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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect your ex to give you a holiday address

77 replies

Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 08:34

My ex is taking my son away and I've asked for the address of where they are staying, my son has hf autism and can get into difficulty, I need to know where my son is so I can get there if needed.

My ex has a piddle poor past history of being a responsible parent even driving off on one occasion and leaving him in the middle of nowhere, not knowing if he had the money or if I was available to collect him. Son has recently been suicidal and is still fragile.

I've just asked for where he's taking son and he's gone off of one.

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 15/07/2011 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 08:39

I think that might be a part of the problem, he knows I don't trust him. Other than that he's just a moody git and likes to remind me just how clever I was to divorce his sorry butt! Grin

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 15/07/2011 08:45

You don't need to know unless something happens that you need to know. Do you tell your parents or friends exactly where you are going ahead of an emergency? Or will 'Devon' or 'Madeira' do? I suspect you are anxious, which is making you over-ccontrolling.

MumblingRagDoll · 15/07/2011 08:48

I wouldn't let him go....BOF she might need to contact them...he's her son who has Autism....there's nothing wrong with having his address! the Ex sounds like the controlling one to me...why wont he give it!?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 15/07/2011 08:49

YANBU. I think I'd be reluctant to let my DS go in those circumstances.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 08:50

Bitoffun: Did you miss the bit where he left his HD autistic son in the middle of nowhere not knowing or caring if he could get home or not?

That's just an example of how irresponsible he is with is son, far from being over-controlling he's damned lucky I agreed to let my son go at all.

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 15/07/2011 08:50

HAve you told him he has to give the address or DS won't be going anywhere?

silverfrog · 15/07/2011 08:52

agree with BoF.

I can understand why you are worried. how would oyur ds (how old is he?) contact you if he needed to? does he have a mobile?

if you are needed, then you will be contacted and you will know where to go.

BitOfFun · 15/07/2011 08:53

My daughter is autistic. My ex still takes her on holiday without me needing the map coordinates. If something goes wrong, I'm sure he would let me know.

Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2011 08:53

The fact that he 'has gone off on one' shows that he isn't taking your sons condition seriously and he is game playing rather than is doing what is right.

It is your duty to know where your son is if he isn't with you, even if you have shared PR and you know that he is with his DF, because of his Autism and vunerability, at present.

All plans regarding your DS, should be being discussed and agreed on between you.

You need to sort out his attitude or he should not be allowed to take him on holiday. I would put very clear conditions on your DS staying with him because he has once left him on his own, yur son is a very vunerable young person and needs a certain level of care and commitment.

FWIW i think that if you had an adult relative and they were Autistic and sucicidal and said that they were going to 'Devon' or Maderia' without discussing their holiday, then you would have cause for concern.

bubblesincoffee · 15/07/2011 08:54

I don't give my ex the exact details of where I'm staying when I take our dc away without him, or need the exact details of where he takes them, but then I do trust him and that's the big difference. We also stay in touch by text or phone, or if he goes away with family then I could contact other family members easily.

If you have a good reason to feel like you can't trust your ex, then I would not let him to.

I see it as all or nothing, you either trust him and can let your ds go whether or not you have the details, or you don't trust him and your ds shouldn't be going.

silverfrog · 15/07/2011 08:55

mitmoo, if you think that there is any chance of repeat of that situation happning, then you are perfectly right to not let your ds go.

if you do agree to him going, though, you have to accept that you trust your ex enough with your ds. and that means not controlling this.

even if you had the address, this would not mean that a repeat woudl not happen - you would not know where your ds was, at that time, to be collected.

does your ds have a mobile?

I woudl work on your ds being able to give you proper info, even whenworried, as to his whereabouts. and get him a mobile. then he can always ring you if needed, and tell you the necessary info.

we have worked on this a lot with my dd1 (severe ASD). she is learning how to ask people for help, and what to ask them (where she is, where the information desk is in a shopping centre etc)

MumblingRagDoll · 15/07/2011 08:58

Yes....you don't sound at all happy about this trip....maybe don't let him go?

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:00

Silver yes he has a mobile but that's no good if he can't give me the address of where he is, a caravan site in a field isn't going to get me there.

Bit of Fun: I assume your ex hasn't abandoned your DS in the middle of nowhere or other dumb ass parenting nonsense?#

Birdsgotafly: You've got it, that is exactly where I am coming from.

