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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect your ex to give you a holiday address

77 replies

Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 08:34

My ex is taking my son away and I've asked for the address of where they are staying, my son has hf autism and can get into difficulty, I need to know where my son is so I can get there if needed.

My ex has a piddle poor past history of being a responsible parent even driving off on one occasion and leaving him in the middle of nowhere, not knowing if he had the money or if I was available to collect him. Son has recently been suicidal and is still fragile.

I've just asked for where he's taking son and he's gone off of one.

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/07/2011 09:15

Mitmoo - you really should be very careful about letting someone who the court deems inappropriate to care for your son alone take him anywhere.

I wouldn't, and I hugely fall into the "if he's got them it's up to him what he does" school of thought.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/07/2011 09:16

So, to all those who are saying Mitmoo has a right to know, the court would say you must provide an address etc - does that mean I am breaking the law, since the ex doesn't know exactly where we are and I didn't give him an address?

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 09:18

There's no laws here to be broken!

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:20

Birds, no he's not a good Dad never has been, even when we were together he wouldn't feed him, change a nappy, bathe him nothing. He didnt even bother to turn up to take us home from hospital. He may go from 4 - 6 weeks without seeing him although he does call most days. He never wanted him for overnights and has never asked in a decade to have him stay in his home.

Now he is a teen it is better as they are both very much into sports so have more areas in common and sports they can share. He left him at one sports event as mentined.

He gets extremely frustrated with my son as he doesn't understand AS and until I let rip (out of son's hearing) he'd say things like "what's up with him, that's not normal" in front of him. I could go on, I really could. At that point I did tell him say that again and say goodbye to his son.

I tried to tell him that son is refusing to eat at the moment because he wants to be anorexic so he's got to persuade him to eat something even if it's a sandwich. He just dismisses it and doesn't even try to understand.

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/07/2011 09:21

ILT - in my case the ex has a history of being massively controlling. He did ask for an address and landline number but since we are staying at an address connected to DP there is no way he was getting it.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:21

Fuckme: If you are not subject to a court order then you can't be breaking the law. Family courts and legal courts are different places. Even if you were subject to a court order and took your child away not telling, all your ex could do would be to bring it back to court, the police wouldn't turn up or anything like that.

OP posts:
Happyposternow · 15/07/2011 09:21

I think you either trust him or you don't.
If you don't trust him to look after your son don't let him go

Who'd ring you in the emergency?
And they'd have to be exactly in the place where they said they'd be when the emergency happened.

If I had genuine worries I wouldn't let him go.

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 09:23

Usually, at 14, contact will be led by the child. So if ds is happy to go you would have to go with it

Having said that, I have no exp of autism so find it hard to help you with this! Good luck tho.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:24

Fuckme: Re Court order, the court order is over 10 years old. It was the ex who took me to court to get unsupervised, which at that time would have been a cold day in hell and fought him.

If the ex took me back to court now which would just be a waste of money, that order would be overturned without a shadow of a doubt. But yes I see where you are coming from, ex could easily get that order overturned because there has been contact.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2011 09:27

ILT- just speaking as a parent of a DC with LD's, a CP SW and someone who has been involved with C&F for along time. The 'rights' are given that the OP has a responsibility to safeguard her DS, he is disabled and vunerable (suicidal).

I know that you are ex police, would you say 'go ahead' given the vunerability of the DS and the fact that the ex is using that to get at the OP. I don't know when you left but if one parent now makes a bad judgement on leaving very vunerable DC's in the care of someone, even their DF, then an order can be got, in the interests of the child, based on the fact that the parents have shown that they don't have the ability to make judgements that won't put their DC at any sort of 'risk'.

Parents should be communicating that is why the court can appoint a representative to liase between them if they will not speak to each other. Non communication should be a deal breaker if the Dc 'flags' up under more than one safeguarding catagory.

Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2011 09:28

ILT- 14 wouldn't be a benchmark for an Autistic child or one that was suicidal, as it would then come under CAHM's (mental health).

Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2011 09:30

OP- the court would overturn the order but it would insist on communication between you.

The fact is that he is game playing and why would you be hapy to do that if your child has a disability and is suicidal?

