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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking fucked off (this will be both lengthy and ranty)

136 replies

Tiredtrout · 17/07/2011 23:16

I currently through no fault of my own appear to be living in a fucking soap opera.

My whole year has been shit and I don't seem to be close to the end of the faecal matter.

I love my dh dearly but he cannot cope with any pressure or criticism at all and is about as resilient as balsa wood. In feb last year he was put on a disciplinary at work for gross misconduct. This has happened in every job he's had since I've known him. I helped him resolve it but while researching the misconduct, his work policies and coaching his spineless useless cunt of a union rep on how to get dh off I said to dh that if he lost his job he would have to go. I can't support the whole household on my wage alone. Thought it would sharpen his mind on growing the fuck up.

My dh held on to that till our 10th anniversary in august last year and chose to get me no card, present, and leave me on my own on a campsite for most of the day. We were on holiday camping, he had packed seperate sleeping bags for us too. His message was quite clear. On our return home he told me he wanted to hurt me for what I'd said, cunt.

OP posts:
PenguinArmy · 18/07/2011 04:22

TT I've just read through the thread (and I sorry people are unnecessary dismissive of you earlier).

I am also incredibly sorry for the year you have had and all the conundrums you are now facing. I can offer no help as none of the situations resonate with me, but I hope you get the support you need. I would suggest going over to some of the other boards, miscarriage, relationships to get more support, but I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

EDD24may · 18/07/2011 04:59

Please see your gp in the morning...sounds like you have an infection that needs treating asap.ask for emergency appointment and if reception say no appts ask to speak to Dr...who will insist on seeing you I'm sure.

What an utterly crap time you've had.massive hugs.Xx

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 18/07/2011 05:39

Thanks mitmoo for noticing that I am not pissed, I have ignored all the comments suggesting this, along with the calls of hyper, go to bed or dump him. I am not going to dump my dh over this. Nor over his twattishness at work as I don't have to deal with him there, he can be like marmite, I know this. He is one of these people who can't cope when their children are ill and don't always see what's happening around him. His parents always smothered him and until we got together would try and cut his food up for him.

I'm going to the docs today, I'm beginning to feel quite uncomfortable again

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 18/07/2011 05:57

Sorry I suggested you went to bed Blush although to be fair I ddn't know atthat point that youhadjust had a MC :(

I still stand by the idea of you trying to get some sleep if you can. I know it's not easy

I hope your GP can help you tomorrow. I'm off to bed now

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 18/07/2011 06:32

For what it is worth I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH. He sounds very irresponsible and selfish and it is clearly affecting you and your kids. I would not put up with it.

Sorry about the baby.

Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 07:21

OP, I'm truly sorry for the loss of your little baby. You've been treated horrendously, but leave tackling the hospital until you're stronger. I urge you though, this morning, to get to your GP. You mentioned you were hot and uncomfortable? I'm wondering whether you have some sort of infection, so please get to your Docs ASAP. I could very well be wrong, but all the same, all things considered, get seen. Today.

((((Huge hugs)))) for your trauma. You sound at the end of your tether. Your unsupportive sister cannot be relied upon, so don't even consider her for help because you'll be let down.

Writing here can be very cathartic and there'll be lots of people ready and waiting to listen. Again, I'm deeply sorry for you. You've had a shit time. You need to grieve now.

Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 07:24

Since trying for a baby was a decision you and DH made, perhaps it's time to let go of the reigns a bit and let your DH care for you. I think you sound like an immensely strong lady, who's perhaps had too much to cope with lately. Your DH is used to you stepping up to take the reigns, and perhaps has got used to allowing you to do so. Tell him you need him to be the strong one now. He has to or you're going to crack under all this strain Sad

Loonytoonie · 18/07/2011 07:25

reins, not reigns.

ToothbrushThief · 18/07/2011 07:25

trout
I could write a tale similar to yours. I was the glue holding our family together. It meant I could not contemplate falling apart of putting 'me' first. But you do need to. You are not superhuman and you need to grieve, need to have support and need to break this cycle.

Counselling was massively helpful to me.

I had a late loss like you. Dealing with it was very hard and affected me for years because I didn't/couldn't deal with it. Please get some help with this

CheerfulYank · 18/07/2011 07:47

Oh, my darling. How terrible. I'm so sorry for everything and your loss. You call it a baby all you bloody want to and how dare that nurse speak to you that way? I'm so sorry.

I hope you get everything you need. Please be very gentle with yourself, okay?

Mitmoo · 18/07/2011 09:00

Tired Trout No problem, I was a bit staggered that people couldn't see the pain in your posts but saw beer goggles instead.

If they really wanted to accuse you of being drunk the simplest thing would be to check for typos.

If it was more like this:

"mo propbem I was a but stagered etc." then I could see it but not many people can be near perfect typists when off their faces.

Take no notice it is just board silliness at play.

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 18/07/2011 09:01

I've just finished with my gp. He was very kind. He was shocked by how badly I was treated by the hospital and is willing to support any complaint. He said the iron tablets are exacerbating how bad I'm feeling and obviously as it's intolerable for me I can stop taking them. He did check my blood results first. He has given me a short term prescription for the pill till I feel stronger.

Thanks for your support everyone

OP posts:
Psychovillemum · 18/07/2011 09:06

Hope things start looking up for you soon and you manage to get everything sorted out.

Mitmoo · 18/07/2011 09:06

You are having a hard time Tired and your ex has a selfish streak a mile wide and the,empathy of a gnat. I wondering if you've landed yourself with my ex. Grin

I am glad you are feeling better.

