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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:
joric · 17/07/2011 09:50

You've got a good man there. He has agreed? I wouldn't have as I think YANBU.
I think I've got this right...
You don't like your maiden name because of your relationship with your dad- that's understandable. Your children have your x's name because he is their dad. Your new DP is the father of your baby and you want to give the baby your x's name?
No idea why you would want to give your's and DP's baby the name you took when married to another man...
Sorry, I've read your posts again and I still think it's weird.

joric · 17/07/2011 09:51

That should read at top YABU not YANBU

houseofheave · 17/07/2011 09:57

Glad to hear that your DP is happy with it.

I think it would be very strange for only one child in your family to have a different name to their mum and their siblings.

I've never got the whole "you have to give a child the fathers name" thing. I've got so many friends who've been left with children with a different surname to them when their relationship has broken up. Both of my children have my surname and I'm married!

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 10:00

i know joric he is very lovely and not at all hung up on what a lot of men would see as there patriarchal right or the basis of society so that makes me a happy bunny, you have to pick right some times.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 10:01

We have one DC with a different surname-it isn't in the least strange-lots do.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 10:08

some people dont find it strange exotic. some people would rather avoid it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/07/2011 10:08

Names don't have that much importance to everyone.

We considered choosing a new surname when we got married as I didn't want to take on DH's, only reasons we didn't was laziness. We have friends who did just that. They made up a surname, changed their names and their children have the new surname.

Tradition dictates that a child have it's fathers surname, but tradition isn't always right and people can make up their own new traditions if they want to.

There are no 'rules' and no 'shoulds', only what people want to do.

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 10:19

I will leave you to it. You asked for opinions-I gave it and you don't like it! I am not going to be browbeaten into saying that names and family and heritage are not important to me. I don't expect them to be important to everyone, I expect you to be quite happy in your choice -BUT you asked and I seem to be getting into trouble for giving my honest answer!

Perhaps you should have said -only reply if in favour.

AandK · 17/07/2011 10:24

I understand you wanting to give the child the same name as you but you might marry your new partner. I also think you can't give a child the name of a different man than the one of its father!!!
Think about your child when its older??? It would probably be upset if it didn't have the same name as its father!

MyLifeIsChaotic · 17/07/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2011 10:37

exotic, I find it very interesting what you say about the feminist threads. Might take a wander over there at some point and we can argue our feminist credentials together Smile.

I always thought feminism was about choice and freedom to live as you please. By changing my name I was exercising my right to be shallow have a name I liked more. I have a male friend who didn't like his last name, so chose a new one and changed it by deed poll and I can't see that changing a name by marriage is any different.

honeyandsalt · 17/07/2011 10:49

There's still an assumption going on here that her ex owns her name, that she'll be calling her new child "after" him, that there's no connection between her new child and their surname. How about that it's the baby's mother's NAME, she has choosen to be known as N. for half her life, it is who she IS now, to her it no longer simply means "wife of Mr N." it is her choice that it is her surname. So she's not calling kiddo after XH, she's calling him or her after HERSELF. Blood connection.

You can sputter 'til you're blue in the face that you're not being anti-feminist but until you grasp the simple notion that spooks has choosen the surname she wants and therefore it belongs to her and not her flipping ex, you are. Names aren't coded into our DNA by whatever man you happen to be associated with at the time you know Hmm

Latemates · 17/07/2011 11:01

There is no simp,e answer because....
If mum remarries all her children will have a different name to her.

If new baby has her name and her other childrens name it still does not have same name as all their siblings as father has children too.... Are these children not as important as the mother trumps the father.

What if god forbid mother died... The children from first marriage would live with father but the new baby would be separated from these siblings to live with a man who in OP own words she may not stay with and who if they break up would not be that involved as the baby would naturally be cared for solely by her and a man who the child may believe didn't care about his child enough to give it his name.

