate?

Yes Anapit starting with some housework would be good starting point.
As for the jobs "beneath him" just presume for argument sake, that he had to take on one of this low paid jobs to feed the hungry mouths, I wonder if he would be so picky.
He obviously doesn't have to knowing he has you behind him to finance everything.
It just seems he is very content as he is, and happy to see you do the hard graft, this speaks negative volumes really about him as feather, provider, "head of the family".

Eggy, I explained in two places further down

Strictlloving mum I agree. I honestly think hd has no clue whatsoever of the realities of everyday life for most people - working hard five days a week , juggling childcare , just to pay for the basics

Sounds like he's fallen on his feet! I'd love it if my partner was rich enough that I didn't have to work.. I'd still work because I love my work, but to have the option not to (especially when the kids are tiny) would be lovely.. I wouldn't expect it though, I'd hate to be "kept" (not slagging stay at home parents, just not for me).

He's not worked in over 15years? Before you had kids? How has it gone on so long? Jobs were relatively plentiful a few years ago!

"Anapit I absolutely agree with you and, in all fairness, I think you would think it fair that he were wanting your cash if you were married (after all, you'd have signed the form) but as cohabitees you made the choice to remain single and the law should keep its beak out."

Agree completely. If you decide not to get married don't expect the law to intervene.
Has he ever made any financial contributions to the mortgage etc though?

Another SAHM, who thinks your DH is lazy. But this is not a WOHM/SAHP debate.

You sound like you've had a very hard time over the last year, and I hope you have some very good friends who can help support you in RL. MN can help you see clearly but sometimes a hug from a friend works wonders. (do both that's ideal :) )

Only you can make the decision whether to separate or work through it (sounds like you've already made the decision anyway), but it can be done amicably and without the courts. Just be careful that if you separate without legal advice, that he doesn't take advantage of you, whilst remaining amicable.

Wow.

1. "for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not"

1. "He had no property/savings when we met"

1. "I paid off his 10k debts."

1. "I have financed himthro uni"

1. "He can't /won't get a job"

1. "I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings"

1. "Never set any limits on his spending"

1. "He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work"

1. "I pay for all his kit and holidays"

10. "he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess)"

11. "he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while"

Where do I start? This has to stop. NOW. My ex DP was also happy for me to be the sole earner. I gave him money to go out, bought him clothes, paid for all our food, meals, the bills... if we had stayed together I believe I would have been in a similar situation. But I decided it had to stop and that I deserved better. I now have an amazing DP and am a completely changed person who would never for one second consider putting up with that kind of behavior ever again.

"Bizarrely he thinks he has had a Raw deal in life" - I assume this might be because of his inability to find work. That's his own fault - we make our own luck in life. After all, you did it! You left school at 15 and worked very hard, it's not really rocket science is it. "He won't do anything he considers beneath him" - I'm sorry but that's just a disgusting attitude. Do it for your own pride FGS! It's better than being happy to remain a parasite living off someone else when there is no good reason for you not to earn your own money.

Laquitar - I feel the same as you. At first, I just thought the DP needed to get out and get a job. However, it seems he has been SAHD for a long time while the OP ran her business.

I know from recent divorce court cases that if DP were married and he had stayed at home while his spouse had built a business he would get full credit for his contribution to the marriage. The fact he is not married puts him in a weak position.

If the DP were a married woman and her husband was on here slagging her off for not cleaning and threatening to dump her after she had brought up the children I can guarantee the husband would get short shrift. In fact I have seen dozens of threads like that.

I know the OP has had a life changing event in her life and yes the DP should do some cleaning in the house but I do wonder if there is a lot more going on here.

I am a SAHD and I do cleaning and cooking and also work with my wife but yes I also am sure I can't now get a well paid full time job now outside the home. I just wonder if the solution is for the OP to hire a cleaner and get her DP to work with her. Its what I do with DW and it works well. I also suggest she finds a way to enjoy the other 3 days off with him and he quits scuba diving as a quid pro quo.

klapaucius - that long list is exactly the same for any SAHM.

my situation is similar to anushka 11 (i am 46 too) .

exP resigned work to be SAHD but was not good at it - tho of course tries to say eh "did everything" - he didnt. he moaned every daya bout what hard lfie ti was haivng to got os chool twice a day once to take once to pick up etc. he never cared for DS 1 (special needs) as i had carer for DS1.

he also has MH issues.

as not married and having been thru TLATA case for house - he is not entitled to anything other than half the equity as jointowned property - but judge has ordered all his share be put towards new house for me and DC. (held as charge on prperty goes back to him hen youngest finishes full time educaiotn) . we also agreed at court he gets £10,000 of his share to go off and find somewhere to live... as currently eh is "cocklodging" in teh Formaer shared home while i rent and remain liable for the mortgage too.

(tho this was based on good market valaution - but actual selling is proving more difficult , anyway, whatever)

i work full time and was given residence.

there are SAHps and there are SAHPs.

if not married - he is entitled to nothing other than his share of any equity in joint owned property.

residence is based on more than just declarations of being SAHP. reality is that such a SAHP wont handle full time residence of DC on their own anyway...

MoreBeta I think you missed the part where I said:

"It's better than being happy to remain a parasite living off someone else when there is no good reason for you not to earn your own money." Raising young children is a good reason. But this guy hasn't worked for the past 15 years!