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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7yo often home alone in the morning, WWYD? If anything?

588 replies

Hufflepuzzpig · 14/07/2011 14:20

I genuinely don't know. Neighbour's DS (nearly 8 but acts very young for his age) always goes in the car with his mum in the evening to pick up his dad from work, and he's not allowed to stay home/on the shared front lawn on his own while his mum goes.

In the mornings though, DH has noticed the DS is never with them, so the mum comes back and then takes him to school. I guess he must still be asleep or just doesn't get dressed on time or doesn't want to go.

Is that ok at that age? I wouldn't leave a 7yo home alone, but I expect many do and I don't think it's as terrible as DH does. He is generally more paranoid/helicoptery than me though. I know it's a really subjective issue, and the age at which parents let DCs be home alone varies massively.

I'd be happy for him to just come over for that time (about 30mins) in the mornings, even if he's in his PJs, should I suggest it? We don't know the parents that well, they are lovely but very shy and his mum in particular struggles with English. I could suggest it to the DS though, he likes it here.

I guess what I'm basically asking is - is nearly-8 old enough for this to be absolutely none of my business and I (and DH!) should chill because it's fine? Or is it a bit young to be home alone even for a short time?

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 18/07/2011 21:12

I'm fairly well known as a 'strident feminist' around these parts so I thought it would have been obvious it was a stupid joke. But yes, in bad taste

frantic51 · 18/07/2011 21:27

First, I don't feel attacked and it matters not one jot to me if that is anyone's aim. I thrive on this kind of stuff!

Yes, my kids would be happy to check in, as I would do with them if I decided to "bugger off" to a strange city/country. I wouldn't have to "allow" anything or not allow it, any more than they would "allow" me to do something.

It's not about being resourceful or independent or not being so, it's about thoughtfulness, caring for those who care for you, loving people enough to care that they are safe, loving people enough to care that they should not suffer needless anxiety. My children understand all that because they are mature, thoughtful young adults, secure in their independence and resourcefulness with no need to "prove" anything to themselves or anyone else.

Fifi are you the one who spent her teens "babysitting" whilst getting drunk and partying? Sorry, but it seems to me that your young parents, and you, might have benefitted from a little help and guidance. I think the fact that you and your little charges are all ok is more down to good luck than anything else. Smile If I've got the wrong person here, I apologise.

frantic51 · 18/07/2011 21:30

Christine, sorry, never seen you before. As far as I'm concerned you're a "Nobdie" as, I am certain, I am to you! Grin

ifancyashandy · 18/07/2011 21:35

Like I said, I enjoyed checking in because I too was a mature, thoughtful person Hmm

NotaDisneyMum · 18/07/2011 21:53

Just adding another dimension to the discussion - I was thinking only the other day that at the age of 17/18, I was travelling the country, alone, by public transport, to visit Universities while at 6th Form.

What I was trying to work out was how I get DD10 from where she is now in terms of independence & confidence, to the same place as I was at 17.

The mere idea is more than a little scary!

DD will have fewer opportunities than I did as a teenager - I was doing voluntary work at the local RSPCA from the age of 11, working on Saturdays in a pet store at the age of 13, and by the time I was 14/15, I was being left in sole charge of the shop while the owner popped out to shop/make deliveries etc.

Now-a-days, charity volunteers have to be 16, and shop work in non-existent for school-aged children......so how can DD gain the same experience as I did at the same age?

frantic51 · 18/07/2011 21:59

As I said, it's not about giving permission or "making" someone check in or keep to an itinerary or whatnot, it's about being sensible, it's about realising that, if you don't check in, sticking to an itinerary gives your loved ones a starting point for locating you to see if you need help, and a startling 30% of young "gap year" type travellers do end up needing outside help during their travels, which is why "GapAid" was set up.

My children know that I do not try to control them and if it seems that way, it is because I am anxious for their safety. If I am anxious for their safety they accept it is usually with good reason, that, being older and more experienced, I have probably thought of some potential pitfalls that they haven't!

My son has just been on a visit to his gf down south. I drove him to the train, (he and his sister share a car and she needed it for work while he was away) When he got to his gf's house he rang me to let me know he was ok (legacy of travelling to and from school when younger) I laughed and asked if he really thought he needed to phone and let me know that he had managed to get off the through train I drove him to and walk the 1/2 mile or so to her house now he's 18? He replied that it was no skin off his nose to phone and anyone who resented calling in under such circumstances obviously, in his opinion, was not secure in their own position as a responsible adult and was still a posturing adolescent.

frantic51 · 18/07/2011 22:04

I wouldn't worry NotaDisneyMum mine managed it over the last couple of years, only did a couple of visits with DS and they were purely to keep costs down, inasmuchas not going by car would have entailed an overnight stay because of train timings. And everyone on here knows just how I wrap them in cottonwool so if mine can do it, everyone's can! Grin

seeker · 18/07/2011 22:13

frantic - you haven;t commented on dangerous sports for children - interested in your views.

frantic51 · 18/07/2011 22:19

Most "dangerous" sports are fairly strictly regulated. If followed in a responsible way I don't see why anyone shouldn't do what they want, would be my general reply. You have anything particular in mind, seeker?

exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 22:26

Yes I probably would be ok with two 18 year olds going together if they wanted to, provided they weren't going anywhere too volatile and undertook to stick to a pre-arranged itinerary and "checked in" with contacts at home on a regular basis. (Needn't be me, could be a friend or other relative or whatever).