Bubbles: It's a judgement call, I have prevented other holidays because they have been to close to certain incidents and needed reassurance. The deal is he can take him but if my son gets into difficulty I will get straight to him so my son has this knowledge and feels more secure and safe and that's important.

I don't fully trust him but having the address is my insurance policy if you like so that if it goes belly up, I'll get there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:04

Ex is also very sneaky, he doesn't talk to me about holidays he books them linked to my son's hobby, gets him excited and doesn't even give me the dates, I have to rely on getting those via my son which is hit and miss.

My ex doesn't even want overnights at home so it is just a common courtesy surely to tell the resident parent that you are planning a holiday, anything could clash.

I thought they were leaving after school but he's even booked in on a school day and I have to square that off with the school.

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/07/2011 09:05

If he has a history of not supervising your son appropriately then you need to address that through the proper channels - ie solicitor etc. I can totally understand where you are coming from in that your ex has been irresponsible and not cared for your son adequately.

However, if your ex is trusted enough to look after your son, and the courts have deemed it appropriate for him to have unsupervised access, then you need to let him go on the holiday.

I am on holiday in a different part of the country to where I live. My ex demanded address/phone numbers and I did not give them to him. If he wants to contact me, he can get me on my mobile and both DD1 and DD2 have mobiles should he wish to talk to them. My view is if I have them, or equally if he has them, then it is up to us where we go and what we do.

sausagesandmarmelade · 15/07/2011 09:05

How old was your son when your ex drove off and left him in the middle of no-where?

You should have been given details of where they were staying....definitely

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 09:05

Is there a contact order?
How old is he?
After the issue of nowhere incident, how was it handled?
Is ds reluctant to go?

silverfrog · 15/07/2011 09:08

like I said, you need to work on your ds' skills to ensure he can let you know details if necessary - especially given the situation you outlined of being abandoned in the middle of nowhere - how did you get to him that itme?

how old is your ds?

I find it interesting that BoF and I are the main ones disagreeing with you, and we have children with ASD ourselves. we live this life (well, I don't have an ex, but do have a stepdaughter with AS too, so have had dealings with planning stuff with exes where ASD is concenred), and know what the problems might be. and find ways around them.

Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2011 09:08

OP- given your sons 'state' at the moment, you need a 'united front' if he won't agree to that then you are within your rights to block any holiday plans.

If he took you to court, the court would think that it was ridiculous not to give you the address of were they are staying.

Is he a good dad generally?

Would he put your DS 'at risk' to get at you? If he would then its simple, your DS doesn't go.

Oakmaiden · 15/07/2011 09:10

Do you have to give your ex the address when you take the ds on holiday?

Even if you are the resident parent, that doesn't change the fact that your son is your ex's son too. He is also his parent. He gets to make decisions and plans without your express permission, just like you do.

I agree that you ex is being pointless ly awkward, but really, unless you want to go to court about him not being responsible enough to have sole charge of your son, then there is really nothing you can do.

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 09:11

Birds.... How do you know? What 'rights' are these you speak of?

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:12

Sausage: ILT The court case is seriously old now but it ended in an Indirect Contact Order only, legally the latest order says only letters and telephone calls. My solicitor told me that only 1 percent of all orders are indirect.

As my son got older I allowed supervised contact only for a few years then to unsupervised and built on that, it's been very difficult. I could have refused contact completely but I always review and to whats best for my son at the time.

My son is 14 now he was 12 then. Holiday is linked to one of his obsessions so he desperately wants to go because he'll spend the whole time around his favourite stuff but swings between being angry at Dad when he's an idiot and naturally he loves him too.

It was extremely unpleasant for him to see his Dad going off at his Mum for nothing, he doesn't appreciate that you don't do that in front of your child.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 09:15

Sounds difficult! Discretional contact is hard to get right. Does ds have a mobile?

(I got a 'no order' ex got zero. Section 91. But considering some contact)

sausagesandmarmelade · 15/07/2011 09:15

I think you had/have a right to know where he has taken your child (he is still legally a child) and you should contact him by phone to insist you know where they are (you seem to have some clues).

If he cannot comply with your wishes then you shouldn't allow him to take your child away in future.