I agree with what others have said... You do not know how the baby will feel as it grows up

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 11:12

huh? i would not take any ones else's name if i remarried, i would kind of be making a piss poor point if i was to wouldn't i? so in you opinion lately a father shows he cares for a child by giving it his name... how does a mother show she cares for her child?
i could die but that is not really something i can control is it and if we all spend our whole lives planning for what may happen if we die the world would be a very different place.
those siblings are different obviously because they are not my children i have no control over their name and therefore dont think about it it would be foolish to.
i never said i may not stay with this man but i implied that i would be primary carer in the instance of a relationship break down. this is a very new relationship and an unplanned pregnancy can put unwelcome strain on things. it would be naive to assume that it will last forever, however that does not mean that i think it wont last either.
i do wish people would read the thread properly if they are going to comment on such things.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 12:04

exotic, I find it very interesting what you say about the feminist threads. Might take a wander over there at some point and we can argue our feminist credentials together

You need to be much stronger on there than you are on AIBU. You may have missed it recently, but there have been several threads about the problems of bullying on there. I wouldn't recommend trying it!

To put it another way, if you met a man who had taken his first wife's name and made it his name-would you want your DC called after his first wife? It seems the same to me. I wouldn't-but maybe people wouldn't mind.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 12:12

i thought you had flounced exotic Grin
that has already been said and as i said at the time it would have to be give due consideration as it would be my dp name but ultimately wouldnt make much difference in this instance because i would still want to give the baby my name.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 13:14

I hadn't flounced-I had just left you to it. I was answering karma, I have put my views on the feminist thread that are exactly the same as hers and said that to me feminism was about choice and the politest reply I got was 'that I was naive'. AIBU is very mild compared to feminist/women's rights!

I just came back with my thought that if my DH had made his first wife's name his own name and he wanted his DC with me to fit with his other DCs I wouldn't like it. We are all different. I conclude you would be quite happy as that is what you are doing the other way around. (some men do take their wife's name-there is no hard and fast rule)

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 17/07/2011 13:29

How strange that people seem so obsessed with the BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION aspect! The name does have a biological connection to the baby, it is the mother's surname! Or is it only ok to give a child its mother's surname if the mother had that surname from birth? What if the mother was adopted and gives her child her surname? It wasn't hers from birth! Or what if a woman chooses to change her name because she rejects her father? (as this woman in the OP has done, marriage was just a convenient reason seemingly) and gives the child her chosen surname - is that not ok because it has no biological connection?

Names are only labels - they don't necessarily denote a biological connection as family is about more than biology! Regardless, the name is the OP's name and she has the right to give it to her child! Doesn't really matter where the name came from. The child will still know where he/she comes from, and will be raised by its father.

As to your last point exotic - if I had a DC with a man and agreed to give it his surname I wouldn't really care where he acquired that surname. I think I would probably give any future hypothetical DCs my name anyway.

AandK · 17/07/2011 15:26

Why don't you change your name to that of your partners? Your other children will have their fathers and you can and your new partner and child can have the same name.

It is quite common to do this.

My ds has my surname because I changed it from his fathers as I am the one raising him and if I got married I would take my partners and any children would be my partners and then my ds could choose for himself he could keep his surname or he could change it to ours.

Isn't it the childs choice at the end of the day?

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 15:40

no a and k its not the childs choice its mine and dp, if the baby wants its fathers name when older it can do that. again changing my name to my dp would be defeating the purpose i think people are starting to deliberately take things the wrong way now.

OP posts:
AandK · 17/07/2011 15:43

You asked peoples opinions (the point of mn) we have all expressed it! I just gave you a couple of ideas.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2011 15:46

exotic, a 'feminist' who tries to impose their views on you as the 'right' view and refuses to respect your right to a different opinion and to make a different choice, is no feminist imo.

I think I'd be okay on the feminist board - can argue til the cows come home and am not easily intimidated. The only reason I haven't been over there yet is because I spend so much bloody time on chat and AIBU, that I haven't had a chance to look at it yet.

Karbea · 17/07/2011 15:56

Surely you baby should take your new husbands surname shouldn't he/she?

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 16:06

I can argue until the cows come home, karma-or until people get bored and stop posting Grin feminism/women's rights defeated me-it can be a blood bath!

I think that you will set yourself up for a lifetime of people questioning it, spooks. I don't think they ought to-but they will as in Karbea who has commented without reading most of it!

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 16:09

at karbea and Grin's at exotic for noticing.

OP posts:
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