PrincessJenga · 18/07/2011 09:37

Hi Tired, I started reading last night but had to go to sleep so have just caught up. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it and particularly sorry about your miscarriage. You'll probably find that even the nicest of people struggle to know what to say (& sometimes get it terribly, terribly wrong like your mum did) but they are probably trying to help so try to forgive them. You have enough to be upset about already without worrying about their comments too.

Have you managed to get some time off work? If so, can I recommend that you go home, then get yourself settled on the sofa with a duvet and tell DH and DD that you're not moving for a few days and they need to look after you. Do an online food shop if necessary (order lots of cake; essential to recovery! And food they can easily prepare)

It's going to take time for you to feel any better. You're probably going to think about the miscarriage every day. All I can say is that it does get easier (not fixed, just less 'raw') Truly it does. However, in a few months time everyone will expect you to be 'over it'. You won't be. Tell them that! Talk about it. Warn DH that you'll be particularly emotional around your due date and in a year's time. Check out the miscarriage board here and contact the miscarriage association. Ask your GP to refer you for counselling if you need it.

For now, have a Brew and a [hug] and try to get some rest.

shakey1500 · 18/07/2011 10:53

I'm so sorry for your loss and the way you have been treated. I'm glad you've seen the gp today and things are getting sorted.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I also had a mc and was treated badly from everyone I came into contact with. Including going for a scan afterwards to see if I needed a D+C where I was greeted by the sonographer with a jolly "HULLOOO Mrs Shakey, congratulations!!!!! Now let's see how far along we are, are you excited??"

Um no, I am about to kill myself and you clearly haven't read my notes.

Wishing all the very best and hope you get the support you deserve. x

BallerinaBetty · 18/07/2011 13:00

I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Nothing can take away your pain but I hope that knowing that there are people out there who are thinking of you and caring about you will help. It was truly awful of the nurse to speak to you like that - I speak as a mother of an angel baby. I dont know if this will help - did you know that rainbows are painted by angel babies in the sky and when they've finished they all play together sliding down them? Its what we told our little boy when his brother died and it helped us.

I wish I could make it all better for you - you have had a really really tough time of it honey. Now is the time to be kind to yourself - don't stress about other people just put yourself first for a while.

I'm thinking of you.

HappyDoll · 18/07/2011 16:54

Oh dear. Tiredtrout I so hoped this was going to end differently. I'm so sorry.

I haven't been in your exact situation, but I have lost a baby so I understand a little of the hell you are going through. It's great that you have vented and I hope it's made you feel better. Now you need to think only of things that will make you feel good. I'm thinking tea, hot baths, pedicures, shopping, reading. Whatever you need. Ignore the snarky comments from family who are busy saying outrageously innappropriate remarks and employ them to be useful.

"Yes mum, I have gained some weight and tbh I'm going to gain more if someone doesn't help me out with the cooking, fancy doing us some batch cooking so I can feed the family good food even though I'm knackered?"
"DH, is there space in the home budget for a cleaner for a few hours over the next few weeks, I just need to take the pressure off"
"Friends, can you help out with the school runs / take DCs for a few days in the holidays so I can get a break?"
...that sort of thing.

You need a rest, a good rest. And then you will probably decide you need some grief counselling. I had 6 months after losing DD and I wouldn't be standing today if I hadn't. It's time to stop and focus only on you.

knobbysEx · 18/07/2011 19:03

Just want to add to the list of people so sorry for the time you've had, your story has made me cry, I can't imagine how low you must be feeling. It can't be easy at all, and there are so many issues in your post, but I think you need to concentrate on getting yourself healthy again before making any decisions about the future. I agree with other posters, and would suggest you get counselling, or a bloody good friend to lean on for a while. I hope the rant helped a little, and to know everyone is rooting for you, and would help in any way they could..

FWIW, I've been through some of the things you've described, I don't want to go into them now as this is about you.
In a nutshell, I got strong, I left, and me, my kids, my sanity and my bank balance have been so much happier since. I hope you feel better soon, do what's right for YOU. x

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 20/07/2011 16:14

A little update, I feel a lot stronger now, I went to the hospital today and collected my baby so I could arrange my own cremation. The hospital have apologised for their actions and there is to be an investigation into how badly I was treated as alot of it was against their policy.

I have my baby with me at home, it was a little boy that I have named Adam, I'm going to be taking him to the undertakers tomorrow but it helps just to know that he is safe. He was perfect. I have already had counselling arranged for me through work and start it tomorrow. My DH has been very supportive and has been looking after me well

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/07/2011 16:36

How many weeks pregnant were you TT

honeyandsalt · 20/07/2011 16:53

Thanks for the update, been wondering how you are.

So glad you're starting to get the support you deserve, I just... such a sad story. Feel really bad for you and the situation and the baby. At least you got him back from the hospital.

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 20/07/2011 17:01

I was only 11 weeks but had seen him at all the scans and had heard his heart beat Smile

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 20/07/2011 21:10

You were not 'only 11 weeks'. You were pregnant with a baby, had plans, had expectations and hopes. The loss of him.... is a lot of loss. Don't minimise it OP. It is a lot of loss. Weeks matter not. Expectation and hopes counts far more

honeyandsalt · 20/07/2011 23:35

toothbrush thief - I'm sure you meant to be supportive in your comment, but you're missing the wood for the trees here. Just because she said "only 11 weeks" does in any way mean she is meaning to minimise anything and it is deeply offensive to suggest so. You owe the OP an apology, read her comments more carefully and you will see that she is grieving quite enough without you telling her how she should be coming across, what words she should be writing to reassure you she is dealing with things in some way you approve of. FGS.