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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:
houseofheave · 17/07/2011 16:13

I don't get why everyone is so set on having to give a child its father's surname.

My DH changed his name by deed-poll when he was in his teens as he didn't like his real surname. In that case, would giving a child the name he chose for himself be right? How is that different to a mother changing her name and giving her chosen name to her child?

I don't care whether people keep their family name, or change it when they get married or change it by deed poll, but I really don't get why a child, by default, should have its fathers surname and not the mothers - no matter how she came to it.

MsPlaced · 17/07/2011 16:17

karma, you missed my point, as did exotic. Choosing your own name is the feminist choice, doesn't matter if its your mothers, your fathers, your husbands, or one you plucked out of the air five minutes ago. The only relevant information is that the OP considers it HER name. To repeatedly tell her she is wrong (about her own name, the sheer fucking nerve of someone to tell you that!), isn't entitled to it, whatever, is both anti-feminist and rude.

As for the moronic "surely its the childs choice", find me a newborn who can name themselves and I'll listen to you, until then...

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 16:19

I'm all for people having choice-merely pointing out that not everyone will agree-as it is quite obvious they think it odd. Just be prepared to put up with the comments if you go against the norm.

AandK · 17/07/2011 16:19

Its too bloody long to read. OP doesn't agree with any comments that aren't agreeing to her idea. OP asked our opionion but doesn't really want it!!!

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 16:21

My point AandK-askes the MN jury but wants to hand pick the jurors!

Teenytiny · 17/07/2011 16:25

So you are giving your new baby your ex husbands surname when its your now partners baby?? No that dont sound fucked up at all!! :/ lol

AandK · 17/07/2011 16:27

oh brace yourself Teenytiny OP won't like that comment at all

exoticfruits · 17/07/2011 16:29

OP also has the disadvantage that it is now too long to read all the way through with the reasoning, DPs take on it etc etc and they just go to the end and give an opinion.

Teenytiny · 17/07/2011 16:30

Well its true....lol

houseofheave · 17/07/2011 16:31

Gosh, you're right.

How can she not listen to well argued gems like that from Teenytiny. Hell, its even got me reconsidering my stance that it should be up to the mother to choose what surname she gives her child.

MsPlaced · 17/07/2011 16:32

its no problem, just like in real life, ignore the fools people with their daft opinions that have no bearing on your life. Job done.

Teenytiny · 17/07/2011 16:37

Well i must be a fool to not want to name my child after another man lmao dear oh dear

Teenytiny · 17/07/2011 16:38

I didnt tell her not to do it. she asked peoples opinion and thats mine!!!

fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2011 16:39

MsPlaced, I did say way up thread that I think the OP has every right to consider the name she took upon her first marriage as hers and was right to give that name to her baby. Exotic and I differ on the last point. She referred to the feminist board which apparently states that a true feminist wouldn't change her name upon marriage in the first place. She and I both agree with you that choosing your name is a feminist choice.

The only disagreement (I think) is whether the child will mind long term about having a name that its mother originally acquired through her first marriage.

MsPlaced · 17/07/2011 16:39

nobody asked what you would do, nobody cares. Do try to keep up, theres a dear.

MsPlaced · 17/07/2011 16:41

no she doesn't, Karma, exotic has repeatedly said that OP's name is not her name, its her ex-h's, so clearly she doesn't think a woman can choose her own name at all, feminist or otherwise.

Teenytiny · 17/07/2011 16:41

LMAO what a fud

Fifis25StottieCakes · 17/07/2011 16:44

It up to you but it depends how your DP feels about it. Its a good idea so the kids have the same name. My friend had a similar problem but she wasnt married. She asked her Exp if she could give her new baby his name so the kids would be the same. He said no.

Im not married to the kids dad but they all have his name. I dont think if i had a baby with someone else he would allow me to use his name.

I suppose its different when your married as that is now your name.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 16:47

like i said before i wanted to know if i was being ur days ago when i posted this thread, gage some wider reactions before going to my dp to discuss it. having done that i am now very galvanised in my opinion.
i have no problem what so ever with people disagreeing with me but i have a right to defend my opinion just as you do yours. if people feel they can come on here and call me selfish and fucked up and not even do me or other posters the courtesy of reading the whole thread before posting.
i absolutely love the aibu part of mn and love the forth right nature of the people on it providing it is intelligent and reasoned or at least funny Grin

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2011 16:49

Fifi, you wouldn't need his permission. He doesn't own the right to use of his name. As a free individual, you could do what you wanted.

Teenytiny · 17/07/2011 16:52

I didnt say YOU were fucked up i said that wasnt fucked up at all!!! (sarcastic) meaning your actions is (imo) do what u want but you did ask opinions!!

what does your ex husband say??

Fifis25StottieCakes · 17/07/2011 16:53

But if your not married the father has to be there to register the birth karma

Original poster
spookshowangel · 17/07/2011 16:54

lol why would i ask my ex husband anything teeny.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 17/07/2011 16:54

I just asked my Dh how he would feel about all this, and his take is that if you get involved with a woman who already has children, you know what you are taking on and it makes perfect sense that she would want all her children to have the same last name. I also asked him if he would object to an ex wife calling her new baby 'his' last name and he said he would have no right to legitimately.

So, some people will agree with the OP and others not. All you can do in life is what you think is right at the time.

Teenytiny · 17/07/2011 16:57

Well cos its your ex name and its not his child!! i take it you havnt asked him by your response!