To expect your ex to give you a holiday address

[Mitmoo]

My ex is taking my son away and I've asked for the address of where they are staying, my son has hf autism and can get into difficulty, I need to know where my son is so I can get there if needed.

My ex has a piddle poor past history of being a responsible parent even driving off on one occasion and leaving him in the middle of nowhere, not knowing if he had the money or if I was available to collect him. Son has recently been suicidal and is still fragile.

I've just asked for where he's taking son and he's gone off of one.

pink - I guess because mobiles don't always pick up a signal, sometimes run out of charge, and can be switched off or ignored.

I fully understand autistic panics.

that is what you need to work on - he needs to be able to calm down enough to find out the info, and think straight.

I have been through this with one teen with AS; it is difficult, and time consuing, and of course you don't stop worrying.

I am going to go through it at some point with my dd1. she is only 6 atm, so as I said earlier, the stuff we are working on is eg - find a shop, stay in it and ask for help (eg when in a shopping centre).

a lot of the stress and anxiety your ds is under will be being picked up on form the fact that you and ex do not have a great relationship. working on getting your ds to be able to cope under pressure (even if coping under pressure is calling oyu, and ahving to be talked through what he needs to do) will negate that anxiety.

if you know your ds can do that, and he knows, then you never have to have the address/contact conversation with your ex again.

I hope he has a great time, btw - have you got anything planned to take your mind off it a bit?

Mummy: Great idea I hope I don't need it.
Birds: Legally he can't take the child away because of the order which is a good thing because I now can say if I think son can cope. I don't trust CAFCASS with my son's health and welfare and should hate for it to be in the hands of the court again. I would never volunteer myself to go back into a courtroom again ever about contact issues.

Son is prepared for emergency and know he knows that I know where he is.

Silver: I will always need the address because as you know telling a child with autism how to cope in a meltdown, how to cope when stressed, how to get out of difficult situations, when the meltdown happens, it is common for all of that to go out of the window.

One of his coping mechanisms is that he calls me and I will get to him.

If the ex is prepared to take away one of his coping mechanisms, even if he never needs to use it, then he is too irresponsible to be allowed to take my son away and it won't happen.

mitmoo, with respect, that coping mechanism is a little short sighted.

I do know how it all goes out of the window. but you need to give your ds the skills to cope with this.

there are several "what if" situations where having hte address woudl not be enough. your ds needs to start being able to collect the informaiton for himself - maybe ahead of time, so that he has it in an emergency. the equivalent of going to a hotel and reading the fire escape route notices, I suppose - the information is there for him at any time. he could gather it before there is an emergency.

but he does need ot begin to think these things through. I (and her parents) have just talked dsd through years at university. phoning is all vey well - what if his phone doesn't have a signal? what if yours doesn't? he needs to be able to cope (to a degree) then, and work out what to do next.

I do understand being your child's safety net in that way, but the day may come where you cannot be - what will happen then?

Silver: With respect, I'll let you know his autism support worker thinks that one of my strategies is short sighted. She actually thought it was a great idea, essential infact.

If it all goes out of the window then by definition he would not be coping, so we put in layers of different coping mechanisms, he calls me and I get to him being one. The point is that he can't collect information for himself ahead of time as Dad wont tell him or me, so he can't. It is a brand new place to him which is difficult as he is in unfamiliar surroundings.

Of course I teach him the strategies you mention but the reality is they may not work. I am sure you appreciate that autism is a huge spectrum and no two children are the same, the same child can cope better one day and not the next, one mechanism may be fine Monday but fail totally on Friday. He's needs a range and I'm not prepared to exclude one without a good reason.

If his phone doesn't have a signal then one coping mechanism has been removed through noones fault. I think you are mistaking him having the phone to me as being his ONLY mechanism, the fact is, it is ONE of many coping mechanisms. Totally different.

To deliberately and unnecessarily remove a child's coping mechanism devoid of any sane reason, is, I am sure you'll agree irresponsible.

YABU, you don't need the address of where they are going

to insist, to the point where his dad gets angry at you in fornt of him, on having the address (a fact that your ds can easily supply to you once they get there) is irresponsible, if you ask me.

it is not a necessary piece of information for you to have, at the point of departure.

we are clearly not going to agree on this.

but I know that I would not be insisting on the informaiton you have been if my dsd ws going away (and have not done so; neither has her dad. her mum has, on occasion, but more to be awkward than anythign else - it cause high stress to dsd, and onceher mum stopped asking the awkward questions, dsd's anxiety reduced hugely)

obviously no 2 childrne are the same.

if your ds has a range of coping mechanis,s, then the address is even less important, tbh. I fail to see why you need to know it before they even leave.

you have his mobile number, and presumably your ex's. your ds is able to find out information as necessary (outwith a meltdown situation), so why cause all the stress in the first place?

you knew oyur ex woudl be awkward abotu ti - he has been before. why put his back up (he will not be as tolerant of your ds' neds, as he is already irritated by them), you will not relax - your ds will be a bit anxious a he knows you are upset - what was the point?

Silver: I asked politely for the address, I told the Dad last night that I would get it today and he said "no problem". I asked he went off on one. If you got back to the OP you will see it is all there, "no insisting to the point Dad gets angry" that was just creatively written and an imagined scenario. I don't know why people need to make things ups to underscore their points but it is a common experience.

There is no point in me trying to find out after they've left, they'd have gone. I'd asked the night before by phone and he'd agreed for this morning. I had no way of knowing that a polite request already agreed on would be met with a total overreaction.

You say I knew this would happen but how could I have known? He'd agreed to giving it to me on the phone the night before when we had a perfectly reasonable discussion about what items son would need to pack?

It is hard to answer most of your points because they are based on erroneous assumptions that you have made and not on anything that was posted.

First of all I have to say that it's common courtesy to let the other parent know where they are going but then I don't feel it's absolutely necessary to insist upon the exact address.

What difference does it make now you have the full address? What would you do with it? Nothing. It's simply peace of mind and in many cases just a form of control over the other parent.

You either trust your ex or you don't. To say you don't yet then let him go off on holiday is simple not logical. If I didn't trust my ex to take reasonable care (emphasis on reasonable) then quite simply the kids wouldn't go. I don't care what any court order says. If she couldn't keep my kids fed, watered and safe then they don't go. Period.

In actual fact what's really being argued here is not an address, it's control. You want to exert control over your ex and he's resisting.

Niceguy how is asking for an address exercising control.

If I wanted to be controlling I'd have stopped my son going. "Can you give me the address please" doesn't really come under the banner heading of control. It's not like I'm going to visit!

if you know the city and the people runing the sports camp then you should be ok - you can contact the organizers. make sure they have your contact details. presumably some kind of form was filled in to take part? emergency numbers etc?

make sure Ds knows who to go to if worried eg sports course organizers; police; etc

CEST: It's not a sports camp but a public sports event the organisers wouldn't be able to help as they are not in charge of the spectators. No forms etc would have been needed. Good advice just doesn't apply on this occasion.

I can see where you're coming from OP, but I also agree with BOF and Silverfrog. I also wonder, if your ex isn't to be trusted, how can you trust him to give you the right address/location details anyway? I think that the more you try to control (for your son's benefit), the more your pig of an ex will try to thwart that control. If you really feel it's a concern, refuse the holiday and take your son there yourself.

If I felt as you do, I wouldn't let him go - you can't always be there 'right away', it's not feasible if they're miles away. The advice that you should give your son skills to get himself to a safe place, use his mobile to call you, use his money to feed himself and look after himself until you get there, is priceless.

It's crap though, parents should rise about whatever nastiness they feel about their ex-partner for the sake of their child(ren). Some can be so very petty.

there will be people in charge tho to help spectators who are lost etc - tho - ticket office, reception, st johns ambulance people.

there will be reception desk at whatever hotel/b and b/campsite.

does DS have medica alert bracelet with your detials on or some such

how many nights they away for?

Cest: Just two thank goodness. I'm trying not to say where they are just because it is the net, but ticket offices etc will be a long way away, it is over probably around 4 miles odd. I've told him to find someone who looks like they work there if he needs it or to get away from the crowd and call.

He'll probably have a great time and I'll have worried for nothing.

No he does'nt have any medical alert.

Yanbu. Of course he should let you know where they are staying. When my xp saw the kids I knew where he was taking them (park / friends house) and he knew where I was off to (gym / supermarket). Its nothing to do with being controlling, just common sense.

*Niceguy how is asking for an address exercising control.

If I wanted to be controlling I'd have stopped my son going. "Can you give me the address please" doesn't really come under the banner heading of control. It's not like I'm going to visit!*

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask. But what i mean is that to continue to push the matter and turn it into...well an issue. Then it became a control issue between you & your ex.

Like you say, you're not going to visit....so what difference does it make?

My ex is taking our kids on holiday next week. All I know is that it's in Northumberland somewhere. Having the exact location makes no odds to me. Like you, i'm not planning on going.

The key question is if something does go wrong, do you trust your ex to call you? If you do then all's well. Relax and enjoy your break. If not, well you have more fundamental issues to sort out.

Of course you need to know where your son will be on holiday! Any parent would want to know where their child was staying for two weeks, surely?

Lying: All of the advice given re coping has already been done both by myself and autism support service have been invaluable in recent weeks too.

The phone and having the contact details is one more layer of options that are open to him. It will take me a couple of hours to get there so he'll have to cope until then, I am hoping that won't be necessary.

I know he loves his son and his son loves him but that doesn't mean that I trust him entirely because I don't. BUT my son is older now, getting more capable though he does give me worries, it's hard because on the one hand I have to let him grow up. have different experiences and not just me, but there are also safety nets that I want into place just in case.

It's hard because there is no hard and fast right or wrong on this one as is the case with so much that relates to parenting.

I'd have thought so duchess, when I went away I wrote the flight numbers and hotels down for him, then handed them to him. He didnt have to ask.

Thankfully it is just a couple of days I wouldn't let him go for a couple of weeks in alll honesty.

It sounds very hard. no right/wrong answers, Mitmoo. Did your ex ever give any explanation why he left your son that time he did? It sounds very odd. As you say, he loves his son so he wouldn't see harm come to him, but it still must set your teeth on edge, it would mine.

How old is your son ILT. If you got down the discretional route, and it kind of worked for us, then you are opening the door for the ex to go back to court.

When my son got older I started with supervised contact short periods public places and built on that. Fortunately he was heartfelt sick of taking me to court and decided not to go back.

my dd is autistic, i wouldnt ask for address. i would want to know were they are going roughly but the ins and out are none of my business because that is there time just as when they are with me its not any of his, unless in case of emergency or directly related information.
if my ex was so incompetent i would not agree to an unsupervised holiday.

OP
yanbu

if i were you and decided to let him go, i would put a tracker in ds mobile so you will know where he is, should you need to go rescue him.

might be a good back up- i dont know how high functioning he is- would an sos band with your details be appropriate?