That is not a sign of a good parent.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:30

Happy: I don't want to deprive my son of a sporting holiday that he's looking forward to everything I do has a risk to it. If I stop it, my son could become suicidal again. He gets very down very quickly and we are only just recovering from an incident a few weeks back.

Stopping him going carries risks, letting him go less so but I don't trust the ex.

I know if I went to court just as ILT says, if my son wanted to go, the order would be for him to go as child led at that age.

This way is a compromise, my son knows that if he gets upset, he just calls me and I'll be there within a couple of hours. The last thing I need is for him to feel that his Dad has gone again (as happened before) and he has no way to get to me because I am hours away.

SO I've told him, any problems and he just phones me, I'll get there within a couple of hours, but he will have a great time.

For the record when I've been away, I've volunteered flght numbers, name of hotel etc. I can't see what is to hide, why not?
M

OP posts:
LineRunner · 15/07/2011 09:31

The other issue is (and I've experienced this from my own perspective), if anything happened to you whilst this holiday was happening, how would your family or the police notify your son?

I just think it's odd not giving contact details.

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 09:32

Birds, I think if he has PR the same rights extend to the father

But op contact order is confusing. No PR has been mentioned.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 15/07/2011 09:33

Linerunner - in my case, if anything happened to me, the police or my family could contact ex on his mobile.

Why wouldn't they do that in Mit's case?

GypsyMoth · 15/07/2011 09:34

As he has a holiday obsession can you not get info from him op? Is he planning things to do etc?

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:34

Birds: Thanks I thought it would be CAFCASS again but theyd be expected to discuss with CAMHS before deciding. As son is HF and would tell CAMHS he really wants to go I think it would happen anyway.

BTW It's just for two nights thankfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:36

ILT we were married so JPR is automatic as on the birth certificate.

The contact order supercedes that but is really defunked though technically active, because it was made for a small child not a towering teenager.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 15/07/2011 09:37

mitmoo: that situation (he calls you and you willbe there in a couple of hours) can still happen.

work on him having the necessary skills to know where he is.

he is 14. there are roadsigns, the campsite has a name, he can find out the nearest town/village whatever.

if he wants to go, there are things he can do to help you, and to help it happen.

and then you will not be reliant on your ex for the information. and if the worst happens, and your ex drives off and leaves your ds again, he will know how to work out what information you need in order to be able to get here to help him.

give him these skills.

on the face of it, in the driving off situation, there would be little differnce between your ds calling you and saying "mum, he's done it again" and you leaping in the car, and him calling you and saying "mum, he's done it again, I am at X, near Y" and you leaping in the car. the time differnce is negligible, even if you have to talk it through with him(how o get the info) while on the phne (i have had to do similar with my dsd).

your ds knowig he has these skills will also help reduce his anxieties about it all - he will know that between you, you can work it out.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:39

ILT they will be at an event during the day, so the holiday will be doing the event day one and watching the event for the next two days, so I pretty much know where he'll be during the days of the events and in the evenings.

The ex didn't tell my son where they were staying just the City they're in.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2011 09:39

ILT- the DF doesn't 'accept' the DC's Autism, there has been no mention of wether there has been a discussion about the risk of suicide, so they don't have equal 'rights' just because they share PR, when it comes to holidays.

OP- If your ex will not take him just because he has to give you address then he is letting your DS down badly. You have to view up the pros and cons and decide if there is any chance that things will go wrong.

It is a pity that you broke the order without having this sorted out, first.

mummytime · 15/07/2011 09:42

Have you thought of using something like this?

Birdsgottafly · 15/07/2011 09:46

Op- as long as you know the city, then it is just a matter of deciding wether you can trust your ex, which you have already done.

As others have said, just prepare your DS, incase of emergancy.

Original poster
Mitmoo · 15/07/2011 09:47

Silver, we've done all of that and he can do it, if there are signs. When he fled school he got to a shop he knows to call me, no mobiles allowed at school. If he is upset or scared though, he doesn't think straight, he just runs, panics and it's hard to reason with him.

It's easier if I know, so if he needs me I am on my way.

I've got the address and they've left.

Guess who will be glued to the phone until Sunday.

OP posts: