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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 19:47

I can't say that I like them-it would just be easier to explain. My SIL has kept her exH's name-but they haven't had joint DCs-I think she just likes it as a name-it has a poetic ring.Grin I dare say that the baby won't be remotely interested in genealogy and you are quite safe! However I can't see the harm in pointing out that it is very important to some people.

jellybeans · 16/07/2011 19:52

YANBU I would always want the same name as my kids while they are little anyway. If DH and I divorced I would keep this name. If I remarried would maybe double barrel it. Otherwise kids would have no surname connection and things get confusing.

pinklizzie · 16/07/2011 20:21

Exotic Fruits - you are loopy loop - the OP is giving her child HER NAME. Why do you not get it?

pinklizzie · 16/07/2011 20:38

Gosh that read awful- sorry exotic fruits.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 21:11

I don't get it because is her exH name. I wouldn't have given DS2, DS1's father's name -and DS1's grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc would have been rather surprised to have an extra! DS2s grandparents would also have been a bit upset. I don't think either would have minded if they had had my name (the one on my birth certificate).
Anyway OP hasn't the slightest regard for family history and, with luck, her DC won't-or not until about 40ish when it is all 'water under the bridge'.

honeyandsalt · 16/07/2011 21:53

? @exoticfruits - why the sniffiness and "family history" obsession? It's not like the kid won't know his/her father's name! You are wilfully misinterpreting the OP, who has, quite rationally, pointed out kiddo can look up their dad's side of the family using his name, it makes no difference whatsoever.

The OP has choosen to retain what has been her name for more than half her life rather than taking her fathers name, and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean she still "belongs" to her XH any more than it means the new baby will "belong" to him. And it's not that she's "not bothered" it's that she wants the baby to have her name. Her name. Her name, which is not copyrighted by her ex.

DC will be perfectly happy to share a name with her/his mother and siblings.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 21:54

it really has nothing to do with grandparents etc and tbh they dont know that my name isnt my name and wasnt always my name, i have no intention of telling them so, it probably wont really occur to his parents and as i said being as dp mum was adopted etc she may take a different view than you. to some its the family you have round you now that matters and all that matters.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 22:07

It is down to personal choice, but no harm in OP knowing some people feel very strongly about it and her DC might be one of them-or he/she might not. Only time will tell.

MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 22:12

no, its her name. Not quick to catch on, are you?

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 22:25

Brick walls work two ways-she only has the name because she married DH1-absolutely no other reason. Her DC might think it is her name or he/she will wonder why they have a name of someone that is nothing to do with them -other than letting their mother use the name. She will find out eventually.
There are 2 ways of looking at it. If your DC doesn't see beyond the fact that mother thinks of the name as her own she is fine. Lots of DCs fail to see things the same way as their mothers. Probably 75/50 chance in mother's favour.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 22:26

Sorry probably 75/25 chance in mother's favour.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/07/2011 22:34

The ex H doesn't 'let her use the name'. It's her right to use any name she wants to. For as long as men are happy for their wives change name upon marriage, they haven't got a leg to stand on if the marriage goes wrong and the wife decides to retain said name for the rest of her life.

No one owns their last name and has the right to deny someone else from using it too.

The OP cannot predict what her children will think/do later in life. All she can do is make what she thinks is the best choice, given the knowledge she has available here and now. She's happy, her DP is happy, what her ex thinks is of no importance.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 22:43

I really can't think why we are arguing-I can quite see your point. Most likely her DC will be perfectly happy BUT I think that you should take on board the fact that ,although you disagree totally, I feel differently. I would be upset if my mother did it to me and I can't be the only person in the country. I can't change my gut feelings -even if they turned out to be irrational- and her DC might feel the same. She is going to go ahead, but I can't see the harm in pointing out that not everyone thinks the same -even if they continually get shouted at and called a brick wall! She asked the question so I can't be the only person to query it or why did she think it even worth posting.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 22:44

I read it again-she asked because people were shocked. She is going to get people on here who are shocked-are we all supposed to pretend we are not? How would that help?

honeyandsalt · 16/07/2011 22:49

Lots of DCs fail to see things the same way internet randoms did before they were even born too cough

MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 23:11

and you only have your name since it was your dads. It doesn't matter why someone has the name they have, what matters is you (unbelievably rudely, IMO) are repeatedly telling a woman that her name is not her name. She has told you she considers it to be hers no matter what way she got it, and you have over and over again told her that it is not hers, it is her ex-husbands.

that is why I am arguing with you, because I think you are intolerably rude on this matter, blinkered, and anti-feminist. And if you can summon up actual shock for something so banal, I do wonder how you manage to get through your day without a heart attack.

pestroid · 16/07/2011 23:28

My Aunt and her first husband (Mr Albert One) divorced. They had three children. When My Aunt married her second husband (Mr Barry Two), he took her name, ie he became 'Mr Barry One' - NOW that was weird.
I think that it shouldn't matter whose surname your new baby has. But, be prepared you will get a lot of comments and questions about it.

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 08:28

many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

I quote from OP. She asked the MN jury what they thought-now I am being called intolerably rude, blinkered and anti feminist!!! Hmm Did I miss something-did she say 'MN jury please tell me I am right and don't bother posting if you don't? She asked AIBU -some people don't understand the thread-why get huffy if you ask the question and people come out with YABU.

I find you extremely rude MsPlaced -I have explained over and over again-that it would upset me if my mother did it to me. I have said that I thinkit is about 75/25 in favour of OP's DC agreeing with her, but she should realise that he/she might not think so. It wouldn't be banal to me,when it is my heritage and who I am. Why on earth should I get a heart attack about someone else's DCs name? Hmm

A feminist wouldn't take her DHs name in the first place. I get into trouble on feminist threads for being Mrs and husband's name and now I am anti feminist because I think she should not have her DHs name-that must be some achievement. I think that had she posted on feminist/women's rights and not AIBU she would have had a much harder time.

Your name may well be your father's name but he is blood relative to the DC.

I think it incredibly rude for someone who asked AIBU to then have someone else telling anyone who posts that there is only one view. You are quite entitled to your view MsPlaced-I can also see your point. I am equally entitled to mine and even if you can't see the point-OP is coming up against it in RL so other people must see it.

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 08:52

I have just noticed that she hasn't discussed it with the father of the baby before asking MN-I wonder which way he will see it?

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 08:53

I am not making a statement in the last bit-just an open question.

drcrab · 17/07/2011 08:55

Well fwiw.. My BIL's exW gave birth recently to her 4th DS and gave him our surname (BIL) even though he clearly didn't father this child. All other DSs have our surname even though only 1 is my blood nephew. That's because BIL adopted first one, had biological 2nd one, she claimed 3rd was his too, and now the 4th. BIL's new wife was upset but I thought it was reasonable since she's been known as our surname since she was 20 or so and all her children have this surname. I don't know how her partner feels.

I have other friends who have 3 sons and have double barreled their surnames. Except that for various reasons no 1 and 3 sons have the same d-b name and no2 has it in reverse. So no 1 and 3 are S-T and no 2 is T-S.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2011 09:12

Why is it not feminist to take your husbands last name? I know that I am not his property, any more than I was my fathers before marriage. No one compelled me to do it. I changed name because his is nicer than my old one - a straight forward, superficial reason. We had a baby before we were married and he had my maiden name. If my DH had had a name that I didn't like,I would have kept my original name and given that name to my DC. I wouldn't have saddled them with an ugly sounding last name. Am definitely a feminist, no matter what my name is.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2011 09:15

The only way to avoid these issues is if no one changes their names upon marriage and all children get the mother's last name.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 09:35

sigh exotic you have noticed wrong or not read the thread or even the comments i have directed at you. i had not spoken to him when i started this thread days ago but quite soon after i started it i phoned him we talked, he then phoned me back saying he thought it was the right thing to do.
it wasnt a particularly long drawn out thing, if i am honest he/we are far more worried about practical things like were we are going to live how his children are going to take the news etc than the last name of our child which for me at least bodes really well.
having told him about this he is amazed that other people have gotten so passionate about a subject that has nothing to do with them and i tried to explain the joys and wonder of mumsnet Grin
he did have a good chuckle over the heritage line though have to admit.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 09:48

That is my argument exactlyon feminist threads karma-it doesn't get me very far!
Glad he is happy spooks.If your DC is happy that is all that matters.I can't see why it isn't helpful to point out that all DCs wouldn't be and there are alternative views.
Probably your DC will fall in you and chuckle over heritage-generally people are not interested in it until later in life(if then)