You do realise that at 18yrs, if they have the money, it doesn't matter if you are OK or not? They are adults. I agree that hopefully you have a good relationship so they will listen but they do need to have been given responsibility to get to that point.
I think it is sad that someone enterprising enough to go alone is called a loner. Hmm I find it is the most confident, sociable and friendly who are brave enough to go it alone. I have never heard them classed aslosers before.

You will have to read the whole thrad tubbyduffs to see why some of us actually think it beneficial- and why most of Europe does too- and somehow UK has lost it's way, because it used to foster responsibility, trust and independence.

exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 22:29

I do find it strange that a 16yr old can be married, have a DC of their own, join the army and yet they can't babysit for a neighbour with small DCs -or only if the parent doesn't think their DC is precious!

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/07/2011 22:32

Yep, thats me frantic. Unfortunately your theory doesnt wash as all my friends had old mam and dads.

Nowt wrong with my little charges thanks Frantic.

Me and my friends must have been the only teenagers who got drunk then [shocked]

I would say i went off the rails as my parents were very strict so i rebelled so that doesnt wash either

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/07/2011 22:33
Shock
exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 22:42

I babysat all through my teen years. We had parties, got drunk and didnt do much babysitting

You do have to interview your babysitter, see them interact with your DCs and only have the responsible and conscientious. Drink, and even having friends around was completely out. I had about five 6th form girls in all-all lovely, did a good job and were completely reliable. Generally they watched TV and got on with their homework.

seeker · 18/07/2011 22:48

"You go out in your car, kid asleep in bed, you crash your car and die, kid still in bed at home... are you with me? "
A
You wake child up, put it in the car, go out in the car, crasdh your car and you both die....are you with me?

Frantic - I just don;t see how being alone at home for 2o minutes every morning is somehow MORE dangerous than all the other things he does. He is much safer at home in bed than hanging by his ankles from an apple tree or riding his bike round the village. Or even going in a car. Childre die every day in car accidents, Never heard of one dying while left at home alone for 20 minutes in the morning!

RitaMorgan · 18/07/2011 22:53

Amazing that some people would actually prefer their child dead in a car crash than home in bed alone for 30 minutes Shock

frantic51 · 18/07/2011 22:55

seeker As I have pointed out, ad nauseum, RoSPA published figures disagree with your assertions that "He is much safer at home in bed than hanging by his ankles from an apple tree or riding his bike round the village. Or even going in a car. Childre die every day in car accidents" but don't let that bother you, you haven't so far! Wink

exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 22:57

If you read these threads regularly Rita it always boils down to the DC will be frantic at home and needs to be in the car crash! Personally I don't mind if mine is having hysterics-it has to be better than being in the car crash!!

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/07/2011 22:58

I babysat all through my teen years. We had parties, got drunk and didnt do much babysitting

and thats why i wont be leaving my kids with teenage babysitters

frantic51 · 18/07/2011 22:58

Fifi my children have not rebelled, despite the fact that they are 16, 18 and 20! That must mean I haven't been strict then? Grin

TubbyDuffs · 18/07/2011 22:58

Seeker what I am saying is that you have a child at home in bed and you are dead/hurt in a car crash... who the feck knows that your kid is at home on their own?

I have a nearly 7 year old and I would never leave him on his own.

I am stunned that people think this is ok.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 18/07/2011 23:01

Frantic my parents were strict strict. I used to run away for days on end as they wouldnt let me do anything. I never took a boyfriend home till i was 24 and he is the kids dad

RitaMorgan · 18/07/2011 23:02

I would much rather my child was home alone than hurt/dead in a car crash though Tubby - in the unlikely event of that happening, a 7 year old is capable of calling grandma/the neighbours/whoever the emergency contact is and saying "mummy's been out for ages".

littleducks · 18/07/2011 23:04

I'm not convinced by the RoSPA argument tbh, i take my kids to the hosp for head injuries with concussion, when I banged my head and was concussed I didnt go to hospital so the incident wanst recorded. I think there are lots of accidnets related to drink that wouldnt be recorded either.

seeker · 18/07/2011 23:11

[sigh]

Tubby - if I took my ds with me and had a crash he would be dead too. If he isn't with me and I crash, so don't come back when he expects me, he goes to the neighbours. Which is better, dead in a car with his mum or scared and worried with the neighbours but alive?